Saving Sara (Redemption #1)

by Nicola Marsh

  She smiled. “If I eat all that stuff, I might get a sore tummy.”

  His face crinkled in consternation. “I don’t want to get a sore tummy.”

  “You’ll be fine. Just don’t eat too much.” Wow, she was seriously out of practice at talking one-on-one with kids. She’d tried to lecture Olly on the dangers of too much junk food rather than conveying a gentle warning. A real damper on his excitement.

  “Don’t eat too much what?” Jake sauntered into the classroom, immediately dwarfing it with his presence, and Sara couldn’t help the way her heart fluttered when he looked at her with that irresistible mix of cheek and charm.

  “Sara isn’t coming with us to the fair, Uncle Jake, because she’ll get a sore tummy if we give her too many treats.” Olly rubbed his stomach. “But I’m fine so maybe I can eat her share?”

  Jake laughed. “The secret to having a good day at the fair is to pace yourself, buddy. Not eating too much at once.”

  “I guess.” Olly slid off the desk. “Is it okay if I go play with some of the other kids outside for a while?”

  Jake hesitated and Sara knew why. After last week’s stunt, he didn’t want to let Olly out of his sight.

  “I can see the kids in the playground from here,” Sara said, pointing at the window and trying to allay Jake’s concern about keeping an unobtrusive eye on him.

  “Sure. Have fun,” Jake said, shooting her a grateful glance.

  Not until Olly had run out the door did Sara realize that maybe she shouldn’t have been so quick to foster Olly’s desire for play outside.

  Because it left her alone with Jake inside.

  “You’ve been avoiding me,” he said, stalking toward her. Too big. Too gorgeous. Too everything.

  “Told you I’d be busy with prepping for the fair.” She took a step backward and her butt hit the edge of the desk.

  With Jake invading her personal space, she had nowhere to go. Not a total downer, when she felt the heat radiating off him, when she inhaled his unique masculine scent.

  “What’s going to be your excuse when the fair’s all done tomorrow?”

  “I’ll think of something,” she said, unable to resist poking him in the chest when he mock staggered a little.

  “You can’t keep pushing me away forever.” His smile faded as he snagged her hand. “I want to get to know you better.”

  “Why?” She wished her heart would stop pounding so darn loud so she could hear him better. Then again, did she really want to?

  She didn’t need Jake articulating reasons why they should go on a date. All the convincing arguments in the world wouldn’t get her to change her mind. Getting attached to Jake—and Olly—could only end badly.

  He stared at her for an eternity, his eyes trying to convey a message she had no hope of interpreting. He looked . . . haunted. A feeling she could empathize with.

  “Because for the first time since the accident I feel like letting someone in,” he blurted, before clamping his lips shut and taking a few steps back, his expression tortured.

  “The accident?” Sara had to ask, despite his hunched shoulders and closed-off posture screaming that he’d said something he regretted.

  A memory tugged at the edge of her consciousness. The day they’d been scouting fair locations, he’d looked sad and when she’d questioned him he’d joked about revealing their pasts one day over tequila.

  Looked like she wasn’t the only one whose past hid a wealth of pain.

  “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”

  “I killed eighty-nine people,” he said, his expression bleak. “I was an aircraft mechanic. Tired on the job one day. Had a gut feeling something wasn’t right but ignored it. Went by the book as usual. Did routine final checks. Cleared a plane to fly. And it crashed.”

  His tone sounded so desolate, so bleak, she wanted to hug him. She remembered a commercial liner going down about eight months ago, but had switched off the news like she did most days. She had enough heartache in her life without adding to it.

  “Aviation investigation cleared me but the guilt sits here,” he thumped his chest, “and I live with it every frigging day.”

  Sara wanted to say “It’s not your fault,” wanted to take away his pain. But she’d never been one for trite platitudes, not after the many she’d endured following Lucy’s death, so she settled for wrapping her arms around his waist and squeezing tight.

