Tiny Dancer

by Patricia Hickman

  “I haven’t met anyone yet I would date,” I said, not at all forthcoming about Billy Thornton because he was too improbable as a suitor. “Quite a few of my friends are guys. Just friends, though.”

  “Good for you,” she said. “I got into boys way too early, the reason I never fully realized my dreams.”

  I felt a strange twinge of resentment, first of all that she wanted to advise me. Secondly, I could not tell whether or not she was referring to her mistake, that of marrying Daddy while pregnant with me.

  “You say you don’t drive yet. When I was your age, I couldn’t wait to start driving. I was too independent to want my mama driving me around town.”

  I did not know quite how to answer. When I imagined myself behind the wheel of a car, I felt a rush of anxiety. “There’s plenty of time for that,” I said. “Driver’s ed is this fall at my school. I’ve signed up for it.” Claudia had nagged me into it, for she had gotten her permit the year before.

  “Good for you. Under the circumstances, though, I can understand why you’d hesitate to drive for a while,” she said.

  “What circumstances?” I asked, confused since she really knew so little about me.

  She leaned back, pushing her brew aside. “I know what happened to you and your sister,” she said so quietly that I had to lean forward to hear her. While she looked deeply sympathetic, I was taken aback. “So you knew?” Since a calamity was normally the thing that drew a mother to her daughter’s side, I couldn’t think of what to say next. Nothing was appropriate, but then that had been the way of things between us since our first meeting.

  She looked away.

  “It’s just that, if you knew, it seems you would have come to see me, to check in on me.” A voice inside begged me to hold back from saying all I was thinking, but out it all spilled. “You knew I was in an accident yet you didn’t visit me in the hospital.”

  “It was in the papers after you’d already been released. I’ll admit, I was in agony not sitting at your side in the hospital.”

  “You’ve gotten good at exercising restraint then,” I said, and then thought, after years of practice.

  “I did call the hospital as soon as I read what happened. They’d discharged you, the nurse said. What could I do after all this time? Show up at your door, tell your daddy I was in the neighborhood and wanted to drop by?”

  I focused on the student seating himself on the sidewalk a few yards from us with a money pail and a guitar.

  “My darling daughter,” she said, tearing up. “I nearly died that night worried about what was going on, were you hurt? I didn’t know exactly.”

  “I heal fast, Daddy says,” I said. I was stunned when she brought out such an intentionally cold side of me.

  “But you’re here and that’s the good news.” She wiped her eyes, smearing mascara down one cheek. “Your stepmother must be destroyed about losing her youngest girl,” she said. “Just know she’ll never be the same.”

  “Yes, I know.”

  She joined me in watching the street musician. It was less awkward than our staring comfortably into one another’s face. The equity between us evaporated with talk of the accident.

  I had managed to organize a weak mental list of things I might ask her while riding the bus from Vineland to Raleigh. “You said you might move to California. Can you tell me about it?”

  “It’s a fantasy.” She disregarded the idea altogether.

  “Nothing wrong with dreaming,” I said. “What’s wrong with planning for what you want?”

  “Aren’t you smart?” she said, pride welling from her blue eyes. They were the bluest eyes. That was the one memory of her that had not changed. The fact I once danced inside the love of those eyes seemed a million miles from us now. She continued, saying, “I have met someone, a customer at the club.” She hesitated, for something she saw in my face, I guessed. I had none of Claudia’s skills with hiding my feelings. “It’s all respectable between us. I’m not, you know, anything but a dancer. I swear that.” Then she resumed her answer. “But I don’t think he’d follow me to California. He’s got a successful business locally. I don’t know for certain if he’s the one for me.”

  I refrained from asking her about her new boyfriend. A shudder as emotional as the one that went through me when I first laid eyes on her nearly made me sick at my stomach. Could she be Dwight’s girlfriend? I checked my watch. Another hour to go, I realized regrettably.

