So she settled for straightening her blouse and tucking a few stray strands of hair behind her ears as she went back to find him.
Gabe had taken off his grassy sneakers and left them on the mat. He hadn’t come in any farther than the entry; Nathan’s car seat sat on the floor in the way, flanked by the diaper bag. Carly paused, unsure of what to do or say. What did Gabe want? The grocery bags were still piled on the kitchen counter. A laundry basket waited at the base of the stairs, filled with unfolded towels. There were still things to do and Carly couldn’t help thinking that if she could get them done quickly, she might be able to catch a few minutes sleep while Nathan napped.
Sleep was a precious commodity, but knowing Gabe waited for her made her heart beat a little bit faster. So much for being over him then. And even though she was grateful that her grass was neatly cut, she was a little bit angry that he’d presumed to do her yard work without even asking. If she wanted help she’d darn well ask for it. Or she could hire a teenager to help her out. Yes, she should have thought of it before. There were always kids on her road looking for extra summer cash. The last thing she wanted was Gabe thinking she expected him to pick up the slack.
“You look tired.”
Her hand paused beside her ear and she wished now that she’d taken the time to splash some cold water on her face or something.
“Gee, thanks.”
He had the grace to look chagrined. “Aw hell, Carly, I’m an idiot. That wasn’t smooth, was it?” He smiled, looking so contrite it was difficult to stay irritated though she tried very hard to be. “I’ve clearly lost my mojo. Maybe I should have said, you look great, but a little tired?”
She felt herself softening. “No, you’re right,” she confessed. “I’m quickly discovering that with a newborn you don’t stay neat and tidy for long.” She smiled back at him. “But he’s worth it. Funny how a tiny baby can change your life so much.”
“He’s beautiful, Carly. Really something.”
“That,” she said smugly, “might go a little way towards getting your mojo back. The sure way to a mother’s heart is to flatter her baby.”
For a few seconds their eyes met, and Carly wondered if he was actually interested in working his mojo or if he was just teasing. She wondered which she wanted too. After one simple kiss it seemed like everything they said came with built-in innuendo.
Gabe looked completely unconcerned though. “How are you making out?” he asked. “Is he sleeping? Are you sleeping?”
She shrugged. “I’m up a few times in the night. During the day though, it’s a challenge to stay on top of things.” His gaze met hers and she felt the jolt clear to her toes. It seemed some things didn’t change after all. Not after several years and not after the intense atmosphere of the night of her accident. Not even after giving birth to a baby and feeling distinctly un-sexual most of the time. Gabe had a way of flustering her and making her feel all sorts of things she hadn’t felt in a very long time.
Maybe lack of sleep had her making more of Gabe’s favor than she should. Perhaps there wasn’t any motive at all. Either way, she owed him her gratitude and not attitude.
“Thank you for cutting the grass.” Oh brother, was that a breathless note in her voice? She cleared her throat, determined that Gabe not see what an effect he had on her. She wasn’t sixteen anymore, so why did she feel that way when he was around? “I should have done it days ago, but Nathan hates the sound of the mower.”
“It was no trouble.”
And still they were standing like statues in the living room and foyer. “Do you want a cup of coffee?” she offered. “I can put the kettle on.”
He looked for a minute like he might refuse, but then he smiled. “Sure, that’d be nice.”
He followed her into the kitchen and she was constantly aware of him watching her movements as she filled the kettle and plugged it in. “I hope you don’t mind instant,” she said, opening a cupboard. “I’ve been off caffeine for a while, so instant’s all I’ve got. Unless you’d prefer herbal tea.”
She sent him a teasing look, trying to picture big, manly Gabe drinking something named Peach Passion. He smiled back. This was the Gabe she remembered. Always a half-smile and a hint of something else—like they were sharing a secret. Problem was, this was also the Gabe who had the power to reach inside her and rekindle dreams that were best left in the past.
“Instant’s fine,” he replied.
