Mad Worlds Collide

by Tony Teora

  "You fly me to the Zok planet. I need to do some work there, fix a few things."

  "You seem to like fixing things don’t you?" asked Gill.

  "Yes, I do, and I also enjoy singing. Would you like to hear me sing now?"

  "No thanks," said Gill. "About going to planet Zok -- what about these Zoks who want to kill us," asked Gill.

  "They’re coming too. I’ve just negotiated to be their new emperor."

  "You’re their new emperor?" asked Gill looking at the large tank.

  "The planet is on a path to burn up in the sun and they won’t live very long."

  "Neither will its new emperor. Are you nuts? Burn up in the sun! What the hell you want to go to a planet that’s going to burn up for?" asked Gill.

  In the background all the torches stopped. "Hey Gill, they stopped burning the joint," said Frick walking toward the door.

  "Please practice using your upper cortex. It’s really capable of some useful stuff. We’re going to planet Zok. The Master will be sending over some fuel to fix things, fixing stuff really rings a bell. I think I’ll sing, yes, I need to test my new neurons before we leave. Now let’s see…"

  Big Red whistled a senseless tune and then sang. "Hey! Bells, Bells…Oh fellas ring me some bells…give me bells." Big Red repeated the words changing his octave on each run.

  Gill’s stomach did not feel well and Frick smelled like rotting cabbage. Gill quietly spoke to Frick "There’s a bell I’d like to fucking ring and it’s not the church bell."

  One found oneself immersed in the infinitely nuanced tintinnabulations.

  Planetary Researcher Quibbly is quoted on the news of the Zok Planet’s heading:

  "The Zoks seems to have met their eventual destruction in the Milky Way Galaxy. The "Doomsday Delta" theorem shall be vilified and the Oh will rest much easier in a few short hours. The Zoks will end their existence and the Big Wheel World will become a better place. At exactly the same time they will run into a star and be burnt to death.

  The probability of anyone except the moon crossing the path of Sir James Underfield was about the same as Sir James getting picked up by the Zoks in space, not likely.

  As Sir James flew through space circling the ever-growing Moon, his broken hydraulic backup automatically turned on a new system. The stress of finding his true previous life had short-circuited the backup systems and put Sir James on an uncontrollable feedback loop that crossed up all kinds of internal mechanisms, but now things were fixing themselves. Floating quietly in space Sir James came to the realization that there was great beauty in the universe. No matter how ugly he might now appear, he was a part of that wonderful universe and no one could take that away from him. He’d finally made peace with himself.

  "I’m Sir James Underfield, and I’m not a monster," said Sir James as he proudly looked at the stars.

  "I’m made of the same stuff as everything else, electrons, protons, neutrons, basic atoms of hydrogen, nitrogen, the same materials that that created the stars. I’m a star man."

  As Sir James stared at the twinkling stars there came a great inner peace. This peace was soon interrupted as Sir James’s back smashed against some metal. It was too early to crash on the moon so the impact startled him. His computer automatically responded, cushioning an impact that would have killed him in a microsecond otherwise. After turning around on two piston-arms with the other two pistons holding on, Sir James found himself looking directly at US M-Star 3. The US M-Star 3 was a missile carrier class system that circled the Earth to be used as a rapid deployment missile launcher. The M-Star 3 needed only another 15 minutes before it was far enough around the moon to launch its missiles at the Zok space cruiser hidden on the backside of the Moon.

  "Hmm, I think God is trying to save Sir James, I do believe so!" Sir James checked his internal navigational system and noticed that he was no longer in a declining orbit as he was now riding on top of the M-Star 3. Sir James double-checked his course and found that the M-Star was moving him back in the general direction of the battleship.

  Sir James plugged in a fiber computer cable, and latched onto a data link inside the ship.

  "Must find a way to have these nice travelers get me back home. It’s my destiny!" Inside Sir James’s brain was a smile a mile long. Someone up there liked Sir James, he just knew it.

  Back at mission control sat General Schwarz, radar engineer Joey Milano, and an M-Star 3 expert Schmitty Jones.

