Across the Water

by Ingrid Alexandra

  Rob and I were going through a rough patch after several failed attempts at fertility treatments, and because I was refusing to try IVF he’d grown distant and sulky. It’s not an excuse, of course. But with Rob sullen and away for work a lot, running into Adam at the pub one night and having a few drinks felt like a holiday compared to the tense, silent evenings I’d been sharing with my husband.

  Adam’s one of those people who has that ability to make you feel like you’re the most fascinating person he’s ever met. That night, he made me laugh, and his obvious appreciation of my opinion, and – let’s be honest – my appearance, made me feel noticed, wanted, when recently all I’d been feeling was that I was lacking in all the ways a woman can be lacking. I wasn’t maternal enough; I didn’t want a family to take care of; I wasn’t the doting little wife staying at home baking, or whatever the fuck it is housewives do. I had no designs on joining any book clubs or yoga classes or community groups and I found life in this quiet little town, frankly, boring as fuck.

  Adam made me feel like being childless and pursuing my own interests was a valid way of life. That motherhood should be a choice, not an obligation. We swapped opinions on why having children was the stupidest thing you could ever do, how it was like signing the death certificate for your own freedom.

  I confessed that it seemed I was infertile, and that IVF was probably our only way to have children, and he told me that was lucky. Free contraception, he called it, and at the time, after more than a bottle of wine, I found this the funniest thing I’d ever heard.

  We shared another bottle at my place. One thing led to another, and a month later I found out I was pregnant.

  I guess it wasn’t me who was infertile, after all.

  ***

  ‘Come in.’ I open the door and gesture for Adam to enter.

  He shakes his head. ‘No.’ He nods towards the windows facing the creek. ‘Liz might see.’

  ‘It’s late. I’m sure she’s in bed by now.’

  Adam’s lips press thin. ‘I’d rather not, thanks.’

  ‘I’ll close the blinds.’

  ‘Outside. Please.’

  I sigh. I’d really rather stay inside, especially after Liz mentioned she saw a man in my doorway, but I suppose I’ll have Adam for protection. Maybe I’ll see if Erica will let me stay over once Adam’s left. I’ll have to deal with Ruby’s nightly wakings, but at least I’ll feel safer. ‘Fine. Just let me get my coat.’

  Moments later I’m following Adam down the street towards the entrance of the creek. He’s got his hoodie pulled over his head as if he’s trying not to be recognised. There are no lights on in any of the houses, and the few streetlamps on Cockle Street do little but cast eerie shadows along the road, so I don’t know what he’s so worried about.

  ‘Why are we going this way?’ I pull my hood over my head against the chill. I’m a bit wobbly on my feet and, despite the sobering effect of the cold, quite a lot drunker than I’d thought. ‘It’s dangerous. Look how high the water is.’

  Adam stops halfway across the bridge, so abruptly I bump into him. ‘Liz thinks I’m spending the night in town because of the road closure.’ He turns to face me, moonlight painting his skin silver. ‘So I’d prefer it if I wasn’t seen.’

  ‘Ha. The perfect alibi. Well done.’

  Adam doesn’t smile. ‘It would have been the truth if you hadn’t started with your threats. I’m just lucky the road was reopened or you’d have gone and told your little story.’

  ‘It’s not a story, Adam. It’s the truth.’

  ‘It was just the once, Dee. It meant nothing. I love my wife. Are you really prepared to ruin two lives because of something that was an accident?’

  ‘Oh, that’s rich. I’m the one whose life has been ruined because of that accident, Adam. Until now you’ve got off scot-free.’

  ‘You told me you were infertile!’

  ‘I thought I was! But you knew I didn’t know for sure. There were two people involved that night, if I recall correctly. Two people who decided not to use protection.’

  ‘Fine, whatever.’ Adam mutters. He sounds bored. ‘Look, how can you even be sure she’s mine?’

  ‘Rob went and got DNA results. Ruby isn’t his. And there’s only one other person it could be.’

  ‘Are you sure about that?’ he sneers.

  ‘Fuck off,’ I hiss. ‘You’re one to talk. And yes, I’m sure. Are you sure she’s your only illegitimate child?’

