In the Company of Ogres

by Martinez A. Lee

  A portion of Regina’s attention drew away from Ned and Miriam, though her eyes remained locked on the pair. “You eat your mates?”

  “What else are you going to do with them once you’re finished?” Sally snorted a fireball. “Good gods! Otherwise they just crap all over the place and chew on the furniture. My sister kept one mate around for a few years, and it was a devil of a time getting him housebroken. And she had him declawed, which I always felt was inhumane.” She took a sip of beer, which bubbled and steamed as it touched her lips. “Much nicer to just bite their heads off before you get sick of them.”

  Regina and Ulga grinned.

  “You might have a point there,” agreed Ulga.

  Seamus the goblin approached the table. “Mind if I have a seat?”

  “Ladies only,” said Ulga.

  “No problem.” With a burst of pink smoke, he shifted into a feminine form. Since goblin females resembled goblin males almost exactly, save for larger eyes, fuller lips, and smaller ears, Seamus looked nearly identical to her old shape. The most noticeable change was the loss of her beard.

  “Isn’t that uncomfortable?” asked Ulga.

  Seamus pulled up a chair. Her voice was now an octave squeakier. “Naw. This is just going from outie to innie. Now if you want to talk about tough shapes, try becoming a dictionary sometimes. After ‘aardvark,’ I’m nothing but blank pages. So what are we ladies talking about?”

  “Men,” said Sally.

  “Who needs ’em?” Seamus raised her glass. “Am I right or am I right?”

  Chuckling, they banged their drinks together.

  “Of course, goblin society sidestepped that whole mess,” said Seamus.

  “I wasn’t aware goblins had a society,” remarked Ulga.

  “We don’t. That’s how we avoided it.” The goblin raised her glass again. “Am I right or am I right?”

  No one bothered to toast this time. They shared inconsequential chatter for a few minutes as Regina continued her single-minded surveillance.

  “I say if he doesn’t want you, he isn’t worth your time,” consoled Ulga.

  “Yeah,” agreed Seamus, “especially since you can’t really compete against Miriam anyway.”

  Ulga smacked the goblin on the back of her head hard enough to leave a slight bruise.

  “Hey, we were all thinking it,” said Seamus. “I just had the guts to say it.”

  This time Sally slapped the goblin across the pate, leaving another bruise and a minor burn.

  “That’s outie talk,” said Sally.

  “It’s the truth, isn’t it? She’s a siren. They have powers over men. What’s the archmajor got?”

  They thought about this for a moment.

  “She’s a mammal,” said Sally. “That should count for something.”

  “Aren’t sirens mammals too?” asked Seamus. “Like dolphins?”

  “I’m pretty sure they’re amphibians.” Ulga pointed to a spot behind her own ear. “They’ve got gills after all.”

  Seamus put down her ale. “As a male most of the time I think I’ve got the best perspective here. And I’m telling you it doesn’t matter whether she’s fish or fowl when the lights go out.”

  Sally hissed and turned a sickened green shade. “Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to bite off your head.”

  “We all know what Regina has to do if she’s going to win Ned. She’s got to employ her Amazon strengths.” Seamus winked, not once but twice. “Shouldn’t be too hard to put the siren down. I’ve never seen her pick up a sword.”

  Miriam and Ned shared another boisterous guffaw. Regina pulled her dagger from the table and stood. She was ten leaping paces away from plunging the blade into Miriam’s face.

  Ulga grabbed the Amazon by the elbow. “Hold on there, ma’am. You don’t want to do that.”

  “I don’t?”

  “No, ma’am. You can’t kill a siren. I hear tell that when they sing their death rattle, their slayer dies with them.”

  “That shouldn’t be a problem,” said Sally. “The archmajor is a woman, and siren songs have no effect on females.”

  “You willing to take that chance?” asked Seamus.

  Regina cut off two strips from her skirt and stuffed them in her ears. She tried to take another step, but Ulga held tight. The elf was stronger than she appeared.

  “Beggin’ your pardon, ma’am, but I don’t think you should.”

  Regina pulled the plugs from her ears. “What?”

  “This goes against the rules of courtship,” said Ulga.

