Two-Hundred Steps Home Volume Two

by Amanda Martin

  Tapping at the iPad Claire wrote some purple prose about the views from Brantwood and included a couple of inspirational Ruskin quotes. The voices in the hallway grew louder and then diminished, as the new arrivals dispersed to their various dorm rooms. It sounded like a bus-load had arrived and Claire hoped only the quiet ones were heading for her dorm. It had been empty when she arrived and she’d had a sneaky hope that it might remain that way.

  I knew that was too much to ask.

  Claire bent her head over her phone, searching through her photos to find one suitable for the blog. She heard someone enter the lounge but forced herself not to look up.

  The newcomer walked across the room and stood near the sofa without speaking. Still Claire refused to look up. She knew she was being rude, breaking some kind of hostelling rule by not welcoming the new arrival. She heard the stranger clear their throat, then laugh.

  “Hey Claire. Saw the rust bucket outside in the car park. Not in Liverpool then?”

  Heart thudding, Claire at last looked up and felt a surge in her chest that wouldn’t have embarrassed her teenage self. Her face spread in an involuntary grin as she gazed at the tanned skin and dirty-blonde hair.

  “Hi Josh.”

  ***

  TWENTY-ONE

  “Hey Joshy, they’ve got a room with three beds. You wanna share with Chloe and me?” The voice broke off as it came closer. “Oh, didn’t mean to interrupt. You okay? I’m Beth.”

  Claire sat mute as the bouncing ball of curly blonde hair burst into the room and galloped over to where Josh stood gazing down at her, a wry smile still on his face. He turned as Beth approached spilling words like a gill after heavy rainfall. His smile widened and Claire felt a tug behind her ribs at the warmth it contained.

  It’s only been 48 hours since I left him at Keswick, how pally can they be? A quick mental tally revealed the startling information that she’d only known Josh for just over a week. I guess time is different when you’re with someone 24-7 and experiencing new things. A bit like hostages or people stranded on a broken bus. Not that Claire had any idea what either experience might be like, but she had read about such things.

  Silence spread through the lounge and Claire realised Beth was waiting for her to return the greeting.

  “Oh. I’m Claire. Hello, nice to meet you. Are you travelling together?” She tried to keep the jealous note of enquiry out of her voice but something in Josh’s smirk suggested she wasn’t entirely successful.

  Beth laughed. “Nah we met on the bus. It takes a long time from Keswick, we had time to chat then and on the walk up. You two old mates?”

  It was Claire’s turn to laugh although it sounded brittle in her ears. “Not really, I met Josh a week or so ago, at Kielder.”

  “You two Sheila’s don’t mind me.” Josh held up his hands, palms forward, and took a step back, as if giving the girls space to discuss him at length.

  Beth giggled and Claire rolled her eyes. “Just being polite Josh, that’s all. What made you guys head over to Coniston? There doesn’t seem to be much going on.” She flushed at the note of hostility in her words and glanced down at the iPad on the pretence of turning it off, letting her heavy hair swing across her face.

  “We’re booked on a kayak trip tomorrow.” Beth perched on the arm of the sofa and pushed her unruly curls behind her ears. They immediately sprang back, giving her the look of a cheerful daisy. “Chloe and I fancied getting out on the water and the weather’s meant to be grand.”

  Oh great. I’m going to have the chirpy threesome on my kayak trip unless maybe they booked somewhere else.

  “Are you kayaking on Coniston?” Claire tried to sound interested rather than nosy.

  “Sure, there’s a place nearby somewhere.” Beth glanced out the window as if expecting to see the kayak centre nestled in the hostel grounds.

  “It’s not far away. I can give you a lift if you like, assuming we’re booked on the same trip.” The words were out before she could stop them. Damn.

  “You’re going kayaking Claire?” Josh looked up from picking his nails and raised an eyebrow. “That boss of yours been turning the screw again?”

  Warmth flooded through Claire at Josh’s words. Having someone, even a philandering Aussie, know about her predicament made her feel connected to the world.

