Too fucking bad, she didn't have a choice.
If she was going to leave him, she sure as hell wasn't going to leave behind everything that reminded him of her, too. Their child would soon be reminder enough.
So he drove to her apartment and dropped the boxes off in front of her door, careful not to make a sound, then, when he'd unloaded everything, he got back in his car, slammed the door and hit the road.
He didn't know where he was going or why--all he knew was that he had to do something to get out of his own head and focus.
Focus on himself and the fact that now he would be a single father.
The fact that after all these years of needing so desperately to be in a better situation than his parents, he'd landed exactly where they'd started out...except worse.
She'd already tried to keep their baby from him once and now she was doing it again. Visitation every other weekend wasn't fatherhood. Hell, seeing his kid three times a week wasn't even fatherhood.
Being there in the middle of the night when they had a bad dream and taking care of them when they come home sick from school? That's what he wanted. Who knew what he'd miss? Not just the little stuff, but the big stuff, too. The first steps, his first word...the first time he smiled.
A tightness gripped his throat and he forced it down again. He'd have to find a way to make it bearable, that was all.
Without the baby in his life on a daily basis.
Without Tawny.
That was the part he’d been avoiding in his mind while he focused on his anger.
It wasn’t just about the baby. He loved Tawny. If there was no baby, he’d still want to marry her. Even now, his chest ached at the thought of life without her. The last thing he wanted was to let her go.
But it was no longer his choice.
Tawny had walked out and she wasn’t coming back.
Chapter 21
She'd wanted to walk from Luke's--partially to clear her head and partially to try to reposition the baby from where it felt like he was hanging from her ribs like she was a jungle gym.
People talked all the time about the pain of pregnancy--about the torment of those last few weeks, with the baby's head pressing down on her and the pressure of the impending big day, but what nobody mentioned was the constant weird aches. Her back was close to breaking from the effort of carrying her tummy around and her stomach itself--which used to just be something of a less-than-convenient shelf--now felt like a live human was inside her, readying his way to come into the world.
Halfway to her apartment, she stopped to sit on a bench, then blew a little breath out her nose as tears threatened. God, that had been awful. He’d looked so stunned. So hurt. She’d wanted nothing more than to go back and tell him she’d changed her mind. That she’d made a horrible mistake.
But right on the heels of that thought, an image of Luke grinning from ear to ear as he stood outside the glowing sign of his brand new bike shop popped into her head and she clenched her jaw.
She’d done the right thing. Luke himself had told her how his parents had sacrificed everything for all of their foster kids and adopted children, and there was no way she was going to corner him into sacrificing for her. She hated hurting him and would mourn his loss in her life daily but that was better than seeing bitterness and resentment grow inside him, especially if it was aimed at her or the baby.
She could handle anything but that.
She glanced at the street sign and decided to waddle to Suzette's house. She knew better than to expect support on her decision, but at least she'd have a comfortable seat and a friendly ear.
When she'd finally made her way to the front door, she knocked, then placed her hand on her lower back for support. Suzette's mother opened the door, glanced at Tawny, then her tummy, and offered her a warm smile.
"One second, honey."
She jogged up the stairs then disappeared down the other side of the upstairs hallway just as Suzette appeared at the top of the steps.
"You did it, huh?" she asked.
She nodded. After all, what was there to say? She couldn't tell her about everything Luke had said--about the crushed, defeated look in his eyes when she'd lied to him.
He looked exactly how I feel, she thought, but there was nothing to be done about that either.
Not anymore.
"Come in." Suzette rushed down the steps, then curled her arm around Tawny's and led her toward the nearest sofa. It was the most uncomfortable piece of furniture in the house, but it had a sturdy back, and in the days since her tummy had overreached her ability to see her toes, she was beginning to realize the importance of proper lumbar support.
"How are you doing?" Suzette asked.
"I'm fine," Tawny said automatically.
"And how are you really?" Suzette challenged.
Tawny eyed her, wondering if she dare tell her friend exactly how awful she was feeling about this whole thing.
Suzette must’ve seen the hesitation in her face because she sighed. “Look, I don't agree with what you did, but I still know why you did it. I want to take care of you. Tell me, how are you?"
Luke’s eyes, so blue and clear, swam through her memory and she thought of the way he'd crumpled as she'd spoken--the shock and the alarm behind that cool blueness. The hurt.
Tears pricked at the back of her throat and she shook her head.
"It was terrible. Truly, truly terrible." She sniffed.
"You can cry if you want to cry," Suzette soothed.
"I know I did the right thing. Nobody can convince me otherwise but I had a dream too, you know? I wanted a family. A real family with Christmas and baseball practice and pot roast on Sunday nights. Sure, it happened earlier than I wanted, but I was starting to think I could have all of it with him and..." A tear finally slid down her cheek, scalding and shameful. "I never had that, you know? He has brothers and parents. All I have is me. What if it’s not enough?”
