Mr. Tony Is Full of Baloney!

by Dan Gutman

  My Weird School Daze #11

  Dan Gutman

  Pictures by

  Jim Paillot

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Chapter 1 - My Mom’s Big Nose

  Chapter 2 - Deal or No Deal

  Chapter 3 - Mr. Tony Is Weird

  Chapter 4 - Pizza and Pogo-Juggling

  Chapter 5 - The Sequel to Halloween

  Chapter 6 - The Land of No Toilets

  Chapter 7 - My Genius Idea

  Chapter 8 - The Biggest Pizza in the World

  Chapter 9 - The Greatest Day of My Life

  Chapter 10 - Pizza Toppings

  Chapter 11 - A Happy Ending

  About the Author

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Chapter 1

  My Mom’s Big Nose

  My name is A.J. and I hate asparagus.

  Ha! I bet you were thinking I was going to say I hate school. But I didn’t. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you. That just goes to show that you shouldn’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.

  I really don’t know what that means, but my mom is always saying you shouldn’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Nobody knows why. I wouldn’t want to count chickens even after they were hatched. Who wants to count chickens at all? I’ve heard of people counting sheep, but never chickens. I don’t even know anybody who has chickens. Except for maybe the one we keep in the refrigerator for dinner. And it’s easy to count one chicken.

  One.

  See? You’re done counting.1

  Where was I?

  Oh, yeah. You’ll never believe what happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I came home from school that Thursday and my mom said, “I have big news, A.J.!”

  “Your nose isn’t that big,” I replied.

  “Very funny,” my mom said. “The big news is that I’m going back to work.”

  “WHAT?!”

  Before my sister and I were born, Mom had a job. She worked in a restaurant. That was back in ancient times, when dinosaurs roamed the earth. My mom stopped working so she could take care of us. That’s not even like working at all because they don’t give you any money for taking care of your own kids. Besides, I figure I’m so much fun to be around that taking care of me isn’t even like work.

  “I decided you kids are old enough now so that I can get a job again,” Mom told me, “and we could use some extra money around here.”

  “What kind of a job?” I asked her. “Are you going to be a jet fighter pilot or a brain surgeon?”

  Having your mom as a brain surgeon would be cool. On Take Your Child to Work Day, you could watch her open up people’s heads and look inside. That would be awesome!

  “No,” she explained. “I’m starting a little catering company called The Six Moms. I’m teaming up with Andrea’s, Michael’s, Ryan’s, Emily’s, and Neil’s mothers.”

  “Catering?” I asked. “What’s ‘catering’?”

  “We’re going to make sandwiches and things like that for parties,” Mom said.

  I slapped my head.

  “Sandwiches?” I said. “People can make their own sandwiches. All you have to do is take a piece of bread and put stuff on it. Then you put another piece of bread on top of the stuff. Amazing! You made a sandwich!”

  “We’re going to make fancy sandwiches,” my mom told me.

  That made no sense, because all sandwiches go to the same place after you eat them.

  “You should make something people need,” I told her, “like a homework machine. Or something to spray on your skin so girls will stop bothering you.”

  “A.J., the important thing is that my new job is going to affect you, too,” Mom told me.

  “Me? What do I have to do with your job?”

  “Well, I just signed you up for the after-school program,” Mom said.

  WHAT?!

  Chapter 2

  Deal or No Deal

  The after-school program?

  Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

  Not the after-school program! Anything but the after-school program!

  It’s bad enough that I have to go to school for a million hundred hours during the day. Now I’d have to go to school after school is over!

  I thought I was gonna die. This was the worst thing to happen to me since TV Turnoff Week. My life was finished.

  “Can’t you just poke my eyeballs out instead of sending me to the after-school program?” I asked my mom. “That would be more fun.”

  “The after-school program will be fun, A.J.!” she told me. “You’ll get to play games, sing songs, make projects, and be with your friends. That’s got to be better than sitting around the house watching TV after school.”

  “I like sitting around the house watching TV after school!” I told her. “What could be better than sitting around the house watching TV?”

  No matter what I said, I couldn’t talk her out of it. My mom was going back to work, and I had to be in the after-school program.

  When I met up with my friends walking to school on Friday morning, I could tell they were all depressed.

  “I guess you heard the bad news,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.

  “Yeah,” said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food. “Starting today, we have to go to the after-school program.”

  “This is horrible,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. “This is the worst day of my life.”

  “Our lives are over,” I said. “Bummer in the summer.”

  That’s when Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair, came skipping down the street. She was with her crybaby friend Emily.

  “Did you hear the news?” Andrea said, all excited. “Our moms are starting a catering business! And we’re going to be in the after-school program!”

  Ugh! Not only did I have to go to school after school, but I had to go to school after school with Little Miss Know-It-All Andrea. It was definitely the worst day in the history of the world.

  I was in a bad mood all day long. I couldn’t concentrate on anything my teacher, Mr. Granite, was saying. All I could think about was the after-school program.

