Never Sleep

by Cady Vance

  “I don’t understand.” I shake my head. “A new personality?”

  “This is what the Clinic has been working toward all these years,” he says in a quiet voice. “Developing a way to inject Personalities into living human bodies. Unfortunately, you’re the only subject we’ve been able to make any sort of progress with, and it’s been slow going. We think you’re ready now though.”

  My hands grip the sides of the bed, fingers digging in as hard as they can, while I try to process his words. Everything I’ve ever known about myself, about the Clinic, it all comes rushing through my head in a whirl of realization.

  “You were never trying to cure our insomnia,” I say. “Were you?”

  He pats my knee, and I cringe away from his touch. “No, kiddo. We weren’t. Your insomnia is a good thing for us. The longer you go without sleep, the more susceptible your brain is to accepting a new Personality.”

  And it all makes sense. The stages, the close observations in the Clinic, the way they didn’t want to give me any sleeping medication. The Polysomnagraphy to test my hallucinations. It was all a way to get my brain ready for…a new person.

  “Why?” I ask. “Why go through all this just to make me someone else?”

  “The Personalities are only to be temporary. For renting.” He pats my knee again. “Our investors are willing to pay a lot of money to rent these Personalities for a short period of time. We can make you anyone we want you to be, as long as we have the right data of course.”

  Personalities. Renting. My head spins as I repeat these words to myself over and over and over again. The Clinic, all this time. They’ve been priming me so I can be turned into someone else who can be rented out to these investors. For more money. Probably way more money than my parents spend to keep me safe. The possibilities of this are more than I can fathom right now. Who will they make me be? Someone who has died? Another Doctor Clark? I shudder at the thought.

  “I’ll be right back.” My head snaps up to see him moving to the door in jerky movements, as if this Personality is not fully accustomed to Aiden’s robotic body. “I’m going to check on the doctor’s whereabouts. Hang in there, kiddo.”

  And with that, he is gone and I am locked all alone with my thoughts and the new knowledge I have gained.

  I’ve always known deep down inside there was more going on here than they shared. I knew there were explanations I hadn’t considered. But this…this can’t be right. How would anyone let something like this happen? And then things begin clicking together even more. It explains why Doctor Jeremy and his ‘task team’ were investigating the place, trying to take it down. This has to be illegal.

  I notice my case folder sitting on the operating tray next to me. Snatching it open, I flip to the ‘notes’ section underneath a big stamp labeling me as a Deluxe patient. I scan the words, sucking in breath through my teeth.

  Basic information: The Thora Green body is the first successful Personality transplant. However, the new Personality has become a permanent fixture in the Thora Green body, making it difficult to replicate the results. Due to this permanence, we will hereafter refer to the new Personality as the Thora Green Personality.

  History of the Thora Green Personality: When the Original Thora Green mind was unable to be revived under standard Galvanism procedures, the parents of the Thora Green body consented to allowing a new Personality to be transplanted into the Thora Green body and to continuing as guardians and caretakers of the Thora Green body. The new Personality originated from a patient of the same sex and age as the Thora Green body. This Personality was prime for the experiment as the guardians were in the accident, were deceased, and the subject’s body had faced too much damage to be used in a standard Galvanism procedure. The new Thora Green Personality was and will not be informed of her origin to best examine the long-term success of the Personality transplant.

  The papers slip from my fingers and flutter to the floor. I am not me.

  Thirty-Six

  The lack of sleep combined with electrical currents make the mind susceptible to re-organization and re-wiring.

  - Personality Procedure Manual

  I am not me. I am not me. I am not me.

  This is not my body. These are not my fingers. This is not my foot. My fingers grip my head. This is not my red hair. I probably never even had red hair. And if this is not my hair, then Odin is not my brother. And my parents…I am not their daughter. It all makes sense now. Why they treated me differently than Odin. Why they seemed to hate my presence. The strange look in my mother’s eyes when she looked at me.

  I am not Thora Green.

  Something inside me snaps. They’ve gone too far. This place. They’ve done too much to me. I am not going to let them do anything else. I don’t care that I am some strange Personality they’ve put inside some dead girl’s body, I am still me, and I will hold on as tight as I can to my existence.

