So he stared at her baby through a pane of glass, feeling his heart contract with wishes he hadn’t dared contemplate for a long time.
“Gabe?”
He spun at the sound of her voice, his traitorous heart leaping at the sight of her before he could issue it the warning to back off.
“Carly. I got off work and thought I’d peek in at the new arrival.” There. He’d done it, his voice even and steady even as his pulse galloped along. She was so beautiful, even without makeup. She had on a pair of yoga pants and a zippered blue hoodie that somehow picked up the color of her eyes. Her hair was wet, the blonde strands darkened with moisture from her shower. He could smell the flowery scent of her shampoo as she drew nearer. Worse than that, his gut twisted at the ugly bruise on the side of her face, riding the crest of her cheekbone. He reminded himself that Carly was off-limits. He was so thankful he’d been there for her on Friday, but it really changed nothing. It didn’t make up for past mistakes.
“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” Carly joined Gabe at the window, hoping her voice sounded normal and not as breathless as she felt standing shoulder to shoulder with him. “They brought Nathan back to the nursery while I had a shower, but I think I’ll take him back to my room now. I like having him beside me. I could stare at him forever.”
She didn’t want to let Nathan out of her sight, and having him with her took away the loneliness that seemed to stand on the sidelines, waiting for the first opportunity to sneak into her heart. How many times had she rubbed her belly, talking to the baby to take away the silence in the evenings? He had been her company for the last long months.
But there was more to it now. She told herself it was just mother’s instinct to have her baby near, but there was a lingering voice telling her she was overreacting, not only about Friday’s accident but to the fact that she was all alone. No baby had ever been wanted as much as Nathan, but Carly was smart enough to know it wasn’t up to an infant to solve her problems.
It wasn’t up to Gabe either, and she shouldn’t be feeling this glad to see him. And yet she’d thought about him often over the last few days, wondering why he’d left her room so quickly the night of the accident. What had she said that was wrong? Why hadn’t he come back to see her? She’d had plenty of visitors, but she had really wanted Gabe. To truly thank him now that the dust had settled. For some reason, he’d stayed away. After all this time, couldn’t they be friends again?
“He’s gorgeous, that’s for sure,” Gabe replied. “How are you feeling? That’s a nasty bruise.”
“I’m okay.” She touched the spot gingerly, wishing the ugly purple bruise would go away. She felt so much better since her shower but she didn’t have a speck of makeup on. It was a good thing he couldn’t see her shoulder. The bruise there was large and tender and she was still having trouble holding Nathan on her left side when he nursed. Sometimes her whole body ached, and because she was nursing she was trying to refrain from any pain medication.
“I’m glad you’re here, Gabe. Everything was so mixed up the other night. First the accident and then Nathan coming…they only gave me a single dose of morphine but at the end things seemed pretty fuzzy.”
Gabe’s face changed, erasing the smile from his lips and the warmth in his eyes cooled. Oh goodness, that hadn’t come out right. She didn’t mean she’d forgotten the kiss. She certainly remembered that with fantastic clarity. And yet she couldn’t actually say that, could she? Not without revealing how she truly felt about it while he clearly didn’t feel the same way. She fumbled for the right words.
“I just mean…I couldn’t thank you properly. For helping me at the scene and riding in the ambulance with me. If I’d been alone…”
If she’d been alone she could have gone into labor. The fact that the other driver had sped off still amazed her. They’d left her there without even checking to see if she was all right. What kind of person did that?
“It might have been a very different outcome,” she said quietly. “By the way, Constable Givens was by. They have the driver of the car who hit me. Again, thanks to you it seems.”
Gabe shrugged. “I got a partial plate.”
“Which they matched to a description you gave and found the car. And the driver. She said the driver copped to it after two questions.”
“I heard. Just a kid, barely twenty,” Gabe replied. “Probably scared to death at the time. But if I hadn’t been there, maybe he would have stopped. Maybe he’d have done the right thing and called 911. Really, it was no big deal.”
