Ma, I've Reached for the Moon an I'm Hittin the Stars

by Martha Long

  ‘What is there to tell, Ralph? I have told you all that happened since you dumped me,’ I said, half-laughing.

  ‘No, please, don’t even jest. I would never abandon you. I have always wanted what is best for you, my love.’

  ‘No, OK. Let us not bring that up again,’ I said, thinking no good can be had from dragging up the past. ‘Yes, I understand, Ralph. It all happened with the best will in the world,’ I said, getting the picture of that black period as it tried to wash over me. I pulled away and lifted my glass from the table, sipping on my wine and rolling a cigarette.

  ‘Darling, if I may ask a question?’ he said, looking at me, sounding very cautious.

  ‘What? Ask me what, Ralph? Go on!’ I said, seeing him hesitate.

  ‘What about your family? What happened to you, to them? You have never spoken to me about them or even mentioned anything about what might have happened beyond the point of when we first met.’

  I stood up and walked away, sipping on my drink, then stopped beside the fireplace and looked at him. I could feel a hard knot of rage twisting itself, wanting to explode out of me. But I held it down and just stared at him. I could feel the colour draining out of me. ‘Family!’ I said crisply, staring at him, feeling hard as nails. ‘I will say this and please don’t interrupt. Do you mean the people who live in the hovel where you dropped me one winter night? The people you insisted were my family because that nun, Sister Eleanor, told you they were?’ I nodded my head briefly. ‘That family, Ralph?’

  He stared at me, shocked at the change in me and seeing a hard side he never saw before. I didn’t give a damn. He wanted to know, because clearly he has no idea of the dark side of life.

  ‘In that hovel lived my mother. She was breeding like a rabbit for a man who was pure evil and psychotic! Oh, yes, quite clinically so, Ralph. He was not my father. Nor was he the father of one of my half-brothers. His name is Charlie. Now, you want to know? I will tell you. My mother was an unmarried mother. She had me at sixteen. Does that give you the picture, Ralph? Then five years later she had Charlie, my brother. From the age of five years I was an old woman living in the body of a child. I looked after my mother. She could not fend for herself. We walked the streets homeless. That man took us in, and he was raw and brutal and hated me with a pathological hatred. So much so, I learned to always sleep light for fear of losing my life, Ralph!

  ‘I was the sole provider in that family. I took care of them all from the day she gave birth to his first child. I was not a part of that family, neither was my brother Charlie. We were known as the two bastards. I continued to provide until I was sent away to that convent. I escaped at sixteen when they opened the doors. Then, a few months later, you took me off the streets for one night. Then you fucking bunged me back! I tried to explain I did not have a family. But you were so self-righteous in your belief that you and that fucking nun knew best. Her, she fucking knew, but she was prepared to have me dumped back there rather than reach out a Christian hand to help me. I understand you knew nothing. So, what was I to think? After putting my trust in you, and believing you cared and you would help me. Fuck you, Ralph. I learned a lesson from that. I saw how charming and caring you seemed to be, yet when it came down to it, you were no different to anyone else in the world. You saw what you wanted to see, and you believed what you wanted to believe. Like the three wise monkeys – see no evil, hear no evil, then fear no evil. That’s what makes the world a very dangerous and threatening place for vulnerable people, Ralph, especially children. The world does not care.

  ‘You wondered why I was so cold and indifferent when you turned up to see me in that hospital? When the hospital telephoned you after finding your phone number in my suitcase? After I collapsed on the streets suffering from exposure and pneumonia? Well, that was the reason. I had nothing to say to you. I certainly did not trust you. Then you took me to live with your mother. Well, you redeemed yourself. I slowly grew to love and trust you. You were the first person in my life who had ever put their arm around me in a kindly way. It had never happened to me before.

  ‘Yes, Ralph. I loved you, then you left me again. But of course I survived. It broke my heart but not my spirit. That took an awful long time. That was triggered when my young brother Harry killed himself. So I ended up in the mad house. I am only out a few months. Now, don’t ever bring this subject up again! You have heard all there is to hear!’

