Valentine Wishes (Baxter Academy Book 1)

by Jane Charles

  Chapter Forty-Two

  I know that none of this is Brett’s fault, but if I hadn’t been so involved with him, I would have seen what was happening with Theo. I would have picked up on something, but because I was so caught up with being in love, I didn’t see what was happening. It doesn’t matter that Theo hid his intentions well, or that he didn’t get a chance to go through with his plans, I should have still known.

  Brett warned me, but if I hadn’t been focused on him, I would have figured it out on my own. Maybe have done or said something so he wasn’t feeling so desperate in the end. Nothing could have stopped the seizure, but shouldn’t I have at least been made aware that it could be a possibility? Were there signs that indicated that a seizure was about to happen, like little seismic blurbs before an earthquake? There had to have been signs. These things just don’t happen out of the blue. Or, at least they shouldn’t but because I was involved in my own life and accepting everything that Theo was telling me, I missed it. I missed something and I’m not sure I can forgive myself.

  I should have been a better sister. I should have been more aware. I’d gotten complacent with his condition instead of fighting for him to get better. I should have forced him to take his meds. Stayed with him and not let up no matter how much he hated me for it. Then, I might have prevented the seizure and kept him from attempting to kill himself.

  I haven’t shown anyone the letter. Nobody needs to know what he planned on doing. It isn’t anyone’s business and it had been written to me.

  Brett has been a rock and been by my side until he had to go back to work, but I can’t lean on him like I’d like to. I don’t deserve it and the guilt eats at me.

  Now that Brett’s gone, Ashley is here. She showed up with a bag on Sunday night and refused to leave. Her presence is more comforting than anyone else. She knows me and is here, even though I ignored her calls.

  I couldn’t talk to her at first because I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it through the conversation and I had to keep it together. I still need to keep it together.

  Gram’s surgery went well and she’s recovering better than expected but I hate, hate, hate the idea of her going to a nursing home, or assisted living facility, until she can walk on her own, or at least with a cane or a walker. I’m afraid she won’t come home again.

  That’s what scares me. I don’t want to be alone, with no family around me. It was one thing to want to live on my own, but my family was always here for me to visit, and where they belonged. Theo is never coming home again and Grandma might not either.

  Brett is here for me, but it isn’t the same. And, even after Tyler gets here, he only has a week before he has to go back to Iraq. I wish he didn’t have to go at all.

  “Hey, sis.” I look up to find Tyler standing in the door, dressed in fatigues, a duffle in his hand and suddenly everything lets loose. I hadn’t realized I’d been holding so much in until I saw my brother and then the dam burst. I don’t know if I went to him or he came to me, but in the blink of an eye, he’s got his arms wrapped around me as I cry, no sob, into his chest. He’s all the family I have left. In two days, Theo will be buried next to my parents. The thought makes me cry all the harder.

  I’m bone tired and will probably be like this for weeks. At least until things start returning to normal for Jackie, whatever her new normal is going to be, but I can’t not drive there each night and leave early in the morning. I have to be there when I can, even if Ashley is staying with her.

  My phone dings as I get in my car and I glance down. It’s a text from Jackie. That is one of the biggest changes. Jackie hasn’t called since the accident. Just sends texts and I hate it. When I’ve called to check on her during the day, half the time Ashley answers with an excuse that Jackie is busy or visiting with family or resting. I don’t buy any of it. She’s trying to push me away for unknown reasons, but I’m not going to let her. Now is not the time to be making any kind of decision of who you want in your life and who you don’t, even if that’s what she’s thinking. I will stick by her side no matter what until everything calms down and she can think a little more clearly.

  My brother just got in. You don’t need to come tonight.

  I stare at her message, not sure how I feel. Shutting me out more? Doesn’t want me to make the long drive?

  It’s no problem to drive there. Just leaving work.

  I want to be alone with my brother.

  I get that, but it still hurts. Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.

  The visitation starts at four with family viewing at three.

  I’m in the office before everyone else and get a lot of paperwork done. I also skip lunch, hoping I can duck out early. I already have tomorrow off for the funeral, but I need to make up the hours to get to the visitation on time. Jackie already knows that if they make me stay until five I’ll be late. I’ll still make it. She said she understood. And, I did warn her ahead of time this could happen so she can’t hold it against me if I show up after it has started.

  The clock hits four and I click off my computer and grab my jacket just as my boss comes out of his office.

  “Grab your gear.”

  I duck my head and hope he doesn’t notice me. Technically, I’m off now, I’ve worked my hours for the day.

  “Robak, get your gear.”

  “Sir, the visitation I mentioned.”

  “Dammit Robak, we’ve got a hostage situation. Bank robbery gone bad.”

  My gut flips.

  “Yes, sir. But, we discussed.”

  “We discussed if I could spare you. Listen do you want to be an FBI Agent or not?”

  I straighten. “I do, Sir.”

  “Then get your gear and get your ass on that elevator or I’ll see you shipped to Alaska and your probation extended for a year.”

