Mad Worlds Collide

by Tony Teora

  Robert went to Yama-san’s apartment on time as instructed. Robert knew to be on time as the Japanese took lateness poorly.

  Yama-san’s apartment complex was on a hill in Hiro-o, an area of Tokyo where many rich foreigners lived. The complex had only four well-to-do families.

  Besides Yama-san’s family there was a German Drug company President named Mr.FlukenFieffer of John&JohnsonBayer (JJB). Mr. FlukenFieffer had lived in America for ten years as a branch president of JJB before coming to Tokyo. He was proud of his command of English but many said his command of business was not so good. The JJB business started to fall soon after Guilianni Labs came out with Barnacle Bill. Even before its official use as a sex drug, Barnacle Bill competed with JJB’s main product, VigraBullÔ. Mr.FlukenFieffer once told reporters that Barnacle Bill needed more testing because of the possible side effects disclosed by the FDA. Mr.FlukenFieffer himself secretly used Barnacle BillÔ.

  Also at GreenHills was the famous John Mach Jr., President of MorganStockmanDeanWickerAmericanExpress Japan—or now shortened to MorExpress Japan. People who bought MorExpress stock during the bubble now called the company "Morgan Stock down the DeanWicker Express."

  Robert’s new apartment was on the second floor with Yama-san. Even though there were only two floors there was an elevator, which Robert naturally used instead of the stairs.

  The elevator doors opened on the second floor at the same time a woman’s voice spoke from inside the elevator, "Welcome to GreenHills Floor two. Please do not forget anything." Robert proceeded to the left, toward apartment 4. On the front of the door was a sign that said "Peace on Earth". Above the sign was the name "Yama" with a kanji character that looked like "山". Robert knew this meant mountain.

  Robert rang the doorbell.

  A tall slender gentleman opened the door. He was wearing a blue polo shirt and brown shorts. He had a suntan. "Mr. Davichi?" the man said. "Yes, that’s me, but please call me Robert." Robert put out his hand and shook Yama-san’s hand.

  Yama-san smiled with pearl white teeth that contrasted with his dark suntan. "Sure Robert -- please come in. It’s nice to meet you. Please call me "Shun", it’s short for Shunnichi, and please take your backpack off and rest." He spoke English with only a slight accent.

  Robert entered into a large bright living room. Plants hung from a glass sunroof; the room reminded Robert of an elegant greenhouse. The second floor was on a small grassy hill, and outside Robert could see a small flower garden filled with red and purple tulips. Through a small opening cut out of a door to the outside came a small brown and black speckled Yorkshire terrier. It ran toward Robert, then started to bark in a mad fit. Robert thought the dog cute, but small, about half the size of a most cats found in Seattle. Robert disliked cats, and they did not prosper at Davichi home: one in the washer, and one the kids had seen Buddy playfully pulling and shaking as though it were a stuffed toy. Upon closer inspection by Susan, it had been discovered to be the neighbors’ cat, dead. Susan had passed out while Robert had buried the cat. From then on Robert had not allowed cats in the Davichi home.

  "Shush my little Yuki-chan, shush." Shun looked at Robert. "Please excuse little Yuki-chan, she does not get many guests. She’s my mother-in-law’s dog and we’re watching her while my mother-in-law is on holiday in Hawaii."

  "Well, she’s cute, " said Robert.

  Shun bent over, looked over his shoulder, then approached Robert’s ear and whispered, "I hate my mother-in-law, and small dogs, but I put up with both because I love my wife."

  Shun smiled.

  Robert interrupted, "I’ve heard nice things about you from our VP, John Giddon."

  John Giddon had stayed at Green Hills but got sent back to the US. John’s wife had left after three months, saying that if he did not join her she was getting divorced. John obliged and Gill fired John one week later stating that John was not a "company man". John Giddon’s wife divorced John shortly afterwards for "reasons of financial incompatibility".

  Shun walked toward a black leather couch and sat down. "Oh, John is being too kind. I know I caused him a little trouble. I have too much time on my hands and used to go drinking with John after work. Please take a seat, and by the way, here is the key for your apartment." Shun handed over a key to Robert.