"You are plenty. You are the best thing a baby could have. You’re a wonderful person and you’re going to be a great mom.” Suzette wrapped her arm around her friend and Tawny let another tear fall before swiping it away.
Tawny shook her head. "I tried to force Luke into my dream and he had no place there. What kind of person am I that I never asked what would make him happy? What his dreams were?"
Suzette shook her head. "Sweetheart, I think you're getting a little emotional. When tomorrow comes, you'll be able to see everything more clearly."
"When tomorrow comes, I'll still be alone."
Suzette frowned, then, quirking her mouth to the side, she held up one finger. "Hang on right here for a minute. I have something I want to show you."
She rushed upstairs and Tawny waited, still doing her best to choke back the tears threatening her at the back of her throat and stinging the corners of her eyes.
When Suzette reappeared, it was with a computer in hand, and she took her seat again before placing the thing securely on her lap.
"What's all this?" Tawny asked.
On the web screen there was an image of a tiny little shack near the edge of the woods--the only thing recommending it was the massive barn near the edge of the trees, but the bricks were old and crumbly looking. The polite way to put it was likely that it had good bones, but not much else.
"I was thinking if you didn't break up with him today, you might be able to talk him into getting this place. It's on the edge of town—fifteen minutes closer to the city, and that barn could easily be converted into a bike shop, don't you think? It's already zoned residential and commercial because the woman who lived there was a hairdresser before she died. It’s super cheap and has been on the market forever.”
"How did she die?" Tawny asked, staring at the picture, trying not to let Suzette’s plot get the best of her and shake her resolve.
"Not important. There may have been...a grizzly murder. But that was ten years ago!” Suzette rushed to add, ignoring Tawny’s shocked gasp. “The house has been ab
andoned ever since and that’s why it’s such a steal, don't you think?"
Tawny raised her eyebrows. “Even if he didn’t care about the fact that the place is likely haunted and was the site of a murder, Luke doesn't want to live in Alhouette, Suze."
“No. He didn’t used to want to live in Alhouette. Now I’m convinced of that, way more importantly, he doesn't want to live without you." Suzette brushed her shoulder, then gave it a little squeeze. “The least you can do is come clean and give him the option. Don't you think?"
"But to put him through all that for nothing?" Tawny shook her head. "It's selfish. It's selfish to ask him to stay."
"It's selfish to take this baby from him, too," Suzette murmured and Tawny looked at the house again, trying to examine it with new eyes.
If the windows had shutters and flower boxes...if the floors were redone and the walls were painted? It might be a nice family home. And it was still close to Luke’s family and Suzette. It would be amazing if the baby had a chance to be with both his parents, but—
“Ah!"
A sharp pain pierced her insides, and she felt a strange sensation inside that seemed to travel. With a gasp, she looked down to find that her maternity pants were dark with something wet.
She could barely process what she was seeing as the pain subsided. Jesus. This was it. She was having the baby.
Panic threatened to take her over as she breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth--or was it in through her mouth and out through her nose? God, one contraction and she was already losing track of everything she'd learned through all her reading.
She shot an alarmed-looking Suzette a weak smile as she leaned back and breathed deep again. "I owe your parents a new couch. My water just broke.”
Suzette’s eyes widened and she let out a squeal. “This is the worst couch ever anyways. Oh my god, Tawny!”
"I know," Tawny said, the realization finally hitting her that it was time. It was really, finally time. "We're having a baby," she whispered, just as another wave of piercing hot pain shot through her. She was so happy that her friend was here for her, but in the deepest part of her, all she wanted was Luke…
Chapter 22
“I don't want some life where I'm stuck with you forever just because we had a baby together.”
Fuck, just thinking about how cold her face had been when she’d said those words chilled him to the bone.
It took him a second to realize he’d been standing, motionless, in front of a wall of diapers at the store for a solid five minutes and people were going to start wondering if he was having some sort of mental breakdown soon.
He was just about to go when he realized he was no longer alone as a hand on his shoulder made him turn around. How had he missed the signature smell of lavender and salt water on the air?
"Mom." His voice was hoarse and he cleared his throat before going on. "What are you doing here?"
“Stocking up on diapers for the little guy and figured I could pick you up a few things, too. Great minds." The gentle wrinkles around the corners of her eyes folded as she smiled at him, but the grin faded just as quickly as it had come. “On no. I know that look. What's wrong?" she said.
"Nothing. You should keep shopping and--"
"I know all of my children well enough to know when they’re blowing smoke up my bum. Now tell me what’s going on.”
He didn't want to. Even as he tried to get the words out, he realized that saying it aloud would somehow make what had happened more real. That the dark, twisted nightmare was his life.
“Is it something with Tawny? Your brother?” Her face went pale. “Is it the baby?”
He shrugged, knowing she wouldn't stop until the truth was out and he was only making his own misery hers. “No. No, the baby is fine. I...Tawny and I split up. So, it's stupid but I came here to buy a new crib for my loft and, like, a new stroller and highchair because I let Tawny keep everything we already had."
