Once Forbidden

by TERRI BRISBIN

  The chill finally seeped in and his skin erupted in goose-flesh. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Robert pulled the end of the plaid he wore from under his belt and threw it over his shoulders and head, gathering the edges close to keep out what cold he could. Looking about to gauge his location, he realized that his steps had taken him close to one who could offer him some solace no matter who his father was. And, with his innermost feelings in an uproar, he would seek the simplest of comforts in the arms and warmth of a willing woman. Following the well-worn path to her door, he knocked and waited for her welcome. Her smile as she opened her door confirmed that he could depend on Robena for a few hours of pleasure, pleasure he hoped would bring a certain measure of forgetfulness.

  Later, as he buried his hardness within the warmth she offered and relinquished much of his frustration and desire, his thoughts still drifted to the one he could never have beneath him. The one whose name he almost called out as he reached his peak. The one whose haunted eyes begged for comfort and protection.

  Anice. His brother's wife.

  Chapter 12

  Now the rains came—first in briefs bursts, then in torrents. The snow and ice washed away and was replaced by a deep layer of mud throughout the bailey and even into the village. She'd long since given up trying to make her way anywhere but in the keep. If she were honest, the weather gave her the excuse she thought she needed to spend most of her time curled up on her bed.

  Oh, no one would comment directly to her, but the clans-people had become reticent about speaking to her. The many abbreviated conversations were obvious. Too many times lately, when she entered rooms or came upon people in hallways, their discussions would abruptly stop and only their stares would greet her. She searched her mind over and over for a reason or something she perhaps had done unintentionally to give insult, but she could remember nothing. So, 'twas easier for her to take refuge in her chambers and blame the pregnancy and the rains.

  And just as she avoided most contact with them, none sought her out. Messages were passed through Firtha. Rarely in the last week had she seen either Struan or Robert, although Robert had tried to meet her in the workroom behind the great hall. The pains in her back had forced her to cancel that and a new time had not yet been chosen.

  What was most confusing to her was the sense of fear that permeated the keep these last few days. A few times she had even seen glances of pity shared by some of the cleaning women when they were at work in her chamber. Pity? Mayhap because her time approached and they knew the pain and danger she faced. At first, that was exactly what she thought, but yesterday the expressions became even more blatant and she recognized the looks she was given. Definitely pity.

  The need to walk a bit grew stronger so she maneuvered herself off the bed and slipped on some soft shoes that still fit her swelling feet. Treading carefully across the freshly laid rushes, she tugged open her door and quietly walked down the stairway to the main floor. She was not certain what she would do there once she arrived, but she knew that the workroom was her goal. It was late, almost midnight as near as she could tell, and the hallways were deserted, the great hall quiet and empty.

  She pushed open the door and lit the lamp that sat on a high shelf in the wall. Glancing at the table, she saw that many papers had been left for her. Stretching first, she sat down and began to organize the work. In a few minutes, Anice found herself lost once more in the record-keeping needed for the clan.

  "I thought ye haid forgotten our agreement these last days." Robert's voice broke into her concentration and she smiled.

  "I did not forget, Robert. This weather seems to make my aches and pains grow until I feel like doing nothing but stay in bed."

  He laughed and the richness of it filled the room and sent tremors deep inside of her. Working with him had lessened the fears that had showed themselves to her when she had witnessed his fight with Brodie. The sheer power and strength he'd exhibited had scared her silly for a long time but his manner around her was always gentle. She had to talk herself through the first minutes anytime they met, but the fear was lessening.

  "Some would say that women in yer condition deserve to be pampered abed." He pulled a stool over closer to the table and sat. "But some would say that only hard work will prepare ye for the time ahead."

  "Tonight, with the rain pouring down and the winds howling, I favor the pampering." She closed the book she was working in and pushed it away.