  They aren’t erasing me for someone else. I won’t let them.

  My eyes swim with stinging tears as I pat the second needle I have stuck inside my long sleeves. I prance over to the door, hold myself steady and wait like a provoked tiger. My breaths are shallow as I suck air in and out of my flared nostrils. I push what I’ve just now discovered into a little tiny box and hold it in there as tight as I can. I will deal with it later. I will try to figure out how I feel about who and what I am, but right now I have to fight for my survival.

  I will not let them break me. Not even now.

  “There’s another disturbance outside. We have to stay in here.” The Doctor Clark Aiden robot opens the door and rushes inside. I throw myself into him. They won’t hurt me anymore. They won’t. He roars at me, but I don’t stop. My hands find the robot’s arms, fingernails digging into his fake skin.

  The robot whirls on me. Fury burns in his eyes, a flickering fire consuming the green. The taser I’d forgotten about soars through the air. Closer and closer. I hold out my arms to block him, but he just brushes my hands aside like I’m a fly caught in the crossfire.

  He shoves the taser against my chest, right at the place where my heart beats madly inside me. I freeze. I swallow hard. This is it.

  This is goodbye.

  His face contorts into a grotesque version of himself, half-Aiden and half-Doctor Clark, like some weird battle is going on inside his head. He grunts. His hands shakes. His hesitation gives me just enough time for me to yank the second needle from my sleeve and send my arm flying to his neck, to the spot where Aiden showed us his wires.

  The needle connects and sinks into his neck. Sparks jolt my fingers, and I let go, stumbling backward. The robot howls in pain, his body bucking, electricity shooting off his skin. Now is the time to run, but I can’t move. I stand watching the horror of what is happening to Aiden, what I’ve done to him. He crashes to the ground. He bucks on the tiled floor, kicking and twitching and trembling. I have a horrible feeling in my gut at leaving him like this, even after everything he’s done.

  He looks up at me, face contorted in pain, and for a moment, I see a flash of something familiar in his eyes. Something so much like Aiden, my heart hurts. “Run, Thora. While you can.” He hisses the words out between clenched teeth. “NOW.”

  I throw my feet forward, slippers sliding on the smooth surface. My heart pounds so hard and fast, I feel it echoing inside my head. I’m on the second floor, and I race as fast as my feet will move to the exit sign down the hallway.

  I yank open the door and slam into a man’s chest the size of a house. My lungs freeze.

  “Thora?” Doctor Jeremy wears a panicked expression and squats down to eye level with me. “Is that you in there, sweetheart?”

  Tears well in my eyes, and I don’t know whether to nod or shake my head. Is it me in here? I throw that thought right back into my box and slam the lid on it.

  “I think so.” My voice trembles. “Why are you here?”

  “The task team is here to shut the place down.” He pushes away the strands of h
air plastered to my cheeks and forehead. “By the look on your face, I’m guessing you’ve been told. What’s been happening here. What you are?”

  I nod.

  His kind eyes have never looked so good to me. I just want to curl up against his massive chest, give in to my emotions and let the tears eke out of my eyes. But I know I have to be strong. I’m not out of the Clinic yet.

  “You’ll be okay, I promise.” His head jerks to the side at a crashing sound nearby. “You have to get out of here though, or the team will take you in. I’ll distract them. You go out the back door. Your brother and two other kids are waiting a block away. They demanded to come and get you themselves, but I promised them I’d get you out safely.”

  He stands and pulls open the door. Before I can react, he’s unholstering a gun and shooting it down the hall in the opposite direction of the back door. With one quick glance at me, he mouths, “Go.”

  My body doesn’t want to move, but I push into the hall and pound the checkered tiled floor. Behind me, I hear the hallway doors thrown open and more fired shots. I don’t dare look to see who is there and what is happening. I just run, blind to everything around me until suddenly I am at the back door. I throw it open and hurl myself through, out into sunshine so bright I cannot see.

