Hold Me Like This (A second chance, small town romance) (Love Me Like This Book 3)

by Lola StVil

  Why did I get angry and yell at him about him interrupting my life? Why didn’t I just tell him the truth—that I thought I could force myself to get over him but I can’t? Most importantly, why didn’t I tell him that I love him and ask him to get me out of here or at least invite me to his party? I can slam shots with the best of ’em. I swallow hard, trying to fight off the tears. I don’t want anyone to know how much this has destroyed me. I was so worried about Holden hurting me that I did a great job of that all by myself.

  Why, why, why?

  Dick puts his hand on my hip as we dance, and I tense a little. I force myself to relax, reminding myself it’s not Dick I’m pissed at. I mean, he still thinks we’re on a normal date, and it’s surely normal to put a hand on a hip, or a waist, when you’re dancing on a date, right? I have no real idea of what’s normal and what’s not in the dating world. I just don’t belong in it. I never did.

  His hand starts to move, sliding over my hip and cupping my ass. Now screw that. I know that much isn’t normal, and even if it is, then consider me abnormal because I won’t have Dick pawing at me like that. I take his wrist and gently but firmly move his hand to my back. He smiles apologetically, and I let it go. Okay, so he took a chance, but he’s seen it hasn’t worked and hopefully he won’t try it again.

  Letting it go is clearly a mistake. Dick takes the fact I didn’t punch him in the face as an invite to let his hands roam again. And again, I pull his hand off my ass, this time being a whole lot less gentle.

  He mutters something that I think might be about me “playing hard to get,” but over the music and the noise in the bar, I can’t be certain, and I don’t want to lash out only to learn that I misheard him. I’ve already caused enough of a scene tonight without having an argument with Dick in the middle of the busy bar.

  The third time his hand winds up on my ass, I’m pissed off. Once is chancing it, twice is pushing it, but three times is just creepy. There’s no way he can think I want him to do it, not after his first two attempts were shut down so quickly. I take his wrist, and this time, instead of placing his hand on my back, I push it back toward him, leaving it hanging at his side.

  “You can stop the games now, Grey. We both know this is what you want really,” he says.

  He reaches out and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me against him. I try to step back, but he’s holding me so tightly I can’t move.

  “Please stop it,” I say.

  He is so close that when he speaks to me, I can feel his breath on my neck.

  “Lighten up, alright? You don’t have to be such a fucking prude all the time. No one is looking at us. Just relax and enjoy the moment, Grey.”

  He moves one of his arms from around my waist, his hand reaching down and starting to lift my dress up. I freeze for a second, and it’s only when his fingers brush my bare thigh in a place much higher than where my dress should be that I react.

  “What the hell? Get off me,” I shout, shoving him away.

  His grip isn’t as tight now that he’s only holding me with one arm, and his hands fall away from me as he stumbles backward.

  “You stuck-up little bitch,” he barks.

  He reaches out and grabs my upper arms, squeezing them tightly.

  “That was a fucking mistake, Grey,” he sneers, close to my face.

  I try to wiggle free. His grip is so tight it’s hurting me, and I can’t get free. I feel the first stirring of panic going through me.

  “Get off me,” I shout again.

  Where the fuck is Cannon? The whole point of him coming here tonight was to make sure nothing like this would happen. And now that I need him to intervene, he’s nowhere to be seen.

  Dick squeezes harder, and the look of lust in his eyes terrifies me, freezing me to the spot. Suddenly, his hands are gone, as he’s wrenched backward and then he’s spinning around. Holden is there. He dragged Dick off me. Before I have time to react, he slams a fist into Dick’s face. Dick swings out blindly, catching Holden on the jaw. Holden punches him again.

  The music stops, and people are staring. I feel my face flushing red with embarrassment as tears run down my face, and I can’t seem to stop them. Things were getting awfully out of hand there, and I don’t know how far it might have gone if Holden hadn’t intervened when he did.

