Phule's Company

by Robert Asprin

  "This is easier to cross," Phule declared, walking out to the center of the makeshift bridge and jiggling it with his feet to check its steadiness, "but it's still a little wobbly if we're all going to cross it in a hurry. Anyone have any rope in your packs?"

  Nobody did.

  "Well, I know you all have knives. They were issued to you, and while they aren't the best-quality cutlery, they'll do for the moment. Do-Wop?"

  Here, Captain!"

  "Grab a partner and go get us some rope to tie these logs together with."

  "Sir?"

  "Think, soldier! I believe you'll find some back at the last station. That is, of course, if you don't feel it will compromise your well-known principles to stoop to liberating something for the company's benefit."

  Whoops and cheers went up from the Legionnaires at this, as Do-Wop could normally be relied on to requisition anything that wasn't nailed down solidly-and chained, to boot.

  "While we're waiting," Phule called, waving them into grinning silence, "let's kick around some ideas of how to beat the next obstacle. Anyone have any ideas?"

  As fate would have it, Bombest was not only on duty but in the lobby when the company blew into the hotel after their bout with the confidence course.

  Do-Wop was the first in, though it was difficult to recognize him through the slime and drying mud that were caked on his uniform. He was in undeniably high spirits, though, as he tossed a wad of wet currency on-the front desk and scooped up an entire stack of newspapers from the counter.

  "Hey, Super Gnat!" he called at the next figure through the door, recognizable only by her height, or lack thereof. "Give me a hand with this! You know what the captain said. If those baboons track up the lobby, we'll all have to pay for the cleanup out of our wages."

  The manager watched with interest as the two of them laid a path with newspapers between the front door and the elevators, barely in time as the first wave of Legionnaires burst into view.

  "Did you see Brandy's face when the captain said..."

  "I'll tell you, I never thought I'd live to see..."

  "Hey, Bombast! Better call the laundry service and have 'em send someone over for a pickup. We've got a little overtime for them!"

  The hotel manager did his best to smile along with the general laughter that followed this comment despite the use of the hated nickname, but it came out looking like a thin-upped grimace.

  "Me, I'm ready for a drink or five."

  "Get cleaned up first. Can't have the civvies see us looking like this!"

  One figure detached itself from the jubilant mass and approached the front desk.

  "Say, Bombest! Could you send someone to open up the pool area? I think the crew is going to want to play a bit, and it's probably better for all of us if they do it in the pool instead of the bar and the restaurant."

  The manager did not even try to keep the look of horror off his face this time. If it hadn't spoken, Bombest would never have recognized the mud-encrusted figure before him as Phule. His mind flatly refused to accept that anyone of Phule's social standing and training would stoop to wallowing in the muck with the common troops.

  "The pool?" he echoed weakly, unable to tear his eyes away from the commander's soiled condition.

  Phule caught his look, but misinterpreted it.

  "Don't worry, Bombest." He grinned. "I'm sure everyone will shower before hitting the pool." He gestured at the newspaper-littered lobby. "If they're too cheap to pay to have the carpet vacuumed, they sure aren't about to spring to have a ring around the pool scrubbed off."

  "I suppose not."

  "Oh, and could you have room service send about three trolleys of beer to each of our floors? On my bill, of course."

  "It's all on your bill, Mr. Phule," Bombest commented, beginning to recover his composure.

  The commander had been starting to turn away, but instead he leaned on the desk, chatty in his enthusiasm.

  "I know, Bombest, but this is special. Be sure they're told that it's with the commander's compliments. I'll tell you, I wish you could have seen them today. I'll have to check on it, but I don't think any outfit has run the confidence course in less time than they did."

  "They do seem to be in high spirits," the manager agreed, wishing to maintain the friendly tone of the conversation.

  "They should be. Do you know we ran that course over a dozen times today? They'd still be going at it if I hadn't called it a day."

  "Why did you do that? I mean... it is still fairly early."

  "The course has to be rebuilt first," Phule said proudly, his grin flashing through the dirt on his face. "That reminds me. I've got to call the construction crew and see if they can get someone out there today to get started on it."

  "It... sounds like they're doing well."

  "That they are. I am worried about the Sinthians, though. They're just not able to keep up without help. I've got to come up with some way to help them move faster before they get completely dispirited."

  Bombest was groping for an appropriate answer when he noticed two figures approaching their conversation.

  "Willard? Is that you?"

  Phule turned, smiling as he recognized the reporter whose interview had resulted in the call from Headquarters. She was barely into her twenties with soft, curly brown hair and a curvaceous body that even the conservative lines of her office suit couldn't hide.

  "Hi, Jennie. Surprised you recognized me like this."

  "I almost didn't, but Sidney here said he thought it was you. It's not that easy to fool a holophotographer. " The reporter grinned, gesturing at her partner. "He specializes in spotting celebrities that are trying to travel in disguise."

  "Yes. I can see where that would be a handy skill," the commander said, forcing a smile. He had never been that fond of the sharp-eyed holophotographers that flocked around public figures like vultures around a staggering animal. In particular, he found he disliked the easy, broad-shouldered, wavy-haired good looks of the photographer who stood so close to Jennie. He exuded a relaxed air that intense people such as Phule always envied but could never hope to master. "Pleased to meet you, Sidney."