  I don’t wait. My feet move fast. I stumble down the sidewalk and reach the end of the block. Odin waves wildly at me from the opposite side of the street. I rush to him and my friends without waiting even a beat. As I run across the street, Lucas waves down a passing taxi. He yanks open the door, and we all pile inside. My breath catches in my throat, blood roaring in my ears.

  Lucas leans forward as the taxi driver swivels his head. “We have to go, mate. Now!” His voice leaves no room for argument.

  “Are you okay?” Odin throws his arms around me, and I bury my head in his chest. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.

  Thirty-Seven

  To sleep, perchance to dream.

  - Insomniac Cafe Welcome Sign

  The cab drops us off at the cluster of insomniacs waiting at the northwest corner of Union Square Park, bringing us full circle to where we started this crazy journey. The kids still look dazed and confused, but some clarity is beginning to creep back into their eyes. Lottie beams at us when we tiredly climb from the cab.

  “I can’t believe it worked,” Lottie says, grin broadening. “I mean, seriously. How freakin’ awesome are we?”

  Florence hooks her thumb in my direction. “You should’ve stayed. Thora here stabbed a guy with a needle.”

  Lottie breaks out into laughter, but all I can do is frown at the ground. On the cab ride here, I filled everyone in on what happened to me in the Clinic, no longer caring what the cab driver overheard. They were as shocked and appalled as I was about the truth behind the Clinic’s existence. The only thing I didn’t share with them was the truth about myself. I know I’ll tell them when I’m ready, but it’s something I need to deal with on my own before telling my brother and my friends. I trust them to accept me for who I really am, but I need to accept who I am first. And I don’t know how I’m going to do that.

  “Everyone ready to go to the Cafe?” Lucas asks. “It’s only a short walk from here. You guys can make it, then?”

  Florence and Lottie fist pump the air while the other insomniacs nod, a sure sign the effects of the drug are wearing off. Lucas squeezes my hand, and I look up at him with a sad smile. On my other side, Odin stands breathing in deep gulps of fresh air, grin brightening up his face to match the new day’s sun. No matter who or what I am, at least my brother—real one or not—is alive and here with me now. We are finally on our way to the Insomniac Cafe.

  Lucas leads us away from the blinking lights and honking taxis, down a quiet tree-lined street. Several dog-walkers pass by and glance at our odd group. I know we must be a sight. Five of us clad in thin hospital gowns, Odin in scrubs, me with my rat nest of red hair and Florence with her smudged makeup as she dances down the street. But I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m too focused on the set of stone stairs where Lucas has stopped. My breath hangs in my throat. I look up to see an old pre-war apartment building.

  “This is it?” I ask him, surprised.

  Lucas nods and rocks back on his heels with a satisfied smile lighting up his face.

  “It’s beautiful, but I guess I just thought…”

  “That it’d be a cafe or something,” Florence finishes for me. “Since, you know, it’s called the Insomniac Cafe.”

  “That’s part of the secret,” he answers before taking the stone steps two at a time. He rings the middle doorbell for Floor 3. A few long seconds later, a loud staticky noise emits from the speaker.

  “Who’s there?” a male, youthful-sounding voice asks.

  “It’s me, Gabe. Lucas.”

  A pause. “I’ll be right down.”

  When the static falls away, Lucas turns to our group waiting on the sidewalk. “Just be prepared, right? He might not be chuffed I brought you round.”

  I cannot let myself believe Gabe won’t let us in. For us to have gone through everything we have, for us to have come this far and then not get inside the Cafe…I squeeze my eyes tight. It just isn’t a possibility. Gabe can’t be that cruel.

  The front door opens to reveal a boy only a couple years older than me with buzz-cut dark hair, clear eyes and pale skin. He sweeps his gaze over each one of us before settling a concerned look of disapproval on Lucas.

  “Lucas, what have you done?” he asks.

  “You bloody well listen to me,” Lucas says, holding up his hands. “I know I’m not meant to bring them round, but we’ve been through hell and back tonight. Er, last night and this morning, right? And they all need a place to stay.”

  “Are these the ones who got caught by the Sleepers?”