She moved around the kitchen, putting groceries away while the water heated. Gabe perched on a stool, resting his elbows on the counter. What should she say? Though he hadn’t said it, she got the sneaky feeling that he was here for some larger purpose, though she couldn’t imagine what. Her feelings were more than they should be. They always had been. She needed him to draw the line in the sand. Telling herself that she should stop thinking about him wasn’t working. But she could do it if he said the words.
Lord knew he’d always been good about setting her straight before.
But not yet, she realized. She didn’t want to see that look in his eyes yet. Because somehow she did enjoy the thought of being his. She liked the idea of the possibility that their kiss had been on his mind as much as hers. It made no sense. For months she hadn’t even been able to contemplate another relationship. Jason had destroyed more than their marriage when he left. He’d said things, things she thought might actually be true.
Like how she’d never really loved him. That if she truly had, she would have accepted him as he was rather than trying to change him. At the time it had hurt so much, but there had always been something missing.
At first she’d thought it was the baby issue. But now she wasn’t so sure. All she knew was that the painful things he had said had left their scars. Why would she willingly put herself in the middle of an emotional storm like that again?
But Gabe gave her no further clue as to his motives. Instead he sat at her kitchen counter, calm as you please, sipped coffee and ate three gingersnaps while she made tea and put her grocery bags away and chatted about Nathan just to fill up the silence that was growing more awkward by the minute.
When there was little left to say, she moved her tea bag around with her spoon and said quietly, “It’s good seeing you, Gabe. I haven’t much, not since you left school. Not since…” She paused, wondering if she should have left that last part alone. They both knew what the not since was. Since Brandon and Gabe had lost their scholarships during third year. The two of them had been like brothers. And then…it all changed. Carly pasted on a smile, trying to cover her gaff. “Which is funny, considering we only live a few miles apart these days.”
Gabe took a drink of coffee, but Carly could see the line that formed between his eyebrows. She should never have brought it up.
He put the cup down, but held it so tightly his knuckles turned white.
“What’s wrong? If it’s about that time…forget I mentioned it.”
He opened his eyes and her breath caught. So much anger, so much pain. After all these years, she was surprised. She reached out and covered his hand with hers. “Do you want to talk about it? Goodness knows I owe you…”
Gabe pulled his hand away. “That’s just it, Carly, you don’t owe me anything.” He spit the words out, as if they tasted bad. “But yes…I think we should talk about it. Maybe then you’ll understand.”
“Why are you so mad?” She’d never known him to snap before. Gabe had always been slow to anger and quick to smile. But not now. At least there was nothing wrong with her intuition. There was more happening here than a cup of coffee and catching up.
“It’s not me, is it?” She pulled her hand back and picked up her tea. “It was the same at the hospital. Suddenly you got cold and you walked away. Are you going to walk away today? Or are you going to tell me what’s eating at you?”
He folded his hands on the countertop and looked up at her, his face a protective mask. “No,” he said quietly. “I’m not going to walk away today.”
/>
His words did absolutely nothing to reassure her. He wasn’t running, but what was going on? Was it about the accident? About… She lowered her eyes so he wouldn’t see the embarrassment that suddenly made her feel small and shy. About the kiss they’d shared? Was he here to let her down easy just like he had when they were kids? She lifted her chin. She wasn’t that girl anymore. She was tougher. Wiser. She’d been through worse conversations.
“But?” She kept her gaze steadily on his.
“But I need you to know why I walked away before. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I meant what I said. It wasn’t your fault, it was mine. It’s been mine for a long time. And kissing you sent you the wrong message…”
Everything inside her seemed to turn cold. She wasn’t surprised he regretted it, so why did it sting so much? She felt just like she had on prom night, when he’d broken off the kiss and said he didn’t think of her that way. Gabe the Honest. The Honorable.
“So you didn’t want to kiss me?”