  She stooped under the table and brought out her red shopping bag. “I know your birthday has just passed,” she said, holding out the shopping bag nervously. “You don’t have to accept these things. I’m not about to start buying your affection after all this time. When I saw it, though, I saw you in it.”

  I thanked her politely. I hardly knew how to accept anything from her. It seemed best to end our meeting and never plan another. But the next thing I knew, she was placing the bag in my outstretched hands. “Should I open it later?”

  “Now, if you will,” she said eagerly.

  I returned her smile, feeling the strangest round of pity for her. All contempt for her drained from me, for not rescuing me, for not taking me away and being the one thing I imagined a mother should be. Maybe it was because the two of us had suffered enough.

  She clapped with glee as if she was suddenly present for my fifth birthday and this was the doll I had asked for that year. Daddy had no sense of buying dolls for me. He had given me a jump rope and modeling clay.

  I pulled out the gift carefully wrapped in tissue paper by the shop clerk. I peeled back the paper and held up the sleeveless dress. “It’s the prettiest dress I’ve ever seen,” I said, noticing her exceptional tastes. I pushed back my chair and stood up, holding the dress in front of me. It was black with tiny seed pearls at the bodice. “It’s backless. I’ve never owned anything like this.” It was far more sophisticated than even the things Irene picked out for me. “You didn’t have to do this,” I said, and looked at her directly. “I don’t expect anything from you.”

  “I hope it fits.”

  “It will. It’s my size. Good guess,” I said.

  “I’m more than a good guesser, my darling. I’m your mother.” She pointed out the patent leather shoes tucked down inside the bag next to a small ebony clutch. “I actually saw the shoes first. You should be wearing pumps by now. You’ve got the ankles for them. You’ve always had good gams. But they were no good without the pocketbook, you know.”

  “Elegant, really.” I thanked her, tucking everything carefully back into the bag. In light of the dance on Saturday, her timing was sorcery.

  “Just a little something extra. I figured your family showered you with birthday gifts. Girls are so much fun to buy for and all.”

  “Not really,” I said. “This is perfect.

  Chapter 11

  Irene could not stop talking about my dress all the way to the resort ballroom. “With your hair pulled back and you in those heels, you look eighteen.” She talked a bit too much about my new dress causing Claudia to sigh.

  “Your dress is beautiful too,” I finally interjected.

  Claudia wore a red dress and a pair of white flats. She had curled her hair, pinning it up in the back. It bounced whenever she moved her head.

  “I told you I was old enough for heels, Mother,” she said, staring over the front seat at my black pumps. “I’d kill for those.”

  “Your shoes are lovely, dear,” said Irene. “Besides, you’re not accustomed to dancing in heels.”

  “She’s right,” I said. Of course, I had spent one entire spring rehearsing in heels for a jazz number with a group from the studio. “It isn’t easy. I’ve been practicing and I’m still not sure I can do it.” I only said it to make Claudia feel better.

  Claudia huffed. She knew dancing was the one thing I could pull off with ease. “Where did you find such a gorgeous dress?” she asked. “I thought you spent all day yesterday on campus.”

  “Not all day,” I said.
“You look so beautiful, Claudia. Your shoes are perfect with that dress. Heels would ruin the look. I swear it,” I said, hoping to get her off the subject. “Will many be there tonight? Is this a big dance?” I didn’t know. I had truly not ever heard of it until now.

  “It’s a big dance,” said Irene. “Most of you girls’ classmates will show up, especially those girls eager to attend their first real dance since Cotillion.”

  Claudia had been forced to attend Cotillion, although I felt she secretly loved it. Vesta considered it a waste of time and money since our whole lives revolved around dancing.

  Irene pulled into the long circular drive in front of the main part of the resort. The landscaping and grounds were immaculate. It was like driving up to a palace. “I’ll pick you both up at eleven.”

  Claudia was ecstatic to be out past ten. She held up a white boa and wrapped it around her neck.

  “Oh not that,” said Irene.