  Adam steps forward and grabs my wrist. ‘Stop fucking around, Dee.’

  ‘Stop it, you’re hurting me.’

  He doesn’t loosen his grip. ‘Look, I don’t play games, so why don’t you cut the crap and tell me what you want?’

  ‘Money.’

  Adam doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then he barks with laughter.

  ‘Money? You’re delusional. I don’t have any money.’

  ‘Bullshit. The house is for sale and I know how much a place around here is worth.’

  ‘You can’t blackmail me, Dee. I won’t stand for it.’

  ‘Look, Adam,’ I change tack, trying to appeal to his humanity. ‘I’m in trouble. I wouldn’t ask otherwise, but … my life’s in danger.’

  Adam laughs. ‘You expect me to believe that? Whatever trouble you’ve got yourself into is your mess, not mine. You’re not getting money out of me, Dee. It’s not going to happen.’

  Anger fills my chest. ‘You don’t get a choice. If you don’t help me, I’m going over right now to tell your wife everything!’

  Adam grabs my shoulder, his face an inch from mine.

  ‘Don’t you fucking dare.’

  I try to pull away, but his grip is like iron.

  ‘Let go of me! For fuck’s sake Adam, you’re hurting me …’

  ‘Say you’re not going to breathe a word to Liz.’

  I stare him in the eye. ‘I’m going to scream it from the rooftops if you don’t give me what I’m owed,’ I whisper.

  Adam glares, teeth bared in a snarl. ‘You do that, and I’ll fucking kill you.’ His grip tightens on my arm and I cry out. ‘Stop. PLEASE!’

  For a moment conflict clouds Adam’s expression. But then his eyes change. In the moonlight, they are as hard as glass. ‘Whatever you say.’

  He releases my arm so suddenly I stumble backwards, one foot tripping over the other. There’s a brief weightlessness and then suddenly I’ve hit the water, my shout piercing the night air. The cold is all consuming; it’s like being submerged in ice. I don’t even make it back to the surface before the strength of the tide starts to pull me in the direction of the sea.

  All of a sudden I’m being seized by the shoulders; looking up through the murky water I can make out Adam’s silhouette. Thank God, I think. But something’s wrong. And then I realise he isn’t pulling me up. He’s holding me down. I struggle against his grip, but he’s stronger than I am. He holds me firmly and the more I struggle, the harder he pushes down. I hold my breath as long as I can, but my head starts to ache and dizziness takes hold. After a few minutes I feel faint and I can’t stop the reflex to gasp for breath.

  Images flit through my mind at shutter-speed as the world fades around the edges. The paths I could have chosen, the ones I did choose; it doesn’t matter now. All the threads of my life have led to this.

  An angel’s face fills my mind. Sweet and pure with hair like fire and the brightest smile I’ve ever seen.

  Chapter 41

  Liz

  June, 2017

  Sunday, 6:02pm

  I splash my face with cold water and try to slow my rapid breathing, then switch off the iPad so that when it’s turned back on it will revert to login and Adam won’t see what I’ve looked at. I can hear the creak of the floorboards in the corridor, the squeak of linoleum that means Adam’s in the kitchen, and I assess how long it will take for him to reach the bathroom. I quickly apply some mineral powder to my flushed cheeks and a sweep of lip balm to my lips.

  ‘Lizz
ie?’ Adam’s voice carries through the house. I suppress a sob, wipe my eyes and run a brush through my hair. Nope. I still look properly ill.

  ‘Liz?’ Adam’s head appears around the door and his smiling face immediately crumples with concern. ‘Jesus, are you okay?’

  ‘No,’ I say, not having to feign my misery. ‘I’ve … I’ve been throwing up all afternoon.’

  ‘Oh, darling. Can I get you anything? Some tea … or dry toast or something?’

  I shake my head. ‘No, I’m okay. I think it was the leftovers I ate for lunch.’

  Adam makes a face. ‘Ugh. Poor you. Will you be wanting dinner, or …?’

  The thought of food makes me want to retch. I shake my head vehemently.

  ‘Okay, well, perhaps bed then? I was hoping to have a shower …’

  I nod, eyes flitting nervously to the iPad and back to Adam. I force a smile. ‘Sure, of course. Just let me get out of your way.’

