“And so you punished yourself all this time.”
Had he? Had he really been punishing himself? “I think it’s more…acceptance, rather than punishment. It was worth it if it meant keeping Brandon alive, you know? Besides, I love my job. It’s not a penance.”
“But you stayed away from all of us.” Carly pulled out the second stool and perched upon it, her knees only an inch away from Gabe’s. “Why did you do that?”
He met her gaze. Finding out about Brandon really changed nothing between them. If anything, it made it worse. Did she feel sorry for him now? He clenched his teeth. Poor Gabe who’d been duped all this time. “Because you put me on that pedestal, Carly. You always did. And I don’t deserve to be there.”
“So you’re flawed. So what? I can’t be grateful to you for saving my life? Because that’s all it is. You were right. This isn’t the prom anymore. This is real life. I’ve got a baby now, one who is depending on me to do everything right. I’m divorced and a single mom and sole breadwinner of my little family and I’m trying to deal with that every day. You’re not the only one who has faults. I’d like to think we’ve both grown up since those days.”
He hated that she threw his words back at him. How foolish he’d been, how smug.
“Of course we’ve grown up. I shouldn’t have said that at the hospital that day.”
Silence fell, like an uncomfortable lump in the throat that refused to clear. He watched as Carly bit down on her lower lip and twisted her fingers together. Finally she lifted her head and let out a breath.
“Look, it’s like this. If you’ve been carrying around all this guilt about Brandon all this time… If you’ve been looking for a way to absolve yourself or whatever, don’t use me to do it. You did your job that night and I’m profoundly grateful you were there. But all the stuff afterwards…”
She paused, closed her lips, frowned. Whatever she had on her mind, he wanted her to finish it. Wanted them to clear the air so they could move forward without the weight of their past holding them back.
Carly crossed her arms, hugging her ribs. “I’m just saying, you don’t owe me anything, and I don’t want you doing me any favors just to ease your conscience.”
“To ease my…” The words slipped out and he clenched his fingers. “That’s what you think? That this is all about setting things right?”
“Isn’t it?”
Gabe stared into her eyes. Was she right? After all, wasn’t that why he came here today? To tell her the truth because he didn’t want her getting the wrong idea? But what was the wrong idea anyway? If he was so sure this wasn’t about Brandon, then where did that leave him? With it all being about her, which was precisely what he didn’t want her to think…
Because he’d blown his chance once before and he was terrified of blowing it again. Because all he’d been able to think about lately was her. He’d expected her to turn him away because of what he’d done to Brandon. Instead she thought he was using her to clear his conscience. It would be comical if it didn’t sting quite so much.
“I’m glad you talked to me about this, Gabe. I always thought you knew…”
But he hadn’t known. Would he have done anything differently if he had? He swallowed thickly. Maybe he would have. Maybe he would have walked up to her door and asked her out on a proper date, not as a fill-in for some jerk who stood her up. And now all the reasons he’d stayed away didn’t even exist. Brandon wasn’t his friend anymore and it wasn’t his fault. He had been right the first time when he’d told her he was an idiot. He was. First class.
“I’m glad you told me about Brandon,” he said, but his voice sounded odd and toneless. He had to get out of here, before he did something stupid like admit how he felt. Like say how she’d been on his mind night and day. Before he leaned over and kissed her lips that were, right now, pursed just the tiniest bit. Hadn’t she just made it clear that she wasn’t interested? If he told the truth now, it would ruin the tentative friendship they’d established.
“I should go. The baby will be getting up soon and I’m on shift tonight.”
His change in mood seemed to give her pause as she sat back a little, her brows pulling together the way they used to when she was trying to solve a particularly challenging geometry problem.
“I appreciate you mowing the lawn today. And stopping by the hospital. But if it was out of a sense of obligation…”
She let her last words hang in the air. Had he felt obligated? He wished he could say yes and wash his hands of the whole thing. But he couldn’t. He’d done it because he’d wanted to—for her. And she wasn’t looking for romance. She’d come right out and said it. She was preoccupied with the day-to-day grind of single motherhood. Romance was the last thing on her mind.