  “There are rules?” asked Sally.

  “Yes, and unlike salamanders, it’s not as simple as who’s tallest.”

  “Sounds needlessly complicated,” said Sally.

  “It can be tricky,” agreed Ulga, “but it’s the way it’s done among us mammals.”

  Sally’s long ears flattened. “And yet my species is the one that’s nearly extinct.”

  “Seduction is like war,” said Ulga. “And war has its rules.”

  Seamus laughed. “War doesn’t have rules.”

  “Everything has rules. The trick is to know which rules you can ignore, and which you can’t.” She pulled Regina back into her chair. “Let us help you, ma’am.”

  “You’d help me?” she asked, eyes wide.

  “Sure,” said Ulga. “I never much cared for that blasted siren.”

  “Nor I,” seconded Sally. “Besides, it will be interesting to get a closer look at how you mammals do this.”

  “I’m in,” said Seamus.

  Sally lowered her head to stare into the goblin’s eyes. “No one invited you.”

  “Hey, it’s a girls-only project. And you can’t be picky where you get your girls around here, or you aren’t going to get many.”

  The salamander and the elf exchanged skeptical glances. Finally Ulga said, “All right. But you stay a female for the duration of the project.”

  “Deal.” Seamus frowned and wiggled in her chair. “Guess I’m going to have to buy some new underwear.”

  Regina was taken aback. Despite the bonds of feminine sisterhood, she’d never felt close to any of the women in the company. Even in the Amazon army, she’d been very much a loner. That shock, more than any other reason, was enough to cool her murderous rage.

  Across the pub, Frank stood in a darker corner. He watched Regina watching Ned. And Frank wasn’t happy about it.

  Gabel occupied a stool beside the ogre. “I wonder what she sees in him,” he said.

  Frank grunted.

  “I bet she’d notice you if he were gone,” said Gabel.

  “I know what you’re doing, Gabel, but I’m not going to kill him.”

  Gabel’s eyes widened. “Heaven forbid. I wouldn’t suggest anything of the sort.”

  Frank ground his teeth. The noise was enough to smother nearby conversation. All the soldiers within arm’s length of the very large ogre, including one ogre nearly as large, discreetly moved out of reach of his thick, bone-crushing hands. Gabel patiently waited for Frank to quiet down.

  “Anyway, I don’t think you could kill him,” said Gabel, “even if you wanted to.”

  Frank glowered down at the orc. “I don’t want to.”

  Gabel mumbled with mimicked indifference. “Why would you?”

  Frank took a long drink. As a boy, he’d chewed glass whenever nervous or upset or bothered. He’d broken the habit years ago, but tonight he ran his tongue along the mug and scraped his teeth along its edges.

  “She’s not thinking clearly,” said Gabel. “Maybe Ned’s mesmerized her. That would explain it, wouldn’t it?”

  Frank clenched his fist. He closed his jaws, and a hairline crack split down the mug. Beer dribbled down his chin.

  “He can’t mesmerize anyone,” said Frank.

  “I would think a secret wizard could do all sorts of unnatural things.”

  Frank wiped his chin. “I thought you didn’t believe in secret wizards.”

  “I don
’t. Not really. But sometimes things happen. Strange things without any reasonable explanation. It just makes me wonder. Maybe there really are secret wizards. And if there are, I wouldn’t put it above such duplicitous sorcerers to use their powers for so base and vile a purpose.”

  Frank sucked in a deep breath. “You’re just saying that. You don’t really believe it.”

  “No, not really,” admitted Gabel. “But it’s not like I know everything. I could be wrong. Or I could be right even if it is a ludicrous theory I don’t believe myself.” He waved his drink in Regina’s direction, then in Ned’s and back again. “But it’s an absurd situation in the first place if you think about it. So maybe, when things don’t make sense, the logical mind has no choice but to consider absurd alternatives.”

  Frank nibbled on his glass. “But it doesn’t make any sense at all. If he’s using magic to entrance her, why is he ignoring her?”

  “Maybe he’s just playing hard to get,” said Gabel. “Or maybe he’s just an asshole.”

  “He doesn’t seem like an asshole.”

