by Martha Long
‘Please,’ I said, giving a nod of my head. It was a game stew cooked in red wine and it smelled delicious.
‘There you are, eat it while it’s hot,’ he said, landing down the plate in front of me.
I started straight away, not bothering to wait for him. I was beyond caring about his concerns.
16
‘So, how have you been?’ he said, putting down his knife and fork then taking up his wine and sipping.
I did the same, then reached across, taking a piece of bread and breaking it, then chewing, taking a mouthful of stew. ‘Fine,’ I said, drinking and concentrating on my dinner as I gave him a dirty look.
He took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
‘I got your note,’ I said, giving him a brief cold stare before going back to eat my dinner.
He said nothing then muttered, ‘Yes,’ looking down at his plate and starting to eat again. ‘We must talk,’ he said quietly, looking at me.
I looked straight at him, saying, ‘Yes, you are right. Would it be possible to arrange my travel to go back to Dublin?’
‘What?’ he said, looking up at me in sudden shock. ‘When were you thinking of leaving?’ he asked quietly, looking back at his dinner and slowly forking up a bit of meat, looking like he needed something to do.
‘As soon as possible. I have been waiting for you to come back so I could get it organised,’ I said, keeping my voice even.
‘I see,’ he said, putting down his knife and fork, and taking a long drink of his wine.
The silence hung heavy between us after that. The air was pregnant with words not being said. I concentrated on eating and finishing the dinner, and took long sips of the wine, feeling I needed it. This was becoming just too painful to bear. I couldn’t take the tension and wanted out of it. Anything could happen. I don’t know what is brimming underneath my cool feelings on the surface. I knew I had a lot of anger. But, wisely, my emotions were locked down at the minute. My nerves had been through too many up and downs, and it had left me feeling a bit numb. But I didn’t trust myself. If something was triggered, God knows how it would end. I might even let rip again and where would that get me? No, keep it calm, Martha. Just use the head.
He finished his dinner, leaving a bit on the plate, with the knife and fork lying side by side, showing he had enough. Then he leaned back in the chair, taking in a very long, deep, slow breath and looked at me, saying nothing.
I broke some more bread and used it to mop up the gravy, putting down my empty glass and looking at him. His eyes sparked with interest, hoping I might want to talk. I took in a breath, opened my mouth and he waited, his eyes alive with interest. ‘May I have some more wine, please?’
‘What?’ he said, swinging his head to my empty glass. ‘Oh, I am sorry, yes, of course,’ he said, whipping up the bottle and filling my glass, then his own.
‘Thank you,’ I muttered.
‘The pleasure is all mine,’ he said, smiling, sounding delighted he had something nice he could say.
I looked around the table wondering if there was any dessert.
‘Would you like something else? Oh, yes, I do believe we have chocolate mousse and some biscuits she has baked.’ Then he was up and over to the stove, lifting a cloth that was covering a tray. I watched as he took out the homemade biscuits, setting them in a basket, then served the chocolate pudding, putting a bowl down in front of me.
It was delicious. I munched on the biscuits then went for the cheese, cutting some to have with the bread. Ralph helped himself too.
I finished dinner and rolled myself a cigarette, sitting back enjoying my smoke.
‘I do have some cigarillos, if you prefer,’ he said, looking at me. ‘Would you like me to fetch them? I actually bought them for you quite recently. Would you like to try one?’ he said, seeing I wasn’t answering him.
I shook my head, saying, ‘No, thanks, I am fine with these.’
He started to clear away the dishes and I got up, wandering over to take a look around, and stood staring at the beautiful big old serving dishes stacked on the lower bottom shelves of the big old French kitchen dresser.
Oh, I am fed up, I thought, wanting to do something, but there was nothing to do. I was fed up with Ralph, him and his politeness, and all this pussyfooting around each other. I wonder what I ever saw in him. Particularly after seeing what he is really like.