“Just consider it a gift from a friend then,” he murmured, swiveling the stool and standing. “And know that if you need anything, you can give me a call.”
She followed him to the door and he put his grassy sneakers back on in the uncomfortable silence between them. A gift from a friend. Now that he’d broken down the barrier standing between them, he realized that he didn’t want her for a friend. He wanted more. The prom was for kids. She was right. This was grownup land. And he wanted her like a man wanted a woman. Maybe he always had.
“Will you do that?” he asked, raising his gaze to hers. “Call me if you need anything? Anything at all?”
She nodded, but he wasn’t quite sure he believed her.
He looked back at her front door when he reached his truck, nearly lifting his hand in a last wave, but she’d already closed the door.
Chapter Five
Carly didn’t call. Every time she put her hand on the phone, she hesitated, reminding herself that whatever issues Gabe still had to work out, she wasn’t putting herself in the middle. The very idea of Gabe thinking of her as some sort of duty or obligation made her want to curl up inside. It didn’t help that she could recall every sensation she felt when he was around. It was…carnal, she realized. It wasn’t just friendly or a simple kiss. As the days went on and she got comfortable in new routines, she had time to see things more clearly. She was sexually attracted to Gabe at a time when she looked in the mirror and didn’t feel sexy at all. Maybe if she had her old shape back. But it was more. She’d lost her confidence, too.
So she let it be. Besides, she was completely capable of taking care of herself. Everyone went through an adjustment after they had a baby. And she decided to give herself a break. The weather turned warmer and Nathan began to love being outside in the stroller, so the perennial beds were weeded and ready for a load of fresh mulch. Nathan also settled into a once-a-night feeding, and just the extra bit of sleep made it infinitely easier for Carly to cope with the demands of the day.
She didn’t need Gabe to rescue her at all. So it was very surprising that over each of the next two weeks, Gabe came to do the yard work. Rather than face another embarrassing conversation, she accepted it as his way of wanting to help and she let it go. Besides, it was one less chore for her to do and she had the pleasurable bonus of sneaking glimpses of Gabe riding the lawn tractor or the way his muscles flexed when he took a pair of long-handled clippers to her untidy shrubs. The fact that he didn’t knock on her door again didn’t escape her notice. It was almost as if he had something to prove…though she wasn’t quite sure what it was. And then she wondered what would happen if he did come to the door, and if she’d be brave enough to make a first move.
And then what?
She had too much history with Gabe. It would be more than just sex, and that terrified her. So she contented herself with thinking about him as she lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, or as she walked along the road pushing Nathan in his stroller, or even as she hung out tiny sleepers and undershirts on the clothesline. She thought about what they’d talked about that day in her kitchen. About how she’d crushed on him in high school, with the breathless excitement and angst that only a teen could possibly feel. How gallant he’d seemed t
aking her hand the night of the prom, like he’d actually wanted to do it rather than because he felt obligated to rescue his friend’s baby sister. And she thought about what she wanted now.
As much as the idea of being with Gabe still held a certain fancy, she looked around her house, looked into Nathan’s sweet little face and knew that she couldn’t put herself through the heartbreak of a failed relationship again. She knew the idea of spending the rest of her life alone sounded ludicrous, but she also couldn’t help the way she felt. Right now the thought of loving someone—of taking that risk again—was impossible. She never wanted to be that vulnerable again; never wanted to tie herself to someone for the wrong reasons. And when she looked into her son’s face, she had an even greater reason to be cautious. It wasn’t just about her anymore. Sex—even the mind-blowing sex she was sure she’d have with Gabe—wasn’t worth it.
