Ma, I've Reached for the Moon an I'm Hittin the Stars

by Martha Long

  I watched as she touched him, then left her hand gently resting on his shoulder. That one fancies him, and he knows it, I thought. They are flirting but doing it discreetly. Everyone sees it, but it is nothing. These things are normal, it is expected between a man and a woman. Yeah, I thought, the French invented romance.

  I turned away in case he saw me. It would be horrendously humiliating if that happened. It would really lower me to the point of having absolutely no dignity. It’s not him I am thinking about; it is my own pride.

  I went quietly into the kitchen, closing over the door, not shutting it for fear of making a noise, then looked, seeing the place stuffed with grub. Casserole dishes sat on the side with what looked like pieces of duck in an orange sauce. Bottles of booze were everywhere. I grabbed a plate, loading it with food, and picked up a half-bottle of white wine left sitting on the table. I sat down and started to make short work of it, gulping down a drop of wine filled to the brim in a big glass.

  Suddenly the door pushed in with voices and laughing, just as I had half the duck to me mouth. I had given up on the fork. I looked straight into the face of Ralph as he stopped in shock. Your woman came right in behind him, stopping to look at him, then turn to me, seeing his eyes were landed in that direction. Then he recovered and walked in, looking at me, saying, ‘Well, hello. It is nice to see you. Are you enjoying yourself?’ he laughed, nodding at my plate. Then he whipped open the fridge, taking out a bottle of white wine and looked at the label.

  The blonde minced her way over, standing close to him, saying something in French. He waved the bottle slightly, then she said something, keeping her eyes wide as she stared at him, looking like a little girl lost. He grinned, shaking his head laughing, saying, ‘Bah! Au contraire! Non, non.’

  She pursed her lips, pushing her mouth out at him, looking like a little girl about to cry, saying, ‘Auuh! Oui, oui, Ralph!’ as she landed her hands lightly on his sleeve, holding it and running her long red nails up and down his jacket, trying to persuade him of something. ‘Oooh, Ralph!’ she moaned, then she lifted her head, planting a kiss on his lips, whispering, ‘Oh, Ralph! Je me sens très seule. Dites oui! S’il vous plaît, Ralph!’

  I stared with the duck halfway to my mouth as it gaped wide open. I was going into spasms of shock. My body didn’t know whether to drop dead or kick-start again. The heart was trying but missing a beat as the breath wouldn’t come.

  I saw Ralph grin, step back and flick his eyes to me, then he was moving out the door, holding the bottle of wine in front of him, with the blonde keeping up as she kept her hand lightly on his arm. Then they were gone.

  I looked at my duck sitting in my hand and put it down. Then I looked at my wine and picked it up, swallowing half the glass, nearly choking. I staggered back to my room, deciding I had enough to eat and drink, I just wanted to get back to bed. Somehow I had lost my appetite. Now I felt very tired. It must be well after four in the morning. I felt like I had just had electric-shock treatment. It must feel something like this. Like someone blew me up, leaving me like a living zombie. Because I just had the soul sucked right out of me.

  15

  I woke up with my head a ball of cotton wool. I squinted my eyes round the room, landing on the window, seeing the sky is very bright, it must be late morning. ‘I have slept too long,’ I moaned, or maybe just caught up on my sleep. ‘Right,’ I grunted, pushing back the bedclothes, trying to get one leg out, then the other. I stood up, feeling my legs like jelly. Jaysus, I need a cold drink and a cold shower. OK, first things first. I lowered my head, looking around the room, wondering where my dressing gown was. That bleedin light is too bright, I thought, trying to keep my eyes away from that sun, beaming itself in through the window.

  I stepped over the dressing gown lying on the floor by the bed. Jaysus! I never do that, I thought, picking it up and shaking it. I must have been really bad. I threw it around me and struggled my arms into it, feeling a dead weight, then tipped, nearly overbalancing, making for the doorknob to stop myself.

  I was halfway down the stairs when I looked down seeing I was in my bare feet. Lovely, Martha, you make a grand picture if himself catches you. Who cares? I thought, landing in the hall and looking down to where the noise was coming from. It was the voice of women. Fuckers must be the leftovers from last night’s party. In having their lunch – luncheon in the dining room no less!