  A little trouble, thought Robert, the guy got fucking divorced and lost his job—but that was not Shun’s fault, was it?

  Shun let Yuki-chan go, and the dog ran to a water bowel. "Robert, where is your wife?"

  "Oh, we had some trouble with the flight yesterday. She was at the Hotel resting but should be here soon."

  Robert looked at a painting of what appeared to be a traditionally dressed Japanese samurai man and kimono dressed woman screwing, but the act was delicately hidden. "We rented a van service to take all the stuff and our dog Buddy. I came first because the van was packed."

  "Do you like the painting Robert?" asked Shun.

  "Interesting, it has great colors and really catches the eye. It took time to figure out what was really going on."

  "That’s just like Japan, Robert. There’s a whole bunch like this in your fancy American Club, but few foreigners notice the real picture. You have a good eye."

  "I’m not sure about that. These eyes are getting tired from at looking at computer screens."

  "Hey! How ‘bout a beer, mixed drink or maybe you’d like Japanese green tea?"

  "I would love a hot tea."

  Shun raised his voice toward his kitchen. "Akiko, we have guests. Could you please bring us some tea?"

  "Sure honey," answered a woman’s voice from the kitchen.

  "You speak English to your wife?" asked Robert.

  "Sure. We met in San Diego, she is a second generation Japanese, called a "nissei". She’s American.

  "Oh, that’s nice. How does she like Japan?"

  A woman dressed in jeans and a red silk shirt entered the room with a tray of tea. "I like Japan, it’s safer than New York and my father and Shun-chan started a business together. This way if he screws up my Dad will kill him." Akiko smiled at Shun.

  "Pretty American women are like beautiful roses with thorns. You want to touch and smell them, but you need to be careful."

  Robert kept quiet, not knowing what to say. Both Akiko and her husband burst out in laughter. Robert smiled.

  "Relax Robert, we give each other a hard time for fun. I always say you need to laugh as you never know when you will get hit by your wife or by life."

  The small Yorkshire terrier jumped onto Robert’s lap. Robert petted the dog. "I agree. I feel like I got hit by life the on the way over."

  "We heard," said Shun sipping his tea. "Do you think this AD2100 software will actually work for Japan?"

  Robert sipped his tea. He liked the feel of the green hand painted teacup. The tea was warm and slightly bitter but he knew it was packed full of caffeine. The small sweet cake washed down with the tea made the experience tolerable, even enjoyable.

  "I organized the development of the AD2100 software, and it’s the best software our team has ever produced. We have a problem with a sophisticated hacker. Once we get him our problems will be over."

  "Robert-san, what will you do if you get this guy and another hacker gets in?" asked Akiko.

  A doorbell chimed. "It must be Susan," replied Robert. Akiko went to the door and checked the peephole; it was a woman so she opened the door. Before she could introduce herself Buddy ran to Robert. Although attached to a collar and rope held by Susan, he ran with full force toward the couch, pulling Susan off balance and onto the floor. Buddy ran to Robert wagging his tail, jumped onto the couch and started to lick Robert’ s face.

  "Buddy you bad dog, get off the couch!" Robert struggled to push Buddy back onto the floor. "Susan are you OK?" asked Robert pushing Buddy.

  Little Yuki ran to Shun and hid under his arm, barking at Buddy. Buddy ignored Yuki.

  Susan got up with the help of Akiko. "I’m fine, I am so embarrassed." Susan loo
ked at Akiko, "I’m Robert’s wife and I’ll get our dog out of here. I came for the apartment key."

  "No, it’s fine." Shun smiled, got up from the couch and walked over to Susan. "I love big dogs but they can be troublesome, just like life." Shun put out his hand. "My name is Shun, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Please sit and rest for a bit. You must be tired."

  Shun’s calm handshake and voice relaxed Susan. "Thanks, I’m more than tired, the trip was tough." Susan walked over to couch section away from Buddy and Robert.

  "Would you like a mixed drink or some tea?" asked Akiko.

  "I’d love a gin and tonic if you can make one," asked Susan.