  Just before the three-o’clock bell rang, we had to go to the all-purpose room for an assembly.2 I sat next to Ryan. Little Miss Perfect sat in front of us.

  Our principal, Mr. Klutz, got up on the stage. He has no hair at all. I mean none. They should use his head in lighthouses to send signals to ships at sea.

  Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means “shut up.”

  “I have two announcements to make,” he told us. “First, please welcome our new health teacher, Ms. Leakey.”

  We all clapped for some lady who got up onstage. She looked really healthy, so I guess it’s good that she’s a health teacher.

  “Second,” Mr. Klutz continued, “Ella Mentry School is going to have a food drive.”

  “Food drive?” I whispered to Ryan. “What’s up with that? Food can’t drive. That would be weird to have a chicken driving your car.”

  “No, dumbhead,” Ryan whispered back. “A food drive isn’t when a chicken drives your car. It’s when you drive a chicken around in your car.”

  “Why would anybody want to drive a chicken around in their car?” I asked Ryan.

  Andrea turned around, rolled her eyes, and said, “Shhhhhh!”

  “A food drive is when you collect food for needy people,” Mr. Klutz announced.

  Oh. I knew that.

  Mr. Klutz told us there are a lot of kids who don’t have enough to eat.

  “Hunger is a big problem in our country,” he said, “so we’re go
ing to collect as much food as we can and bring it to a food bank.”

  “Food bank?” I whispered to Ryan. “Who puts food in a bank? Wouldn’t it smell really bad after a while?”

  “How would you fit the food in a bank anyway?” Ryan whispered back. “You can’t push it through the little slot. Food should be put in a refrigerator.”

  “Mr. Klutz probably keeps his money in the refrigerator,” I whispered. Ryan laughed.

  Andrea turned around again so she could roll her eyes and shush at us. What is her problem? Why can’t a bank full of food fall on her head?

  “A food bank is a place that gives food to hungry people,” Mr. Klutz told us.

  “I knew that,” I whispered to Ryan.

  “And to help you kids get excited about our food drive, I’ll make a deal with you,” Mr. Klutz said. “If you collect 3,000 pounds of food, I’ll jump out of an airplane in an ape suit and land on the roof of the school.”

  “WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  Mr. Klutz has been taking parachuting lessons ever since he went to principal camp. He loves jumping out of planes.

  “3,000 pounds?” Michael called out. “That’s a lot of food, Mr. Klutz. How about we collect 2,000 pounds?”

  “3,000 pounds of food,” Mr. Klutz repeated. “That’s my final offer. Take it or leave it.”

  “We’ll take it!” we all shouted.

  It would be hilarious to see Mr. Klutz jump out of a plane in an ape suit. Not many principals are willing to do stuff like that.

  Mr. Klutz is nuts.

  Chapter 3

  Mr. Tony Is Weird

  Brrrriiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggggg!!!

  The three-o’clock bell rang. We watched out the window while most of the other kids got on the buses or were picked up by their parents. We were all really sad. Emily was wiping her eyes like she was about to start crying. What a crybaby!

  “Look at all those kids,” Neil the nude kid said, “going home to their TV sets.”

  “To their video games,” said Michael.

  “To their pets,” said Andrea.

  “To their snacks,” said Ryan.

  “And we have to stay here just because our moms want to make some dumb sandwiches,” I said. “It’s not fair.”

  We had to walk a million hundred miles all the way to the other side of the school, where the ASKK room is. ASKK stands for “After-School Kids’ Kare,” which makes no sense at all because “care” is spelled with a C, not a K. How are we supposed to learn how to spell if they can’t even spell “ASKK” right?

  The grown-up in charge of ASKK is Mr. Tony, but he wasn’t there yet. The door was locked. Some other kids were waiting in the hall. I guess their moms had to make sandwiches, too.

  “I have an idea,” I told the guys. “Let’s make a run for it!”

  “They probably have guards with machine guns who will shoot us if we try to escape,” said Ryan.

  “Maybe we can dig a tunnel and escape to freedom,” said Michael. “I saw that in a war movie once. The prisoners dug a hole in the ground and hid the dirt down their pants so the guards wouldn’t notice.”

  “I’m not putting dirt down my pants,” I said.

  “We don’t have a shovel anyway,” said Neil. “We can’t dig a tunnel.”

  “Boys!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.

  That’s when the strangest thing in the history of the world happened. A guy came over.

  Well, that’s not the strange part because guys come over all the time. The strange part was that the guy came over on a pogo stick, and he was juggling three balls.

  “Mr. Tony, reporting for duty!” he said.

  We all giggled because Mr. Tony said “duty,” which sounds just like “doody.” It’s okay to say “D-U-T-Y,” but grown-ups get really mad when you say “D-O-O-D-Y.” Nobody knows why.

  Mr. Tony jumped off the pogo stick. He’s a big guy with a mustache. He saluted us like he was in the army. I saw he had a big white Band-Aid on his arm.