  He bared his teeth as they shook hands.

  "So. What can I do for you today, Jennie? I don't think we can top that last article you wrote until we learn to walk on water."

  Any sarcasm hidden in his question was lost in the reporter's enthusiasm.

  "Well, our editor has assigned us to do a series of weekly articles on you, complete with pictures... if you're willing, that is. I was hoping we could talk with you and get a few shots, or set a time at your convenience."

  "I see. Unfortunately I'm not really presentable at the moment." Phule gestured pointedly at his soiled condition. "We've been running the confidence course today..."

  "Really? That could make a good lead right there... "

  "... and besides," the commander continued, "I'd rather you did a few stories on the company itself. I'm sure the public would find it more interesting than a series on me alone."

  "I... suppose," the reporter said hesitantly, seemingly reluctant to pass up her chance to spend time with the commander. "We could try putting in some stuff about how other people view you and your activities."

  "Fine. Then it's settled. We'll see what we can do about lining you up with... Do-Wop! Brandy!"

  He waved at the two figures en route from the elevator to the lounge, and they wandered over to join the conversation.

  "These two are interested in doing a story on our confidence course training session," he explained. "I was wondering if the two of you would be willing to fill them in."

  "With holos?" Do-Wop exclaimed, spotting the holophotographer's equipment. "Hey, neat! Sure thing, Captain."

  "Um... the trouble here is that they don't look like they've been through anything," the reporter commented tactfully.

  The two Legionnaires had already showered and changed, and except for their damp hair there was no trace of their recent o
rdeal.

  "No problem," Do-Wop insisted hastily. "We can just duck up and change back into our other uniforms and-"

  "Better still," Brandy said levelly, eyeing the holophotographer, whose good looks had not escaped her notice, "we could just go across the street to the park and take a quick dip in the fountain to wet ourselves down. I'm not sure the public wants to see how really dirty we get on the course."

  The holophotographer ran an appraising look over the top sergeant's generous figure and nudged the reporter with his elbow.

  "That'll do just fine," he declared. "Shall we go?"

  As the group headed out of the hotel, Phule snagged the photographer and drew him aside.

  "Umm... Sidney? We both know that Jennie there has enough enthusiasm to carry a whole brigade along with her once she gets rolling. I'm counting on you to keep a bit more level head on your shoulders."

  "What do you mean... ?"

  "Let's just say it would be wise for you to check with the various Legionnaires before taking, much less publishing, holos of them. Some of them joined the Legion to leave their past behind them."

  "Really?" The photographer started to look around, but Phule wasn't finished.

  "And if they didn't shove your gear down your throat when you tried to take the pictures, I'd be inclined to take a personal interest in your career, as long as it lasted. Do we understand each other?"

  Sidney met the commander's gaze, and what he saw there made him decide that this was not the time to extol the virtues of freedom of the press.

  "Understood, Mr. Phule," he said, giving a quick salute that wasn't entirely mockery.

  Phule paid only distant attention to the antics of the photo session. Instead, he found himself watching the neighborhood rat pack of kids who interrupted their glide-board frolicking to investigate the gathering. After the reporter shooed them away from the shooting for the fifth time, this time threatening to call the police, the kids resumed their normal games, perhaps more energetically because of the nearby holophotographer.

  Though best on hard, flat surfaces like sidewalks, the glide boards could work on anything, and the kids prided themselves in demonstrating their expertise in the face of adversity. They rode them over the tops of the park benches and across the uneven grass. Their favorite maneuver was to skim down one particular slope into a dip, then use their momentum to jump their boards over the hedge, coincidentally landing in the fountain the photographer was using for his backdrop. The boards were even faster over water, however, and they had no difficulty in gliding across the fountain and disappearing before the news team could do more than raise their voices in protest.

  Phule watched them intently for a while, then drifted over toward where they were gathering to plot their next move. The kids watched his approach, ready to bolt for the safety of the alleys, but he smiled and beckoned to them, so they held their ground until he was in talking distance.

  "Whatcha want, mister?" the apparent leader challenged. "Looks like you could use a dip in the fountain yourself."

  Phule grinned ruefully along with the titters of laughter. He hadn't had a chance to clean himself up yet, and if anything he looked worse than the urchins.

  "I was just wondering if you could tell me a little about your boards," he said. "Are they hard to operate?"

  The kids glanced at each other, torn between their love of their boards and the temptation to tease an adult. The boards won.

  They're a little tricky at first," the spokesman admitted. "You've got to learn to keep your center of balance low or they'll toss you off."

  "With a little practice..."

  "With a lot of practice..."

  "You can make 'em do just about anything..."

  "You want to give it a try?"

  "Once you get the hang of it..."

  Now that the barrier was broken, the information came in a torrent as the kids all tried to talk about their passion at once. Phule listened for a few moments, then waved them into silence.

  "What I really want to know," he said in a conspiratorial voice that brought the kids crowding closer, "is if you think you could teach a Sinthian to ride one of these things... Have any of you ever met a Sinthian?"

