Knocked Up

by Christine Bell

  She'd checked the box again, re-read the instructions, tried to convince herself she was reading the device wrong, but there was no escaping the truth.

  She, Tawny Mitchell, Honor Roll student and all around goody-goody, was pregnant.

  She closed her eyes and tried to focus on the low thumping of music from Suzette's adjoining bedroom, tried to breathe in time with the music to keep herself from hyperventilating. After all, that couldn't be good for the baby.

  A wave of nausea stole over her at the thought and she got down on her knees, ready to heave in the toilet bowl, when someone knocked, loud and insistent, on the door.

  “Shit," Tawny murmured, then stuffed the box and test strips into her purse before saying, "Just a minute."

  "Relax, it's just me. My mom and dad still aren't home yet. I just wanted to know...you've been in there a while."

  "Right, yeah, I've...I've just been waiting. Should show up any minute."

  "Do you want me to come in there with you, maybe?"

  "No," she answered too quickly, and there was a little pause on the other side of the door before Suzette spoke again.

  "All right, well, I'll be out here, then. When you're ready."

  Tawny listened as her friend's footfalls grew fainter, and then she leaned her forehead against the tacky wallpaper and sighed.

  She had to make a choice. Had to decide whether to tell Suzette the truth or... or what? Pretend that she was getting very fat in one particular area? Maybe she could just start eating a lot more, get fat everywhere and she'd have nine months to kill before she had to fess up.

  She breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth, then shook her head.

  Eight months. She was probably already a month along, after all. So...she had eight months.

  The terror at the back of her neck trickled back down her spine and settled low in her gut, coiling itself around the tiny little heartbeat she imagined she could feel inside.

  She'd always wanted a family, it was true. She'd even wanted to have her kids at a young age. But to have a baby now? When she didn't have a job? Didn't have a home to call her own? Or even a father for the baby she was carrying?

  She thought of Luke for the first time and her heart flipped over. It wasn't that he'd left without a word. He’d kissed her gently afterwards. Had helped her dress and walked her back to shore. He’d even asked her to stay longer when she tried to leave early. And when the night was over, he’d asked for her number, which she’d given him.

  What had happened between them, stupid as it was in hindsight, had been special. Pretty perfect, as far as first times went, if one discounted the fact that they’d both lost their minds and hadn’t even considered birth control. In fact, even the days following, she’d managed to block that part from her mind. So sure that the fates couldn’t be so cruel. So sure that she wouldn’t pay such a steep price for the one moment of irresponsibility in her otherwise pretty frigging boring and all-too responsible life.

  What a moment it had been, though. Despite her current dilemma, she couldn’t deny that, even now, thoughts of it made her upper lip break out in a fine sheen of sweat.

  Afterward, about a week later, Luke had even called her. But, coward that she was, she hadn't had the nerve to call him back. There was no way a guy like Luke would ever want to be with her for more than a bit of fun, and practical Tawny didn’t have time for fun. It was better to view it for what it was and let it hold a special but isolated place in her heart. So she’d tried to put everything that happened that night by the lake in the back of her memories and keep it there, never to be thought of again except in her dreams.

  Now, though?

  Now she had no choice. In fact, at this moment, she was pretty sure it would be all she would think about ever again for the rest of her life.

  She shot a glance to her purse and squeezed her eyes closed. That night would always be the night that had changed her life forever. And Luke...didn't he deserve to know that?

  The thumping beat of Suzette's radio stopped as one song came to an end and Tawny stood up, righted herself, and stared into the mirror.

  "You don't have to solve everything right now,” she told her reflection quietly. Apparently, though, her expression hadn't been listening, because the panic in her eyes was probably clear from outer space.

  Still, she could only work with what she had.

  Slowly, she left the room and double-checked her purse to make sure she'd taken both pregnancy tests along with her. Then, she opened the door to Suzette's room to find her friend sprawled on her bed, scrolling through her Facebook feed. The second Tawny closed the door behind her, though, Suzette was sitting bolt upright, eyes wide as she waited to hear what Tawny had to say.