  She’d done it instinctively, to comfort him, knowing all the hugs in the world wouldn’t eradicate guilt but hoping it would help.

  His arms came around her and they remained that way until Andy barged through the door and cleared his throat.

  “Sorry to interrupt, folks, but most of the kids outside are being picked up by their parents and Olly’s waiting.”

  Sara eased out of Jake’s arms. “Thanks, Andy. We’ll be there in a sec.”

  “Right.” Andy fled, obviously aware of the tension in the room.

  Sara touched Jake’s cheek. “Thanks for opening up to me. We’ll talk later?”

  “Yeah.” Jake scrubbed a hand over his face. “I promise not to be such a killjoy next time.”

  “Hey, don’t do that.” She took a deep breath, knowing she’d have to reveal a small hidden part of her to make him feel better. “I get it. I locked myself away physically and emotionally from everyone for over a year. Then I came here, and you and Olly and Cilla have given me hope.” She blew out a breath. “Hope that I won’t fall apart if I get close to anyone again and they walk away.”

  Understanding lit his eyes. “That’s why you won’t let me and Olly get too close, isn’t it? Because we’ll be leaving at some point?”

  There was so much more to it, but for now, she nodded. “Self-preservation has been the only way I could handle the grief.”

  “I won’t hurt you.” He cupped her face, eyeballing her.

  “Not intentionally, but I don’t think I’m up for something fleeting.” She eased out of his hands. “I’m not built that way.”

  He glanced out the window, a worry line bisecting his brows. “I’ve really got to go get Olly, so can I pop around tonight to carry on this discussion?”

  Part of Sara wanted to hear what Jake had to say, wanted to see behind the tough-guy mask that hid inner depths she suspected lurked beneath the bravado. But that would contradict what she’d just said, and she had no intention of sending mixed messages to complicate an already fraught situation.

  Her reluctance must’ve shown, because he rushed on.

  “We can have a good friendship without the other stuff complicating it, if that’s what you want,” he said. “A friendship that can last beyond the time I’m in Redemption.”

  His sincerity settled it. Jake was right. She felt closer to him than any of the so-called friends she’d known for years, friends who rarely contacted her these days because they didn’t know what to say or alternated between pussyfooting and false perkiness.

  She could use a friend like him in her life.

  “Okay. I’ll see you tonight at my place.”

  “Great.” He pecked her cheek and headed for the door, taking a tiny piece of her heart with him.

  It had been tough keeping Jake at bay when he’d been a sweet charmer. Now that he had flaws and vulnerabilities and wasn’t afraid to admit them?

  It would be darn near impossible.

  31.

  Not cool, man, not cool.” Jake glared at himself in the mirror, wishing he could erase today.

  Starting in the morning, when he’d ventured near an airfield for the first time since the accident, and ending with blurting the truth to Sara at the school.

  God, what a mess.

  He’d never intended to tell her about the accident. He’d been dealing with it. Hell, ever since he’d arrived in Redemption he’d been too busy caring for Olly to obsess all day. It had only been at nights, when he lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours, that he replayed the aftermath of the accident in
his head.

  Like a horror film stuck on repeat, he would see the smoke plume, the wreckage, the personal items strewn across the ground.

  The toys had killed him the most. There’d been seven kids on board that flight. Seven kids who’d never get a chance to grow up because of him.

  He turned away from the mirror in disgust. The only reason he’d told Sara the truth was because he’d wanted her to know he wasn’t jerking her around. Wasn’t some player who wanted to date her a few times with sex being the end game.

  It wasn’t like that with them. Hadn’t been from the start, if he was completely honest. And while not being able to kiss her or touch her would frustrate the hell out of him, he’d meant what he’d said: if friendship was all that was on offer, he’d take it. He could do with a good friend.

  He had drinking buddies back in the city. Guys he could call up to go to a ball game or hang out at a bar. But he’d been such a recluse since the accident that those guys had stopped calling about eight weeks into his funk.

