The Life I Now Live (The Unspoken Series)

by Marilyn Grey

  Couldn’t sleep though, so I tossed and turned until 5a.m. as I wondered why I spent money to come to a frost-bitten city during Christmas. Should’ve went to my parents house for turkey and mashed potatoes and dealt with reality.

  Once the sun lit the edges of my curtains, I took a shower and got dressed, then found my way to a nice little coffee house by my hotel. Small, but seemed kinda upscale. I paid for a coffee which they made fresh right in front of me, from grinding the beans to a small French press large enough for one cup. Some serious coffee makers, if you ask me.

  I sat by the window and scanned the room. One other man about my age sat at the bar reading a newspaper. That’s it. Understandable for such an early hour.

  I watched people pass. Not many of them did. Still hadn’t turned on my phone. And had no plans to. Figured I’d stay a week. Keep my phone off. Process my life. You know, try to relax and then go back to reality when I couldn’t avoid it anymore.

  I sipped my coffee and noticed a woman sitting by the window across the shop. She looked away when I caught her watching me. I pretended not to notice and pulled a book from my backpack. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. I scanned the words with my eyes, but my mind kept thinking about Heidi. What was she doing? Was she happy? Who was the guy in her bedroom?

  I caught the woman looking at me again. Chestnut hair way passed her shoulders, eyes hiding under long bangs, she would’ve been worth talking to if I were interested in women.

  But I wasn’t.

  I was interested in singleness for life. It’s easier for a woman to get her heart broken in this culture. She gives so much and most men are selfish. But come on now. As a man I had more than my fair share of getting hurt and I wanted nothing to do with the culprit.

  Women.

  She smiled at me with a pen between her teeth. I’m not dumb. I know flirtatiousness when I see it. So I buried my face behind Dorian Gray and ignored her.

  “Excuse me,” a gentle voice whispered. “Is this seat taken?”

  I peered over the book and shook my head. She sat down. Smiling. I pretended to read.

  “I live here,” she said. “But you look like you’re from somewhere else.”

  “Philadelphia,” I said, not looking up.

  “Is it much different there?”

  “Not sure. Only been here since last night.”

  “Oh really? What brings you here for Christmas?”

  I put the book on the table and looked into her eyes. “I need a break because women suck the life out of me.”

  She laughed and put a red beret on her head. “Let’s go.”

  I picked the book back up.

  “You’re not fooling anyone when you pretend to read that book, you know.”

  I ignored her and read aloud.

  “How old are you?” she said.

  “Older than you.”

  “Today is my birthday. I’m twenty-eight. You look about thirty?”

  She crossed her arms and smiled at me as I read. The red beret made her hazel eyes look brown. I couldn’t help but notice, although I tried my hardest not to.

  “I’m not flirting,” she said. “You just look like you could use a friend.”

  I kept reading. Didn’t look up.

  “Not all women suck the life out of men. Some of us like to bring life to them. You look like you could use a little resuscitating.”

  “Not from your mouth,” I said.

  She laughed. “My name is Nora. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Why are you spending your birthday talking to a strange man?”

  “I need an adventure. This year I promised myself I’d do things I don’t normally do. Step one, talk to a complete stranger.”

  “You seem pretty good at it for a first timer.”

  A man walked in the door and saw us. “Nora,” he said. “Great job with Les Mis. You were incredible as always.”

  She thanked him and turned back to me. “Let’s go,” she whispered. “You’re not the only one who needs to escape reality.”

  She stuffed my book into my backpack, took my hand, and pulled me into the blustery morning. Tiny flakes of snow gathered on her red hat as she forced me to run a few city blocks with her.

  Out of breath, we stopped at an outdoor ice skating place. Only a few kids messing around. Other than that, just us.

  “Ready?” she said.

  “For?”

  “We’re gonna race across the ice. Whoever makes it to the other side first gets to ask the other person a question and they have to answer honestly.”

  “Nah.”

  “Come on.” She hit my chest. “You’re doing it.”

  Couldn’t tell you why I decided to give in. Maybe I needed some adventure too. Maybe I liked her. Maybe, I don’t know. I didn’t want to think about it, or anything. So I raced her across the ice, slipping and laughing the entire way. We both fell several times before landing safely on the other side. At the exact same time.

  “I guess we both get a question.” She pulled a blanket from her bag and wrapped it around herself.

  “Are we staying outside?”

  “For a little.”

  “But it’s freezing. We’ll turn into ice sculptures.”

  She opened up the blanket. “I’ll share.”

  Tempting. “No, thanks. You keep it.”

  “Okay,” she said. “My question first. Describe your heart in three words and then describe why you chose each one.”

  I thought about it, but the frosty air distracted me. “Can we go back to the coffee shop?”

  “Will you answer there?”

  I nodded. We stood and made our way back to warmth. I couldn’t help but notice her graceful walk. She glazed the city streets with her presence as I walked beside her, hands in my pockets. Her red hat accenting the grey world, a perfect painting in a not-so-perfect world.

  We ordered hot chocolates and sat by the window again. A few other people congratulated her on her performance, then she finally asked me to answer her question.