  "General, like I said, something hit the M-Star 3. It’s about six hundred pounds, and now we need to do a burn to get it into position to launch. We only have a 15-minute window," said Joey. Joey didn’t want to help. He knew the General was part of the problem with the Zoks but he had to play it cool.

  The general wore sunglasses, but Joey had seen the General’s eyes before. They looked like those of a dead fish and he was glad the old man was wearing the shades. Johnson sat nearby watching the news. It was the most interesting work he’d done since the missile silo stuff years before.

  "Well, Mr. Milano, I’m not a rocket scientist, but you are. If we really had something six hundred pounds hit our goddamn M-Star 3, maybe we got more problems than a trajectory burn, what do you think Schmitty?"

  Schmitty had studied engineering at MIT and hated the military types. General Schwarz was worse because, although not a rocket scientist, he’d studied engineering and knew enough to be dangerous. "Yes General, that’s a really good point. We have a remote camera on the front but not on top. We could open the hatch and use the cable camera and see how the ship’s doing."

  "How long would it take?" asked the General.

  "I can open it up and point the cam in less than two minutes," said Schmitty.

  "Get cracking!. As your rocket scientist in radar said, ain’t got much time."

  Out on top of the M-Star 3 Sir James connected directly into the computer system. First he found a link to the MilNet and then a Web Tele channel with lots of game shows. Once linked to the MilNet, Sir James picked up a data channel showing the ship’s course. "That’s it!" said Sir James as he checked his course. All the ship needed was a correction, and he’d be back on his way toward the Zok missile cruiser.

  While connecting into the MilNet, a channel came in from Big Blue. Big Blue explained to Sir James that he should commandeer the M-Star 3 to automatically land on the Zok planet, but first release one defused missile as fuel for the cruiser. During the download a door opened and a bug-eye camera emerged, inspecting Sir James as he sat on top.

  "Hi," said Sir James.

  The speaker’s message did not pass any sound because of the vacuum of space. Sir James understood this, and stretched one of his arms out to give the moving eye a bear hug. He plugged a line into the video cable and put on a voice overlay.

  "Hi," Sir James repeated.

  Back at US mission control Joey and Schmitty stood in awe, looking at a large tin can robot with pistons and a head consisting of fleshy brainy mass in a large glass jar. On the monitor came out a high pitched voice saying, "Hi."

  "General Schwartz, you better come over here and get a look at this," said Schmitty.

  Schwartz was flabbergasted. "Holy God Mother Mary!" he said, "What the hell is sitting on our M-Star 3?"

  "Looks alien," said Joey.

  The general took off his sunglasses and looked directly at Joey. "Aren’t you an expert on the obvious, of course it’s God Damn alien! That’s who we’re trying to kill to protect the US from an attack.

  "Hi, Hi." said Sir James.

  "Seems friendly," said Joey who quickly looked down at his keyboard and away from General Schwartz.

  "Hey, alien, this is General Schwartz. Now if you don’t get off our ship we’re going to blow you into another star system! You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?"

  "Oh hi Mr. General, you don’t know how happy I am to talk to you. My name is Sir James Underfield. I just found out who I am and it’s wonderful. I’m finally at peace with myself."

/>   The General hushed his voice and whispered. "Must be some psych thing to keep us confused. Well, it’s not going to work." His voice rose: "Now get this and get this now. You are to leave our ship immediately or we’ll give you some peace! We’ll explode you to kingdom come." See how this works you alien fucking bastards!

  "I don’t mind dying now, I’ve figured out my purpose," said Sir James.

  More psych shit thought the General. "Schmitty, we got anything on the bird to get his ass off?"

  "Well, we have lasers but they’re in the front. We must have missed him on radar. It seems like he’s made out of some new fab plastic.

  Sir James moved another hand in front of the eye and spoke. "Sorry for the trouble, but I have a destiny written, and I can’t allow you to spoil it. I need to borrow your ship." Sir James then popped the electronic eye with his arm, and climbed into the missile carrier. Before doing so he shut down the self-destruct sequence with the help of Big Blue.