She tried to keep her mouth from dropping open. She also held in the question that shot through her brain. Did he see himself like the kid in the car? Because Gabe had done the right thing, hadn’t he? He’d called 911 when there was no one else to help Brandon, when everyone else had fled the scene rather than get into trouble. The doctors had told them later that Gabe had done CPR until the ambulance arrived. Then, like now, Gabe had brushed off his involvement.
“It’s a big deal to me. I don’t know why you’re so determined to brush it off.”
“I just came to see Nathan and check in on how you’re doing. I should probably go now.”
Carly paused, wanting to say more but not knowing exactly what or how. The plain fact was she was a single mom two days post-partum whose personal life was a mess. She was incapable of flirting and what man in his right mind would be interested in her right now anyway? But she and Gabe went way back. And he’d kissed her. Maybe she’d had some morphine but it hadn’t felt like a brotherly sort of kiss. Not on the lips. Not like that. He’d been warm and caring and she’d felt so close to him, only to have him go 180 degrees in the other direction now. Why?
“Did I do something wrong, Gabe?”
He turned to her and she was gratified to see his brows pull together. At least it was some sort of reaction.
“Of course not.”
“Then why…” She swallowed against a lump in her throat. When she’d been hurt and afraid, he’d called her darlin’. His voice had been soft, intimate—like the Gabe she remembered. He’d always been laughing as a teenager and she’d fussed with her hair and put on makeup trying to get his attention. Even though parts of Friday night were kind of hazy, at times he’d seemed like the old Gabe again.
But since Brandon had moved, Gabe had distanced himself from the family. She understood Brandon’s anger, but she’d felt betrayed at Gabe’s sudden absence. It was her own stupid fault to hope that after Friday perhaps whatever barrier had gone up between him and her family was gone. It wasn’t, and she didn’t know how to fix it, or if it could even be fixed.
“Do you want to know his full name?” she asked quietly, letting him off the hook.
Gabe was studying her, and for an irrational moment she wished she could simply walk into the circle of his arms and feel safe and protected. And perhaps if he’d shown her any encouragement at all, she would have. But he crossed his arms and his lips formed a thin line. “What about his full name?”
“I named him after you,” she whispered. “Nathan Gabriel Douglas.”
“You shouldn’t have done that,” Gabe replied coldly, turning back to look through the window.
Carly felt as though she’d been slapped. It had been a way for her to say thanks. To pay tribute to a friend who’d made such a difference. And he was throwing it back at her. All the joy and pride she’d felt in giving her son a part of his name withered away.
“I thought you’d be pleased. Why are you so cold all of a sudden? That’s not the Gabe I remember.”
His jaw tightened. “I’m not sure the Gabe you think you remember ever existed, Carly.”
“Bull. He existed Friday night.” She met his gaze bravely. “When you called me darlin’. When you stayed with me. What I don’t understand is why he disappeared again. Why you are suddenly treating me like I did something wrong? Did I?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not you, it’s me.”
She was getting fru
strated with the conversation and Gabe’s standoffish attitude. Now he was employing the oldest breakup line in the book to explain his behavior? “What’s that supposed to mean? What’s you? Because if this is about that…” she nearly stumbled over the next word but forged on, “…that kiss, then forget about it.”
“Have you?” He still didn’t look at her but stared at the babies lined up in their bassinets in the nursery. “Forgotten about it, I mean.”
She didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t. In the long hours in her hospital bed, it was all she had thought about. And to explain it was so complicated. It was tied up in how she’d cared for him when she was a girl, tangled together with her failed marriage, her current feelings and understanding she was in a vulnerable place emotionally. It all made her sound so needy, she realized with a shudder. She wasn’t needy. She was a strong, independent woman. She was a mother and a teacher.
And yet the kiss remained. Of course she hadn’t forgotten it. Next to holding her healthy baby, it had been the best thing to happen to her in months.
“That’s what I thought,” he said drily. “Look, we’re not teenagers with a crush any longer. You’re stuck at the prom and I’ve moved on.”