  I stared at him coldly, seeing him turned to stone with the shock. No, I thought to myself, he had that coming. He fucking let me down. He dumped me when I needed someone most. I could have died on those fucking streets! Just another nameless bastard. Ireland was full of them. We were a hidden lot.

  I went over to the bottle and filled my glass with wine. Then I grabbed up my tobacco and walked out of the room, saying, ‘Please say nothing, do nothing. I need time to calm down.’

  I went up to my room and sat in the easy chair by the window, sipping my wine, smoking and looking out at the madness of the storm. Lightning streaked across the sky and the thunder roared and the rain lashed the window. I felt it was right – in harmony with the rage tearing around me. I took another sip and looked at the half-empty glass. Fuck, I should have brought the bottle. Lovely, I really must be on the tear. I never drank or wanted so much like I do this night. I suppose he’s down there wondering, By Jove! I say, old bean, where did all that come out of?! Huh! Fuck him. It was the word ‘family’ that enraged me. He still thinks I have a ‘family’. I wanted to lash out and hurt him. Just like he hurt me that first time. I never realised how badly it hurt until now. He wouldn’t listen to me; he didn’t want to hear. I tried to explain I didn’t belong there. It hurts even to think about it now.

  I had sat in the priest’s parlour all day with him, watching the snowstorm outside. We sat by the fire and I felt safe and warm. He had said such soothing lovely things to me, I thought he was going to help me. That maybe I had met someone who cared. He had filled me with hope. Then that night it was all dashed. He dumped me outside the house of ‘the family’. I had ended up back on the streets and it was that very same night I ended up with pneumonia. I must have been sick all along. I thought it was just exhaustion from hunger and the cold. My brain wouldn’t work. So it appears when he brought that back up again, the rage I didn’t know was there blew up! So now he knows. Jesus, I have never let anyone know anything like that before. It never even occurred to me to mention it. No, Jackser had me too well trained.

  Anyway, he thinks he knows all there is to know about me now, but that is only the start of it. Jaysus, if only he knew the half of it! But he won’t, ever. No, that is the past and that is where it will stay. I will take it to my grave with me, like many a one before me. There are some things you just never talk about. So let him make what he likes out of it. Fuck him. At least I got the opportunity of giving him the full works. Yes, I loved him. I do love him. More than I value my own life. But he hurt me, and I wanted to hurt him back. I don’t think I could have let that lie between us. He needed to know how badly I took that.

  Right, I don’t suppose there’s any chance of getting another drink? I thought, draining my empty glass. Anyway, it looks like the night is over. Pity, it had such a promising start!

  I sat on, staring out the window, listening to the rumbles and then the crash of thunder. It sounded like a very angry God was tossing huge boulders at the earth. If I was an ancient Roman, I would probably believe that.

  My eyes settled on the tobacco pouch and I stretched out to lift it from the little table and rolled one. Suddenly there was an almighty bang followed by a flash of lightning that lit up the pitch-black night. Then the door opened and Ralph put his head in, followed by his body.

  ‘May I come in?’ he said. ‘I have been knocking but perhaps you did not hear me.’

  I turned my head slowly, looking up at him. He looked pale and the light was gone out of his eyes. But I didn’t care. Somehow I felt numb inside now. I had no feelings left to con
nect to.

  He shut the door and came walking slowly towards me with his hands in his pockets. ‘Darling, may I sit down?’ he said, making to sit in a chair by the dressing table.

  I stood up. ‘Yes, of course you may. It is your room, your house. You may do as you please,’ I said coldly, getting up to walk out. ‘May I ask you, is it OK for me to go downstairs and refill my glass?’ I said, holding out the empty glass.

  He stared then jumped to his feet. ‘Yes, of course! Please, allow me,’ he said, making to take the glass from me.

  ‘No, I am perfectly capable of getting it for myself, thank you.’ Then I turned and walked out the door with him coming after me. I wanted to turn and tell him I didn’t want his company but somehow I missed the opportunity between thinking it and telling him, so I went on silently.

  I went into the sitting room, seeing the fire had died down to a lovely red glow, the music was still playing and the lamps still burned a lovely hue of rosy pink. But I could feel the tension in the atmosphere I had left behind and I wanted to get out. I grabbed the half-empty bottle and rushed out the door, leaving him behind.