  ‘You’re not in my way, sweetheart,’ Adam’s smile is so warm and sincere I almost burst into tears. How can this be happening? How can everything I thought was real be a lie?

  ‘Let me help you up.’ He reaches out for my hand and, when I grasp it, he pulls me to my feet, kisses me on the cheek and murmurs into my neck. ‘I can’t wait to start our new life together. It’s going to be perfect.’

  ‘Yes,’ I manage, my voice coming out suffocated. ‘Perfect.’

  His eyes travel to the iPad and then flick to mine. He retrieves it from the floor.

  ‘Have you been on the internet today?’ His tone is casual, but I can detect an edge. He places the iPad on the sink.

  ‘No, darling, why?’ I ask, shooting for a breezy tone as I try and fail to still my shaking hands.

  ‘Oh, just wondering if there’s been any more news on Dee.’

  I analyse his words for any trace of guilt but can’t detect anything. He’s good; too good.

  I force a laugh. ‘Didn’t you tell me to try not to think about Dee anymore? I’m being good, remember? No Googling. No dwelling.’

  He comes towards me, clasps my face in his hands and it’s all I can’t do not to shudder. ‘Good girl,’ he kisses my lips. ‘I’m glad you listened to me. For once.’ He winks and I wonder how, until now, I couldn’t have seen through the pretence.

  ‘I couldn’t even if I wanted to, anyway,’ I say, hoping he doesn’t notice the tremor in my voice as I smile up at him and push his hair back from his face. ‘I don’t know your password. Remember?’

  ‘Haven’t I given it to you?’

  I shake my head.

  Adam’s body softens and his features relax.

  ‘We’ll have to remedy that then, won’t we?’ He kisses the tip of my nose. ‘We’re going to be spending the rest of our lives together; I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. It’s the date of when we first met.’ He smiles at me and I could swear his eyes are full of love. But what does that mean? Can someone capable of what he’s done also be capable of love?

  He draws me in to his arms and I pray he doesn’t notice how damp I am all over. ‘Okay, sexy. I’m going to have a shower.’

  Chapter 42

  Liz

  June, 2017

  Sunday, 6:59pm

  I wait outside the bathroom door until I hear the water running and the change in pitch that means Adam’s stepped beneath the stream. Adam’s work bag is propped against the wall at the foot of the loft stairs; I rummage through it until I find his phone, then tiptoe up to the loft.

  My hands are shaking so much I can hardly press the on switch. The phone is password protected – shit! – but then I remember Adam’s code for the iPad and try the date of when we first met. It works.

  I scroll through the messages until I find the one I’m looking for.

  She’s yours.

  This time, the photo loads instantly.

  If I didn’t recognise the cherubic face, I’d recognise the background from my nightly voyeurism. The wallpaper, the book shelves, the wedding photo on the mantlepiece.

  Ruby.

  My blood runs cold. The room tilts.

  ***

  A strange sense of calm settles over me at having my suspicions confirmed. It’s surreal to see it now; if I’d known to look for similarities, I’d have spotted them instantly. The shape of her nose, the curve of her bottom lip. All undeniably Adam. I don’t know long I’ve been standing staring at the screen before I realise I can no longer hear the shower running.

  ‘Lizzie?’ Adam’s voice floats up the stairs.

  Jolted back into motion, I dash over to the window and peer out, trying to judge whether I’d survive the leap. It’s too late to make it back downstairs.

  ‘Lizzie!’

  I look around desperately before stashing the phone under a cushion on the day bed. My heart is pounding by the time Adam appears at the top of the stairs.

  ‘There you are!’ He clocks my position and wags a finger at me. ‘Spying again? I thought we’d cured you of your voyeurism.’

  I don’t trust myself to speak, so I smile and shrug.

  ‘Are you feeling any better? It’s freezing up here,’ Adam shivers. ‘Why don’t we get you somewhere warm?’ He crosses the room and wraps me in his arms. Unconsciously, I stiffen.

  Adam pulls back and gives me a strange look. ‘What’s the matter?’

  I shake my head, willing my words to come out normally.

  ‘Just … stomach cramps.’

  Adam looks sympathetic. ‘Poor darling. Perhaps we should get you to bed.’