  “No, nothing new from Carl. But, you know, I have to find something for the blog. I even did a Treetop Trek yesterday.”

  Something akin to respect appeared on Josh’s face. “You? Little Miss ‘I didn’t know I was terrified of heights’? Good on yer, Claire. And now you have a hankering for some paddle action?”

  Claire wasn’t about to admit she fancied winter kayaking about as much as being nibbled to death by mice.

  “Oh yes, just call me the kayak queen.”

  “Sweet.”

  ***

  TWENTY-TWO

  “Come on Claire, keep up.”

  Claire glared at the V-shape of people in front of her as Beth, Chloe and Josh powered across the lake. Training hadn’t been so bad and Claire had been thrilled with how quickly she had mastered the art of propelling the craft strapped to her hips. Her bubble of happiness quickly deflated when they reached the open water and her so-called companions left her rocking gently in their wake.

  Refusing to capsize through trying to catch up, Claire concentrated on getting her technique right and on ignoring the blisters forming across the pads of her palms.

  “That’s it Claire, great, you’re getting the hang of it. For a first-timer you’re doing brilliantly.”

  Claire turned to smile at the instructor and her paddle stuck in some weed. It wrenched sideways, nearly tipping her out of her kayak.

  Eyes forward, Claire. Josh will pee his pants laughing if you take a dip in this freezing pond.

  “This is grand!” Beth’s voice floated back across the water as she and Chloe prodded at each other with their paddles, each trying to put the other in the lake.

  “Your friends seem a right craic, how long have you been travelling together?”

  Claire looked back carefully, trying to locate the source of the new voice without tipping herself over.

  “I’m not travelling with them. As far as I can tell they all met yesterday on the bus over from Keswick. I met Josh last week a bit further north.”

  “Really? They seem like buddies from way back. That’s travelling for you, I guess.” The man deftly paddled forward until he was alongside Claire’s red kayak. He waved a salute and said, “name’s Charlie.”

  “Claire.” She nodded in return and tried not to clash her paddle against his.

  The void of conversation yawned between them, demanding to be filled. She didn’t feel like chatting but it was obvious that the man wanted to talk and, besides, Josh and the girls were too far ahead for anything but a bellowed exchange of words. She groped for something to say.

  “Are you travelling with friends?”

  “Nah I’m going solo. Just a month or three before I head back to Ireland to find a job. It aint easy right now, specially not in Dublin. Thought I’d have a bit o’ fun before I have to get me hands dirty.”

  “What do you do?”

  “I’m a chef. Or leastways that’s what I’m trained fer. What I’ll be doing back in Dublin is anyone’s guess.”

  “Is there not much work in catering?” Claire listened to her words and wanted to Eskimo-roll into the lake. No wonder the others have buggered off. Could you be any more boring?

  If her new friend found her question obvious or dull he was either too polite or too shocked to let on.

  “There’s not much work of any sort. Times is hard. Not a great time to be looking for paid employment.”

  Claire shivered beneath her waterproofs. I hope that doesn’t apply to me. Her head was already full of images of starting a new job since her arrival at the activity centre with Josh and his mini-harem. Claire wasn’t sure how much more adrenalin-seeking, or rubbing shoulders
with strangers, she could willingly do, no matter how much she wanted not to fail.

  “What is it you do?” The man threw out the question between puffs as he paddled to keep up with Claire who had veering off to the left.

  “I work in… marketing.” She hoped he hadn’t notice the tiny hesitation. Lord only knows what it is I do these days?

  As often happened when Claire told someone in a vocational career what she did for a living, the man’s face went blank. His lips opened and shut slightly as he sought something interesting to say in response.

  “That’s nice.”

  Claire chuckled under her breath and held her paddle aloft as a wake from a passing boat rocked the kayak. I guess no one knows what people in marketing actually do, least of all people in marketing. Play with pretty pictures and read papers, I think that’s the general consensus. What about kayaking across a freezing lake in the north of England, or dangling from a tree suspended by a rope and harness? Abseiling down a waterfall? Sharing a room with five other women, some of whom have only a passing relationship with shower gel. Are they things I can puff-off on my CV?