  He knew what drew him to Sara. On some innate level, he connected with her sadness. Because he felt it too. Every single frigging day.

  That’s why he’d visited the airstrip today. To confront his demons. To see if the nightmares would dim if he faced his fears head on. He’d heard in town that the couple who owned the local airfield were retiring, were selling up. It reminded him of his one-time dream, to own a hangar, servicing smaller planes and private jets rather than commercial liners.

  Not that he wanted anything to do with planes anymore, but remembering his dream had driven him to check the airfield out. He’d wanted to prove to himself that he’d come a long way since he’d been in Redemption.

  Sadly, he’d parked at the end of a runway on the outer perimeter of a fence, taken one whiff of diesel fumes, and dived back into his car.

  Maybe he hadn’t come as far as he’d thought.

  Hopefully, tonight would help him forget his crappy day and solidify his relationship with Sara.

  After saying goodnight to Olly and Cilla, he checked that he had everything packed in the trunk and headed over to Sara’s. She thought they were staying in tonight. He had other ideas.

  He knocked on her door, hoping he wasn’t overstepping. What he had planned for tonight could be construed as a date. Which was what he wanted, to set Sara’s reservations at ease, but she’d made it pretty clear she wasn’t interested in short term. Maybe a moonlit picnic could be as simple as two friends eating supper?

  Yeah, and maybe he’d be getting his pilot’s license soon.

  When she opened the door, Jake released the breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding. She looked at him the same way despite knowing the truth about his demons, a beguiling mix of sincerity and sweetness, and it made him relax.

  “Come on in,” she said, holding the door open.

  “Change of plans. We’re going out.”

  She wrinkled her nose and glanced down at her sweatpants and hoodie. “But I’m not dressed for it.”

  “You’re dressed fine for where we’re headed.” He held out his hand. “Ready to go?”

  After the briefest hesitation, she snagged her keys off the hall table, took his hand and closed the door. “Should I be worried? You’re not taking me night bungee jumping or anything ridiculous like that?”

  Jake snapped his fingers. “Damn, you’ve gone and spoiled the surprise.”

  “Idiot.” She laughed and bumped him with her hip. “Where are we going?”

  “Not far.” He opened the passenger door for her, wishing he didn’t have to release her hand.

  He liked the contact with her, no matter how brief. Friends held hands, right?

  “Olly hasn’t stopped raving about your art class all evening,” he said, wanting to confront any potential awkwardness right off the bat. “You’ve inspired him.”

  “He’s such a great kid.”

  He liked how her tone softened when she spoke of Olly.

  “Best thing I ever did, bringing him here to Redemption while Rose recovers.”

  “You’re a great uncle.”

  He shot her a sideways glance, found her staring at him with warmth and something more. Something he wanted to interpret as a deeper caring but didn’t dare.

  He returned his attention to the road and they made small talk, mostly about the fair. It only took five minutes to reach their destination, the oldest vineyard in the area, which had a picnic spot on the highest peak of the property. Locals in Redemption had used it for years and while it was technically private property, the Lanagans didn’t mind people using it.

  When he pulled the car over and switched off the engine, she said, “What is this place?”

  “Lovers Lane,” he deadpanned, laughing when she whacked his arm. “Come on, I’ve packed a picnic. Thought it’d be a nice place to relax.”

  She helped him lay the blanket on the ground and unpack the basket. He’d kept it simple: baguettes, cheese, strawberries, cider.

  When they’d finished setting it out, she sat next to him, which he took as another good sign. At least she wasn’t chastising him for picking the most romantic spot in Redemption. Not yet, anyway.

  “This place is gorgeous,” she said, tucking her knees up, hugging her legs and resting her chin on her knees. She looked pensive as she stared at the vines and he wished he could capture her whimsical expression in the moonlight forever.

  “Haven’t been here since I was a kid.” He opened the cider and poured them each a glass.

  “You started young, huh?”

  He liked her teasing and he placed a hand over his heart. “I can solemnly swear that you’re the first girl I’ve ever brought up here.”