  "It was inconclusive,” Tawny murmured with a shrug, attempting to fashion her numb lips into some facsimile of a smile. "We'll try again in a couple weeks, you know, if we need to."

  Suzette's shoulders, which had been hiked somewhere around her ears, loosened, and she breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, good. That means you're probably not pregnant. Still, if you want, we can go and get another brand or make an appointment at the--"

  "No, no, it's okay. I think we've had enough excitement for one day." Tawny tried her best to sound normal and upbeat, and though it felt forced, apparently it sounded convincing enough to fool Suzette.

  "All right, then. How about some food?” Suzette patted her flat belly, already distracted by her audibly growling stomach. “I'm starving."

  Tawny followed Suzette down the stairs and into the wide, marble kitchen where Suzette started rifling through cabinets and the fridge like she hadn't eaten in days.

  "You in the mood for anything?" Suzette asked, and when she looked up Tawny shook her head before sitting on one of the barstools at the long marble peninsula.

  "Well, I've been eating cereal, like, every day since school let out. I'm dying for some real food. Oh! I think there's leftover pizza,” Suzette chirped gleefully before rustling around again.

  Tawny looked on, trying her best to seem normal. To stay in the moment instead of slipping into the complete and total devastation sinking deeper and deeper into her bones.

  If she had this baby, she could kiss her prospective job at the school goodbye. Who would hire an unwed pregnant woman in a town this small for a job like this? By the time term started, she'd be well into her second trimester. It was useless. She could, maybe, try to find a job as a clerk at the University, and the snack cake factory on the edge of town was always hiring...

  Dear god, what had she done?

  She swallowed hard as Suzette finished asking her a question she hadn't heard. “Uh, sorry, what?"

  "Nothing. I was just saying...well, now that it's not really anything to worry about." Suzette slapped the cold pizza onto a baking pan and shoved it in the oven. "You and Luke would have made a cute baby together. Can you imagine the springy little brown ringlets with his blue eyes?" She sighed and kicked the oven door closed. "Maybe you should try again,” she said with a wink. “It was fun trying, no?”

  “Suzette—” Tawny started, but Suzette barked out a laugh.

  "Relax, it was just a joke. I know the same as everyone that the Anderson boys are trouble. But damn if they aren't sinful to look at."

  “Yeah," Tawny agreed, and she thought of Luke again.

  Luke Anderson, the rolling stone of Alhouette.

  "Definitely not father material," Tawny said, and Suzette nodded.

  Still, she thought of what Suzette said and imagined the baby for the first time. Not the idea of the baby--not the price of the crib and stroller and diapers--but the baby itself. Maybe it would be a little girl with springy brown hair like her own and bright blue eyes like Luke. Maybe he'd be a rambunctious little boy with a penchant for trouble. It didn't matter.

  It would be a tiny person who would smile up at her and love her almost as much as she would love it. Someone she could raise in a little town like this and give the upb
ringing she'd never had. They'd have Suzette, even if they didn't have Luke. And the baby would always have her.

  Then, somehow, even though her heart was still racing harder and faster than it ever had before, even though she was sure she couldn't say the words "I'm pregnant" aloud, a little spark of hope had lighted somewhere deep inside her, and she'd be hard pressed to put it out.

  "So what would you have done?" Suzette asked, and Tawny looked up at her, blinking herself back to reality.

  "What do you mean?"

  "I mean, if you were pregnant. What would you do? Would you give the baby up for adoption or--?"

  "I'd keep it,” Tawny said, the truth of her words settling over her like a blanket, warming the solid block of ice that had formed in her chest. "No doubt about it. I'd keep it."

  Chapter 6

  The twang of Rex's pop-country bullshit music filled the garage, but Luke ignored it as best he could, trying instead to focus on a particularly stubborn bolt that refused to come loose.

  Grabbing a cloth from a nearby table, he scrubbed the grease from his fingers and then dragging the back of his hand over his forehead. Come hell or high water, he was going to finish working on this bike tonight and then...