Nathan turned a month old, his doctor’s appointment celebrating the four-week mark since the accident. The buds were beginning to swell on the lilies and the clematis was winding its way around the garden trellis. Days grew longer and Carly spent the evenings on the back deck with Nathan, or over at her parents’ house so they could play with their grandson. On the last day of school she dressed Nathan in his best outfit and went to the staff potluck. The meal was bittersweet. She missed the camaraderie of her coworkers and yet the idea of leaving Nathan with a sitter to go back to work made her heart catch.
She was driving down Main Street after lunch when she spotted Gabe along the sidewalk. She passed him and then reconsidered, pulling into a parking spot. Were they going to ignore each other now? It seemed ridiculous. She rolled down the window as he approached. “Going my way?” she called.
His head swiveled and a smile broke out on his face, warming the afternoon. “Oh, hey. Just left my truck at the garage, and thought I’d walk home.”
“All that way?” He had to live a good three miles from here, out past the Greenwich turnoff towards Port Williams.
“I don’t mind,” he answered, resting his elbows along the door frame and smiling through the open window. “It’s nice out.”
It was nice—the sun was warm but not hot, the air perfumed with the flower baskets overflowing at nearby businesses. Full summer was just around the corner and after weeks of being housebound, Carly wanted to spend an afternoon being frivolous. She’d enjoyed being out today, and she was tired of avoiding Gabe because that’s what she thought she should do. Hadn’t they been friends forever? Why should that change? She was a grown woman. She could control herself.
“You on shift later?”
He shook his head, taking a moment to peer in the back at the sleeping baby. A gentle smile softened his face and made her all marshmallowy inside. Between the weather and Nathan, it was almost as if the tension between them had never existed.
“Get in, Gabe. Let’s go do something fun. I got out of the house today and discovered I liked it.” She sent him what she hoped was a cheeky smile.
After only a brief pause he opened the door and got in. “Okay, so where are we going?”
Carly thought for a minute. “To Fox Hill. It’s on the way to your place, and I want a scoop of gelato, for starters.”
“Sounds good.”
Instead of turning on the air conditioning, they left the windows down as Carly made her way towards the turnoff. In only a few minutes they were driving into Fox Hill, a local fromagerie. When she came around the back of the car, Gabe already had the door open and the baby carrier in his hand. Nathan was still out for the count, exhausted from being passed around at the potluck. Carly had a queer feeling looking at Gabe holding her son, but only smiled. She wasn’t going to think of whys and why nots today. She just wanted to enjoy the afternoon with him. She wanted to keep it simple. She opened the door to the store and was faced with the cooler of gelato flavors. What could be more simple than this?
They both chose their flavors and Carly bought a brick of fresh havarti for her mom, knowing it was her favorite. Outside, they sat at a table in the deserted gazebo, the breeze from the sea ruffling their hair. The wind rippled through the hayfield below and Carly took a deep breath, enjoying the outdoors and the cool, creamy taste of coconut.
“Today has been a good day,” Carly announced, tilting her head back to the beam of sunlight creeping under the gazebo roof.
Gabe’s hand halted on the way to his mouth, the spoon stuck in mid-air with a bit of melting peanut butter gelato on it. The way Carly tipped her head back revealed the column of her throat and he wondered if he pressed his lips to it if he’d feel her pulse flutter. Her hair floated behind her, loose and shimmering, and he imagined wrapping his hand around the long length.
He imagined lots of things about Carly these days. It had made it hell to stay away. For the first few days he’d played it cautious. There’d been a lot to absorb after their last meeting. Understanding that the blame he’d heaped on himself for years was misplaced had taken a big shift in thinking. If he’d known back then what had really happened that night, would it have made a difference? In some things, no. He would have still gone on to be a paramedic. But he might not have isolated himself from Carly and her family quite so much. He might not have wasted so much time.
Now he had a chance and he didn’t want to ruin it. She was too important for that, too special. He was smart enough to know that she was overwhelmed right now with adjusting to parenthood. Not just being a parent, but a single parent. Now it was Carly who needed time, and he’d give it to her. He stuck the spoon in his mouth, trying to divert his thoughts.
