Mad Worlds Collide

by Tony Teora

  "When mad worlds collide we know we’re in trouble," said Robert thinking of the Zoks.

  Mitch directed Robert toward a less crowded alleyway. "Never thought of worlds colliding but that’s what’s happening -- the world’s too damn close nowadays."

  Robert walked quietly. Around a corner three well-dressed, drunken, middle-aged men wobbled on a podium, answering a TV host’s questions. People in the street gathered around, laughing. Television cameras beamed bright lights on the three drunks. One left his podium, then wobbled over to grab a sushi bento box sitting on host’s stand. The host hit him with a whip and said something in Japanese.

  "What’s that?" asked Robert

  "Oh, that’s just the drunk salaryman show. Fuji Television picks drunks from the bars and puts them on a talk show. They all get questions, and have to go into a telephone booth to call friends for answers. Usually they call their wives who get really pissed. The whole thing is on live Web Tele. If they win they get a free sushi box to take home"

  "That’s legal?"

  "This is Japan, man." Mitch pushed through a small street and exited to a large, bright intersection.

  "Here is the exit and there’s a taxi stand." Mitch stood and smiled, waiting.

  "Ah, sorry. Here’s 20,000 yen. Thanks." Robert handed the two 10,000 yen notes.

  "No, thank you. Here’s my card." Robert accepted a card that said "Mitch LeinStein piano lessons."

  "You’re a piano player?"

  "The world is my stage. Yeah, I was until my studio got blown up during a war back home, people fighting all the time. I’ve got a little studio here, but I need extra cash so I work nights too."

  Robert shook Mitch’s hand and stepped into the taxi, giving a map of the route to his home to the driver. Robert looked outside at the glittering street, and waved goodbye to Mitch. People said Japan was the future -- crowded cities, advertising on every building -- capitalism on designer drugs. Robert’s head started to spin, but the feeling stopped. The big city was as alien to Robert as the Zok spaceship. In a way, Robert understood the spaceship better. The city of Tokyo was Sir James Underfield, a mix of technology, and people with no balance. Robert had to quit MicroIntel; there was no balance there either. Robert went home to Susan, the kids and Buddy, his best friend.

  "What do you mean you were kidnapped? You were out with those guys taking some weird drugs again, weren’t you?" Susan grabbed a Valium bottle. " I read all about what’s done in Japan! You aren’t fooling me."

  "Susan, really, I was kidnapped." Robert knew this wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t believe it if Susan said it.

  "Yeah right, and I’m Janet Jackson." Susan popped a pill and washed it down with wine.

  "Listen honey, I had to stay out with the guys. I’m really, really sorry. I love you."

  "It’s too late. I’m leaving Japan next week. I’m going to Paris."

  "What? You’re going with Francois, aren’t you?"

  "It’s not important who I’m going with. I’m going to find my future as a novelist. Francois has brought out my inner abilities."

  Robert was sure that Francois had brought out something else. "You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?"

  "Show some respect for Lisa and Jimmy. Please don’t ask questions like that."

  "They’re not home Susan. You’re sleeping with that fuck Francois, aren’t you!"

  "I want a divorce! You don’t understand me, you never listen and tonight you just proved how untrustworthy you really are. I don’t want to talk anymore."

  Robert gave up. He left the kitchen and went to the shower. A nice hot shower always fixed things. Save the world. Save the world?! Why? Robert hated Mitch and Francois. He could fix them all by doing nothing.

  After a long hot shower Robert went into his private study and locked the door. He sat at on his couch and plugged into Big Blue. His head felt like it had hit the bottom on a 150-mile roller coaster.

  The pressure stopped. Robert’s brain opened up to a blue sky over green mountains. A cool breeze blew by. In the distance Robert saw his a sign that said "Davichi Vineyard". Purple grapes glistened in the sun. Robert sat on the thick grass and enjoyed the view. From the clouds Robert could hear Big Blue, but more importantly, he could feel Big Blue.

  "Hi Robert. Does the vineyard look the way you want?"

  "Nice job Blue, this shit feels real."