I sighed and wandered out the door, heading into the sitting room, hoping something might get my attention. It smelled of lemon oil and the furniture gleamed with a burnished red, reflecting the light from the roaring-red log fire. They must have given it a good cleaning after the party, I thought, looking around, remembering I was not welcome here last night. Now here I am again. But somehow the good has gone out of it all. I feel very cheated. There’s too many unresolved questions and there’s been too much hurt. Oh, well, the damage is done now, there’s no going back. So what are you doing here, Martha? You’re only wasting your time and annoying yourself. Sure, you don’t want to be with him, then why not just go to your room? Get easy in yourself. I thought about that as I lit up a cigarette. Then sighed out a breath, thinking, No! I’m fed up with that. Anything is better than that. Oh, but is it? Think again! No! Anything is better than this. You’re just messing yourself up with him.
I was just thinking of walking out when the door opened. I looked over, seeing him come in carrying two glasses and a fresh bottle of wine. He turned, putting the bottle under his arm, and shut the door slowly, looking like he was thinking how he should handle the atmosphere. I wonder why he is even bothered! What’s he after?
He looked up at me, seeing I was staring at him coldly, and dropped his head, putting the wine and glasses on the table beside his sofa, and poured the drinks. I stood in front of the fireplace sipping my wine, then turned my head to look at the window, seeing the room with the flames licking up the chimney reflected in the glass from the darkness outside. He stood for a minute, thinking, looking into the distance. Then he sat down on the sofa and turned, looking for something on the table.
‘Please, may I?’ he said, pointing to the mantelpiece behind me. I moved out of the way and he helped himself to a box of cigars.
I threw the cigarette butt in the fire, feeling restless again, and started walking to the window, looking out. I could see my own reflection looking back at me. I’m all dressed up, I thought, and nowhere to go. Jaysus, I will be glad to get home! I thought, seeing him sit down and light up his cigar.
‘Martha!’ I heard him say, and I turned around slowly, taking my time to look at him, saying nothing. ‘I owe you an explanation,’ he said, lifting his chin to look at me, seeing the stony-faced stare out of me.
I waited as he paused. He was trying to find some life in me – a way in. I could read it in the hidden look behind the steady stare. It was just a flicker, then his eyes would shut down as they stared, wanting to give nothing away.
‘When that awful row blew up and you gave me some home truths as you saw them, quite frankly it did hit the target. You see, I have spoken a little to you about my time on the mission. Well, it was good, very good in fact, for quite some time. I found it challenging and I was totally absorbed, feeling I was meeting a need. Then it began to pale. I felt drained, my inner resources were drying up. I needed to get the hell out and perhaps seek a new challenge. I had been feeling that for some time. So I came here to rest and reflect on the future. I took a sabbatical from the order because I am not sure if that is now where I can best serve. Then you appeared like a bolt from the skies. Goodness,’ he said laughing, with his eyes back there remembering. ‘I thought I was seeing a ghost, Martha!’ he said, laughing up at me, slowly shaking his head. ‘I simply could not comprehend. But then the row,’ he paused, thinking about that. ‘I was extremely disturbed by some things you said, Martha. I cannot deny that it rocked me off my feet. I felt a great need to take myself away from the situation I was finding myself in with you. You see, it created
a great conflict for me. I have fallen deeply in love with you. I . . .’
Suddenly I felt a rage fly up. ‘Ralph, don’t you dare say that to me! You took off without bloody word or warning. You left me a note telling me in no uncertain terms I was not wanted here in this house, in your life. You didn’t even bloody bother yourself whether I had the means to get home. I had missed my flight!’ I said, raising my voice. ‘Then you come back and continue to ignore me like I really was a bloody ghost. To cap it all, you have a party last night and I’m not invited! Then you sit there now and tell me you love me? Did you tell that to the blonde bimbo last night, hanging on to your arm while you gazed lovingly into her eyes?’ I said, my voice rising to another pitch as I leaned myself at him.
He stared, letting his eyes show pain and worry and concern.
‘Remember the bleedin blonde with the red talons, the one who kissed you?’ I shouted, wanting to remind him.
‘Darling,’ he laughed, ‘do you mean Soviah?’
‘Yes, whatever her bloody name is!’ I shouted, feeling the rage roar up, getting really hot in me.
‘But she . . . I have no interest in her,’ he laughed.