  “He doesn’t seem like a secret wizard either. But you can’t always rely on first impressions when it comes to secret wizards.” Gabel grinned. “Or assholes.”

  With a disgusted snort, Frank chucked his entire mug in his mouth. He crushed the glass between his powerful jaws.

  Gabel jumped onto his stool and reached up to pat Frank’s shoulder. “Oh, what difference does it make? Secret wizard, asshole, whatever else he might be. We can’t kill Ned until we all agree, and even if you and I know it’s the best thing to do, we can be assured Regina won’t. Maybe she’s bewitched. Maybe she’s just got bad taste. I guess that’s just the way it is.”

  Frank swallowed loudly. He ran his shard-studded tongue across his blistered lips. “Yeah. Guess so.”

  “We are honorable soldiers after all. Without that, what are we?” Gabel nodded to Regina. “Shame though. You might have a shot at her otherwise.”

  “You really think so?”

  “Who’s to say? Big, handsome ogre such as yourself and a mighty Amazon warrior. I’ve seen stranger things.”

  Across the pub, Ned and Miriam shared a chuckle. Regina glowered while twisting her dagger into the table. And Frank, with a contemplative frown, tucked the mug into his left cheek and chewed.

  Seventeen

  NED HAD HOPED TO get training under way immediately, but his better judgment said it would be wiser to wait one more day. The company needed time to adjust to their new schedule. But by morning they’d be up and ready to forge themselves into a dedicated, organized fighting unit as battle-worthy as any in the Legion. That was what Ned told himself anyway, and he chose to believe it despite his cynical nature.

  He wasted the rest of the morning in the pub, sharing drinks with Miriam. He didn’t drink much. Not much for him. He’d set aside the joy of warm inebriation for the time being, but he hadn’t given up the pleasures of a nice mug of watered-down mead.

  Miriam had a nice smile and an easygoing appeal, and once he’d gotten used to her more aquatic features, he had to admit she was surprisingly lovely. It was probably her natural siren powers on his groggy perceptions on this early morn, but she was quite charming. And while he preferred redheads and didn’t like the taste of fish, once or twice he recalled what she’d looked like naked, and he wasn’t repulsed by the idea of seeing her that way again. It didn’t hurt that the crowded pub kept forcing her to press her breasts and hips against him. The clumsiness of ogres in tight quarters surprised Ned. It didn’t seem like three minutes could pass without some oaf brushing against her, sending her squeezing against him.

  She’d apologize each time with a playful smile on her lips. Lips that were full and moist and probably not nearly as fishy-tasting as he dimly recalled, and even if they were, was that such a bad thing? He definitely would’ve considered bedding her again under different circumstances, but he was commander. He’d made a mental list of things he couldn’t do anymore. Though he hadn’t bothered to prioritize that list, fraternization had to be somewhere near the top.

  He’d never been good at self-discipline, which was just one of the reasons he’d been a poor soldier. But it wasn’t hard to abstain when female personnel were sparse and most of his command consisted of hairy ogres, brutish ores, malodorous trolls, and reckless goblins. Ogresses were even hairier than the males of the species, and even if he’d found that appealing, any carnal attempts would assuredly lead to a crushed pelvis. Orc females in the throes of passion were notorious biters, and he liked having all his fingers. He’d heard troll women got all drippy when aroused. He hadn’t asked what that meant, but he was pretty sure he didn’t want to hear the specifics. And while he liked petite women, goblins were just too short.

  There were only a handful of women in the company that might tempt him. Although Ulga was nice, she was both chubby and an elf, neither of which he found endearing. Regina was beautiful, but she was an Amazon, so there was no point in considering that. Miriam was the only temptation. She had the sweetest smile and a lovely laugh and an enchanting figure and splendid grace, but she was also a fish. That was a lot to get around.

  It wasn’t a tremendous obstacle. He’d hated the taste of broccoli once, and he’d gotten over that. And Miriam was infinitely more tempting. But he was commander. He kept reminding himself, and for now, it was enough. It wasn’t a dilemma anyway. He couldn’t imagine that Miriam was actually interested in him. She was just being friendly. It was her job as morale officer. The rest was merely siren charm and wishful thinking. Still, every time she touched his arm or laughed at one of his weak jokes or batted those big, black eyes at him, he couldn’t help but wonder. He might’ve even pursued it, despite his determination not to, except he had other things he needed to do.