  Or maybe it’s the blonde sex-starved vulture from last night. Then I stopped dead. Wonder where she slept? Suddenly I could feel myself erupting. The rage sent me going blind! ‘Fuck this,’ I muttered. ‘This is adding insult to injury. That no-good, chinless, slimy, good-for-nothing toerag is rubbing my nose in it.’

  I stood stock-still, panting, thinking how I would get my own back on him. He has been leading me on, making a fool of me. He’s just a cheap chancer! All these years . . . He’s not the man I thought he was. I have put myself through all this for nothing. Fuck it, I am going to lift a bottle of red wine and pour it first over her head, then upend the dinner on his fucking skull. I stopped my body as it reeled to get going, still rocking on my feet. Will I do it? YES! I roared in me head.

  I took off walking fast and rounded into the dining room, coming to a dead stop and looking around. Two young ones were slapping each other with dusters. The grin was wiped off their face when they saw me rooted to the spot, taking them in. Suddenly they got busy, dusting around, lifting ornaments and furiously dusting the mantelpiece while another one grabbed up the Hoover, looking terribly busy. Oh, just the cleaners after last night’s party, I thought, blowing trapped air out of my flared nostrils, letting all the fire escape out through me mouth. An intense feeling of pleasure settled in my chest, giving me a lovely sense of relief. So they weren’t at it! Well, that’s something anyway.

  I took off again, heading for the kitchen this time, and breezed in, seeing Madame doing the last of the mopping up. The place was gleaming as she put dishes away, resting them on top of the dresser shelves. I suddenly felt very chirpy as I wheezed out, ‘Bonjour, Madame,’ beaming over at her.

  She stared, taking in the cut of me, looking down at my bare feet, then nodded, saying, ‘Bonjour, Madame.’ Then she pointed to the stove, rushing herself over to grab a plate from the heating rack and serve me up last night’s offerings. I polished off the consommé soup with chunks of bread, then made short work of a lovely fluffy cheese omelette she whipped up, then grabbed a banana. I need sustenance; I haven’t been fed properly for the last few days.

  ‘Oh, that feels better,’ I gasped, lifting up my dishes and landing them in the sink. ‘Merci, Madame,’ I grinned, giving her a cheerful wave as I took meself out the door, heading up the stairs.

  I rounded my own landing and flew into the room. OK, what’s next on the agenda? Take a good long bath. I need to polish up, especially after seeing that French vamp seducer of priests last night. Jaysus, the style of her! I wish I could get myself looking like that. But, no, I see where it comes from, I thought, getting the picture of her. She has spent thousands getting that look. Years getting blowed with the hairdryer, the hair cut, fingered, massaged and managed by George the gigolo hairdresser. Then, of course, there is the beauty parlour, or wherever they get their face done. No, years of pampering, a rich husband, and you have to be born in France to get that sleek, chic, casually beautiful-looking sophistication. Mind you, look more closely at that one and I’d be better looking meself. No, underneath all that she was a bit hatchet-faced looking. Take away the make-up, hairdo and eyebrow-do, and what would you get? Yeah! I thought, then still wishing I could look like that.

  Then a thought hit me. Never mind that, I sighed, feeling a change come over me as reality began to hit. Hmm, you have more serious things you should be putting your mind to. Like it is high time now to start thinking about getting yourself back home. Yeah, first thing tomorrow get it sorted. Hold on, tomorrow is Sunday. Well, then, first thing Monday, see about getting the tickets. Tomorrow I can spend the
day getting packed. Good, that’s decided, so that just leaves me this evening to get through. I could do with a good bath, I thought, looking down at the scruffy pyjamas, feeling the greasy hair sticking to me scalp.

  I came out of the bathroom feeling squeaky clean. Now all I have to do is get the tangles out of my hair and brush it out. Then I think I will go for a walk. Get some fresh air into my lungs and blow the cobwebs out of my head. I need to start focusing now and thinking ahead. I will write to Sergei when I get back and see what he’s still thinking. Maybe I would be better throwing my lot in with him. Ralph is for the fuckin birds. Oh, well, it wasn’t a waste of time, so now you know. It’s a good thing in a way. Now I have cleared my path to move on, feeling easier in myself, knowing I am missing nothing. Good, I thought, nodding my head, feeling happy I am now seeing my way more clearly.