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Journal #091

  Their success on the confidence course, not to mention their pride in their new "uniforms," seemed to mark a turning point in the attitudes of the Legionnaires. As a whole and as individuals, the company began to embrace their new commander's belief that "we can do anything if we work together and are not too picky about how we do it!"

  Like children looking for excuses to show off a new toy, the Legionnaires abandoned their previous habit of clinging to their home base during their off-duty hours, and instead were soon seen throughout the settlement looking for new challenges to apply their "togetherness" techniques to, whether it was called for or not! Many of the local citizens grew to believe that this extroverted crew was an entirely new force which had been imported, as most of their "projects" could be viewed as "good deeds" or "civic improvements." Unfortunately, however, not all of their pastimes fell on the proper side of legality, a fact which kept my employer quite busy intervening between them and the local authorities.

  Aside from this, the bulk of his time was occupied in a sincere effort to get better acquainted with the individuals under his command in preparation for the assigning of the company into two-man teams. Of course, his efforts only revealed what I had suspected since he first received this assignment: that Legionnaires relegated to an Omega Company are not the easiest individuals in the universe to deal with.

  "Mind if I join you?"

  Super Gnat looked up from her breakfast to find the company commander standing over her table. With a shrug, she waved him into the facing chair.

  The smallest member of the company was not unattractive, though no one would call her beautiful. An obvious band of freckles across her cheekbones and nose combined with her heart-shaped face and short brown hair to give an impression of a pixie-a robust young farm pixie, not the cuter, more sophisticated Tinker Bell variety.

  Phule stirred his coffee slowly as he tried to organize his thoughts into words.

  "I've been meaning to talk to you for some time," he began, but the Gnat stopped him, holding up a restraining hand while she finished chewing and swallowing her current mouthful.

  "Let me save you a little time here, Captain. It's about my fightin'. Right?"

  "Well... yes. You do seem to be involved in more than your share of... scuffles."

  "Scuffles." The little Legionnaire sighed. "If I was bigger, they'd be called brawls. Oh well. Let me explain something to you, sir. "

  She readdressed her food as she spoke.

  "I was the littlest of nine kids in our family-not the youngest, the littlest. Our folks both worked and weren't around much, so us kids were left pretty much to sort things out for ourselves, and like most kids, we weren't big on democracy or diplomacy. If you didn't stand up for yourself, nobody else would and you ended up at the bottom of the heap. Of course, me bein' the smallest, I had to fight more than most just to keep my share of the grief and housework from getting too big. You know what it's like to have a sister five years younger than you try to push you around?"

  Phule was caught flat-footed by the question and groped for an answer. Fortunately none seemed to be required; as Super Gnat continued.

  "Anyway, I sort of got in the habit of going for anyone who tried to hassle me. You see, when you're my size, you can't wait for the other person to swing first, or it's all over before it starts. You gotta go for them first if you want to get your licks in. Even then it doesn't always work, but at least that way you've got a chance."

  She paused to sip her coffee, then wiped her mouth decisively with the napkin.

  "I guess what I'm saying, sir, is that what you sees is what you gets. I can appreciate that my fighting all the time is disruptive, but it's an old habit and I personally wouldn't make book on
its changing. If it really bothers you, I could transfer out. Lord knows it won't be the first time."

  Despite his poise, Phule was a bit taken aback by the frankness of this little Legionnaire. While he was concerned about the conduct of the company, he found himself warming to the Gnat.

  "I... really don't think that will be necessary," he said, dismissing the possibility offhand. "Tell me, doesn't it bother you that you always get beaten? Why do you keep picking fights you can't win?"

  For the first time since the start of their conversation, Super Gnat looked uncomfortable.

  "Well, you see, sir, the way I was raised, I've always figured the important thing is to stand up for yourself and what you believe in whatever the odds. If you only fight when you can win... well, then you're just a bully takin' advantage of weaker folks. I guess growin' up the way I did, I never had much use for bullies, so I'm kinda sensitive about bein' one myself. "

  The commander was impressed. Enough so that the idea of the Gnat as a bully wasn't even outlandish.

  "But you would like to win more often? Or at least some of the time?"

  "Of course I would," she said. "Don't get me wrong, Captain. Just 'cause I'm not choosy about my fights doesn't mean I've got a thing for losin'. You got any suggestions on that score, I'd appreciate 'em."

  "Well, I was thinking you might look into the martial arts... you know, like karate. A lot of them are designed by and for small people, and..."

  He broke off when he realized Super Gnat was beaming at him with an impish grin.

  "You don't have to tell me about the martial arts, sir. You see, I've got belt ratin's in three schools a karate-Korean, Japanese, and Okinawan-plus judo and some a the Chinese forms. The trouble there is that you've got to keep a level head for the forms to work, and when I get mad-and I gotta be mad to fight-it all just kinda slips away and I'm back to bein' a scrapper. "

  "Three schools," Phule echoed weakly.

  "That's right. My first husband, he owned a string a dojos, so it was real easy for me to get lessons. Now, if you'll excuse me, sir, I'm supposed to be helpin' in the kitchen just now."