  Chapter Forty-Three

  The line of people goes on and on. Where were these friends when Theo was struggling in school? Or, where were they when he needed a friend but they had pushed him away, giving him a hard time and teasing him? I want to ask each and every one of his classmates that question, but I don’t. Let this be a lesson. One they will carry with them forever.

  They are kids, which I have to remember, but old enough to have known better.

  Well, maybe not when they were thirteen and Theo had changed. But, it’s not like they came around and tried to keep the friendships going.

  I’m bitter, very bitter, but it’s not worth the time in effort.

  But then a different set of kids start lining up. These are the ones who just spent the last month at camp. The ones who have known Theo for four years. Counselors arranged the trip because these kids wanted to be here. To pay their respects and I nearly loose it when the first one stops in front of me. These kids were Theo’s truest friends. Not that kids he went to school with.

  My aunts and uncles are mingling and talking to neighbors, friends, the kids. Their children, my cousins, are just sitting in chairs, looking around, whispering to each other. Each and every one of them uncomfortable and scared. Tyler is standing next to me and grabs my hand on occasion. I showed him the letter. He’s the only one, besides Brett, who will ever know of its existence. Tyler assured me that if what Theo’s plan had happened, he would have come home anyway, despite Theo’s wishes.

  I’m not the only one carrying guilt either. Tyler has a fair share of it because he was not here to watch out for his little brother. It didn’t matter that Theo was proud of Tyler for what he was doing, Tyler’s still eaten with guilt for not being around. We both have guilt and it’s something we are going to have to live with.

  Ashley has been by the doors, watching. I know she’s looking for Brett and she isn’t the only one. The visitation started three hours ago and he’s still not here. He promised he would be. I got that he might be late if he couldn’t get out early, but he should have been here by now. He should have been here an hour ago, so where the hell was he?

  Panic nearly grips my heart and I hav
e visions of his car, off in a ditch somewhere. Or he’s been shot in the line of duty. Or something equally horrifying. He is either unconscious or dead somewhere, otherwise he’d be here.

  The faces swarm and names are said, but none of it sticks. I nod, thank them for their condolences and then do the same to the next person, and the next, and the next. By the time the last of the mourners are through the line it’s eight and Brett never came.

  Of all the time not to show up, this was not it. And, I sure as hell don’t appreciate having to worry about him at my brother’s visitation.

  “Did you check your phone?” Ashley asks as Tyler drives us back home.

  I forgot I even had a phone. Right now all I want is a glass of wine and something for the headache that’s been building. “No.”

  “Check it. I’m sure he called.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” He wasn’t there and that’s all that counts.

  “You are so stubborn sometimes.” She grabs my purse and starts going through it.

  I should tell her to mind her own business, but I don’t really care at the moment. I’d rather be mad at Brett. It was something I could really focus on and it felt good to be pissed instead of heartbroken and numb.

  “Let me see.” She punches in my password, because she’s my best friend and knows everything. “There are about a dozen messages here.”

  “He still didn’t show,” I mumble and look out the window.

  “Hostage situation. Be there as soon as I can. Situation turned bad, hoping it’s over soon. Hostages harmed. Officers shot. Will be here. I’m so sorry. I love you. Please call. Jackie, call me. I love you. Please call.”

  My phone rings.

  “Don’t answer!”

  “Jackie, I know how you can be.”

  “Dammit, don’t answer the phone.”

  Ashley sighs and sends it to voicemail. “He’s called three times,” she says after looking at my missed calls.”

  “I waited for him all night, he can wait on me.”

  Ashley starts typing into my phone.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Answering him, since you won’t.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Thank you for the messages but I can’t talk right now.”

  At least she wasn’t being nice for me.

  “Aren’t you being a little hard on the guy?” Tyler finally says.

  “Thank you,” Ashley pipes up from the back seat.

  “He can’t help it that he couldn’t make it. It’s not like he decided to go out for pizza instead.”

  “I know. I get it. But, if I can’t count on him to be here now, will I ever be able to count on him?”

  “Don’t go down that road, Jackie,” Tyler warns.

  “I’m already there. I have rules for dating for a reason.”

  “Without giving him a break or trying to understand?” Tyler argues.

  “This isn’t the first time it’s happened.”

  “And it probably won’t be the last with this line of work.”

  I glance back out the window, refusing to have this conversation. They aren’t me. They don’t know what it’s like to wait for someone and they don’t show only to find out they’re dead. Then worry when others don’t show up, afraid they are also dead. I’m not sure I can live like that. Can I date and possibly marry a guy that will be gone when I need him most? Who puts his life in danger because of his job?

  I’m not sure I can do it.

  She’s pissed. She has every right to be and I don’t blame her, but it’s not like I had any control either. Nobody expected it to go so badly. Two hostages are dead, as well as a cop, and an FBI agent is wounded. We worked the scene through the night. I didn’t even stop to sleep, but went home, showered and dressed and drove to town. By the time I slip into a chair at the back of the room, the funeral is about over.

  Jackie is in the front with a tall, dark-headed guy beside her. I assume it’s her brother Tyler. I can’t imagine anyone else would sit there, he doesn’t look familiar and he has a typical Army haircut. That, and he’s in dress uniform from what I can tell. Or, it could be a dark blue suit jacket. I won’t know until he stands and turns.

