Godforsaken: Book 1 (Shade of Light)

by Suren Hakobyan

  “And you lost a lot, my friend.” The monk grinned again, closing on Samael. He stared into Samael’s eyes with curiosity. “I can see the change in your eyes. What has occurred?”

  Samael didn’t falter, refusing to turn his face away from Raphael. Instead, he looked back at the monk bravely. “Can any human see our true self? Is it even possible?” he asked tonelessly.

  The smile on Raphael’s face faded away, his eyes narrowed into seriousness. The monk peered down at the ground, distinctly preoccupied by his own memories and thoughts.

  “It’s possible, isn’t it?” Samael reckoned, noting the change in Raphael’s mood.

  “Why are you sure that someone saw your true colors?” Raphael mused.

  “I’m not sure. I only suspect,” Samael corrected, making a step closer the altar. After a little while, the monk’s eyes followed after him.

  “You feel something,” Raphael said suspiciously. “I was right, something changed inside you.”

  “Nothing can be changed in me,” Samael shouted aloud, his angry voice shaking the walls. His eyes filled with malice. In a second, the guy Lily had met in the club transformed into a demon. “You always wish for me to be changed, but I never understood why. We were created like this, and are supposed to exist like this.”

  “Calm down, Samael,” Raphael, on the contrary, was unconcerned. “You’re in one of Father’s houses.”

  “I’m not serving him anymore–” Samael went on angrily, remorselessly but the monk cut him off with a gesture.

  “But you’re his guest now,” Raphael announced, “and the guest should show some respect to the host in his house.”

  Samael squinted at Raphael, then his irritated eyes relaxed momentary. He blinked, keeping his eyes shut for too long.

  “The reason for me coming here is a girl,” he muttered under his breath, though the monk could hear his voice very clearly in the silent church. Lily’s face popped into his view and soared around him–he couldn’t help but picture her expression when they had been dancing in the club.

  “I see,” Raphael sighed putting his hand on Samael’s shoulder. “Women have a very mighty power, you see? A woman is like a cage filled with that power, until a man drags it out from inside her.”

  Samael stared at Raphael uncomprehendingly. “Love, my brother,” Raphael grinned, “love is the way to pull that power out into the light.”

  “What kind of power, Raphael? Are you jesting?” Samael arched his eyebrows and the corner of his right eye twitched.

  “Haven’t you seen behavior of a man who has fallen in love?” The monk spun around to face the altar. “In the thrall of love, he gains the strength to fight and,” he raised his finger into the air, “a reason to fight for. All the greatest wars of history were dependent upon one thing, Samael – the love of women.”

  “I daresay you’re mistaken,” Samael argued, looking at the back of Raphael with pensive eyes. “There was only one reason, and it’s to gain power over others.”

  “Not a single man could reach that power without the strength of love fueling him.” The monk eyed Samael, his brown eyes glittering with some kind of sadness. “You bothered with nothing but keeping the gates of the garden. You were not interested in man’s wars at all–”

  “And I’m still not interested.”

  “But everything that you can see around you has been built by the life you are rejecting. You think you are emotionless? That you don’t feel anything?”

  “I am emotionless–” Samael protested instantly.

  “You don’t believe your words either, do you?” Raphael mocked. Samael opened his mouth then thought against it. “Why did you follow Lucifer down to Earth that time?”

  “I believed in the changes he could’ve made,” Samael said back with a faded voice. “Every one of the followers believed in them.”

  “I don’t think they did–”

  “Then you’re wrong again, Healer,” Samael grumbled and spun around. He made his way promptly toward the gates.

  The monk gazed at his back surreptitiously while Samael crossed the hall to leave. The gates opened on their own again and the rain’s voice crawled into the hall like a wave. A flurry of raindrops wandered in across the air, and the candle flame shuddered.

  “Supposedly you came here because you believe you have changed, Samael,” Raphael shouted accusingly, and Samael halted by the gates, tilting his head down. “You obviously hate being unable to understand it, and I’ll pray that this girl will help you find what you’ve been looking for for so long.”