  He finished his mead and excused himself. “Company business,” he explained vaguely, and Miriam seemed satisfied to leave it at that. He walked across the pub, stopping before Frank and Gabel.

  “Can I speak to you a minute, Lieutenant?” asked Ned of the ogre.

  “What about, sir?” said Frank, crunching some silverware between his teeth. The pub staff had stopped bringing over mugs after he’d devoured his fifth.

  “It’s a private matter.” Ned walked away, and Frank, casting a suspicious backward glance at Gabel, followed. Ned led Frank out of the pub to a quieter section of the courtyard where no one else was listening.

  “I need your help,” said Ned.

  “Yes, sir?”

  Ned leaned forward. “I can’t fight.”

  “Sir?” Frank squinted skeptically. Maybe Gabel had been right. Maybe Ned was playing some sort of mind game.

  “I can fight,” Ned continued. “But not very well.” He grimaced. No point in denying it. “Not well at all.” He shrugged. It wasn’t so hard to say after all. It felt almost freeing to admit aloud.

  “I don’t understand, sir,” said Frank.

  “I need a tutor. A war tutor.”

  Frank’s skepticism waned but lingered. “You’re commander, sir. You don’t need to know how to fight.”

  “But I should be able to,” said Ned. “At least a little bit. I want to set a good example for the staff.”

  “You do?”

  “Yes. Shouldn’t I?”

  Certainly, you should, agreed Frank silently. But he’d never met a commander yet who followed this philosophy.

  “I thought I might train with the rest of the soldiers,” said Ned. “But I was hoping to get some pointers first. I don’t mind looking like an idiot, but I’d like not to look like a complete incompetent.”

  “Why me, sir?” asked Frank.

  “It was you, Regina, or Gabel. I was going to ask Regina first, but she’s gone off somewhere. And Gabel isn’t in the best of shape right now. I trust I can count on your discretion.”

  If this was some sort of trick, Frank couldn’t think what it might accomplish. And Frank, despite himself, found himself liking Ned. It t
ook a strong character to admit one’s faults and an even stronger character to try and improve them when one didn’t have to. Thinking on it, Frank had never seen any of the previous commanders demonstrate the slightest degree of martial prowess. They’d all been too busy barking orders and strutting around.

  “Will you help me?” asked Ned.

  Frank saluted. “When do you want to get started, sir?”

  Ned decided there was no time like the present, but his embarrassment kept him from wanting to train in the open. Copper Citadel had a private garden set aside for its commander’s use. No one had tended it in some time, and it was a sorry sight. Half the plants were overgrown, the other half dead or dying. Ned hadn’t chosen it for aesthetics, but for its high walls and enough open space for sparring.

  “How should we start?” he asked.

  “Always start with the basics,” said Frank. “Come at me. Let’s see what you’ve got, sir.”

  Ned already knew what he had. Or didn’t have. And he knew that he didn’t stand a chance against a small ogre, much less one Frank’s size.

  “Should I use my sword?” asked Ned.

  “If you want.”

  “I don’t know if I should. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  Smiling, Frank shook his head. “You won’t, sir.”

  “I might.”

  “Then come at me without the sword if you think that’s safer,” said Frank.

  Ned hesitated. On the one hand, he wasn’t much of a threat to ogres without some sort of weapon. On the other, he’d hate to wound Frank. He didn’t expect to. Not on purpose. But accidents happened.

  “Whenever you’re ready, sir.”

  Ned drew his sword, but the sharpened edges put him off. He wasn’t a good fighter, but he considered himself unlucky, almost supernaturally so. The one time he wouldn’t want to kill someone would very likely be the one time he did. He put the sword away and instead picked up a heavy limb fallen from a half-dead tree. It was thick enough to inspire confidence without posing much danger to Frank. Ogres were notoriously thick-skinned. Pointed things might kill them, but most maces and warhammers just bounced off.