  I nod and Adam smiles and offers me his hand. I take it and let him pull me to my feet. The movement jostles the cushions and I hear a tell-tale thunk.

  I freeze and Adam turns and gives me a curious look.

  ‘Let’s go,’ I say clutching my stomach, not daring to look down at the floor.

  Adam looks down, then back up at me. The phone has landed face-up, the picture of Ruby still filling the screen. His face pales and he looks like he might speak but then his lips close and he gives me a funny little smile.

  ‘Not just spying on the neighbours, but on your husband, too?’

  My face flushes white-hot. ‘N-no. Of course not. I was only …’ My brain is malfunctioning and I can’t get any more words out. My gaze flits to the stairs and, his eyes on me, Adam steps to the side, blocking the entry to the stairwell.

  ‘Lizzie. I can explain.’

  I shake my head. I don’t want to hear what he has to say, but at the same time there’s a shred of hope that maybe it can be explained. That maybe it was all some big misunderstanding and he’ll go back to being the husband I thought I knew.

  Adam drags a hand over his mouth. ‘Look. I might not have been completely honest about something, but I need you to know that it was because I was trying to protect you. I see now that I should have been honest from the start, but it’s too late for that now. The truth is I have met Dee a couple of times.’ He looks down at the phone. ‘But this isn’t what you think. She was trying to blackmail me.’

  ‘Why would she do that?’

  Adam stares at me with his warm, brown eyes. ‘The child isn’t mine, Lizzie, I swear. Dee wanted money, so she lied to me to try to get it.’

  I search Adam’s earnest face and for a moment there’s uncertainty, and hope. Could Dee really be trusted, or was she mentally unstable? Could she be making the whole thing up for attention … or money? But then I remember. I remember seeing Adam in Ruby’s features. I remember the messages with that other woman. He’s lied to me before. He’s lying to me now.

  ‘Why would Dee even say that Ruby could be yours, Adam?’

  Adam hesitates. Then he seems to settle on a thought, and he steps towards me. ‘Liz, angel, you know how much I love you. It’s only ever been you. With Dee, it was just the once; it meant nothing. Dad had just been diagnosed, and I was here alone and everything was so fucked up. Dee and I met by accident in the pub one night. We had too much to drink and one thing l
ed to another …’

  I wince and turn away.

  ‘It was a drunken mistake, sweetheart. I promise, it meant nothing. It never ordinarily would have happened. It was a one-off, a monumental fuck up.’

  Liar, I think, shivering with the force of my anger.

  ‘That message is dated the night she disappeared; she’s asking you to meet her. Did you? Did you see her that night?’

  Adam pales. ‘What? No, of course not! I was in Sydney, remember? I promise you, Lizzie.’

  ‘Don’t call me that,’ I shudder. ‘How can I trust you? You’ve been lying to me this whole time!’

  Then it hits me. I clap a hand to my mouth to smother the gasp.

  Plovers. I could hear those horrible, squawking things in the background when I spoke to Adam on the phone the night he was supposedly staying down in Sydney. Tim’s bird book says they’re native to this area and are rarely found elsewhere.

  ‘You were here. That night. You were in town.’

  Adam’s face tightens. ‘No. I was in Sydney. The police checked, remember?’

  ‘I could hear plovers, Adam. In the background, when you called.’

  ‘What? That’s ridiculous. What’s that got to do with—’

  ‘They’re native to the area. This area.’

  Adam looks at me in disbelief. Then he sighs heavily and shakes his head, his eyes full of pity. ‘That’s what you’re basing all of this on? Birds? How can you even be sure they were plovers? They could’ve been any sort of bird. And, I’m sorry to play this card, but you know you haven’t exactly been thinking clearly lately.’

  ‘Don’t tell me I don’t know what I know,’ I say through gritted teeth, furious despite my fear. ‘You’re the one who’s been messing with my head this whole time. Making me think I was imagining things when you’ve been hiding the truth from me.’

  Adam’s eyes widen and, if I didn’t know better, I’d think he was genuinely outraged. ‘How can you say that? I’ve never lied to you. Well, only about one small thing but that’s because I thought you might be in danger. Dee was unhinged, you only had to look at her to—’