  Then he would have even more time to obsess over Tawny, he thought with an internal grunt.

  He didn't know what it was, but ever since that night on the lake, he hadn't been able to get her out of his head. The first month had been bad enough. There had been the nagging hope that she’d call him back, or ask Suzette to talk to Rex about him. But as one month spilled into the next and summer was coming to a close, he was finally giving up hope.

  A few times he'd considered whether he just felt guilty that she'd been a virgin or maybe if he was so fixated on her because she had looked so good in the moonlight, but even when he'd tried to distract himself with other girls, he couldn't get his mind off of her. Off the way she'd moved with him that night. Off the way her lips had felt, so warm and full against his own.

  Swallowing past the gritty tightness in his throat, he pushed the thought from his mind for what felt like the millionth time and tried to focus on what Rex was blathering on about.

  "I've been thinking a lot about Suzette lately,” he was saying, and Luke nodded before holding out his hand for the ratchet Rex was flipping absently in his hand.

  "Right. Give me that, will you?" He got back to his work, but, apparently unfazed by Luke's distraction, Rex kept talking.

  "It's just that she's not really my type, you know? Rich girl, too pretty for her own good.”

  "Right." Luke nodded. He could understand that more than his brother would ever know. A sweet, virginal girl like Tawny was the farthest thing from the type of women he was normally drawn to. She was too soft, too delicate.

  Maybe she had sensed that, too. Maybe that was the reason she hadn’t returned his call. As far as he could tell, she didn't exist in the world of social media, either, so that only left her friendship with Suzette as the remaining link between them. In a town this size, it was inevitable that he'd see her again some day, now that he knew who she was, but if he did, should he--

  "I mean, we're not from a bad family, but I can't help but think that maybe her parents won't approve. After all, a girl like that--"

  He blocked out the snatches of Rex's Suzette speech, which he’d heard a dozen times before, trying to make sense of his own thoughts.

  If he did run into her, what was it that he'd say to her? After all, it had already been months since he'd seen her. And, if he was being honest with himself, he half expected to see her everywhere he went. The expectation, the irritating anticipation was driving him insane. It wasn't like him. Maybe if he just went to see her, he could get it all out of his head. Surely she couldn’t be nearly as perfect as his memory of her. Not that it mattered. He was out of here as soon as humanly possible, so what would be the point anyway?

  "Do you think it's possible?" Rex asked, and Luke made a noncommittal sound before diving back into his own thoughts.

  Maybe he could just ask her why she'd never bothered to call him back, though…

  It was possible, he supposed, that the sex hadn't been as good as he remembered. That, somehow, in his bleary, half-concussed state he'd simply remembered it differently than she did. But then, he remembered the way her back had arched, and the way she'd cried out when she came.

  Twice.

  Then there was no doubt. The sex had most definitely not been the problem.

  But then what was it?

  A dull, thudding pain began on the side of his head and he raised his hand to the spot only to look up and find his brother standing above him, another bigger wrench in his hand.

  "What the hell was that for?" Luke asked, rubbing the spot that Rex had tapped him in.

  "Because you're an asshole."

  "What the fuck?"

  "I just asked if you wanted to join me while I streaked down Main Street and you nodded. What the hell is going on?"

  "Jesus, nothing. I’m sick of listening to the same old same old with you. Just fucking ask her out already, would you? You’re worse than Ross and Rachel, for fuck’s sake, and I’m tired of tuning in to see if they will or if they won’t.”

  "Nope, don’t blame me. You’re the one with the problem. Get up,” he demanded, setting the ratchet on the floor with a clatter. “Tell me why you've been a surly, killjoy prick for weeks." Rex crossed his arms over his chest and Luke curled his lip in reply.

  "Who the hell are you now, Doctor Phil? Mind your own god damned business."

  Rex moved to pull Luke up by the scruff of his neck, but Luke shoved him, hard. "Back off."