  ‘Wait, darling! Where are you going?’ he said, calling me from the hall.

  ‘To get drunk!’ I said, waving the bottle at him. I was half-plastered once, but I still knew what I was doing. So this was something new for me. Anyway, he said the same thing to me a while back ago!

  ‘No, darling, please. I know you are upset . . .’

  I kept going. Suddenly I heard him taking the stairs two at a time. My reflex was to run, but what the heck, he is wasting his time. I have shut down for the night. He will get no more out of me. Let him go to hell!

  He came rushing at me, wrapping his arms around me, trying to stop me getting to the next floor.

  ‘Let me go, please. I do not want to talk to you. I would like my own company. If you insist, I will pack and be out of here first thing in the morning. I can catch the next plane out of here. The train, then the plane,’ I said, giving a slight nod of my head, correcting myself, thinking of the exhausting, bloody awful long journey home.

  ‘Oh, my heavens, what Pandora’s box have I opened?’ he said, letting go of me and stepping back. ‘I had no idea,’ he whispered softly, talking to himself as he slowly pushed his hair back off his forehead. ‘If only I had even the remotest idea . . . You were not ready! I should have known! How bloody stupid of me to go stumbling blindfolded into something that has been a hellish thing for you! Oh, but really I did know! Of course I bloody knew! I saw it so often in your eyes, that terrible haunted look you had, it crept in when your guard was down.’

  I turned and walked away, heading up to the next floor and into my room.

  12

  I woke up plastered to the bed. Something had disturbed me. I opened my eyes, seeing Ralph lifting me and putting me under the covers.

  ‘What happened?’ I said, looking around me, wondering what was going on. One minute I was sipping . . . guzzling what was left of the wine, the next he’s here.

  ‘Darling, you will catch cold,’ he said, covering me up and moving close beside me, leaning over me. ‘How do you feel? Do you have a headache?’

  ‘No, but my face feels a bit hot. I’m a bit dry,’ I said, seeing he was in his nightclothes. I never saw him wear those. He is always dressed.

  ‘Wait, darling. Let me go down and get you a hot drink. But first I think you should drink this,’ he said, handing me a huge tumbler of water. ‘Sip this. It will rehydrate you,’ he said, putting the glass to my mouth, getting me to drink. Then he got up and padded out the door in leather slippers and what looked like a silk dressing gown and light-blue cotton pyjamas.

  I drank away at the water and finished the lot. ‘That was good, I really was thirsty,’ I muttered to myself. Then I got up out of the bed and grabbed my wash things. Bloody hell, I need to cool myself down. He is right. I am probably dehydrated!

  I went down to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, then soaked my facecloth and washed my neck and down my chest. Then I brushed my teeth and put cream on my face. That’s better. I went back to my room and put away my washbag and lit up a cigarette.

  ‘Here we are,’ he said, sounding cheerful and smiling at me.

  I looked up at him, still not over my row with him. But he did look lovely. The colour of the dressing gown suited him. It was a deep red and, yes, I could see it was pure silk. Oh, nothing but the best for our Ralphie! I sniffed to myself, still feeling aggrieved, but I couldn’t drag myself out of it. There were things now coming to the surface. Things that had clearly been eating away at me.

  ‘Hot chocolate and chocolate biscuits,’ he said, grabbing my pillows and slapping them into place, then leaning me back and handing me the mug.

  I sipped on it, munching the biscuits. He did the same, saying, ‘Hmm, these are quite delicious, wouldn’t you say, darling?’

  ‘Yes, awfully good!’ I mimicked.

  He looked at me, shaking his head, looking a bit hurt but trying to smile. Then he said, ‘Darling, we need to talk.’

  I felt my heart jump and didn’t want to hear any more of whatever he was going to say. I knew it could only lead to trouble. I shook my head, saying nothing, making it very clear I did not want to discuss anything.

  He sighed, putting down his mug, and just looked at me, then looked around the room, wondering what he should do next.

  ‘Whatever it is you want to say, why don’t you let it drop? I have said enough,’ I hissed, turning away and staring at my drink.