  Fists are flying, and I don’t know what to do to stop the fight. Luckily, I’m saved from having to try when a man pushes his way through the crowd that’s gathered and drags Holden off Dick. Dick kicks out at the man, who I now see is Carter, a regular at the diner.

  “Don’t even fucking go there,” Carter tells Dick. “Or he will be the least of your problems.”

  Holden is trying to get free from Carter’s grip, but Carter isn’t letting go. Dick turns to me.

  “Seems your old friend is a bit of a nutcase,” he says. “Let’s go back to my place and continue our night like civilized human beings.”

  I am shocked that somehow Dick thinks this date is going to continue anywhere, never mind back at his place. He reaches out and goes to take my hand. I snatch it away, still too shaken to say anything. I just shake my head.

  My reaction ignites Holden’s temper again, and it’s all Carter can do to stop him from getting loose. Rick has appeared beside Holden, and he has a grip on him too. Zeke and a couple other guys put themselves between Holden and Dick now.

  “See what I mean? He’s an animal,” Dick says.

  Cannon pushes his way through the crowd coming toward me. Finally.

  “Are you okay?” he asks me.

  “No,” I say. “This creep was … touching me. Where the fuck were you?”

  “I’m sorry, Grey. I went to the restroom, and when I came back, all hell had broken loose. I didn’t think he’d dare try anything in such a packed place. Really, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” I whisper. “I just need to get out of here, but if I leave now, I think Holden will kill Dick.”

  “Is that such a bad thing?” He winks.

  I’m not ready to joke about this. I’m far from it, and Cannon senses my mood. He puts his arm around my shoulders and gives me a quick squeeze.

  “If Holden goes too far, he’ll get arrested,” I say.

  I think back to what he told me about the night he left town. If he gets arrested now, that could come back to bite him in the ass, and I can’t have him going to prison for me. If I can find a way to calm the situation down now, I don’t think Dick will press charges. I mean, he was groping me and surely he won’t want that to come out. I still don’t know what to say or do to end this amicably though. Reminding Dick he was groping me will only make Holden madder.

  Cannon nods and what he does next is the only thing that could calm Holden down enough to stop him from being arrested. Cannon goes over to him and hands him his keys.

  “Get Grey out of here. Now,” he says.

  “I will when I’ve dealt with that son of a bitch,” Holden snarls.

  “Fuck him,” Cannon says. “Grey needs to go home now. Look at her.”

  Holden does. I must look shaken up enough to worry him because all the fight drains out of him. Carter nods to Rick, and they release him. He comes over to me and takes off his leather jacket and slips it over my shoulders, and Dick sensibly takes a step back, giving him plenty of room to pass, although he’s still muttering about what a psycho he is. Holden ignores him, his eyes fixed on me. It’s like suddenly we’re the only two people in the room.

  Holden leads me by the hand to our booth, where I retrieve my purse, and then he takes me outside. I allow myself to be led, not sure what exactly just happened but knowing I had a lucky escape.

  He opens my door and waits until I’m in the car to shut it. I snuggle into the warmth of his jacket. It smells like him. Like cedar and musk. Holden drives me back home. The ride is completely silent. I don’t know what to say to ease the tension that sits between us, and to be honest, I don’t have the energy to try and think of anything. There’
s really nothing left to say I suppose, although even thinking that makes me sad in a way I haven’t been since I was seventeen.

  Is it really the end for us?

  Not even any more what ifs?

  The car pulls up around the back of the diner, and I sit there for a minute. Holden kills the engine, gets out, and walks around to open the door for me. I step out of the car and into the cool, crisp air, pulling the jacket tighter around me. He walks me to the outer door, using Cannon’s keys to unlock it. He gestures for me to enter, and I walk up the stairs in a daze.

  I can hear Holden coming up behind me, making sure I get to my apartment alright. I have a sudden urge to beg him to come inside and never leave, but I swallow it down. He already saved me from myself once tonight. I really don’t want to play the damsel in distress role.