That stung. Of course he must have known she had feelings for him back then. She’d been seventeen and he’d been older, cuter and the university’s hot new star football player. But to say she was stuck at the prom—the one time she’d come close to having Gabe to herself—was a deliberate cut, and unlike the considerate boy she remembered.
Which was fine. She wasn’t a little lovesick girl any longer. She might have put Gabe Brenner on a pedestal for a lot of years, but she wasn’t the kind of woman who settled for crumbs anymore. She’d made that mistake and had paid for it. She deserved better. So did Nathan.
“Thank you for your assistance, Gabriel.” She knew she sounded curt, but what did he expect? She’d expressed her thanks and had gotten the cold shoulder as a result. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend some time with my son.”
She swept into the nursery, forcing a bright smile at the nurse. She refused to turn around to see if he was gone. A few minutes later when she wheeled Nathan out of the room, the window was empty.
It was just as well, she supposed. After tomorrow she’d be discharged and it would just be her and Nathan. A sliver of anxiety cramped her heart. As difficult as the last few days had been, she suddenly realized it was only the beginning. For as much as Nathan was her whole world, she was also his. Knowing it made Carly feel utterly and completely alone.
Chapter Four
Being a mother was easily the hardest job Carly had ever done.
For the first week she was home, Carly’s mother took time off work and spent most of the day helping with chores around the house, watching Nathan while Carly grabbed a quick nap between feedings. When Carly would have grabbed a peanut butter sandwich, her mother made simple but balanced meals. Carly was still moving slowly thanks to her bruising and her mother’s presence was a godsend.
But after the first week Grandma Cindy was back to work and daily visits became daily check-ins. Two things became crystal clear to Carly. One, she was happy to be home with Nathan, but the lack of adult conversation was driving her crazy. And two, a house and yard added to springtime and a new baby meant she couldn’t possibly keep up. She was exhausted.
Her front lawn was sprouting a bumper crop of dandelions, her perennial bed was half-choked with weeds, and her attempts to rectify the situation during the following week were a disaster. If Nathan was napping, the lawn mower woke him. If he was awake, the noise frightened him and Carly didn’t like leaving him alone, even if it was buckled in his seat on the porch where she could see him every minute. She gave up on the grass and thought weeding might be a better option.
She tried putting Nathan in his stroller to enjoy the fresh air while she worked, talking along silly nonsense to him, thinking the sound of her voice would help keep him content. She’d only cleared around the hostas and golden forsythia when it had begun to rain, putting an end to her efforts.
She’d always taken such pride in her yard at the house she’d shared with Jason. Even though this was her first spring back in Wolfville, she wanted this place to be even more beautiful, full of colorful flowers and neatly trimmed grass. She’d spent time this past winter envisioning butterflies drawn to the blooms and songbirds to the feeders. Seeing the ragged-around-the-edges look to it each day simply reminded her of how she wasn’t really coping so well with single parenthood.
What she needed was to get out of her funk. When the next morning dawned fresh and clear, she decided to get out and replenish the pantry. The sun was shining and the scent of spring blooms clung to the air as she loaded her full bags in the trunk of her newly repaired car. Driving for the first time since the accident had been harrowing, and she’d had to force herself to do it. Now she was relaxing a little more each time she went out. Nathan had gotten lots of attention at the grocery store and Carly had stopped on the way home, treating herself to lunch at a local café.
The ebullient feeling fled when she arrived at her house, however. Gabe’s truck was in the driveway, a utility trailer attached to the hitch and a set of ramps leading to the pavement. And there he was, riding around her lawn, a swath of neat grass trimmings following in his wake. She felt an initial relief and gratitude that he was here followed by annoyance that he’d taken it upon himself to trim up her yard without so much as a call first. Maybe she was having trouble managing it all, but after their last encounter she didn’t want Gabe picking up the slack. She wasn’t anyone’s charity case. If that was pride, so be it.