  "What brings ye here, then, when a warm chamber and comfortable bed awaits ye abovestairs, Anice? Does Firtha ken yer whereabouts?" She knew by his laugh that her guilt showed on her face. She chuckled with him.

  "Come then, if yer quite finished, I will escort ye back to yer rooms." He stood and held out his arm, much as he had the second day on their trip through the village.

  She hesitated, not because of fear this time, but because the thought of staying and talking to him appealed to her. She reasoned that it was simply to catch up on all the goings-on she had missed these last few days.

  "If you have a few minutes, mayhap now would be a good time to discuss the questions you left for me here?"

  She pointed at a list written on a parchment scrap that he had left on the table for her. He sat down and pulled in closer, looking over her shoulder at the note.

  "I have time now, if yer no' too tired?"

  She laughed at the light sarcasm in his tone and shook her head. "I think now would be just fine."

  Anice was not sure how long they had worked when the commotion in the great hall interrupted. The noise passed easily through the wooden wall that separated them. Loud voices came closer and closer to the dais, which sat a few yards from them in the other room. She looked up at Robert to see his reaction. He was staring at her in the same way.

  "'Tis true, Struan. He is but a day's travel away from here and says nothing will prevent his homecoming." Brodie's voice was easily recognized.

  "Lower yer voice, man." Struan's harsh whisper was easily heard. "I dinna want her to ken. She haes enough on her mind with the birth approaching."

  Shock filled her as the subject of his words became clear to her. Unable to break from Robert's gaze, she was also certain that Robert knew what this meant. A wild tremor wracked her whole body as the knowledge sunk into her mind. Sandy was on his way to Dunnedin. Blinking quickly to clear her vision, she recognized the look in Robert's gaze—guilt and pity. He knew! They all knew! And that was the reason for the sympathetic glances over the last days.

  She stood, locking her trembling knees to keep her up, and turned to leave. She had to talk to Struan. But more words stopped her. Robert's words.

  "Anice, ye should stay here. I will go get Struan for ye."

  He stood to go, but she shook her head. Struan had promised, he had promised she would be safe until after the babe was born. On his honor as laird. He had to keep her safe... he had to.

  Her chest felt tight, as if ropes were being pulled harder and harder around her. She could not breathe. Forcing her feet to move, she took one step then another towards the door and into the hall. Her lungs refused to pull in the air around her and lights twinkled on the edges of her vision. Faster and faster she moved to find Struan. Sweat beaded on her forehead and face as she entered the hall and made her way up the steps to the dais. Gasping now, she reached the table and leaned against it.

  The men saw her and silence filled the cavernous room. Brodie, Iain, Struan, and the others, she saw them all. She heard Robert come up behind her but her eyes could focus on no one but Struan. Panting once more as a strong pain pierced her side and belly, she screamed out his name.

  "Struan! Ye gave me yer word. Yer word as laird. Please, ye must tell me I am safe."

  Another pain tore through her and her vision blurred. Rubbing her hand over her eyes to clear them did not work. Anice looked at Struan and he would not meet her gaze. Struggling for breath, she reached out to him. He had to help her. He'd promised. He'd promised. At his refusal to
look at her, she knew the truth. Sandy was returning now. Oh, dear God, no!

  Darkness began to close in on her now. The sounds of the men in front of her lessened to quiet and all she could hear was the blood rushing through her veins and her heart pumping. The light in the room dimmed from farther back in the hall, up towards the dais, until she was not sure she could see anyone. And just as her legs crumpled under her, she heard an ear-piercing scream fill the room. Clutching her belly, she stopped fighting and fell to the ground.

  Her last thoughts were of the Lady Anice she had been— she would never have screamed like that.

  * ~ * ~ *

  Chaos erupted at her collapse. Robert had been standing close enough to her to cushion her fall and prevent injury to her or the babe within. Men and women of the clan rushed into the room after her scream. He lifted her into his arms, ready to carry her to her chambers, and noticed Firtha making her way to the dais. As he positioned Anice in his arms, he felt the wetness in her gown and fear filled him. Could this be the bairn coming now?