  I threw on a pair of jeans, pulling a heavy navy-blue wool jumper over my head, then climbed into my boots and put on my fur coat, wrapping it up around me. OK, here we go, I thought, taking the stairs two at a time. I grabbed one of Ralph’s scarves off the hall coatstand and wrapped it around my head, not wanting to get a cold with the wet hair streaming down my back. Then I pulled the collar up, thinking Ralph won’t mind me borrowing this.

  I made my way out the door and down the drive, heading off into the country, feeling I am now on the move again. I could feel a buzz of energy running through me. It was coming with the idea of getting myself geared up to start moving out of here and making my way home. The novelty had worn off and I was getting fed up with this place. It wasn’t my own and there was no good in it without Ralph. I was beginning to come to terms with the idea that we were now like strangers. Whatever there had been between us was now over. Dead and gone. Last night proved that to me. It was like I didn’t exist. Then when I saw him with that woman! No, enough is enough. I was glad today he hadn’t been with her, or at least I didn’t see them. That would have had me throwing my stuff into the suitcase and taking off in the middle of the night. It would have proved once and for all that I had been living in a fool’s paradise with him. Yeah, even the letter showed a very ruthless streak. But a part of me didn’t want to face up to that truth, it would have shattered my dream. Oh, well, that’s over now. Just another couple of days and I will be home in my own place. It will take Monday to sort, then I can take off early Tuesday morning. I’ll talk to him myself in the morning. I don’t suppose I’ll see him tonight for the bit of dinner.

  Here we are back at last, I puffed, getting the feel of my hot, wet breath landing on my face as it hit the frost that was coming down with the late-winter evening. Bloody hell, that’s some nip in the air, I thought, giving a sudden shiver from the cold damp air, with the night drawing in fast. I dropped my neck deeper inside the fur and pulled up the collar, wrapping it tight around me. Lovely, can’t wait to get back inside, I thought, delighted to be passing in through the gates and getting back into the bit of heat. I stood at the front door wondering if I should knock or go around the side. It might be locked. No, leave the front door, try the back first. Don’t draw attention to yourself. It’s best to keep the head down now you’re not bothered about this place any more.

  I turned the handle in the side door and it opened. ‘Great,’ I whispered, letting myself in, glad to be heading off up to my room.

  I was passing Ralph’s study when I noticed the light on. I hesitated, wondering if I should knock. Ask him now and get it over with. At least the sooner he knows, the quicker I will be out of here. My nerve failed, and I kept going. No, plenty of time. It’s best wait until tomorrow. Or, the night is still early, I might run into him later.

  I passed the door and was halfway up the stairs when I heard my name whispered softly. I looked back and Ralph was standing looking up at me. I stood staring, wondering what was coming.

  ‘Hello,’ he said quietly, suddenly looking like the old Ralph.

  I said nothing, still trying to take him in.

  ‘Have you been out walking?’ he said, letting his face break out in a smile.

  I nodded. ‘Yes,’ I said, standing very still, not moving a muscle.

  ‘Shall I see you later? Dinner will be in about an hour, Madame says,’ he said, looking with the brows raised and the head cocked to one side.

  I said nothing. I couldn’t find my voice. I felt suddenly cold inside. I had run out of feeling for him. It was the result of one too many shocks. I nodded slowly, saying, ‘OK, cheers!’

  ‘Good, I shall see you later then,’ he said, smiling as he turned, heading back to his study.

  I went upstairs and into my room, getting out of my coat and boots. I felt a bit chilled. Maybe I should jump into another hot bath, it will warm me up, I thought, pulling off my jumper and tugging out of my jeans. I slipped on my robe and took off to the bathroom, padding in the leather slippers Ralph bought me. I wonder will all this new stuff fit into my suitcase? I don’t want to have to pay extra at the airport if it’s too heavy. Them fuckers are bleedin robbers, I thought, running the bath, watching the steam rise, then pouring in the bath oils left sitting on the shelves. The place is well stocked. I wonder who organises the upkeep of this place? Probably some of the family. I can’t see Ralph bothering himself with paying wages or even the bills! No, they probably have an accountant.