  Ushers start releasing rows, and the people file past the casket and stop to hug Jackie and her brother. That’s when I realize I’ll be the last one. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing, though it’s selfish of me to think about my feelings and her reaction when she sees me. We haven’t talked since before her brother arrived, three days ago.

  Ashley gives Jackie a hug and starts down the aisle, when she sees me, slips into the seat beside me.

  “How is she doing?” I whisper.

  “About as good as can be expected.”

  “Is she mad?”

  “Royally pissed is more like it.”

  My stomach tightens. “It’s not like I had any control. My choices were go to the robbery or be shipped to Alaska.”

  “Hey, I know that. But, I know Jackie. I told you before you ever met her how she is. You weren’t just late, you were a no show.”

  “What the hell was I supposed to do? Quit my job?”

  “Hey, I get it. I’m just telling you how it is with her.”

  I know how it is, but she’s got to understand and if she can’t, do I want to spend all my time trying to make it up to her, or afraid I’ll be in the dog house if I’m a minute late. I get her being mad because I wasn’t there. And, disappointed. But, there has got to be some understanding on her part too.

  “There is some serious groveling in your future, but I’ll keep singing your praises and reminding her that she’s being unreasonable.”

  “Thanks.” At least Ashley’s in my corner.

  My row is motioned to stand. “See you out front,” Ashley says before ducking out the door. I make my way to the front, wishing I wasn’t the last person, but it’s not like I can cut in line.

  Jackie doesn’t even respond when she looks at me. When I try to hug her, she just stiffens up and doesn’t return it. Now is not the time to have any kind of discussion so I kiss her on the cheek. “I’m sorry.” And it’s not just her brother’s death, but for everything.

  Then I pause before her brother and hold out my hand. “Brett Robak. I’m sorry for your loss.”

  Tyler’s eyes flood with sympathy and get the feeling he’s the one feeling sorry for me right now. That does not bode well for my future with Jackie.

  Her family gathers around her, some nodding to me as I walk away.

  I don’t even know what the fuck to do right now. Be there even though I couldn’t be last night or this morning? Will she even let me back?

  Ashley is waiting by my car, which is the last one in the car line for the funeral procession.

  “I pulled my car out of line. I thought we could ride together.”

  “Thanks.” I didn’t really want to be alone right now. I’d drive myself nuts with recriminations. I should have fucking walked out of my job. I can work anywhere. Jackie needed me last night.

  “Does it at least help that her brother is here?”

  “Yeah, they’ve spent a lot of time together. Tyler doesn’t have to fly out until Wednesday so she’s grateful for that. She just wishes he didn’t have to go back at all.”

  “Too bad they can’t claim a hardship, but with Jackie being an adult, it’s not like he has to remain stateside to take care of kids or something.”

  Jackie and Tyler follow the casket out and watch as it’s loaded into the back of the hearse. Her face is devoid of emotion. Has she completely shut down?

  “I worry about her.”

  “Me too,” Ashley says.

  The graveside service is short. I hang at the back with Ashley. Jackie and her family are in the chairs in front of the grave. Everyone is going to gather at the plantation house at the end, me included. I’m not going anywhere until I have to report back to work, or she kicks me out. Whichever comes first. I just hope she at leas
t talks to me and I can beg her forgiveness.

  One of Jackie’s aunts puts an arm around her shoulders when it’s done and begins walking her back to the house. Jackie needs this time with her family, and I follow at a distance. It’s Tyler who makes his way back to me.

  “Theo wrote and told me you were a good guy.”

  “I try.”

  “Hang in there.”

  “If she’ll let me.”

  “I know my sister. She’s stubborn and pissed.”

  “She has a right to be.”

  “I also saw the letter.”

  The suicide note. “Has anyone else?”

  “No. I agree with Jackie that it isn’t anyone business to know what Theo was planning.”

  I just nod.

  “I’ll remind her of what he said about you, but it might take some time.”

  “I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

  He stops and looks at me. “Do you love her?”

  My heart seizes. “Yeah and I really fucked this one up.”

  He gives a small laugh. “She’s stubborn. I just hope she’s not stupid too.”

  “You don’t even know me.” I finally say.

  “Theo did, and thought highly of you. That’s enough for me.” He pats me on the back. “See you at the house.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  It is really nice that all these people came to the funeral and back to the house for the wake, but I really wish they’d all leave. I’m also tired of trying to dodge Brett. I can’t have any discussion with him right now. My emotions are too raw.

  He hasn’t really tried to approach me, but I know he’s lying in wait. He’ll pounce when everyone is gone and then I’ll have to talk to him. It’s not going to be an easy conversation but it’s one that needs to be had. I tried to explain to Ashley but she doesn’t get it and wanted me to promise that I wouldn’t make a hasty decision at a time like this. That I should give it some time.

  And then there is my brother, Tyler the traitor. At least to me. He’s talked to Brett a few times. They two were sharing a beer out back earlier. They don’t even know each other, but their conversation appeared interesting enough from a distance. Tyler knows how upset I am. He’s my brother and should be on my side, not befriending Brett.