  Claudia laughed. She wasn’t about to give up the boa. Then she pulled out a black one that glistened a bit like hers. “Flannery and I will both wear them and everyone will want one,” she said.

  I took mine and draped it around my neck. “I have these by the boxfuls,” I said. “I hadn’t thought to wear one, though.”

  Irene drove away shaking her head.

  We walked into the lobby, twirling our boas like dance hall girls. We walked past the coffee shop and guest shop. We wandered up and down the halls, ogling statues of famous golfers and historically framed photos. Finally we wound up at the right ballroom, the North Room. It was already filling up with youths and the adults chaperoning the dance.

  “Mother asked to chaperone, but I intervened,” said Claudia. “She’s only worse than having Billy Thornton hanging around.”

  She had no sooner said that than Billy came walking through the grand entrance in a coat and tie. On his arm was Marcy. I tried not to stare, but couldn’t help myself. Claudia followed my gaze.

  “Drat! Don’t let him hang out with us. We won’t have any fun,” she said, groaning.

  Marcy saw me and waved us over.

  “What’s up with them anyway?” asked Claudia, nearly hissing. “She’s Drake’s girlfriend.”

  Marcy held onto Billy as though he might run off.

  The Dooley Brothers band warmed up onstage. The ballroom was filling up quickly.

  I smiled at Billy and Marcy and greeted them without any hint of envy.

  “Where’d you get that dress, Flannery?” asked Marcy. “You look like a million bucks and Elizabeth Taylor to boot.”

  Billy quickly said, “You ladies all look lovely. We guys have nothing but our ties to change out for such affairs.”

  The band leader announced a dance number.

  “They’re trying to get some of us on the dance floor,” I said. I laughed, grabbing Claudia’s hand and leading her onto the floor. We acted as pleased with ourselves as possible. I decided right off not to let Billy and Marcy ruin the night. About halfway through the number, though, someone tapped me on the shoulder.

  “I hate to break up the act, but I was wondering if I could put my name in on both your dance cards.” It was Drake. He looked handsome in his black suit and red tie. He signed my card first. Then he held out one arm. “Peaches, may I have the first dance?”

  Claudia shrugged at me. She glanced behind him. I knew why. She was making certain Drake had not brought Dylan along. He was nowhere to be seen, thankfully. An upperclassman was fast on the rebound anyway. Claudia let him lead her into the center of the floor.

  “I didn’t expect to find you here, Peaches,” said Drake.

  “I do get around,” I said. “You’re the only person who calls me that. I do have a name.”

  “Peaches suits you, though,” he said. “But if you hate it, I’ll stop, just for you.”

  “Better,” I said. We danced well together as much as I hated to admit it. “What happened to you and Marcy? And her with Billy, your best friend.”

  “I know,” he said. “Shocking, isn’t it?”

  “Scandalous.”

  He turned me away from the center of the floor. It was in that instant that Billy and I locked gazes. I turned away quickly pretending to laugh at Drake.

  “Marcy heard that I was falling for another girl.”

  “Who would tell her such a thing? Daryl, I’ll bet,” I said, just as the lights overhead dimmed.

  “Not Daryl. I told her.” He slowed his steps as the band transitioned into a slow dance.

  “You told Marcy? You mean, you broke it off with her?”

  “Actually, she broke it off with me.”

  “Because you’ve fallen for another girl? I thought you never really fell for anyone, Drake Keller.”

  “I know. I’m terribly smitten, though. It’s a miserable feeling to have feelings for someone who you might never have.”

  Now I laughed. “She must be really far above your station then? Does Billy know?

  “That’s why he’s with Marcy. I asked him to bring her tonight.”

  Marcy did keep looking at us.

  “And here you show up stag and not bringing along the girl of your dreams? You are a sight.” I glanced around the room. “Is she here then? This mystery girl, this Miss Too-Wonderful-To-Mention-Her-Name?”

  The strangest look came over his face. He had his arm around my waist. He pulled me closer. “She’s changed me. That’s how wonderful she is.”