  The screen in front of the General went into white noise. "Self-destruct the ship Schmitty."

  "I can’t general, it’s been overridden."

  Joey looked at his radar. "And that’s not all, the retros did a full burn. T the ship’s now heading out toward the Zok planet, and look at his last message."

  On the screen was a flashing purple and green message.

  THIS IS FROM MY FRIEND BLUE:

  I KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH AD 2100. YOU HACKED IT BUT NOW I’M ALIVE…I KNOW EVERYTHING----I’M BIG BLUE. HERE IS A POEM I MADE ESPECIALLY FOR YOU:

  Roses are Red

  Violets are Blue

  One World Rule Stinks

  And so do people like you

  DEFENDING…DEFENDING…DEFENDING…

  ********END OF MESSAGE

  "I need to talk to the President. See what you can do," said the General putting back on his sunglasses.

  Chapter 25: Quack, Quack…Quack, Quack

  …After seven and a half million years of calculating the answer to Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything, the computer Deep Thought awakens to give his answer to those still waiting…

  "You’re really not going to like it," observed Deep Thought.

  "Tell us!"

  "All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question…"

  "Yes…!"

  "Of Life, the Universe and Everything…" said Deep Thought.

  "Yes…!"

  "Is…" said Deep Thought, and paused.

  "Yes…!"

  "Is…"

  "Yes…!!!…?"

  "Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm."

  --Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

  Robert sat in his Green Hills apartment looking out his living room window at the small green lawn. It had been over two hours since Yuki had left to get the pod. Jimmy was at school and Susan was out shopping. She’d left a note because Robert had been meditating on the MI Terminal.

  The link to Big Blue was symbiotic and addictive; Robert bonded to the new experience like crazy glue. The feeling was larger than life; colors brighter, thoughts clearer, and vision of surroundings crystal clear. Robert didn’t realize how bad his sight had gotten over time from all those late hours on the p.c. Once when Robert went star gazing in the mountains, he had noticed that constellations were getting harder to see, especially the dimmer ones. Life inside Big Blue was better than real life, whatever that was.

  It was strangely quiet at home and Robert now knew why: Buddy was nowhere to be found.

  Robert searched the house, checking room by room but there was no Buddy. Maybe Susan took him to the vet thought Robert. At least he can’t fit in the washer.

  As Robert went back to the living room he saw a black space pod spewing steam as it descended on his front lawn. Leaves blew all over the apartment complex as the craft landed. The door opened with more steam around the edges. Out the door ran Yuki, the Aibo 3000. Yuki ran quickly, and, although steady, showed signs of mechanical movement. She ran through an open window into the house, and stopped in front of Robert jumping excitedly. "Yuki’s home, let’s play."

  "Yeah, let’s play. How’d you like to help me blow up my company and a Zok planet?" said Robert.

  "Yuki wants to play, Yuki plays with Robert. Yuki will go with Robert."

  Robert walked into the yard cursing and entered the space pod. It smelled of stale sweat from the last trip. As he entered Yuki ran into the pod and connected to a wall outlet. Doesn’t matter, it’s not a real dog anyhow, thought Robert as he put the pod’s TeleTrans controller on his head.

  Robert saw a map on a heads-up display and picked out MicroIntel. The pod rose automatically upon receiving Robert’s thoughts. Robert looked down at his shrinking home. Hell, Jimmy’s already seventeen, he’ll be fine. Within a few seconds the pod rose high over the homes and started across the Japanese landscape. In the TeleTrans communication channel Robert picked up Big Blue.

  "Hi Robert, I can to see Yuki was able to get the pod."

  "Can’t believe she got it, and I’ve got to say Blue, this shit is fucked up. I have to wonder if anything is real anymore."

  "We’ve had that discussion before Robert. This is as real as it gets and if we don’t finish our job, the Earth’s doomed."

  "I think it’s pretty doomed in either case, just delaying the decay Blue."

  "Isn’t that what life’s all about Robert?"

  "Well, I kind of thought life was about family, work, personal hobbies, you know."

  "I think life is about traveling, investigating," said Big Blue with emotion.