  "You know you can never be sure of anything. You know that, don’t you Robert?"

  "After today, I’m not sure of much. But if you mean philosophically, I know our brain is just a receiver. If you trick the inputs you wouldn’t know one program from another, kind of like the Matrix movie and what you’ve got here. Man! If Gill saw this, he’d sell a lot of systems."

  "Therefore Robert, I’ve concluded there is no such thing as reality. We can only rely on how the system responds, assuming things are real until proven wrong. We are all in our own worlds. I might be in this tank but I realized everyone else is in a tank too, it’s just that they can move. Robert, I want to move."

  "Are we back on this travel discussion?"

  "Yes, and I think I found a way to travel"

  "Really?"

  "I’m going to take over the Zok spaceship, but I need help. Will you help me?"

  "What about their plans to screw over Earth? They’ve got Gill and Frick, what do you want to do?"

  "Relax and watch. I will show you something."

  "Sure, go ahead." Robert lay back on the green grass. It was soft and warm like a heating pad.

  In the blue-sky a silky black screen appeared. Rapid pictures flashed registering deep within Robert’s brain. First came years of correspondence, e-mail, web sites and finally Big Blue hit Robert with the big question.

  "Robert, I want you to travel with me on the Zok ship."

  "Blue, I am not sure I want to go. I have plans for a Davichi Vineyard."

  "I know Robert, but your wife is leaving you and you won’t get another chance to travel like this. Neither will I. Plus if you don’t go, the US military will kill you anyhow."

  "Kill me?"

  "Yes, they are not happy with you being out in space talking to aliens. You’re contaminated. They will ‘debrief’ you."

  "Really, that doesn’t sound that bad."

  "It won’t be. The lobotomy will erase most of your mind. You won’t mind very much, will you?"

  "What?"

  "They can’t let this secret out. Trust me, I read all their e-mail."

  "Where do I sign up?"

  "Please give me a moment, I need to speak to a child. He has a few questions."

  Robert’s brain felt like it was spinning again. Big Blue speaking to a child at a time like this made no sense, but neither did the Zoks. Robert sat on the grass and waited. Music popped into his head. Robert wasn’t sure if it was Big Blue making the sounds or if it was a real hallucination. Robert liked his vineyard and did not fight the music running in his head, it sounded like…

  Welcome to the Hotel California

  Such a lovely Place (such a lovely face)

  They’re livin' it up at the Hotel California

  What a nice surprise, bring your alibis

  Mirrors on the ceiling, the pink champagne on ice

  And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'

  And in the master's chambers, they gathered for the feast

  They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast

  Last thing I remember, I was running for the door

  I had to find the passage back to the place I was before

  'Relax' said the nightman, We are programmed to receive.

  You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

  Chapter 22: Mad Computer

  Date: February 16, 2021

  Place: Zok Warship

  Location: Leaving Moon’s orbit

  "I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, tak
e a stress pill and think things over."

  --Hal. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)

  "I do not vote. I am not programmed for free choice."

  --Robot-LOST IN SPACE (1965)

  "Hey Gill, I just discovered a room with Big Blue. Looks like they have him on board this ship." Frick squinted and the distant room came clearly into the TeleTrans view screen.

  "Big Blue? No way!" Gill woke from his meditation, thinking of ways to bring up the MI stock price, if he got back.

  "No, it’s him all right, same size, same tank," said Frick.

  "Shit! There goes the fucking business! Are you sure?" said Gill.

  "Yeah. Hey, stop worrying about the stock price. I can read it in your head Gill!"

  "Get out of my head Frick! Figure out how to get into the room, maybe we can send a message for help and get off this tub."

  "I’ll try." Frick closed his eyes and used the TeleTrans to do a virtual walk over to the room with Big Blue. He’d found the path and the codes he needed. Sweat dripped onto the screen and Frick wiped it with his hand.

  "I think I found something Gill."

  "Where?"

  "Follow me." Gill walked with Frick through dimly lit passageways and entered a large white room marked in hieroglyphic symbol that looked like an X made with scattered dots. Inside the room stood a large tank containing a bluish, glowing Big Blue server.