  I got in, feeling the lovely heat, and lay back, getting myself a good soak. Ahh delicious, lovely and warm, this is more like it, I thought, closing my eyes and relaxing.

  I stood in front of the mirror brushing out my hair and wondering what I would wear. OK, first get some make-up on, seeing as you are going to change into something nice. I looked at myself in the mirror, seeing my eyes were looking much brighter and my face was glowing from the fresh air.

  The make-up looks grand. Right, what will I wear? I know. I will put on the new bra and silk cami knickers with the matching slip and mink stockings, with the little suspender belt to hold them up. Ralph bought them for me without knowing, when I slipped them in with the other stuff he was getting me. I kept disappearing around the shop with my eyes on stalks. I couldn’t get over the amount of gorgeous stuff they had. But he won’t get to see how sexy I am looking, I grinned, feeling a perverse, savage satisfaction with that thought. Yes, but I will bloody know just what he is missing. So thank you, sir, they are deliciously soft, with the way they gently caress my skin as they move with me.

  I put on a light cashmere peach sweater that sits nicely hugging my figure, then a black-linen skirt that reached just above the knee with a slit up the back. It was fully lined and hung down without creasing. Then I put on black-patent high heels and stood back to admire myself. Yeah, they go very well. Now for the pearl earrings, and I think I will leave my hair out. I’ll just pull it up at the sides and roll it to the back of my head, pinning it in place with the black slide. ‘Ready,’ I muttered, as I dabbed Chanel perfume behind my ears and wrists. That’s better, lovely, I thought, beaming at myself in the mirror. I might as well look my best. It’s nearly my last night here.

  I looked over at the clock, thinking it must be nearly time for dinner but seeing it was just after six. It’s probably a bit early but I’ll go down and see what’s happening.

  I walked into the kitchen to see Ralph leaning against the windowsill with his feet crossed, sipping his gin and tonic. He likes that before his dinner. Himself and Madame were standing having a conversation. She was talking and shrugging, and he was nodding. Then they both turned in my direction as I shut the door.

  ‘Well, hello!’ he said, standing up with his eyes lighting up at the sight of me, letting them peel the length of me as I slowly sashayed my way across the room, wriggling my arse and mincing along on the high heels.

  I sat down just as he sprang to pull out my chair. ‘Thank you,’ I murmured, lifting my leg and swinging it across, then letting the skirt ride up just below the top of the stocking.

  I could hear his sharp intake of breath. ‘You look lovely,’ he murmured, then
bent down to kiss my cheek. He missed when I moved slightly, letting his mouth land on my ear.

  I looked up at Madame, seeing she was taking me in with a critical eye then throwing one at him to see what was going on. ‘Bonjour, Madame,’ she said, nodding and smiling at me, actually looking happy we seemed to be making up until the kiss fiasco, then thinking how wrong could she be.

  Too bloody right, missus, I thought, thinking I’ve had my fill of Ralph. He causes too much heartache. It’s not worth it.

  She had her coat and hat on, and moved herself off to the door, then turned to wave goodbye, saying, ‘Bonne nuit,’ and nodding at both of us. Then she was gone out the door, leaving us together.

  He turned to me with his eyes dancing in his head, looking very excited to see me. Yet his eyes were guarded, keeping his distance. I looked, seeing him smile, showing his dimples, and the green eyes flashing as he took in my stare. Normally, in another time, I would have melted at the sight of him. He looked so handsome, with the head of brown silky hair and a sprinkling of silver. It only added to his good looks, distinguishing him as a mature, handsome gentleman. His looks and smile, his bearing, his impeccable manners – yes, he is a real heartbreaker, I thought, looking at him clinically, feeling nothing inside now. No, he didn’t move me in the slightest.

  ‘Would you like a drink, Martha?’ he said, making for the fridge and taking out a full bottle.

  I nodded, remembering he did the very same thing with the vamp in only the early hours of this morning. It made me pull even further back into myself, thinking how treacherous he could be.

  ‘Cheers!’ he said, clinking glasses. I said nothing, just gave a half-smile. Then he put down his glass, saying, ‘Shall we start dinner? Madame has served,’ pointing to the casserole dish sitting on a heavy board on the table.