  Struan called out orders to some of the men and Robert realized he was planning to leave the castle now. Robert decided to take Anice to her room and let the women tend to her. They would know better what she needed than he ever would.

  "Struan, I would ride with ye. Give me but a moment to take Anice to her rooms." He started to walk down the steps.

  "Ye stay here, Robert. I have the men I need."

  "Struan?" Robert stopped and turned to face him. "Will ye stand by yer word to her?"

  "Ye question my word?" Struan's face darkened with rage but Robert did not care. Anice would need to know she was safe from whatever danger Sandy represented to her.

  "In her stead, aye, I do."

  "'Twill be as I promised her. Now, take her and see to her. And see to Dunnedin until I return."

  Torn between arguing with Struan and the seriousness of Anice's condition, Robert delayed but a moment before walking quickly through the hall. The growing wetness seeping through the gown underneath her terrified him. Either she bled or her birth water had broken—neither a good sign. He'd seen this before in Dunbarton and the outcome was never good. At least Ada was here. The old one had much experience in delivering babes and her presence would be of benefit to Anice.

  "Firtha, fetch Ada to milady's chambers," he barked out as he passed the woman.

  In a few minutes, he entered the room and placed Anice on the bed. She'd made no move since that god-awful scream in the hall and whether that scream was due to the pain or to the news of Sandy's return, he did not know. He knew only that the sound of it nearly shattered his heart as she cried out her fear. What could his brother have done to engender such terror in his wife? As he positioned a pillow beneath her head, he realized that no one ever spoke whatever had happened between the two of them. That was very unusual, since secrets never seemed to stay that way within the closeness of the clan. They did it to protect her, he understood that now.

  The sounds of swishing garments and the low voices behind him informed him that Firtha and Ada had arrived. They were followed by several other women and he suddenly felt very out of place. He would turn over her care to those who knew what to do.

  "Ada, she is wet underneath. I felt it as I carried her up here." His words were almost whispered but the impact of them was not.

  "Dear God in heaven," Firtha cried out as she ran to her mistress's bed. The other women in the room crossed themselves and mumbled prayers under their breath.

  "Go, now, Robert, we will see to her." Ada patted his arm as she walked past him. "The lass is in God's hands now."

  "And, Firtha?" He waited for the woman's attention before continuing. At her glance, he said, "'Tell Anice when she awakes that Struan honors his word to her. Ada? Call on me if there is anything I can do."

  The words did not encompass the feelings within him at that moment. His stomach clenched in fear and anger for her situation. Many, many women died giving birth, and sometimes the bairn died as well. 'Twas the most dangerous thing a woman could do in life. His own mother had died giving birth to him. Would she die now? His throat burned and his eyes stung at the thought. Clearing his throat, he turned at Ada's nod and left the room, leaving Anice in their care.

  Making his way back to the lower floor, he looked for anyone who might have heard the whole exchange and might know where Struan and the other men went. No one was there. The room was empty as when he had passed it on his way to the workroom earlier. Even though no announcement was made, Robert knew that word of Anice's condition was even now passing from one to another throughout the clan. In a short time, all in Dunnedin would be praying for her and for the safe delivery of the bairn she carried.

  He entered the workroom and grabbed a woolen cloak from a peg on the wall. Wrapping himself in its length and pulling the hood up, he left the keep to check on the guards. Struan had left Dunnedin in his care and he would make certain that all was well before he retired for the night.

  Jagged streaks of lightning criss-crossed the sky, lighting the bailey with an unnatural green-gray glow. Robert leaned down and fought the wind with his every step. The weather seemed to reflect the chaos of the clan this night. In spite of his plaid, he was soaked through when he reached the guard tower on the wall and he was dripping when his inspections were complete. Seeking his own chambers, he pulled off his wet clothes and put on dry ones, wanting to be ready if needed.