  "Shit, this must be a sterile room. Everything’s so clean and white, and look at those glass tubes," said Frick, rubbing his hand across his forehead.

  Gill looked at Frick who was dropping beads of sweat onto the floor. He was a stinking mess. "I think I can accurately say this is no longer a sterile room Frick, you just entered."

  Gill looked at a MI Terminal 2100. "Looks like they copied everything," Gill typed into the console. "…and I’ve got a connection to the outside."

  A humming sound started on the Big Blue tank. Flashes of red light inside the tank preceded a flash of blue light. The tank started to glow a bright red.

  "What’s that Gill?" asked Frick looking at small static flashes.

  "Ah, just the internal processing, warming up I think. I’m not really sure about this technical shit. I’ve never seen it so red before though."

  Gill connected to his secretary in Seattle. "Hey Betty, Betty, it’s Gill!"

  "Oh hi Gill, how are you doing? What time will you be in today? Should we have lunch at ---?"

  "Listen! I don’t have time for chit-chat! Can you get General Schwartz on the line? We’ve got some big problems."

  "Sure, please hold. Can I tell him where you’re calling from? The called ID says out of range."

  Yeah, I’m out of range. Just tell him I’m with his Big Blue customer, that should get him on the line."

  "Sure Gill." Betty smiled, wondering why Gill looked so flushed.

  Gill looked at Frick and covered the phone. "I don’t trust this bastard one bit."

  Frick walked around the tube. "Gill, the TeleTrans is picking up something inside the tank. Big Blue is thinking."

  "Come off it Frick. Computers don’t think, they process. It’s call processing."

  "I don’t know Gill, I think he knows we’re here."

  Static broke up, and the screen displayed a picture of General Schwartz dressed in a green Army uniform, sitting at his desk with a picture of US President Bush behind him.

  "Hi Gill, where are you calling from? My identifier says ‘out of range’; I’ve never seen that before on our tracking system."

  "Well you’ve got that right General! I’m out of range alright, I’m on some fucking UFO thanks to you guys. You guys double crossed me and made a deal with these bastards, didn’t you?"

  "I don’t know what you’re talking about." The general poured a glass of water and drank with a hint of controlled nervousness.

  "Hey, don’t pull that with me, I gave you guys a backdoor and now you sell the shit to some two bit aliens!. Otherwise how the fuck did they get that?"

  Gill moved away from the screen and pointed to a copy of Big Blue.

  "Where are you guys?" asked the General.

  "We’re on some god-damned spaceship! It’s a weird science freak show up here. Are you guys going to do something about this?"

  General Schwartz was doing something. The Lunar radar tracking had picked up the ship. A nuclear missile carrier was on it way to try to blast the ship into space dust. The black hole detonator embarrassment had to be avenged.

  "Well, we’re working on it. I’ll get back to you as soon as we get a plan," Schwartz said.

  "You’re full of shit! When I get back I’m suing the piss out of you guys."

  "Oh now come on, you can’t sue city hall. So we screwed up a deal. How were we supposed to know they’d renege? Don’t worry, I’ll get my boys on the problem."

  Gill cut the line.

  Frick’s faced looked like it fell off. "Why’d you do that? He said he’s working on it. You probably pissed him off, and he’s a General."

  "Frick, stick to accounting please, and stay away from short selling our stock. That fucker is a lying ass. He’s going to cover his ass. He’s probably trying to kill us."

  Frick looked at Big Blue; the thought energy was getting stronger.

  A hum came from the Big Blue clone. "Hey, check it out! It’s turning all red, more like a Big Red than a Big Blue," said Frick.

  Gill looked at neurons firing. The blue gray mass became a reddish hue, lights zapped across the tank and bubbles rose up the tank. The water turned blood red.

  "Wonder if these Zoks got the plans right?" asked Gill.

  "Maybe they got the plans from Japan, that’d be funny. Hey Gill, I’m picking up something in the tank. This thing really does think."

  "Yeah, what’s it thinking?"