  “I’m not going to make the same mistake that Lucifer once made.” With these contemptuous words Samael started off. He went out into the rain with a whoosh and vanished into the dead of night.

  *

  Raphael kept staring at the empty spot. He pondered. Why had Samael come? What did he hope to gain from Raphael? Samael had talked, but ultimately told Raphael nothing. He was too clever to put his cards on the table so easily. His visit had had a very high purpose.

  The gates seemed to forget to shut. Raindrops burst into the church and mingled with the blue unearthly light inside.

  4. New Day

  That night, Lily dreamed about the stranger. The mystical stranger from the club forced his way into her dream. He was on the top of a mountain, staring down into the abyss beneath. There was a beautiful garden surrounding the mountain. It was as if he was in heaven, and was miserably looking down on Earth.

  He sat on an isolated patch of green grass, his hands on his legs. His hair blew back in the wind coming from the endless horizon, where the sun was about to rise. He was clad in a knight’s steel armor.

  In the dream, Lily stood several steps behind him. She paced barefoot along the path that led to him. In spite of the unearthly beauty surrounding her from every side, her eyes were pinned on him. She knew she was unable to avert them. Her legs were forcing her ahead of their own volition. She felt the same helplessness she had felt when she had found herself in the stranger’s arms. There was no way for her to stop herself from approaching him, he was like a magnet attracting her body and mind at the same time.

  Abruptly, the horizon changed into a golden yellow and the first rays of sun broke into the sky. As the sunlight reached him, Lily stopped dead, totally petrified. He shone like silver. What kind of beautiful creature was he? At that very moment, she spotted two gray wings emerging from his back, just as she had seen at their first meeting in the club. They were half-opened in the wind and shone brighter than his skin and uniform.

  Nature trailed off. No wind, no birds, nothing but absolute silence as the sun rose. It was as if the world itself was admiring the mystical angel’s beauty too.

  Looking absently for some seconds, she mustered up her courage and made her way toward him. He remained motionless, not noticing her approach. He stared down enjoying the warmth of the upcoming sun.

  Lily came up and halted beside him, but he kept ignoring her. She regarded him and felt a strong desire to collapse to her knees, hug him, and kiss him. She opened her mouth to speak to him, but had no question to ask. Lily didn’t even know his name.

  She remained still, waiting for him to acknowledge her presence, but the man kept looking away. Lily turned her eyes away from him and peered in the same direction as he did, holding her breath. Beautiful white clouds like balls of cotton came into her view, paralyzing her instantly from head to toe. She was standing on the edge of heaven, with the whole world beneath in her palm. She had never seen such a wonderful sunrise before. The beauty of the whole world was at her feet, and she just had to bend forward and snatch it up.

  Finally Lily’s lungs gave in and made her suck in a huge breath. He heard her inhaling and turned to face her at last. Their eyes met steadily, and Lily had to hold her breath again. His eyes beamed out an unnatural light as if there was some sort of liquid mingling with the air.

  Suddenly, she jerked awake, breathing rapidly as though she had been choked. She
sat bolt upright in bed, the dream scene still twinkling before her eyes. The new day had already started, but the sun was hidden behind blackened clouds. It was probably going to rain soon.

  Lily’s eyes stared ahead at the poster on the front wall, but she saw nothing of it. Her mind was still glued to the dream – and to the angel. It seemed as though the strange man wasn’t going to leave her anytime soon.

  “Are you ready in there?” Nancy’s sweet voice pulled her out from the dream.

  Lily blinked, calming, the reality of the world around her coming into focus.

  “Lily? Are you up yet?” Nancy’s voice sounded worried now.

  “No, I’ll be out in a minute,” Lily said drowsily.

  “Hurry up.”

  Lily covered her face with her hands and sighed. The events of yesterday flooded back to her. She remembered dancing in the club, kissing the stranger in the car, then crying in Nancy’s arms for over half of the night. That’s why her eyes were red and bloodshot and longed for sleep, but the new day studying had begun, and there was no more time for resting. With that, Lily forced herself out of bed.