  Kneeling on the floor next to his bed, he offered his own prayers up to the Almighty for Anice and her bairn. Once done, he lay on his bed and awaited news from either the women or from Struan. It would be a long night for the MacKendimen clan.

  * ~ * ~ *

  Bolting upright, his senses immediately alert for signs of danger, Robert leapt from the bed. Realizing that dawn's light did not pour through his small window, he knew it was not day yet. The sound that waked him did not repeat itself, but he knew in an instant it had been Anice... screaming. He pulled open his door and walked down the hallway to her chambers. Robert tapped lightly on the door and it was Rachelle, Brodie's wife, who answered his knock.

  "Rachelle, how does she fare?" His height over her allowed him to peek inside the room. Dimly lit, it was hard to see much from his position.

  "She is no' well, Robert I fear for her and the bairn," Rachelle replied in a low whisper.

  "May I see her?" Robert wasn't certain what he could do, but he wanted to see her condition for himself. Rachelle looked behind her and waited for permission from the others within. Once it was granted, she quietly tugged the door open and let him pass.

  Robert held his breath, not really knowing what to expect. He had been present at only one birth and that was when a MacKillop woman had suddenly given birth on her way to the mill. He happened along and witnessed it—amazed at how quickly it all occurred. The woman was up in a short time, carrying her new one back to her cottage. The woman had given birth to five others in the same manner, with relative ease and apparently little or no pain. But Robert knew that was not often the case. Keeping his steps soundless, he approached the side of the bed.

  Anice lay in a fitful sleep, her brow covered with sweat. They had removed the gown she wore before and now she was dressed in only a nightrail, its pale color only made richer by her ghostly complexion. Without thought, he reached out and touched her cheek. Her eyes opened and garbled words poured from her mouth. He bent over to listen more closely when he noticed that her gaze was feverish and glassy. Nothing she said made any sense.

  "Is the bairn coming?" he asked, not looking away from Anice.

  "Aye, Robert. 'Twas the birth waters ye felt on her dress," Ada answered.

  "But the babe is too early. Will she...?" He could not say the words.

  "'Tis too soon for the bairn but we canna stop it. Moira's brew worked for a short time, but the pains have returned and much stronger than afore." Ada's explanation sent cold shivers of fear down his back.

  "Does she ken what is happe
ning to her?" Anice looked senseless to him. Could a woman deliver a babe like that?

  "She is between sleep and wakefulness, Robert. She comes to, struggles with the pain, and then falls back to this." Ada held out her hand, pointing to Anice. "'Tis almost like she is trying to keep the babe inside."

  Firtha leaned around him and wiped Anice's forehead and cheeks. More mumbled words flowed from her. Firtha straightened the bedclothes and pushed Anice's hair back from her face. Even he could see this would end badly.

  "What can be done? Is there nothing or no one that can help her?"

  Before anyone could answer, Anice clutched at her belly and began to writhe on the bed. Her face was contorted in pain, her jaws and mouth clamped shut in a horrible grimace. After a minute of struggle, she let loose a loud keening cry that made his stomach turn. There must be something he could do for her. Standing there, a witness to her anguish, he felt the sweat run down his own back. He was a man. He was a warrior. He could bear this kind of pain and face it, survive it. She could not.

  "We must make her give up her struggle and work with the pains. If the bairn is coming, it must come for good or bad. At least she might live." Ada looked to him for an answer.

  "How can ye do that? Do ye have some brew that will bring her back to her senses?" Their expressions were answer enough. "Well then, how do ye plan to do it?"

  "Will ye speak to her, Robert? Mayhap yer words will bring her out of this stupor," Firtha suggested.

  "My words? But ye have been with her for years, Firtha. Surely she will respond to you...." Robert ran his hand through his hair. He knew now why the birthing room was no place for men. He could fight his enemies and win but he had no idea how to bring Anice through this struggle.