  "Sure, said Akiko, walking into the kitchen."

  "Your dog’s name is Buddy?" asked Shun to Susan.

  "Yes, " replied Susan.

  Buddy stopped licking Robert. Robert pushed Buddy onto the floor. "I am sorry Shun, Buddy is kind of an active dog."

  "Buddy is very active," said Susan. "I fed him two sleeping pills at the airport, but he barked all the way to Tokyo."

  Buddy and Yuki sniffed and then licked each other. Shun smiled. "Seems like little Yuki has make a friend." Buddy ran behind the couch and sat on a rug near a hot fireplace. Yuki ran over with a stuffed toy. Next to Buddy she looked like a small Bull Mastiff puppy, her body smaller than Buddy’s head. She barked at Buddy, wanting to play. Buddy obliged and stood up, somewhat groggy, and pulled the toy with Yuki, playfully pulling and growling at the small stuffed mouse in a tug of war.

  "Hey honey, looks like Buddy has found a friend." Robert sheepishly smiled at Susan.

  "Well, it looks like the sleeping pills are finally working -- two hours late."

  "Here’s your drink," said Akiko, coming from the kitchen. Susan accepted the drink and sipped a good third of the glass in one helping.

  "You should not drug dogs like that, it is not good for them. A little love and care and they will be quiet if properly trained," said Shun.

  Susan looked at Shun who seemed extremely calm. "Can you train our dog?"

  "No, but I know a good dog sensei who can help. I will give you his card."

  "Thanks, I will try anything, " said Susan.

  "No, do not try anything. That is like the Japanese politicians trying to fix our economy -- try only what works."

  "So, what’s up with the Japanese economy?" asked Robert.

  "It’s a very simple human problem," continued Shun. In the background little Yuki ran to Akiko, then to the kitchen, then back to Buddy near the fireplace. The small dog stopped under a table to rest, then started the looping procedure again.

  "You have a very busy little dog," noticed Susan.

  Akiko smiled, "Since my father passed away, my Mom said little Yuki has been like a son. I think she likes Yuki more than Shun."

  Shun smiled dryly. "Something about little dogs and Japanese mothers-in-law, they both require patience." Shun winked at Akiko and continued. "Anyhow, to answer your question Robert, the Japanese economic problem is very simple, and could be fixed soon for the average Japanese, but it won’t be. The basic problem is a problem of human nature. You can read in the newspaper that the problem is with the banks and lack of consumer spending, but the rich folks in Japan do not have an economic problem. The problems with the economic fundamentals are simple; Japan’s government spends twice as much as it takes in and borrows from the public. The banks make lots of bad loans but don’t want to foreclose because they loaned to friends like the Japanese Mafia and the politicians."

  A loud thudding sound like a tranquilized bear landing on the grass came from behind the couch near the fireplace. Everyone turned around. Buddy had fallen flat with all four legs spread out, lying comfortably on a rug next to the fireplace, sleeping like a baby and looking somewhat like a bear trophy rug.

  Susan spoke, "I guess the sleeping pills have a delayed reaction."

  Robert grimaced, "I’ll wake him when we leave, our apartment is only across the hall."

  "Please don’t worry, let him rest, " Shun continued, " As I was saying, the banks loaned money to people, and for many reasons they do not want to force payment. It is too embarrassing. The politicians basically put their hands in the public funds and spend money on pet projects. Until the Japanese people get up and fight, they end up with the exact government they deserve, which is a corrupt government. The Japanese Mafia has more honor."

  Robert saw that Susan was getting tired. "Susan, please take the key, I’ll be over with Buddy in five minutes. You look tired honey."

  "I’m sorry, it’s been a long day." Susan stood up, took the key from Robert.

  "I’ll be over soon," said Robert.

  "Let me walk you over and show you how to use the security," said Akiko, "We can let them men talk about politics. Shun could talk for days."

  "Seems like I’m putting everyone to sleep," said Shun.

  "Oh no, I look forward to hearing more," said Robert.

  The ladies exited.