  The sound of splashing shook Claire from her reverie and she looked up just in time to get a face-full of water from Josh’s paddle as he swung round beside her.

  “Thanks. As if I wasn’t cold enough.”

  “Lighten up cranky, what’s eating you? You’ve been chillier than a penguin’s arse since we pitched up yesterday. If you really wanted to ditch me you should have headed to Liverpool like you said.”

  “Would that be better? Am I cramping your style?”

  “Ha, it’d take more than a jealous Sheila to cramp my style.”

  “Jealous? I’m not jealous. If you choose to hook up with every woman under the age of fifty that passes your way that’s no concern of mine.”

  Claire dipped her paddle in the water and pushed her craft forwards, concentrating on her technique so Josh had nothing else to sneer at. The sun shone overhead but didn’t penetrate the waterproof and life-jacket she was bundled in. Claire lowered her head and pictured the mug of hot chocolate waiting for her when they returned to the activity centre.

  Josh paddled alongside her in silence for a few minutes before clucking his tongue and digging his paddle in deep. He was soon several lengths ahead and the sound of his laughter mingled with Chloe and Beth’s as the three of them splashed each other like naughty schoolchildren.

  ***

  TWENTY-THREE

  “Still sulking Claire? Aren’t you a bit old to be acting like a silly schoolgirl?”

  Claire looked up at Josh and tried to make sense of the sounds coming out of his mouth. Sulking, school girl, Sky, Ruth, sister. The words marched through her consciousness without leaving a mark. She felt rather than saw Josh lean over and peer into her face.

  “Have I really upset you? Is it because we soaked you at the lake today? You looked cute: like a little kitten who’d toppled into a bath.”

  Claire looked at the phone cradled in her lap and tried to absorb what Josh was saying.

  He sat next to her on the sofa and his voice washed around her like a warm wave. He talked into her silence but the words barely registered. Something about it being lonely on the road and that maybe running away was the wrong thing to have done.

  Run away. I'd like to do that. I’m sure Ruth would too.

  “You can't run away from cancer,” she said, her voice alien and weak.

  “What?” Josh's response was curt. The harsh tone surprised Claire, momentarily dragging her out of her bewilderment.

  “What?” She echoed him without understanding.

  “You said you can't run away from cancer, what did you mean by that?”

  She turned to face him and fell into the blackness of his eyes. Shaking off feelings she couldn't process, Claire said quietly “My sister has a brain tumour. They're operating in the morning. She needs me to look after her six-year-old daughter for a week or two at Easter while she has chemo. Is there anything else you need to know?”

  Josh moved to the edge of the sofa, his face white. “Did she say whether it was primary or secondary? What part of the brain is it in?” His voice was clipped and business like. “Where is she being treated?”

  “Addenbrookes,” Claire responded, finally hearing a question she could answer. “How do you know to ask all those things?” Claire had sat mute as her sister broke the news, her brain empty and cavernous.

  “Oncology is - was - my specialism.” Josh spoke the words as if they pained him.

  “What's Onc-whatever you said?”

  “Treatment of cancer.”

  “You're a doctor?”

  “I was.”

  Claire looked at Josh. He's not much older than me. What gives? Part of Claire wanted to pursue the thought, but curiosity about Josh’s past was soon swamped by her present worries. She wished she could recall everything Ruth said on the phone so she could ask Josh what it all meant. As hard as she tried to remember her sister’s words only two sentences were chisled into her memory. I need you to take Sky and It’s malignant, they’re going to operate tomorrow.

  Josh and Claire sat together on the sofa, close but not touching. Around them the hostel bustled with chatter. Beth’s laugh echoed from behind them, where a raucous game of Trivial Pursuit was underway. Each lost in their own thoughts, the two almost-strangers sat in silence.