She tried to ignore the mower going round and round as she took Nathan, still in his car seat, into the house. She dashed back out to get the grocery bags, but by the time she returned inside Nathan was tuning up, vocally complaining as the noise of the tractor filtered in. Carly sighed and put the bags on the kitchen counter. Nathan had stayed awake through most of the outing and now he was hungry and tired.
The groceries would have to wait, she realized, as the thin cries grew more demanding and her nerves began to fray. And so would confronting Gabe. She settled into her rocker with a sigh and began to feed the baby, closing her eyes and willing herself to relax. All the while the drone of the mower provided background noise and Carly was torn between feeling grateful for Gabe’s efforts and wishing he would go away. She thought of him too often as it was and wished she didn’t. Their last encounter had made everything clear. He’d helped her and that was that.
Which did nothing to explain why on earth he was here now.
Nathan wasn’t done feeding when the mower stopped and Carly’s head snapped up. Surely Gabe wouldn’t come in. He’d load the mower onto the trailer first. She looked down at Nathan’s downy head. His eyes were closed but he was definitely not finished, one hand pressed against the skin of her breast as if holding it in place, making sure it wouldn’t disappear. A soft smile touched her lips as a knock sounded at the screen door. Nathan’s eyes flew open and his hand flinched in a startle reflex. But he was determined, and never moved when the knock sounded again.
“Carly?”
She felt heat rise to her cheeks at the sound of Gabe’s voice. She didn’t want him to see her nursing. It was too…personal. Too awkward. She didn’t know how to answer him and he said her name again. This time she heard the hinges on the door creak and she reached for the flannel receiving blanket, clumsily draping it over Nathan’s head and her partially naked breast.
The tiny foyer was just off the living room and as soon as Gabe entered he realized where Carly was and what she was doing—it was written in the blank, awkward expression on his face. She felt heat flare again as she met his gaze. She shouldn’t be embarrassed. It was her house, her baby…and Gabe had walked into it.
But it was more than that. It was because despite all arguments to the contrary, there was something between them. Whether it was past fee
lings or recent words, there was something tethering them together and they’d be stupid to deny it.
“I’m sorry,” Gabe murmured, and turned to go back out the way he’d come.
Nathan picked that moment to completely fall asleep. “It’s okay, Gabe. We’re done. Just give me a moment to…”
Why was she so flustered? She struggled to keep the blanket in place as she tried to re-clip her nursing bra. People fed their babies every day. It was the most natural thing in the world. But it was different because it was Gabe, not some stranger. It was different because she cared what he thought. And even though he’d walked in at an inopportune moment, she did want to talk to him. To find out what he was doing here. “Just let me put things back into place, okay?”
Gabe’s face flushed and he looked like he didn’t know whether to go out or stay in. In the midst of his indecision the square of fabric covering Nathan drooped, revealing the full curve of Carly’s breast as she tried to fasten her bra.
Heat rushed into her face as she grabbed at the receiving blanket. She saw Gabe swallow and avert his eyes. She was absolutely mortified and she bowed her head, struggling to regain her composure as she buttoned the top three buttons on her blouse. This afternoon she’d been feeling somewhat human again, going shopping and picking up lunch like she would have before Nathan was born. Like she was getting back into the swing of things. And then Gabe had arrived, making her jittery and self-conscious with his chocolate eyes and, well, by just being Gabe.
“There,” she whispered, flashing him an uncertain smile. She got up from the chair, moving gingerly in deference to both the lingering stiffness she felt and to keep Nathan from waking. “Let me put him down in his crib and I’ll be right back.”
As Carly made her way back to the living room, she passed the hall mirror and noticed the dark circles beneath her eyes. There was a small spot on her blouse where she’d dropped a tiny piece of chicken salad, and her “deliberately messy” ponytail now just looked messy. She bit her lip, wishing she had time to change, freshen up. But Gabe had seen her in worse shape, hadn’t he?
Off The Clock: First Responders, Book 1 Page 3