  “Lucky me.” Her eyes twinkled with amusement as he handed her a glass. “Though you know all this romance is wasted on a friend?”

  “Is it?” He stared into her eyes, reading every shift in emotion: wariness, fear, excitement, hope. He could identify with all.

  “Smooth talker.” She clinked her glass to his and sipped at her cider, giving him the opportunity to broach the awkward topic of the day.

  “You know what I told you earlier at school?”

  Her hand stilled and she lowered the glass. “Yeah?”

  “I just wanted to say you got me at a vulnerable moment so that’s why I blabbed all that heavy stuff.” He swirled the cider, staring into the amber depths. “I headed out to the airfield this morning. First time I’ve been near one since the accident.”

  Sympathy radiated off her. “That must’ve been tough.”

  “Tougher than I expected.” He’d known facing his fear would be hard but he hadn’t expected to feel so goddamn overwhelmed. He’d been filled with self-loathing, and had only averted being violently ill by driving away at high speed. Even now, twelve hours later, he couldn’t shake the shame and the despair. “Couldn’t even enter the place.”

  “Scars run deep.” She placed a hand on his thigh, unaware that her simple stroking action, designed to comfort, was eliciting a reaction of a different kind. “Guess we’ve both learned that the hard way.”

  He tried to ignore the rhythmic stroking, not wanting to ruin the bonding moment. “That’s another reason why I told you. Because I feel like we have a connection beyond the attraction stuff.”

  “You’re attracted to me?” Her wry grin made him chuckle.

  “Yeah. Go figure, huh?”

  She patted his leg and removed her hand, making him wish he’d had the sense to anchor it there when he had the chance.

  “Why did you do it? Go to the airfield?”

  “To confront my demons.” He screwed up his face. “And look how that turned out.”

  “It’ll take time,” she said, her voice soft and filled with understanding. “A few months ago, I never could’ve envisaged myself in a classroom with kids.”

  “Has it helped?”

  She nodded. “More than I could’ve imagined. Don’t get me wrong, I still cry mys
elf to sleep some nights, but it’s getting easier to function most days rather than wallowing in self-blame.”

  Self-blame? Why would Sara blame herself for Lucy’s death?

  If Jake had any chance of getting closer to Sara, of getting her to trust him the way he trusted her, he had to know what had happened with her little girl. Had to know all of it.

  “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened with Lucy?”

  Sara tipped the rest of her cider onto the ground, placed the glass back in the basket and took her time answering. He didn’t push. She’d tell him if she wanted to.

  “I loved my Lucy-Lou like nothing else. She was my world. I stayed in my marriage for her, long after I should have.” She toyed with her hair, winding the ends around her fingertip. “But I loved my job too. Loved being a financial analyst. Found it challenging and rewarding. Worked hard to get promoted in the company.”

  Her finger twisted faster. “It was tough, working all day and looking after Lucy at night. And I often had to bring work home on the weekends, but I never let it interfere with our time together.”

  Her hand stilled, her eyes glazed in memories. “We did everything together. Walks in Central Park. Visits to bookshops. Play dates. I loved every second. But then I got a great opportunity, to present at a conference in Atlantic City.”

  Her voice hitched and he slid an arm around her shoulders in silent comfort. “Lucy had had a bad cold for over a week. She’d been to the doctor’s, taken a course of antibiotics. Greg insisted she’d be fine, that he had it covered and if there was any change he’d call.”

  Her lips pursed like she’d sucked on a lemon. “I have to admit, the conference was amazing. Being surrounded by fellow analysts from all around the country, giving a kickass presentation, made me feel validated in a way motherhood couldn’t.”

  She dragged in several breaths before continuing. “Final night of the conference, I was out partying so forgot to charge my cell. Was on my way back to New York City when the call came through that Lucy was in the hospital with breathing difficulties and a high fever. By the time I got home . . . A virulent strain of viral pneumonia, the docs said.”