  "So Robert, how about trying some hot Japanese sake? The best sake is served cold but I got a bunch from my mother in law and it tastes better warmed."

  "Sure."

  "Please wait one moment and I’ll make some." Shun went into the kitchen.

  Robert enjoyed the view of the orange sun setting behind bamboo trees. The red bricked fireplace was bigger than most and it kept the room comfortably warm with a smell of pine and another strange odor like something he’d smelled before but couldn’t quite place. He walked over to see what kind of log was burning. As he stopped near the fireplace he could see that the end of Buddy’ tail was singed and partially smoking. Robert quickly grabbed Susan’s drink and then tossed it on the smoking tail, then stepped on it a few times to make sure the smoke stopped. He then dragged the groggy and quite heavy Buddy away from the fireplace.

  From inside the kitchen, Shun spoke, "Robert, would you like a sweet sake or a dry sake?"

  Robert struggled to move the groggy Buddy and yelled back in a muffled tone, "Sweet please." As Robert pushed Buddy into a comfortable looking position he saw a small toy underneath and started to pull it out. As the toy came out Robert’s heart stopped. It was Yuki-Chan, flat and airless.

  Robert’s heart raced. Robert shook the dog, but to no avail. He instinctively blew air into the dog’s mouth, but this only resulted in inflating Yuki like a balloon. For some reason the air would not exit.

  "Robert, do you smell something strange burning? Please check the fireplace, I’ll be out in a second."

  Robert quickly stuffed the small dog, which now looked like a gassed up porcupine, into his backpack next to the couch.

  "Ah -- Buddy just burned part of his tail, everything is fine," stuttered Robert.

  "His tail? Is he OK?" asked Shun.

  "Yes, he’s fine," said Robert.

  "Boy, your dog sleeps like a log." Shun exited the kitchen and looked at Robert’s ashen face. Shun walked over to Buddy and inspected the tail. "No reason to be that worried, he’ll live, just a small singe. Have some sake you’ll feel better."

  Robert nervously drank the sake. It was the best sweet sake he’d ever had.

  "You know Robert, working all the time is no good. Your wife looks stressed and you do too. You should take her out to the park tomorrow. It will be cool, but tomorrow is Sunday after all, and Monday is a Japanese holiday"

  "Good idea Shun " replied Robert. Shit, thought Robert, I’ll have to go in on Monday anyhow to quietly figure out who’s fucking around with the system. If I can get that Buffalo madman things should go well.

  Shun looked at Buddy sleeping and sipped his sake. "That’s a great big dog. I am jealous, I hate little dogs but my wife loves them. I’ll help you carry Buddy to your apartment. By the way, did you see where Yuki-chan went?"

  Robert drank more sake. "No, I was kind of occupied with Buddy."

  "Ah, no big deal, she probably ran outside or went with the women. So what do you think about the deal with HeiwaZuki?"

&nb
sp; Robert disliked the Japanese deal. "Well, I don’t know. Gill met the Emperor last year and I really don’t think they communicated well." Gill screwed the old man to a tough deal, but what can I say?

  "Yeah, the papers had a ball. They said the Emperor was on drugs"

  Newspapers all over the world complained about the deal Gill and Japanese Emperor HeiwaZuki signed. Gill and HeiwaZuki both had one thing in common; they both disliked the US Government. The Emperor wanted to meet Gill because he was so impressed with Gill’s battle with the US government, and hoped to get some inside information. Gill saw the meeting as an opportunity to finish the software deal that the Japanese government had been slowly dragging along. Gill brought a license agreement that circumvented the Japanese Parliament by invoking an old law that allowed the Emperor to directly pass a decree with the force of law. If Parliament refused the decree, the law required their resignations and new general elections. No Emperor since World War II had used this law because none really understood their power or their law. Gill survived by understanding not only his power but also that of other people. Plus he had a shitload of lawyers.

  "Well, if you mean Barnacle Bill, everyone thought that was illegal until last week," said Robert.

  "Not in Japan! Your young American sailor created a frenzy here. There are no laws against drinking Barnacle remover in Japan, especially since the Emperor got hold of it. "