  “Right. These girls here,” Lucas says, gesturing to me, Florence and Lottie, “managed to break us all out of the Clinic. They well deserve to be let in. Plus, we have some serious information we need to share with everyone.”

  Gabe sighs. “Even if I decide to believe everyone here is a true insomniac, you could have been followed here, Lucas. You’re putting the whole group in danger. It’s why we have these rules. To keep everyone safe.”

  “I’m sorry.” I step forward. “It’s not his fault. I asked him to bring us here, and I know he feels terrible that he wasn’t able to keep us safe. But we really deserve to be let in here after our night.”

  “How do I know that you aren’t one of them?” Gabe asks. “This is why we set up the search the way we do. You have to prove yourself, and you have to do the tests. You can’t just know where we are. How else do you think we’ve managed to avoid being found for so long? They want to find us, and once they do, they’ll haul all of us back in for experiments.”

  I fall silent.

  “Well, then we’ll do the fucking tests.” Florence steps to my side. “We’re here. Let’s prove it to you.”

  Gabe sighs and runs a hand over his face. “Are you sure no one’s followed you?”

  “I’m certain,” Lucas says.

  A girl with a mass of blond hair streaks past Gabe and down the stairs, face lit up in a brilliant smile. She hurtles right to me, throws her arms around my neck and knocks the breath out of me.

  “Hey, Gemma,” I say with a choke, squeezing tight right back. “We found you.”

  She laughs into my hair. “I didn’t expect anything less.”

  When she pulls back, her gaze is immediately drawn to Odin. I turn away, not wanting to intrude on the moment even though it’s nothing but public with all these other insomniacs around. I hear Odin oomph as she launches herself into his arms. He laughs, sounding lighter than I’ve heard him sound in a really long time.

  Gemma pivots after pulling away, pointing a finger at Gabe. “I vouch for the quality of these insomniacs. They are awesome incarnate. Now, let them in.”

  “Alright, fine,” Gabe
says, pushing the door open before holding up a hand. “But everyone has to do the tests within the next day or two. Got it?”

  We all nod.

  “Come on in, then,” he says.

  Even after everything I’ve found out about us, and about me, a small smile blooms on my face as I walk through the front door with Florence and Lucas on my either side, Gemma and Odin at my back. We press up the hardwood stairs and finally into the Insomniac Cafe.

  ***

  We are taken inside a nice but comfortable living room. A few other insomniacs are clustered around a television, sprawled out on bean bags and large sinking couches. I look at them curiously, wondering what their story is. They look happy and relaxed. A couple of them grip video game controllers, shouting over each other every time something explodes on the screen.

  “Hey guys, can you give us a few minutes?” Gabe asks them. They nod and jump up from their seats, leaving the game on pause before strolling through an open door leading somewhere else in the apartment.

  “Alright, everyone sit down. We have this whole building, and there are lots of open beds right now, so we have plenty of room for everyone. We can start on the tests now for those of you who are up for it. I know some of you must be dying to sleep.” He pauses, and my breath catches in my throat. This is it. The moment I’ve been waiting for. My eyes find Odin, his arms wrapped around Gemma, and his grin is so wide it must hurt. “We have a supply of medication that will put you out for several hours. We’re working on a cure, but for now, this will get you the rest you need.”

  The whole room bursts out in excited whispers, and soon Florence is clapping her hands. I find that I am leaning my body forward, hope bubbling up like a geyser. The aches in my body come alive, throbbing and twitching and stinging and biting, as if my muscles somehow know that sleep is in my grasp.

  “Tomorrow, we’ll do a sort of group orientation for everyone. Introduce you to the other kids. Tell you the rules and all that.” He meets my eyes before continuing. “I know I seemed like a asshole outside before, but our secrecy is what keeps us safe. We can’t be found out, especially while we’re trying to find a cure.” He pauses and glances at Lucas, and then Gemma. “I trust these guys, and I know Lucas wouldn’t bring you here unless he was absolutely certain. But I want you to realize I’m going out on a limb here, taking you in without proof first. It’s not how we do things.”