  “I don’t believe in that, that a person can change for another,” I said.

  “You are a skeptic, aren’t you?”

  “If you change, it should come from inside you.” Reverend Theo had taught me that. I turned my face back to his. “If your feelings are to be trusted.

  He moved us to a more open area since the dancers around us crowded us. “I realize you think I’m insincere.”

  “I’ve got my reasons,” I said. “But if you like her that much, you have to tell her. Or else I’ll think you’re making her up.”

  “I’m nervous about telling her. But before the night is over, I will. You willing to give me the courage? Any advice?”

  “You have to tell me or else I’ll take you outside and beat it out of you.” I smiled at him, but gripped his hand a bit too hard.

  “Ouch! One more dance, and I’ll tell you. I swear it,” he said.

  Claudia was already changing partners. When I felt certain she wouldn’t mind my giving him the next dance, I agreed. He led me to the punch bowl. We sipped on our drinks and chatted it up with some of his friends. He introduced me around. Several of his friends asked me to dance. One was a guy named Anderson.

  “You must be new in town,” said Anderson. “Drake, you hiding a beautiful cousin or something?”

  I tucked a pin back into my hair. I smiled and chatted politely with all of his friends, not letting on the truth, how happy I was that Alice’s dress was working its magic.

  “Flannery is an old friend,” he told them. He didn’t tell them I was a tenth grader as I was certain he might. I’ve Miss Curry for one more dance,” he said. He was so polite that he made me less nervous than before.

  We joined in a waltz. He knew the waltz and then the cha-cha. There didn’t seem to be any dance he didn’t know. I thanked him for not making me sound like the youngest girl at the dance.

  “I owe you that, at least,” he said.

  “I’ve never said you owe me anything.”I stopped dancing altogether. “Have I guilted you into something?”

  “You know you haven’t.”

  “Let’s just finish our dance and that will be the end of it. You don’t owe me anything,” I told him. His sudden over-familiarity made things awkward between us.

  “I want you to know that ever since the first time I saw you in Wilmington I’ve watched how you comport yourself. I’ve thought about the messes you’ve gone through, yet you seem to come out on top of things. It has everything to do with who you are.”

  I thanked him politely. />
  We finished the dance.

  I looked around the floor for Claudia. “Look, you don’t have to give me the girl’s name. It’s not my business,” I said, no longer looking at him, but growing edgy with his too personal chatter.

  “Are you playing a game?” he laughed.

  “Not at all.”

  “It’s you. You surely know. You’re the only girl for whom I’d make a complete fool of myself.”

  “Me? What do you mean?” I took a step back from him.

  “You’re the one, Flannery.”

  “This has all been a joke, right? Surely Billy didn’t know about all of this?” I looked for him, but the dance floor was thick with dancers by now.

  “No. For once I kept my mouth shut,” he hesitated, “because of my sincerity. I didn’t give Billy the name either. I knew he would disapprove.”

  “He might club you,” I said. “Beat you to a pulp.” I still didn’t know if I should believe him.

  “I know, I know. You’ve always been his little sister. He would kill me if I told him. I realize that I’m older than you.” He reasoned away the difference in our ages the same way I had done so with Billy. “You know I’m a young graduate. I won’t turn eighteen for another month.” Then he leaned down, lifting my boa and using it to pull me close to him. He kissed me right next to my mouth. I could smell his expensive cologne and felt the bristle of his jaw against my cheek. I knew I should back away. He noticed that too, that I didn’t, and then kissed me on the lips. I closed my eyes and let him.

  When I drew back, the couples around us were whistling and clapping. Claudia stood with her mouth wide open. Billy came out of nowhere. He pulled Drake away from me. When I saw the look in his eyes, sheer disappointment, I felt like an idiot. I had let this happen.

  He dragged Drake out the door, Drake explaining himself the whole way.

  “See, I told you,” said Claudia coming up beside me and taking my arm. “Billy Thornton is the chaperone of your life.”