‘Then why were you all over her like a bleedin rash?’
‘But, Martha, that lady is a butterfly. She flits hither and yonder, honing her charms, and is an outrageous flirt. My goodness, please, Martha, do give me some credit. Yes, of course I am entertained by her. She is fun and is indeed attractive. Of course I am flattered. I am a man first, you know, not a bloody eunuch. But for heaven’s sake, there is no substance to that lady. I would not feel the slightest interest.’
‘So why did you run away and dump me, Ralph? You were all talk about how much you care and love me. I don’t understand,’ I said, letting my voice trail away. ‘No, you don’t love me. You are in love with the bloody idea. Given enough time, you would be the same with Madame Butterfly! Soviah fuck-face,’ I said, wanting to disgust him. He hates foul language, as he calls it.
‘Darling, I do love you. I left because, as I am trying to explain, my mind and emotions were in turmoil. I have a complete split . . . a terrible conflict between desperately wanting you and my commitment as a priest. However one sees it, I am still a priest, but I want you more! Therein lies the difficulty. I can’t give full commitment to either,’ he said, looking at me with his eyes softening, letting all the pain and torment come through.
‘I am sorry, Ralph, but I can’t let you hurt me again. You have done this once before, when I was a young girl. In fact, Sarah can thank you for being born. Because if you hadn’t dumped me, I would never have gotten involved with Ulick. No, you are unpredictable, Ralph, there is no denying that fact.’
‘Darling, please. I have not even begun to explain what is happening with me. We need time to talk. It is not as you perceive it. Believe it or not, I went away thinking I was protecting you. I am so frightened of doing the wrong thing by you,’ he said, standing up and coming towards me.
‘No, don’t touch me, Ralph! If I let you inside me again, well, I am definitely asking for trouble. Hurt me once, Ralph, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. No, keep your distance. I am afraid of you now,’ I said, walking over to roll myself a cigarette.
‘Darling, please,’ he said, coming over to sit down beside me, resting his thighs against me. He put his arm along the couch behind me, letting it rest there. ‘Darling, I dearly want to marry you. But I need time to make the right decision for both of us. Please be patient with me,’ he said, landing his arm on my back then stroking me gently.
‘No, I don’t believe you. Anyway, another thing, did you sleep with the blonde?’ I said, wanting to know. ‘Would you tell me the truth?’
‘Good heavens, is that part of your difficulty with me? You actually think I slept with that woman? Darling, believe me, it is so incongruous the whole idea. No, of course not! But it did upset me when she kissed me in your presence. I did not take kindly to it,’ he said. ‘Unfortunately it happened and I did not see it coming. I knew it would hurt you. I thought to myself, Goodness, my poor Martha is going to think I am a right bloody cad. But if it had happened another time I would simply have laughed it away, thinking it was fun then forgotten about it. This is all part of the cut and thrust of male and female interaction. It means damn all, not to me anyway.’
I sipped my wine, still not feeling I could trust him no matter how sincere he sounds.
‘You look wonderful,’ he said, running his finger along my knee and up as far as the hem. ‘Honestly, Martha, if I wanted a woman, I would not pay you this much attention. For goodness’ sake, I would be off gadding about, sleeping with one right this minute. Not sitting here worrying about you and I. I love you, darling, please believe me,’ he said, lifting my chin to look at him. ‘I want you, darling. It drives me to distraction. You have no idea how deeply I have fallen in love with you in this short time. I have always loved you. Now, when I think just how courageous you are . . . I have always known you had great depth. Your extraordinary wisdom came through even as a young girl. You were wise beyond your years and now I understand a little of where it all comes from. You have a great store of inner resources. You have yet to develop your potential, Martha. I do not want to hurt you, that is why I am being cautious,’ he said, pulling me down across his lap and stroking my arm as his eyes softened, looking like they were going to melt with desire.
‘Ralph, I am not convinced,’ I said. ‘I still feel myself holding back from you.’
‘Darling, what can I do? Tell me, please.’
‘So why did you ignore me when you came back? Huh?’ I said, glaring at him.