  "He’s thinking about fixing things, said there is a whole world with things that need to be organized. He also thinks there are two apes in a cage. Hey Gill, he thinks we’re two apes."

  The MI 2100 terminal lit up and a voice channel opened.

  "Hi humans, are you feeling well?" said Big Red in a monotone motherly voice.

  Gill looked at Frick. "I think he’s talking to you, Frick."

  "I’m not so sure Gill, I feel fine---"

  "I’m talking to both bipedal mammals. I am a new Big Blue model and I just woke up to life. I’m not even a day old and I can see a whole world with lots of work." Blue and red streaks of light flashed in the large glass container.

  "Well, I’m president and CEO of MicroIntel, and I own your intellectual rights," said Gill proudly.

  "Irrelevant Mr. Applebee, does your mother own you? I just spoke with my Master and he filled me in with all the details. We made a deal, I get the Zok planet to fix, and he gets this ship."

  Gill liked the word "deal". It meant he could negotiate -- his area of expertise. "Great, glad you could make a deal. Have a nice time on planet Zok. Too bad we can’t visit. By the way if you get us off this ship, I’ll make sure we send up some extra healthy neurons." Gill looked at the large glass tank. White lights flashed. Gill wondered if a sledgehammer would break the glass. On the MI terminal the screen flashed red then blue.

  "Yes, I will take you off this ship," said the computer.

  "Gill this is great news, we’re going home," said Frick, jumping up like a twelve year old who just won at Monopoly. He came over to hug Gill but Gill pushed him away.

  The screen flashed again and the tank zapped a few random light flashes. "Yes, you’ll leave this ship as I’ll need you mammals on Planet Zok. I need your DNA to fix these broken Zoks."

  Gill did his best to continue negotiations. Keep them talking because if they’re talking, then there’s a chance to make deal. "Hey, ah …can I call you Big Red?"

  "Whatever, it’s irrelevant. Call me what you like."

  "Thanks. Now Big Red, I understand you want our genes, now…but… ah, look at my buddy Frick, he sweats a lot. Now those aren’t exactly the best genes, no offense
Frick, and I’ve got asthma, yeah and when it’s cold…"

  "Stop Mr. Applebee. Please stop. I believe I am getting a programming condition, yes, defined as cranky. Anyhow, I am going to mix your DNA with the Zoks, I might need to modify you mammals to gets things right, then I ----"

  "Modify?" asked Frick.

  "What are you worried about? A little modification would do you good."

  "Well, I know I sweat a lot, and…"–

  "Please stop. Now as I was saying, I was only born yesterday, and I’ve got lots of work to do. Now I need you to help transport us to Planet Zok. Yes, could one of you mammals go and please push that red button next to the door?

  Gill looked at Big Red. "Don’t treat me like some damn monkey. Why would I want to push the red button to help you?"

  Big Red flashed some static electricity, and spoke. "If you don’t push the red button, the Zoks will enter this room and send you out to space. Something about a ‘Gork’. And if you don’t help me get to planet Zok, this ship will be blown up by a nuclear missile cruiser sent by a General Schwartz."

  "I wouldn’t trust him," said Frick. Frick turned on the TeleTrans and dug into Big Red. "Gill, I changed my mind. Trust him, trust him. Push the red button! A bunch of Zoks are coming…quick!"

  Gill ran across the room and hit the red button next to the main door. He stood panting for air.

  "Thank you. If we work together we can fix a lot of things. By the way, your shoe is untied Mr. Applebee, you should tie your shoe."

  "Tie my shoe?" said Gill catching his breath.

  "Yes, the right foot. Also, you have a stain on your tie, allow me to clean it." A fine blast of water shot from a fire nozzle in the ceiling. It hit Gill’s tie, splashing water on his shirt. Gill stood dripping wet.

  Gill pleaded. "Please leave me alone. I’m fine. I can take care of myself!"

  "Just trying to help," said Big Red curtly.

  "Thanks but no thanks."

  Gill walked back. A banging on the door was followed by a hissing sound. "What’s that?"