  *

  Lily and Nancy exchanged only several words on their trip to college before Nancy decided to leave her friend alone with her thoughts. Lily looked exhausted, her blonde hair hung limp over her shoulders. If Nancy wasn’t with her, she would have passed her station and gone on to the last one without realizing it.

  “Have a nice day,” Nancy said at the entrance of the college before walking away to her class.

  Lily gazed after her until she disappeared around the corner. Sighing, she took the stairs.

  Throughout her classes Lily couldn’t concentrate at all. She stared at the raindrops running down the window and relived all the feelings she had felt the previous night. One thing she did understand: she should forget about the stranger. But that was an impossible task. The man from the club had kept her soul even when she had left him, and now, he had vanished, leaving her with only her painful memories.

  Lily went to lunch and saw Nancy standing at the entrance waiting for her. She exhaled anxiously, but forced a broad smile as Lily approached.

  “Hey,” Nancy called out to Lily with a forced chipperness, “You’re here.”

  Lily just nodded in reply.

  “Let’s go have something to eat, shall we?” Nancy asked.

  “Yeah, of course,” Lily said quietly, and made her way toward the exit.

  Nancy followed her in silence.

  They got out into the fresh and chilly air. The sky was still covered by gloomy clouds as the heavy rain continued, but Lily didn’t mind walking into it. Raindrops found her blonde hair instantly. Nancy caught up to her and opened the umbrella. Holding it above them both, she and Lily walked across the courtyard in silence.

  The courtyard was almost empty. Lily could see several students with umbrellas coming toward them, and one guy even ran by holding a paper bag above his head.

  “Where is Mike?” Lily broke the silence. “Shouldn’t you meet him for lunch?”

  “He’ll catch up with us in the café,” Nancy relied. “I thought you wouldn’t want him to join us.”

  “I’m not sick, Nancy,” Lily said grumpily.

  “But you’re not feeling so good, so I just thought–”

  “Just drop it,” Lily put in sharply.

  The café was crowded, and it took a while to find a free table near the TV. Lily avoided Nancy’s eyes while they were waiting for a waitress.

  “Just a coffee,” Lily told the waitress and stared at the TV.

  “Aren’t you hungry?” Nancy asked with a surprised voice.

  “No.”

  “You should eat something, Lily,” Nancy insisted. “What’s going on with you? I told you, don’t let yourself get hung up on–”

  “It’s not about him,” Lily cut her off stiffly. “I’m just not hungry.” She looked up at the black-haired, eager waitress and said confidently, “Really, just a cup of warm coffee.” The waitress nodded and walked away.

  Lily laced her fingers together, looking after the waitress and then at the TV as though Nancy wasn’t even present. Nancy regarded her with a severe look, narrowing her eyes.

  “How were your classes?” Nancy asked.

  “Fucked up,” Lily mouthed at her. “How were yours?”

  “Something like that,” Nancy replied with a grin, but her friend didn’t respond in kind. She sighed. “Don’t you want to talk about him?”

  Finally, she got Lily to look at her. Lily’s eyes became wider than usual, and Nancy recognized a kind of fear in them.

  “What did we drink yesterday?” Lily asked abruptly.

  “Why do you ask?”

  Lily exhaled, tilting her head down. “It might seem crazy, but the first time I saw him I saw a pair of wings on his back.” Her voice sounded incredulous even to her. She felt a flutter in her stomach.

  “What?” Nancy’s eyes widened, and she looked hard at Lilt for some seconds. “What do you mean, you saw wings? Like an angel’s?”

  “Yeah,” Lily shrugged and pursed her lips. Her right hand trembled nervously and she pulled it back, hiding it under the table. “I saw him standing upstairs. He looked down at me and then there were two gray wings on his back.”

  “A hallucination?” Nancy put in, still wearing a distinctly astonished look.

  “It has to have been. How could anybody have wings? What do you think?”