  I had some time to think, so I answered quickly. “Lonely, broken, and ready.”

  She stopped smiling. “Sounds depressing. Why those three?”

  Well, why not pour my heart out? Not like I’d ever see the girl again.

  “You don’t have to answer,” she said.

  “Lonely because my wife died before she ever learned to love me. Broken because the only other woman I allowed myself to love is sleeping with another man. And ready because I’m more than ready to move on with life and be happy again, without the help of a woman.”

  She thought for a minute. “Well, it was a tie. So what do you want to ask me?”

  “Same thing, I guess.”

  “Broken, artificial, and hopeful.”

  “Okay. Why?”

  “Like you, unrequited love has a way of breaking hearts. Artificial because I’m pretty and people have always focused too much on my looks and not enough on who I am. Which means men want only my body and women hate me. Hopeful because I’m exhausted. I give myself constantly to others either on stage or in life, and well, it can only get better from here, right?”

  “I know a few guys back home who wouldn’t look at you that way. In fact, I also know a guy who proposed to a gorgeous girl. Right after that they had a campfire accident and I doubt she will ever be physically gorgeous again.”

  “Wow.” She picked apart a straw wrapper and played with the pieces on the table. “Did he stay with her?”

  “Barely leaves her side to eat.”

  “So why is the woman you fell in love with sleeping with another man?”

  “I definitely don’t want to talk about that right now.” I wrapped my hands around my cold hot chocolate mug, wishing it were still warm. “Why don’t you tell me all about your depressing love story instead?”

  “I’m an open book. Just a few pages glued together here and there.”

  “So what happened?”

  “Not sure. Gre
yson isn’t ready for marriage. I am. Different ideals and dreams, I guess. He is more into money and having a nice looking girl around his arm. I’m not like that.”

  “Then why do you love him?”

  “We’ve known each other since elementary school. Best friends through fifth grade. We never told each other we had crushes and then he moved away. His parents got divorced and his mom took him to Wisconsin. We lost touch until he came back here for college. I walked into my first class in college and sat next to him. No other seats in the class. We didn’t recognize each other at first, but I saw his name on his paper and the rest is history. We’ve been together on and off for almost a decade. Now we’re off again.”

  “Yeah.”

  She laughed. “Profound response.”

  “I’m all out of deep today.”

  “Anyway, people change. The boy I fell in love with twenty years ago is not the man I want to spend my life with.”

  I liked her. Not in a romantic way. Refused to let my heart go there. But I liked her personality. Couldn’t understand why on earth a guy would choose anything over her, but to each his own.

  “So,” she said. “I better get going. I have an audition to prepare for. Actually trying to make my way to New York.”

  “Broadway?”

  “Hoping.”

  “Thought you didn’t want that kind of life?”

  “Nothing else to do. I won’t let the fame get to my head.” She laughed. “Doubt they will accept me anyway.” She stuck out her hand. I shook. “Nice meeting you. What’s your name?”

  “Patrick.”

  She stood. Something mysterious and intriguing about her smile. “Goodbye then, Patrick.”

  I watched her skip down the street with one hand on her hat. Yes, skip. She crossed the street, stood on her toes, and waved to me. I waved back, laughed. Weird girl, I thought. Very weird.

  Ch. 13 | Heidi

  New Years Eve I opened my eyes in bed. Andy packed most of our essentials and told me to be ready to leave for another country by New Years Eve. So I was.

  Riley slept passed her normal time. I rolled over to wake Andy with a kiss before the baby would steal my attention, but he wasn’t there. He always woke up before me. Since the day I met him. He called me his little night owl and I called him my early birdie. We had so many cutesie names for each other. Enough to sicken the average person.

  I closed my eyes and listened for the shower. Didn’t hear a thing. Patrick. I needed to tell him the truth. He deserved to know. Except Andy didn’t want anyone knowing he was still alive, not even his parents. He believed some crazy gang was out to get him. I loved him, so I kept his secrets. At the very least I needed to tell Patrick that I loved him, but I would be moving away and he needed to move on.

  My stomach turned. I sat up. Nauseous at the idea of never speaking to Patrick again. His smile. The way he fought for me and waited for me. Not once did he try to kiss me, even when I desperately wanted him to. The way he respected me and loved me from a distance, no matter how much he wanted to be with me. Andy was the wall between us, and crazy as it sounded, Patrick stayed on the other side. He became my best friend. The best one I ever had. And as much as I wanted to believe in my marriage, my heart really resided in my best friends hands.

  But I needed to be faithful. Andy was a good guy too. I couldn’t break his heart.

  After checking on Riley, I went downstairs. No sign of Andy. I walked to the front door and saw a note on the table by the couch. Andy’s writing in scratches of blue ink.

  They are after me again. I don’t want you to get hurt. Burn this note and live without me again. It won’t be long. Just until they forget again. Next time I come back be ready to leave with me right away. Keep a bag packed in case. I will come back for you, bug. Don’t forget me. So sorry about this mess.