  ***

  TWENTY-FOUR

  “I have to get going.” Claire pushed up from the sofa then stumbled and caught herself on the arm.

  “When did you last eat?” Josh looked up and it seemed like he was staring from the bottom of a well. Claire was glad she didn’t know the memories consuming him. His face was a thin mask over a deep pit of pain.

  “I had the hot chocolate when we finished our kayak. I’m not sure after that.”

  Josh checked his watch. “It’s 6pm. You need to eat lady.”

  Claire frowned. “No, I need to leave. I’m not meant to be here, I’m booked into Grasmere tonight.” She looked around the lounge as if trying to locate her rucksack before remembering it was loaded in the Skoda already.

  “You’re leaving? Must you move every night? It’s not great, you know. You’ll never meet people, get the hostelling vibe, if you check out at 10am every day.”

  “I met you didn’t I? Besides, I’m not here to meet people, I’m here to work. I have to get round 200 hostels and then I’m free. It’s meant to take a whole year but I didn’t sign anything. I just want to go home.” Her voice trailed off and she was conscious of a whiney tone in it last heard coming from Sky’s mouth. She inhaled deeply and forced a smile. “Besides, it looks like I’ll be taking a week or two out to look after my niece.”

  “Surely she can stay in the hostels with you? Kids love that sort of thing and from what I can tell most of the YHA ones are kid-friendly. More’s the pity.”

  Claire got the impression the last words were added because they were expected rather than from heartfelt belief. She shook off the thought and responded to Josh’s words.

  “Look after a child in one of these places? It’d be a nightmare. She’d probably fall out her bunk-bed and end up in A&E. Besides, there are hardly any hostels near my sister’s house.”

  “You have a car don’t you? Sheesh girl it’s all problems and no solutions with you.”

  Claire bristled at his tone, chewed over some choice phrases to respond with, then decided she didn’t have the energy for a fight. She tilted her head slightly and looked him in the eye before turning to head for the door.

  “Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. My head’s all over the place.” Josh hurried to keep up and walked to the door with Claire.

  “So, where to after Grasmere?”

  “Why, are you worried that you’ll bump into me again or do you think you’ll get tired of the gruesome twosome?” Claire glanced over to where Beth and Chloe were playing charades and giggling.

  “They’re just
having fun, Claire, lighten up.” Then he seemed to remember their earlier conversation. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a jerk.” He ran his fingers through his hair, cursing as they caught on a knot. “I, er, look, let me give you my email address. If you have any questions, you know, about your sister, you can drop me a line.” He patted his pockets for a pen.

  Claire pulled out her phone and loaded a new contact. “Fire away.”

  Josh recited his address, his hands buried deep in his pockets. He reminded Claire of a guilty school boy giving his contact details to a copper.

  She finished typing and stood waiting to see if Josh had anything else to say. He merely stood, hands still concealed, shoulders hunched. He looked up at her through his tangle of hair, his expression inscrutable.

  “Well, bye then. Maybe see you again.”

  Josh nodded and gave a half-smile. “You take care, city girl.”

  Claire nodded once and walked away without looking back.

  ***

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Claire caught her lower lip between her teeth and let herself into the dorm room. She had hoped for a private room so she could get her head straight and concentrate on Ruth, but the hostel didn’t have any left. At least it’s a single-sex dorm. Her last conversation with Josh rang through her mind. Men are more trouble than a room full of creative directors.

  Peering round the door Claire thought for one hopeful moment that the room was empty. Then she heard strains of David Grey playing quietly and the happy bubble popped. Pushing the door wider she scanned the room, relieved to see only one bed with obvious signs of occupation. A grey-haired lady sat crossed-legged on a lower bunk writing in a journal of some description. The music was coming from an iPad on the bed next to her.

  At least she isn’t a twenty-something Swedish girl. She doesn’t look like she’ll come stumbling in at 2am reeking of vodka.

  The woman raised her head as Claire closed the door behind her. Her face lit up with a warm smile and Claire felt herself smiling in return. “Hi, I’m Claire.”