But it was no use. It was why he’d stayed away the last few times he’d mowed her grass. He knew what he wanted. And it was too important to push. Not now.
“What are you thinking, Mr. Serious?” Carly opened her eyes. “It looks as though you’re pondering the world’s problems.”
Not the world’s, just his. He needed to take it slowly. He’d known Carly for so long that the idea of wooing her seemed funny. It also gave him a kind of strange, jumped-up feeling. Some might call it anticipation. He wanted her so much he ached. But it wasn’t a matter of slaking his thirst for her and letting go. It wasn’t anticipation. Gabe called it being scared to death of screwing up.
“Not much.”
She laughed a little. “It has to be something. You need to lighten up.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You could start with why you’ve been avoiding me.”
He put down his gelato cup. “I haven’t.”
Nathan’s eyes had opened and Carly rocked the carrier seat lightly with her foot. “Sure you have. You haven’t even stopped in to say hello lately.”
“I was busy,” he said, knowing it sounded like a paltry excuse. Maybe he had been avoiding her, but only because he wanted to be with her, not the opposite. But how could he possibly explain that without putting any pressure on her?
“It doesn’t matter. I know I’m not the best company these days. I always end up with something on my shirt and my house generally looks like a tornado blew through it. Who knew one tiny baby could cause so much havoc?”
Even with mystery stains and messy hair she was the most beautiful woman he knew. And again he bit his tongue, knowing his compliment would be unwelcome. “You think I stayed away because of some spit-up and dust bunnies?” He crossed his ankle over his knee and put an arm along the back of the bench. “Believe me, that’s not the reason.”
“Then what is?”
Why had he responded at all? Now she was neatly boxing him in to a genuine answer and he wasn’t sure what to say. He looked out over the fields below them and watched an eagle catch a draft of wind, gliding on the current. Maybe the truth was best.
“To give you space.”
“Space?”
“You said it yourself, Carly. You have enough to deal with without me hanging around. I know how much the divorce must have hurt you. I know this isn’t how you expected your life to
be. You’re adjusting to a lot. I wanted to give you room to do that. A little yard work—that’s just my way of giving a little helping hand to a friend. No strings.”
It sounded perfectly reasonable when he put it that way, didn’t it? And it was a complete and utter lie. What he knew for sure was that if he’d gone in to see her—again—he’d end up kissing her. Wanting to take her to bed. And probably ruining everything in the process.
A helping hand to a friend. That was exactly what she wanted, right? So why did those words make her feel so empty? He was completely right. She did want space and time and she wasn’t interested in leaping into some romantic affair. Especially not with Gabe. Gabe was too important. With Gabe she stood the risk of losing a friend, not just a lover.
“I didn’t mean you couldn’t stop in. Just that…” she faltered, wondering how to put the conflicting feelings into words that made sense. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to. Like you owe me something. I don’t expect you to look after my yard. I just want you to be my friend. We’ve always been friends. I don’t want that to change.”
“And it won’t. You’re very hung up on this obligation thing, aren’t you?” When she didn’t answer, he went on. “I did it because I wanted to, not because I felt I had to.”
So he’d said. And even in the years when contact between their families had remained minimal, Carly had known that if she’d needed anything, she just had to pick up the phone because that was the kind of man Gabe was. Reliable. Kind.
Smart. Sexy. Capable.
How could she be so determined to kick the idea of romance to the curb when she still wanted Gabe so badly? She sat beside him and felt just like she had when she was sixteen, wanting to slide her hand over close to his and see if he would take it. Feeling a breathlessness every time he looked in her eyes. She could still feel the shape of his mouth against hers when he’d kissed her in the hospital and she wanted him to do it again, only longer this time. Because he wanted to. Not because of any special circumstances or high-intensity moments. Just because he wanted to kiss her.
Off The Clock: First Responders, Book 1 Page 5