“Oh Carly, it wasn’t a matter of wanting. Wanting has nothing to do with it. It never has.”
Her heart gave a weird little kick.
“I don’t know what that means,” she whispered.
“It’s a matter of deserving,” he explained, his dark eyes earnest, “and I can’t go on having you think I’m such a paragon when clearly I’m not. I’m not your knight in shining armor. I’m just a paramedic who happened to be in the right place at the right time.”
She smiled, though it felt a little stiff. She wasn’t quite sure what he was getting at, but she was willing to play it through if it meant getting to the truth. “Neither of us holds the corner on virtue. Give yourself a break.”
He shook his head. “You don’t know. You don’t know what I did.”
What he did? What could he have possibly done? He’d dedicated his whole life to helping people. She knew he was a good man. So why were they talking in riddles and abstracts? She wished he’d just come out and say what he meant.
“I know you were my brother’s best friend for fourteen years. I know you were the boy I looked up to all my life, the one who didn’t care how foolish he looked to the guys when he took his best friend’s stood-up sister to the prom.”
“I made mistakes.”
“Haven’t we all?” She put her teacup in the sink and came back to stand across from him. “No one’s perfect. We both know that. For heaven’s sake, look at me. I married a man who didn’t want children. I thought he’d change his mind. Then when he didn’t, I accepted it and fooled myself into believing the kindergarten kids I taught were enough. I got pregnant and he walked away. I did a poor job choosing, Gabe. I made so many mistakes with my marriage, and now my son has no father because I made the wrong decision.”
“You’re not responsible for Jason’s failures,” Gabe gritted out. “He didn’t deserve you.”
“You’re right.” Carly had had lots of time to think about it and she knew she wasn’t blameless. Not that she condoned Jason walking away from his own child. Not that it didn’t hurt, because it cut her so deeply sometimes it stole her breath. But she’d convinced herself it didn’t matter. “No matter Jason’s faults, he was honest with me and deserved a woman who accepted him as he was. Who loved him wholeheartedly, and that wasn’t me.”
“It’s not the same,” Gabe replied, running his hand over his hair in frustration. “You didn’t…I mean no one’s lives were at stake, were they?”
Her face softened as a glimmer of understanding peeked through the fog of the conversation. “You’re talking about Brandon, aren’t you?”
Just hearing her brother’s name caused Gabe to flinch. “I cost him too much, and he knew it.”
“You did nothing of the sort. You saved his life. I know you did CPR until the ambulance got there.” Carly wouldn’t forget that phone call as long as she lived. Her parents had flown out of the house in a panic and she’d stayed home alone wondering, worrying, fearing the worst for both her brother and for Gabe. She’d heard all about how Gabe found Brandon passed out on the floor and how he’d called 911 before starting CPR.
“It was my fault we were there in the first place. I was the one who’d pushed him to go to that stupid party.”
But Carly wouldn’t let him put the blame on himself, and she shook her head. “Nobody ever made Brandon do anything he didn’t want to do. You know that.”
“But Brandon didn’t want to go. He wanted to hang out with a girl he liked in his Chem class. I was the one who convinced him because the other players were going. It was his first year on the starting lineup and I made him feel the pressure.”
“And did you force him to snort the coke that stopped his heart?”
The point-blank question took Gabe by surprise and he lifted his head, stunned at Carly’s bluntness.
“Did you? Did you give it to him? Come on. Were you doing lines with him that night?”
“No! Of course not. I didn’t even know…”
He broke off, seemed to struggle to find new words while his dark eyes plumbed hers. “You knew he’d ODed?” he whispered.
“Of course I knew. Mom and Dad didn’t keep it a secret from me.”
“No…I mean you all knew it was my fault? But you never said anything.”
“There was nothing to say. It wasn’t your fault. Brandon made his own choices. Same as you. And you did save him that night.”