  I reach the door to my apartment, still lost in thought and dreading going in and being alone with my thoughts. Thoughts of what might have happened had Holden not been there tonight. Thoughts of Dick’s hands pawing at me. Gross thoughts that make me want to retch and shower simultaneously.

  Holden touches my arm, and I jump, pulling my arm away. I see the hurt on his face, and I try to explain. I’m not afraid of Holden. I know I am safe with him. I jumped because I was a million miles away and I wasn’t expecting the touch, not because I was afraid or because his touch repulsed me in any way.

  “I’m sorry. I …”

  Holden shakes his head, ignoring my apology.

  “It’s fine,” he says. “I can’t believe you blew me off for him though. I know I fucked up, Grey. I know I did. But you said you understood. You said you could forgive me.”

  “I’ve forgiven you for leaving, Holden. Really I have. But to let you back in again is a big step. I went out with Dick tonight to prove to myself that I could get over you. I guess I can’t because that date was a fucking disaster before it started with or without Dick. The thing is though, it doesn’t matter how much I want you. I can forgive you for leaving. But I don’t think I can ever forgive you for waiting seven years to come back for me.”

  And there it is. The elephant in the room. The one thing I haven’t even voiced to myself before now. I can forgive him for going away. I get it. I can even understand why he couldn’t say goodbye. But to wait seven years to explain is too long.

  A day or two to get his head straight, sure. Even a week or two. But seven fucking years. No. That’s when I know. No matter how much I want Holden, even need him, I can never let myself go there again.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  HOLDEN

  The worst part plays over again in my head. I don’t think I can ever forgive you. Her words cut through me like a knife because the fact is, they’re true. I walked away and left her, and never contacted her again. It’s too late to make this right. I see that now, but I can at least make her understand how much she always meant to me.

  “You’re right,” I say. “I should have called you sooner. I wanted to, but I was so afraid of your reaction that I put it off and put it off, and then suddenly, it had been too long, and I knew I had no right to just come along and intrude on your life again.”

  “So why now?” she asks.

  Why now?

  Because I realized my life has no meaning without her in it. Because I realized life is too short to not go after what you want. Because even after all of this time, I let myself hope there was a chance for us.

  How can I tell her any of this without laying myself bare in front of her? I can’t, but that’s okay. If there’s one person I can fully open up to, it’s her. And it’s not like we’ll have to see each other again after this. I’ll go to the city, forget the apartment here. I can live with losing my deposit.

  I could just walk away now, but I won’t do that to her again. I was a kid then. Now I’m a man, and I know better. She deserves so much, everything. I can’t give her that. I see that now. But I can give her the explanation I should have given way back then. I can make sure she knows none of what happened was her fault and none of it was because she wasn’t enough for me.

  “It’s a long story,” I warn her.

  “I have a long time,” she says.

  I nod and go and sit on the top stair. It feels strange being so close to the place where we made passionate love last night and having this conversation instead. I sat here in case she invited me in. I couldn’t bear to lose her in the same place I thought I had won her back. She seems to understand because she makes no move to invite me in.

  Instead, she sits down on the hard stair beside me, wrapping herself tighter in my jacket. Using it as a shield. I am conscious of the heat coming off her, of her leg touching mine, her side pressed against mine. I force myself to ignore the feelings she stirs in me and concentrate on getting through my explanation. It won’t be enough. Nothing could ever be enough to explain how I could hurt her so badly.

  “When I left that night, all I could think about was you. I was filled with this burning hatred for my father at that moment, and you were a shining light in the center of it. I told myself I would call you the second I arrived. My father took my cell phone, but there were pay phones I could use, and your number was ingrained in my head.