"Oh, honey," his mother said on a sigh as she patted his shoulder gently. “I’m so sorry.”
"It's okay. She didn't want any of the stuff but I'm the one with the steady job right now and I know she needs it so...well, anyway, here I am. But I’ve been walking around for an hour and I just don't know how any of it works. She was the one who did all the consumer reports research. I thought about getting the same things we had on our registry but--"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down there. You probably shouldn't be rushing into any big purchases," his mother said, holding up a hand.
"What do you mean? The baby will be here any day and I don't have anything for him. I have to get everything tonight. If I don't--"
"What I mean is this could easily just be a phase. You guys looked so happy the other night. It’s a highly emotional time and she’s young and afraid. Her mother isn’t around to help her through all this and her hormones are out of whack. Can’t you give it a little time to be sure this is really what she wants?”
"She made it very clear that she meant every word she said. She told me she never loved me."
His mother let out a crack of laughter and he glanced at her with a frown.
"Is something about that funny?"
"Well, it only proves my point, is all.” His mother shrugged, a half-smile tugging at her lips. “I saw that girl and she is in love with you, Luke. So whatever all this drama is, it has nothing to do with how she feels. Maybe it won’t work out. Maybe there are other issues at play, but I refuse to believe she doesn’t love you. Not after seeing you guys together.”
Luke shook his head, trying not to let his mother’s words give him false hope. “She also said she didn't want to be stuck with me forever. Not exactly the words of a woman in love,” he reasoned.
"Now that definitely doesn't sound like our Tawny," his mother said.
"I thought that too. She was always saying how much she wanted a close-knit family and wanted stability, but there's no reason for her to lie to me."
"Unless she's trying to drive you away." His mother adjusted the light shawl around her shoulders, her perceptive gaze drilling into his.
"Why the hell would she do that?" Luke demanded with a scowl.
She shook her head. “I can’t answer that, son. You might want to ask her that yourself. All I know is that that girl loves you and the fact that she's pregnant...well, maybe she's trying to make sure you're not with her for the wrong reasons. Do you love her?"
"Of course I do. I was..." he paused. He'd only told Rex about his plan but now seemed as good a time as any to share the news. "Mom. I was going to propose to her."
Her eyes lit up, and she gave him a solemn nod. "Then it sounds like you've got to win her back." She reached in front of him, grabbed the cheapest pack of diapers, and tossed it into her cart. “I’ve left your father with a naked toddler who could very well be marking my whole house right now, but if you need a guru for anything else, just remember I'm full of wisdom."
Luke rolled his eyes. "You got it."
As she disappeared down the aisle toward the registers, he stared down at his own cart and surveyed the contents.
Could she be right? Could Tawny be pushing him away, trying to save him from being stuck without realizing that the one and only thing he wanted anymore was her and their baby? She had been worried about it early on but he thought that they’d spent the past few months proving to each other exactly how much they were both invested in making things work. Should he have pressed harder when she’d told him she didn’t want to be with him? Had he missed an opportunity to show her how much he loved her?
There was only one way to find out.
Heart hammering, he pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through his contacts. He was on the point of dialing Tawny when Suzette's picture flashed big and bright on his phone. The little square vibrated in his hand and he clicked to answer it quickly before pressing it to his ear.
“Suze?"
"The baby is coming!” Suzette's drawl was so fast and shri
ll that at first he wasn't sure he'd heard her right.
“Wait, what?” The world seemed to stop spinning as his brain finally decoded her words.
"He's coming!” she squealed. “We're on our way to the hospital. You better get here soon. The contractions came hard and fast from the start, and her water broke already."
He opened his mouth to ask how Tawny was, if she was all right, but then the phone clicked off and he abandoned his cart as he rushed to the front of the store, practically tripping over an end cap as he ran.
"Forget your stuff," he shouted to his mom as he approached her in the line, "we're having a baby."
They were having a baby who could be there any second and Luke wasn't even there yet. Suddenly it didn't matter Tawny's reasoning for what she'd done--he knew the truth. There would never be another moment in his child's life that he was going to miss, never a time when he should be holding Tawny's hand that he wasn’t there for.
She really didn't love him?
Fine, he'd stick around until she did because there was nothing on this earth that was more important than his family--their family.
I’m coming, Tawny.
Chapter 23
He burst into the delivery room just as Suzette was pulling on a paper cap.
"Wait, wait, wait!” he panted. He'd sped all the way here from the baby store and abandoned his mother in the parking lot to sprint up three flights of stairs--worried that the elevator would take too long. This was his moment. The moment his family was going to come together, and he'd be damned if he was going to miss even a second of it. "I'm the father!"
Suzette's wide eyes stared up at him from beneath her blue medical cap, but he barely saw her. Right now, he only had eyes for Tawny. Tawny, whose face was set into a pained grimace as she grasped the edges of her bed until her knuckles turned white.
"Luke," Tawny groaned as her eyes rolled back in her head and she screamed loud and hard, her body shaking with the effort of her labor.
Knocked Up Page 15