  The first time he left I balled like a baby. Took me two days to get out of bed and eat again. This time I sighed, annoyed. What did he expect from me? From Riley? We needed stability, and although I didn’t need it to survive, I wanted romance. I wanted true love.

  Andy feared death. I feared living my life without love. Death didn’t scare me, but a life unlived scared me a lot.

  I texted Miranda to see what her New Years plans were. She replied within minutes. A gathering at Matt and Lydia’s. I bet Patrick would be there. Would be weird seeing him again. Especially since not talking to him in a while.

  Will Pat be there? I texted.

  Thought you knew? He’s in Chicago until Monday. Been there since Christmas.

  We haven’t talked. I will be there. See ya then.

  I wanted to call Andy and tell him to come back and deal with life, but he refused to own a cell phone. He said they—not sure who “they” were—would listen to his calls and track his location. Last time he left he never contacted me. Not once. Not until his bearded face came back home and expected me to pretend like he never left.

  I got Riley out of bed and looked at her leg. Poor thing should’ve been walking, or trying to, but her leg was about an inch shorter than the other one, maybe a little more. She tried to creep around furniture but I wouldn’t let her. I didn’t want her to cause any more problems. Doctor said it was okay, but I couldn’t help worrying.

  “Hey, sweetie,” I said. “Your birthday is coming in a few days.”

  She smiled and babbled. No daddy to celebrate her first birthday with her. He probably didn’t even know her birthday.

  But Patrick did.

  Ch. 14 | Patrick

  New Years Eve in a big city and no plans. I liked it that way. After a long shower I settled under the blankets of the stiff hotel bed and opened my book again. Four pages into chapter fifteen and blue ink caught my attention. Nora Madison. 610-555-8834. Call if you’re bored.

  I hadn’t turned on my phone since I left. Didn’t want to see a thousand emails and texts pop up. So I ignored the blue ink and kept reading until the curiosity sparked my fingers and I dug my phone out of my backpack.

  I ignored the text and email notifications and dialed her number. Her voicemail picked up and I left a message. Five minutes later the phone rang.

  “Hey, Patrick,” she said. “You looking for something to do later tonight?”

  “I guess. I’m actually heading back tomorrow. Earlier than I thought so I can get back to work. Do you have New Years plans?”

  “Now I do. Meet me at the ice skating park in thirty minutes.”

  I hung up the phone and wondered if it’s really possible for a man to be “just friends” with an extremely attractive woman. The answer is no. At least for me. So what the hell was I thinking?

  Not thinking. That’s what I was doing. And that’s what I did as I walked through cold air to the ice skating park, which was a hundred times busier. I sat on a bench and watched love skate by. Five hundred times. Couples holding hands, gazing into each others eyes, making me sick to my stomach.

  “Boo.” A figure popped out from under the bench.

  I yelled and jumped out of my seat. Nora laughed, half of her body still under the bench.

  I held my chest. “That’s not even right.”

  She stopped laughing. “Couldn’t help myself. You looked deep in thought.”

  “No, just analyzing the couples skating by.”

  She stood in front of me. Hands at her sides. Hair curled down to her elbows. Cream scarf wrapped around her neck and tucked into her red coat. No hat this time.

  “You have a thing for red?” I said, trying not to look into her eyes.

  “Favorite color to wear.”

  “What’s your favorite color not-to-wear?”

  She grabbed my coat and pressed her peppermint lips against mine. My heart, breaking in half, pulled away, but my lips stayed on hers. I kissed her back. Without my heart. And I hated every second of it.

  She sat on the bench. “That was a test.”

  “Huh?” I said.

  “I failed.” She pointed to me. “But you pa
ssed.”

  “I’m not good with riddles.” I sat beside her.

  “I wanted to see if I kissed this super attractive guy with one of the sweetest personalities I’ve ever known, if I’d think of Greyson.” She smiled. “Good news. I didn’t think of him at all. I think I’m finally over him.” She pointed to me again. “But your heart is still with someone else. I could tell.”

  “My heart is in the trash can.”

  She laughed. I couldn’t help but laugh too.

  “I’m serious,” I said.

  “How melodramatic of you to be so serious.”

  I tilted my head back and looked at the stars. She did the same.

  “I’ve been reading Oscar Wilde lately. He says, ‘We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.’ I guess I can see what he’s saying.”

  “And Shakespeare says, ‘It’s not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.’”

  “I wonder what that means.”

  “I think it means we have a say in the story of our lives.”

  I nodded. Imagined Heidi. Imagined going back home and talking to her again. Telling her what I heard. I loved that girl so much that part of me wanted to ignore it and love her anyway, but I couldn’t. Not after everything with Emily. I wanted a normal relationship. I wanted someone who didn’t sleep around.

  “You’re thinking about her, aren’t you?” Nora pulled her knees to her chest and faced me.

  I nodded. “I’m always thinking about her.”

  “Why are you sitting here then?”

  “Because she is probably sitting with another man.”

  “Go.” She stood. “I mean it. Go right now. “

  I laughed. “You remind me of my friend Ella.”

  “She sounds nice.”

  I laughed again. “She is.”

  She tugged my coat. “Go get your backpack and leave. Where do you live again?”