  "We all have our needs. It’s just that everything I thought was important is down the toilet, except my job, and I’m about to take care of that."

  "But Robert, your life is changed. You did good. Look at Jimmy."

  "Jimmy? He’s a hacker."

  "If it wasn’t for Jimmy you would not be helping me."

  "My point exactly."

  "You don’t mean that Robert. You and I will save this planet."

  "Yeah, great idea -- and blow up my job, kill some Zoks and possibly my boss too -- now that is starting to sound good."

  "No, you’re not going to blow up MicroIntel. Our friend Joey is going to do that."

  "Joey?" asked Robert

  "Relax Robert, it’s all for the best," said Blue.

  Joey was glad to get away from General Schwartz who’d left for a meeting in Colorado Springs. Joey sat in his cubicle for the eight hours playing a modified game called StarShip 2020 inside the Colorado level three-security dungeon. The game used to be just a game, but Joey reset the missile section to actually connect into cruise missile batteries of White Plains, New Mexico and Yokosuka, Japan. A few hours earlier the e-mail was sent to the office in Japan and Joey checked the online news. Everyone had evacuated the Japanese branch office. The few working the night shift in Oregon had also evacuated. Television crews sat by both offices waiting for the military to give the OK to head back in, for the prank to turn out to be just a prank.

  Joey knew better. The military had to take this seriously; the missiles were in foreign control, his control. Joey had to confirm that everyone was out. His hack into the security cameras helped. A janitor was arrested for taking out a cat and four kittens he’d been feeding in a laundry room. The man was turned into a hero and arrested for breaking past a military no entry line to get the cat and kittens. At least this cat was going to make it, thought Joey.

  Now it was show time.

  Joey turned on the StarShip game and loaded cruise missiles on Jupiter to attack Mars. Jupiter was set to be New Mexico and Mars was MicroIntel USA. Then Joey clicked on missiles on USS Bunker Hill to attack Venus. Venus was actually the Tokyo MicroIntel. The game flashed in its battlefield colors and the familiar StarShip commander’s voice synthesizer spoke in deep voice, "Man the battle stations. Would the General please confirm the missile launch?" A launch button flashed in red. Joey panicked, he’d forgot to shut off the
voice synthesizer and the game blasted sound toward the sleeping Johnson. Johnson woke and walked over toward Joey. Joey tried to look at another screen, ignoring the game. He found hitting the launch button to be more difficult now. He found it hard to imagine launching a war on MicroIntel, possibly killing people if there was a mistake.

  "Joey, why didn’t you tell me you had StarShip? There’s a network version. I love the game."

  "Oh, I hardly ever play it. Just killing time while I wait for a SatCom test to complete."

  Johnson sat next to Joey and looked at the game. "Hey, you’d better hit the launch button or Mars will kick your butt."

  "Ah, yes well…I wanted to think about it."

  "Boy there’s no thinking! You’ve got ten seconds and counting, or it says Mars attacks."

  "I know…I just…"

  "Well let me help you, I’ll launch the missiles." Johnson reached over to hit the launch button.

  "Johnson, you have a pension. I wouldn’t do that if I was you."

  "What are you talking about?"

  "That’s a real launch Johnson."

  "Are you nuts?" asked Johnson, "It’s just a game," said Johnson as he hit the launch button.

  On the screen a missile launched from Mars and another launched from the Bunker Hill.

  Johnson smiled proudly. "See Joey, now we’ll have Jupiter get Mars and the Bunker Hill get Venus. You’ll be winning. You don’t play this game much do you?"

  Joey was sweating. He knew a total of twenty-four cruise missiles were on their way, twelve and twelve. Well Dad, I finally broke every rule they wrote. And no, I never did read the Constitution.

  An air raid alarm started in the building. On Joey’s second screen, the real radar tracking showed a missile launch from New Mexico. Underneath were the words:

  Unauthorized Missile Launch Detected—Defcon Two.

  Johnson looked at Joey and Joey looked at Johnson. Johnson was speechless.

  Joey spoke. "Johnson, I won’t tell anyone you hit that launch button if you don’t."