  “Ten-hut!” he said.

  Army guys always say “Ten-hut” when they want you to stand up straight. Nobody knows why.

  “At ease,” Mr. Tony said. He handed out name tags to each of us and opened the door to the ASKK room. “I won’t tolerate any foolishness in here. I run a tight ship.”

  I looked around the ASKK room. There wasn’t any ship in there. I don’t understand why people are always talking about ships. What’s up with that?

  “Are we going boating?” I asked.

  “Of course not!” Mr. Tony yelled. “What would make you think we’d go boating in the after-school program?”

  “How should I know?” I asked. “You’re the one who brought it up.”

  Mr. Tony is weird.

  Chapter 4

  Pizza and Pogo-Juggling

  Mr. Tony seemed like he was really mean. But suddenly, he broke out into a big grin.

  “I was just kidding with that army stuff,” he said. “Welcome to the ASKK program! Are you kids ready to have fun?”

  “Yes!” said all the girls.

  “No,” said all the boys.

  “Before we have fun,” Andrea said, “may I ask you a question, Mr. Tony?”

  “Certainly,” he replied.

  “Why were you juggling on a pogo stick?”

  “I’m trying to get into The Guinness Book of World Records,” Mr. Tony said. “The record for pogo-juggling is almost 25 minutes. I want to break it.”

  Pogo-juggling? Now I knew Mr. Tony was weird.

  “Did you get hurt pogo-juggling?” asked Emily. “Is that why you have a Band-Aid on your arm?”

  “It’s not a Band-Aid. It’s a nicotine patch,” Mr. Tony explained. “I’m trying to quit smoking.”

  “Cigarettes are really bad for you,” said Ryan.

  “I know,” Mr. Tony said. “I used to be a chain-smoker.”

  “You smoked chains?” I asked. “That’s weird.”

  “A chain-smoker is somebody who smokes all the time, Arlo!” Andrea said. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.

  “I knew that,” I lied.

  “My doctor says that if I do a lot of exercise, it will help me quit smoking,” Mr. Tony said. “So I thought I would try to do something active and get into The Guinness Book of World Records. If I was the best in the world at something, I think I would have the confidence to stop smoking.”

  That made sense, I guess.

  Mr. Tony took us on a tour of the ASKK room.

  “On nice days you can play out in the playground,” he told us, “but there are lots of fun things to do in here too.”

  The ASKK room was divided into a bunch of little stations. There was one station for drawing pictures, one station for arts and crafts, one station for cooking, one station for making stuff with beads and Legos, and one station for playing board games.3

  “You can do whatever you want,” said Mr. Tony. “You can even do your homework if you’d like, over here in the homework station.”

  That’s where Andrea will probably spend her time. She loves homework. I bet that on her birthday she asks her parents to give her more homework.

  “I don’t want to do any of that stuff,” I told Mr. Tony.

  “Me neither,” said Ryan.

  “We don’t want to be here,” said Michael.

  “Yeah, we want to go home,” said Neil the nude kid.

  Mr. Tony looked sad for a minute. But then he snapped his fingers.

  “I have an idea for something you boys would like to do!” he said. “Let’s make a pizza!”

  Pizza? I love pizza! I could eat pizza all day long. Well, maybe not in the shower. That would be weird.

  “We don’t know how to make a pizza,” said Ryan.

  “I’ll show you how!” Mr. Tony said. “It’s easy.”

  He told us he was born in Italy, and his father has been making pizza for fifty years.

  “Doesn’t your fat
her get tired?” I asked. Nobody laughed even though I said something funny.

  Mr. Tony showed us how to throw the pizza dough up in the air. We all got to help spread the sauce and the cheese on top of it. Then we put the pizza in the oven for like a million hundred minutes. When it was done, each of us got a slice.

  The pizza was great! In fact, it was more than great. It was the most awesome pizza in the history of the world, because we helped make it.

  Maybe going to the after-school program won’t be so horrible after all.

  Chapter 5

  The Sequel to Halloween

  It was getting dark outside when my mom finally came to pick me up from school.

  “So, tell me all about the after-school program,” she said as we got into the car. “What did you do?”

  “Nothin’,” I said.

  Any time your mom asks what you did during the day, always say “Nothin’.” Even if an alien spaceship landed in the middle of the lunchroom that day, just tell your mom that nothing happened. Even if a spaceship landed and a bunch of alien Elvis impersonators got out and sang “Hound Dog,” just say “Nothin’.” That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “Did you and The Six Moms make a lot of sandwiches today?” I asked her.

  “No, we don’t have any customers yet,” Mom told me. “Our company is just getting off the ground.”

  I told her that it will be hard to make sandwiches if her company is floating around in the air.

  We emptied out my backpack, and there was a sheet of paper inside telling the parents all about the Ella Mentry School food drive. So my mom called Ryan’s, Michael’s, and Neil’s moms and arranged for me and my friends to go out collecting food together.