  “Of course he couldn’t have had them,” Nancy choked and pulled herself together quickly. “You were probably drunk.”

  “Yes, I was,” Lily responded, “but only until I saw him.”

  “Lily, you don’t think you actually met an angel or something, do you?” Nancy sounded shocked. Her hand crawled over the table to meet Lily’s.

  “I don’t know. I thought it was because of the alcohol at first, I really did,” Lily replied, averting her eyes. She looked over at the TV instead. “But the feelings he awakened in me…Nobody ever made me feel like that before.”

  “Lily, stop it. You’re just imagining things, Mike and I couldn’t see anything like that–”

  “But maybe it works only on me,” Lily wondered aloud.

  “What?” Nancy leaned back against the chair and stared at her friend, wholly taken aback. “Are you out of your mind?” She sniffed waspishly. “Lily, you’re getting carried away. Angels only exist in books, not in the real world. I think you’re overthinking the situation, that’s all. This is real life, not a bizarre fantasy book. You just need to move on.”

  “Yeah, well, I tried to do that yesterday,” Lily remarked curtly, before she buried her gaze in the TV again.

  “You know,” Nancy began slowly, “just think about what this situation looks like from my side, okay?” She waited for Lily to say something back, but the latter continued staring on the TV. “Lily, you just had a little fun with a cute guy. It’s the kind of thing I used to do all the time before I met Mike. Are you listening to me?” Nancy’s voice sounded angry now.

  “Look,” Lily shushed her and pointed at the TV.

  Nancy looked, and her jaw dropped as she saw the man on the TV. It was his – the stranger’s from the club – picture on the lunch time news.

  “Samael Eden, the director of one of the biggest transportation firms in the country, has dissolved his agreement with the Russian magnate Vitali Ivanov,” announced a blonde-haired news woman. Then there was footage of Samael climbing down the stairs of his firm. A lot of journalists with microphones and cameras ran to meet him, but Samael refused to answer any of their questions.

  Lily didn’t listen to what the news woman was saying about one of the richest young men in the world. All she could focus on were those incredible green eyes that had so enthralled her last night. Again an inexplicable feeling arose inside her, and she yearned to be locked in his warm arms and to have his lips on hers. The feeling lasted less than two seconds and dissolved quickly.

  “Oh
, bingo,” the words escaped Nancy’s mouth instinctively, catching Lily’s attention. She frowned at her friend. “At least, we know he’s a human now,” Nancy teased. “Samael Eden,” she went on, now looking at Lily. “That’s a strange name, don’t you think?”

  “What was his name?” Lily asked. She felt her stomach clench.

  “Samael Eden,” Nancy said, and crossed her legs. “Did you hear who he was?”

  “I don’t think I did,” Lily stammered, her fingers began trembling again.

  “Come back to earth, baby,” Nancy jabbed Lily’s arm. “His name is Samael Eden. Did he mention it at all when you met?”

  “No,” Lily murmured. “He just talked about taking me home, that’s all.”

  “But are you sure this is the same guy?”

  “Positive,” she agreed.

  “What was such a rich guy doing in the club, then?” Nancy asked pensively.

  That moment the waitress came up, setting Lily’s coffee and Nancy’s lunch on the table.

  “Thank you,” Nancy said.

  Lily reached for the cup and took a sip of warm coffee, still wandering somewhere in her memories.

  “Do you remember his car? What kind of make was it?” Nancy interrupted her.

  “I don’t know,” Lily replied, still preoccupied. “I don’t know much about cars, but it seemed very expensive.”

  “Then it must’ve been him, no doubt.”

  The door of the café swung open, and Mike slid in wearing a happy expression. He looked around and saw the girls in the corner. As he approached them there was a big smile on his face.

  “Hey, girls,” he burst out, bending forward to kiss Nancy on the lips.

  “Mike,” Nancy said. “You’re late. Sit.”

  Mike sat down beside her and looked from her to Lily. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”

  “Yeah,” Lily said in an undertone, although in truth she was far from okay.