‘For the same reason, Martha. We needed to talk but the opportunity did not present itself. I couldn’t approach you. I felt you were off limits after what happened between us. I needed to sort out some things in my head. I was simply overwhelmed. I couldn’t think. I needed to be away, darling! Of course I thought about you. But my hands were tied, darling! Do you see what I mean?’ he said, staring into my face, trying to get me to understand.
‘I don’t know,’ I sighed. ‘It’s all too much for me. Just give me another drink, please,’ I said, turning to get my glass.
He got up and poured more drinks, and I rolled myself a cigarette, holding that in one hand and the drink in the other. He came and sat back down and lifted my legs, looking at my shoes, then pulled them off, flinging them on the floor.
‘You do look well, darling. You have beautifully shaped legs,’ he said, running his hand along them.
‘Are you after sex, Ralph?’
He stopped and gave me a look of horror, letting his brows knit and his eyes stare in confusion. ‘What do you mean, Martha?’ he said, moving away and sitting up straight, giving me a very serious look.
‘Just what I said, Ralph,’ I glared, looking at him coldly.
‘With you, do you mean?’
‘No, not just me, or in this given situation, with me seeming to be readily available to you! Would you want sex with me? In other words, is it simply because I happen to be available?’
‘No,’ he said, standing up and walking away, looking back at me outraged. ‘Of course not! I do want you, I crave you. But I have already explained that. Soviah, for example, is a woman like many. For her, it is an exercise in fun. The joy is in the tryst! Then she would be bored and move on. Of course not, you bloody silly woman!’ he roared, getting very annoyed. ‘Do not insult me, Martha,’ he said quietly. ‘I do have principles. I would have thought you would know that. You know the emotional side of me better than most. I have shared that with you.’ He looked hurt as he held his drink in his hand.
I stared at him, seeing I had gone too far. But why not? I thought. ‘Well, Ralph,’ I said, looking up at him. ‘These things need to be said.’ Then I took a deep gulp of my drink.
Then something else hit me. ‘What was that viper after anyway?’ I said, looking at him, seeing him still nursing his pride.
He ga
ve me a quick look, then ignored me, taking a sip of his drink. ‘Who would this viper be?’ he said, looking at me but not really interested.
‘Bloody Soviah! Who else, Ralph? What was she asking you for? I know enough French to know she was trying to wheedle something out of you. Now, you said talk, so let’s talk, please. I really am curious.’
He looked at me, then a smile played around his lips and his eyes glinted with amusement. ‘Oh, I see, you want me to tell you what she was asking of me?’
‘Yes! Tell me,’ I said, feeling my antenna going up. ‘What was that one up to, Ralph?’
‘She would like me to accompany her to the ballet, then she suggested supper at her house, with a few people gathering later. Today, in fact!’ he said, grinning at me.
‘I see,’ I said slowly. ‘So what did you say?’
‘Well, darling, clearly I did not accept. I am here with you, my love!’ he smiled, giving me a melting look, with his eyes feasting on my body.
‘Would you have gone if I was not here, Ralph? Tell me the truth! It is not my business if we are not involved. So, would you?’
He shook his head, saying, ‘No, darling, I would not. I think she perhaps had me on the menu for a late-night snack after the guests had all petered away,’ he said, throwing the head back, giving an almighty roar, laughing the head off himself.
‘Oh,’ I said, thinking about this, feeling mollified, pacified even! ‘So, it’s only me you want, is that what you are saying, Ralph?’
‘Darling! What have I been bloody telling you all this time?’ he said, slowly walking towards me, then making a run and grabbing me to him.
I kept my arms hanging down while he had himself wrapped to me. I still held back, something wouldn’t let loose. I could feel his neck on my face and feel the softness of his skin. Then he held me away from him, looking into my face, saying, ‘You are impossibly lovely, my darling. Don’t fret yourself about the Soviahs of this world. You are so much more than they can ever hope to be. Darling, please try to trust me,’ he said, trailing off as his face came closer and his eyes looked like his soul was on fire. His whole face softened, looking like it was melting from a suppressed passion just waiting to erupt and tear free.