Gabe rubbed a hand over his face, clearly surprised by her reaction, and Carly melted just a little. What did he think, that they would have turned their backs on him for something not of his own doing? She suddenly realized that he’d thought he’d been holding the secret. But he wasn’t. Gabe was the one left in the dark. And it had haunted him all this time.
Before she could correct him he pushed on. “That’s not the point. I may as well have put the drugs in his hands. I knew some of the guys were using. Brandon was so serious that year. I wanted him to have fun, loosen up a little…”
“We never blamed you.”
“You should have. You should hate me for it. God knows Brandon does.”
Carly moved around the counter and came to stand beside him. She couldn’t bear the thought of him carrying a misplaced burden any longer. “Brandon was twenty years old on an athletic scholarship that was taken away because of bad judgment. He was angry and he was bitter and he lashed out at you rather than take the blame himself.”
Gabe sat back, shocked. “All the things he said. He was right. I didn’t let him alone. I pushed him. I told him to lighten up.”
“The responsibility isn’t all yours, but I can see you’ve taken it upon yourself.” She put her hand on his arm, felt the strong muscles beneath her fingers. “I shouldn’t be surprised. You were always there to bail Brandon out of trouble.”
“Not that time,” Gabe said. She half expected him to pull his arm away but he didn’t, and she felt her stomach do an odd tumble as she slid her hand over his wrist and tangled her fingers with his. No one had told him, she realized. He’d blamed himself all these years because no one had told him the simple truth.
“We’ll have to disagree on that point,” she said. “Brandon was already using, Gabe. Didn’t you know?”
The words seemed to vibrate into Gabe’s consciousness. Already using? That was preposterous. He shook his head. “If he’d been using, I’d have known. God, we were just teenage boys full of hormones and thinking we were invincible. Brandon might have been more of a risk taker, that’s true, but…” He thought back to the night he’d taken Carly to the prom. He’d wanted to do far more than just kiss her. And he would have if it hadn’t been for knowing Brandon would kick his butt. “I wasn’t exactly lily-white either.”
And Brandon had been so quiet those last few months. It had worried Gabe that he’d been so withdrawn. Now he realized he’d misread completely. He’d thought Brandon was stressed out over his studies. But he’d been using. God.
“Then he lied to you. Whatever
he said to you must have been because he couldn’t face the truth. He blew it. You saved him. And in doing so you lost your scholarship. You couldn’t afford school after that, could you?”
Gabe had no words. Everything he’d been so certain of was suddenly turned upside down. All the hurtful, hateful words Brandon had hurled at him. Not just about that night, but about Carly. It was like he’d been able to look into Gabe’s mind and read his thoughts, accusing him of betrayal. Gabe wondered if he should be angry about it. If he should be mad at Brandon. But he wasn’t. In his work he’d seen addicts, and he wondered why he hadn’t recognized the signs before. Maybe because he hadn’t wanted to, not in his best friend. Now all he could feel was concern.
“Is he clean?” he finally said.
Everything had changed that night, not just for Brandon, but for Gabe too. And still he couldn’t find it within himself to hate Brandon for it. Gabe had come through it fine. He had a job he loved and a good life. In some ways, the events of that night had made Gabe’s life what it was today. They had led him to this moment, here in Carly’s kitchen, with a mug of cold coffee and a baby boy sleeping down the hall.
“Yes,” Carly said quietly, “He’s clean. He’s been clean ever since. Nearly dying scared some sense into him, I think. And some shame too. He didn’t hang around long after that. He’s out west working in the oil patch, but you probably knew that.”
“I’d heard.”
“What happened with Brandon—it’s why you became a paramedic, isn’t it?”
He couldn’t deny it. “Seeing him lying on the floor… That was the most frightening thing I’ve ever experienced,” Gabe said quietly, resisting the urge to add until finding you unconscious in that car. “The golden dreams of degrees and football and college—they died that night, even if Brandon didn’t. So yes, it played a big part of it.”
Off The Clock: First Responders, Book 1 Page 4