  “By the time my father finally left, and I was shown to my dorm, it was late. Too late to call, so I told myself I’d call the next morning. The next morning came, and I wanted more than anything to call you, but something stopped me. I was a mess, Grey. I knew that much, and I didn’t want to drag you into my shit. I figured I’d get my head straightened out, and then I’d call you. I reasoned it would only be a few days.

  “But days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. At some point, I had to stop kidding myself. I’d changed, I knew I had. For the better. I learned techniques to deal with the anger inside me, and for the first time, I was learning useful skills. I was becoming someone I thought you might be proud of.

  “And that’s when I knew I couldn’t call you. It sounds stupid now, but it made so much sense to me at the time. Every night before I went to sleep, I wrote you a letter. I told you about my day, my struggles, fears, progress, even how much I actually missed you and wished you were with me. You encouraged me through the hard times, and you celebrated with me through the good times. You were my rock, my savior. And I knew too long had gone by for you to want to be those things for me anymore.

  “I knew if I called you, you wouldn’t be pleased to hear from me; you’d be mad. And I couldn’t handle the thought of you hating me. I needed the fantasy version of you. The version that still loved me.”

  I pause and look at her.

  “Does that make any sense at all?” I ask.

  “I guess it does,” she says. “It’s a way of keeping hope alive. I asked your parents what happened. Your dad told me pretty much the truth. You went too far and were sent to military school. Your mom tried to soften the blow; she knew what I was really asking. I was asking why you hadn’t called me. She told me they only allowed calls to one number. Theirs. I knew it was bullshit, but you know what? I never once made any effort to check because if I had, and I found out for sure it was a lie, I’d have had to let go of the idea of us. And while I could convince myself it was true, I could convince myself you were still planning on coming back for me. I guess we share the blame in some ways.”

  I nod, shocked to learn she had experienced similar feelings.

  “It had been about a year when I finally decided to just call you. I told myself I couldn’t live in this limbo forever. I called and when you answered, I panicked and hung up. It had been too long, and I knew I couldn’t just try to come back into your life. I loved you enough to let you go.”

  “So what changed, Holden? Why did you come back here and blow my whole life up? Why did you dredge up memories so painful I can hardly bear to think about them?”

  “Six months before I was due to be discharged, I was on active duty. A soldier went down in the middle of a vicious gunfight. B
ullets were flying, and I knew I didn’t stand a chance in hell of saving him. Even from the edge, I could see his insides on the ground beside him. But I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. I might not have been able to save his life, but I could give him something for the pain, and I could hold his hand as he screamed for his mom. At least he wouldn’t have to die alone.

  “I didn’t make it to him. I was hit partway across the battlefield. More than once. I was floating in and out of consciousness, but I knew enough to know I was at the end. The team managed to pull me out of there and took me to the base, where I was treated. I begged the doctors not to call anyone. I didn’t want my mom to see me like that. I ended up in a coma.

  “I could hear them, Grey. I could hear them talking about me like I was already gone. None of them thought I would make it. Hell, I knew I wouldn’t. I heard talk of a bullet penetrating my brain. My medical training had taught me enough to know that’s a death sentence. I let go. I wanted to die at that point.

  “But something kept me fighting. That something was you. Even when I tried to let go, all I could think of was you. I could see your eyes, your hair. I could hear your laugh, and I could feel your arms around me. I could hear you whispering to me, telling me to hold on. To fight it and come back to you. You really were my savior. I listened to you, and I fought it.

  “No one was more surprised than me when I woke up. I needed extensive physio, but after five months, I was diagnosed as cured. Your memory literally saved my life, Grey. When I went back to base, I realized that I was willing to give up on life because I felt like I had nothing worth living for.

  “I mean, I liked being a surgeon, but it wasn’t enough. But when I thought of you, I knew I did have something worth living for. You. I knew I had to fight for you. I had to come back and make you see that I was sorry, that I was back and I was here to stay this time.”

  I pause for a moment and look her in the eyes.

  “I knew I had to fight for you. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I had to try. Obviously, I’m too late.”