  ‘But I am devastated by what you have told me,’ he murmured, looking ahead, making it sound like he was talking to himself. ‘Firstly, of course I should have recognised instantly you were ill. But I just assumed . . .’ he said, letting it trail off.

  I watched him out of the corner of my eye, listening. Waiting to see what he was saying.

  ‘But I thought it was simply . . . You looked so wretched! Yes, of course you were ill!’ he said again, getting very annoyed with himself.

  ‘Please let it go, Ralph. Frankly, I am not sorry I said it. It hurt, you let me down, but that is history. It has been said, now we both know. So it is over,’ I said, feeling cold and annoyed. It was now too fresh in my mind. I didn’t want to drag it out.

  ‘But it was more than that, darling,’ he said slowly, turning to look at me. ‘It was all that horror you experienced. Then I inadvertently sent you . . . bloody dammed you back to that hell! My goodness,’ he said, thinking. ‘It was so bad, you chose to brave the streets, wandering in the dead of night, exposed to that dreadfully awful weather, with heavy snows, rather than try to seek shelter with them.’

  ‘Fuck off, Ralph, I told you! Forget it. I did bloody try! I went to the house and my mother was looking for money from me. She had nothing. I had nothing. So I wasn’t fucking welcome. She wanted to use me. I wouldn’t agree, so . . . Let it go! It is not your bloody business,’ I said, suddenly feeling myself losing control. ‘You weren’t to know that! It wasn’t really your fault! It was nothing to do with you. But bloody yes, you did take me there! You wouldn’t listen, you wouldn’t believe me. Now get the hell out or I will leave. I can’t take any more! In fact, if you must know, while we are on the subject . . .’

  The next thing I knew he was holding me, pinning my arms with his arm wrapped around me, pulled into his chest. He was stroking me while holding me against him. ‘Please, darling, don’t! Say no more. Believe me, I do understand! I love you. I always knew you were very special. I saw that in the first moment I met you. You had such dignity! I could see how proud you were. My God, the world is indeed a cruel place. I was cruel simply by being indifferent. Yes, I was smug and self-righteous. Quite a bloody prig, really. Darling, listen to me. I want to say I am so terribly sorry. Yes, I did turn my back on you. In fact, I saw you through the driving mirror watching after me. You looked so terribly young and bedraggled, and so frightfully vulnerable. I choose to drive on. I was already late for my
meeting,’ he said slowly, shaking his head, sounding so very regretful. Then he sighed, looking down at me.

  I stared at the colour of his pyjamas, not really seeing them. I was somewhere I didn’t want to be. Back with him standing on that road, feeling terribly tired, lost and lonely. But trying to muster up a bit of strength to move on, telling myself, forget about it. Ah, well, that’s life! Then go in and see the ma.

  But he did come back into my life. I did reach out to him, and he still let me down a second time. Now I don’t know. I feel like it may happen again. I think I have tried and failed. Ralph is not going to marry me. I am on a fool’s errand. Oh, well, at least I tried, I thought, pulling away from him, saying, ‘I need a cigarette. No more, Ralph. Let the past now rest in peace. I have to think of the future.’

  ‘Pop into bed, darling, I will get them. Where are they?’ he said, looking around, seeing them on the table.

  ‘Were you in bed?’ I said, looking pointedly at his pyjamas.

  ‘No, I took a bath, but I was concerned about you. I wanted to check on you.’ Then he half-smiled, saying, ‘I did come in at one stage. You were asleep even then. But I dare not tread where angels fear to go! So I thought it best to wait. So, here we are, Martha,’ he said, not knowing what to say any more. There was a wall between us; a new barrier had gone up. I could feel the tension in the air. It felt like there was a lot of things unsaid, but should be said. The time was drawing close. I could feel something myself, tugging away at my insides. A sense, a knowing, something was going to come to a head. I think he sensed it too.

  I pushed back the bedclothes and threw my legs out of the bed, seeing the silk float, admiring it from a distance. It didn’t seem that important any more. I walked over to the window and looked out, seeing the storm was still flashing lightning, but it wasn’t as powerful, or maybe I had gotten used to it. Then I turned and saw Ralph looking at me like he was trying to figure me out. Staring with his brows knitted, thinking hard.