  Rex shoved him back and Luke lost balance as he connected with the floor. For a moment, he considered sweeping out his foot and taking Rex's legs out from under him and making this an old school tussle. But then he glanced up to find genuine concern in his brother's face and he sighed deeply before getting to his feet and making his way toward the garage's little mini fridge. Grabbing two beers, he wiped the sweat from the outside of the can and then popped the top before taking a long pull from one.

  He handed the unopened can to Rex who eyed it momentarily before taking it.

  "Come on. Let’s go get some fresh air and I'll tell you what's going on.” He paused to hold up a warning finger. “But if you try to get all Oprah on me, I swear to god that I will never tell you anything ever again."

  Rex didn't bother to respond, but instead followed Luke as he led him toward the huge oak tree in the middle of the backyard. In the kitchen window, they could see their mother feeding the baby a late lunch, a splatter of strained peas decorating her white blouse like a Jackson Pollock painting.

  “So, spill it,” Rex demanded, settling himself on the grass beside Luke.

  "You remember the night by the lake, the first race of the summer?”

  "You're not still worried about that?” Rex asked with a snort. “You won the next three. And the next race in September is the biggie. You'll make twice as much."

  Luke shook his head. "No, no nothing like that. It's just...you remember Suzette's hot friend?"

  “Tawny?” Rex’s brow furrowed as he stared off into space like he was trying to recall her, exactly. “She did look good that night, but I'm not sure I would call her hot. Cute, maybe, or—”

  Luke sliced a frustrated hand through the air. ”Just shut up, okay? I slept with her,” he blurted.

  Rex blinked and then shrugged. “Yeah. And?”

  "And, well, I think she was a virgin. I mean, I'm pretty sure she was."

  "Okay. Well, that...sucks?" Rex raised his eyebrows. "I'm sorry, I'm still not seeing the problem,” he added with a shrug.

  "Well, I called her but she didn’t call me back, and I can't get her the fuck out of my head. It's like she's haunting me or something. I just want to talk to her. Make sure she’s okay. See how she’s doing.”

  And if she wants to have an encore, a mocking voice in his head
piped in.

  "So, you've been pissy for months because...you're interested in a girl?" Rex chuckled. "I had no idea you were such a pussy."

  "I will not hesitate to punch you directly in the scrotum." Luke showed his brother his fist and he seemed to get the message.

  Crossing his legs at the ankle in a clear effort to protect himself, Rex said, "Right, okay. So you like Tawny. Maybe she changed her number or something. All I have to do is ask Suzette for it and then--"

  "No, don't get Suzette involved. She's the biggest loud mouth in town. Besides, I'm leaving soon. It's a bad idea to get involved with Tawny. I'm not, like, looking to date her, I'm just trying to figure out what’s up, you know?"

  "Maybe you're not the stallion of a lover you thought you were," Rex offered helpfully, but when Luke cracked his knuckles, he rushed to offer an alternative. "Or, more likely, it has nothing to do with you. She’s probably got her own life to live and things she’s doing, is all. And making room for a grease monkey who isn’t exactly known for long relationships might not be high on her list of priorities. From what I’ve heard from Suzette and seen the few times I met Tawny before, she seems really low key and kind of shy. Maybe she’s embarrassed and wants to forget it happened?”

  The thought irked him, because he sure as shit wished the same and so far? It wasn’t happening.

  “Fine. Either way, though, I just want to know. It's like...I don't know. I want it out of my head once and for all.”

  Rex shrugged. "So go find her, then. What’s the worst that could happen if you hunt her down and ask? You find her and she says your dick was just too huge for her."

  Luke took a sip of his beer and chuckled. "That's probably what it was."

  "But seriously, man. Life's only so long. Just go for it, you know?"

  Luke considered his brother, then took another slug of his drink.

  It wasn't the most convincing argument in the world, but at this rate he could hardly think of something else to solve his problem. He'd find this girl and figure things out--even if it meant asking her flat out what had happened that night, but he wasn't going to get Rex or Suzette involved. He had to find her on his own and then ask the question that had been haunting him for the past few months.