by Martha Long
I could feel my breathing beginning to quicken and suddenly the ice running through my veins started to melt away, filling me with a sudden rush of heat as the passion started to erupt in me. It was now a fire racing itself around my body, making me want to flop, let myself melt into him, but I still held back, as I heard myself say his name. ‘Ralph,’ I breathed, whispering into his face.
‘Yes, my darling?’ he said, staring intensely.
‘Look, you are holding me and I have a glass dangling in the air,’ I said, moving my eyes to it.
He grinned, saying, ‘Shall I take it from you?’
‘No,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘It needs a refill.’
He stared at me, trying to work this out. I let a smile play on my face.
‘If I move, darling, may we come back to this point?’ he said, making it look like I would have to agree. I nodded. Then he sighed and put me lying back on the cushions, gently taking the glass out of my hand, and stood up.
‘Now, where were we?’ he said, handing me the fresh glass and taking a sip of his own.
‘What about getting me one of those cigarillos you offered earlier?’
‘Oh, yes, hang on, darling, I will have to go to my study. That is where I keep that stuff.’
17
I stood up, watching him shut the door behind him, feeling I’m all up in a heap. Listen, Martha, don’t start again, getting all carried away. This time you really need to think, work it out.
One half of me is going crazy with excitement. I’m nearly suffocating with the happiness at seeing he still loves me. He told me he is madly in love with me! He might even marry me! Jaysus! Me heart is flying. I can’t think straight. I’m going crazy for the want to just let go and bleedin drag him to bed if I have to.
But yet there is a little warning voice saying, no, it may come to nothing. I will end up in an awful state. Look at the first big and last mistake you made! Yeah, I fucking lost the head and ended up with Ulick! For the love a Jaysus, no! ‘Step back and calm yourself,’ I snapped, grabbing down and tearing up my high heels, putting them back on. I didn’t want to run a ladder in my stockings, I thought, looking down to see they were fine.
I wonder, I thought, walking over to stare out through the window, looking into the darkness beyond, is he actually, in fact, the marrying kind? Given enough time, would he really be able to bring himself down that road? I’m not so sure. This could drag on for a very long time. I should really pin him down more. But I’m not in a position to do that. As he said, he’s here now, trying to sort himself out. Then you come tearing in here on your mission like ‘Attila the Hen’, banging on his door, just turning up out of the blue. Expecting, well, if he still loves me he can marry me, no less! Because I’m waiting a lifetime for him, so he can get on with it! Jaysus! Think, Martha, that was the first he heard of it! Then what happens? You discover he still loves you then lose the head. You put the fuckin skids under him. No wonder he ran for the trees. You frightened the life out of him! What choice did he have? Poor Ralph didn’t know whether he was coming or going. So, yeah, he made a wise move. Get the hell out and say nothing to me. Otherwise we would have had it out there and then, and that would have been the end of us. As it was, by doing that, he still left us with an opening. I even understand now what the letter was about. By telling me to do what was right for me, he was saying, If you insist now on making demands I can’t meet, then there’s nothing I can do about it.
But he didn’t tell me to go, because the decision was mine, and I think he hoped I would stay. But if I did, it would be on his terms, as he needs time. Of course I stayed. Underneath all that bravado and fear and anger, I was secretly hoping he might still love me and we could make it up. So we have! But what now? Do I go home and wait for him to decide my fate? Or stay and let Sergei wait for me to decide his fate? Fuck! I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Ralph may never decide. Then I’m fucked, up the creek without a paddle. I will end up haunted and hunted without man or child! No, I have my mission to get married. I want more children while I’m still young enough to have them. But I am in my bleedin thirties, that’s not exactly a spring chicken! No, if only there was a way to speed things up. Sergei won’t wait for ever.
Gawd, if only he knew what I was up to. I wrote and told him I needed time to think, telling him I would write to him sometime in the next six months, letting him know one way or the other. Because it was all very sudden. So that’s where it stands at the minute. But, anyway, this is not his business. He knows I don’t love him. But I am considering his offer. So here I am.
Oh, bloody hell, all I want is Ralph! Ahh fuck! No, I can’t push him. It’s not even bloody fair on him, never mind ridiculous! But I’m under pressure. I need to get moving. ‘But Jesus!’ I sighed, ‘I only want Ralph!’ Hmm, I thought, because one way or the other, I am bound to him for life. I could never have this kind of love or passion with another man. No, there is only one Ralph, I thought. With or without him, for better or worse, I love him with all my heart. Yeah, I’m really only a one-man woman, I thought, staring down at my glass, seeing it was empty.
Jaysus, I polished the lot off! How did that happen? Where am I putting it these days? Mind you, I didn’t have a drop when he was missing. I didn’t even think of it. No, I’m not hitting the booze! It’s just me enjoying myself. ‘Now, where did he put that bottle?’ I muttered, deciding to deny meself nothing. I have been cautious far too long in my life. Time to let the hair down and let the devil take care of his own, I grinned, reaching down to pick up the bottle.
‘Here we are, sweetie, and I found these,’ he said, producing a box of Belgian chocolates. I looked, seeing the box was still wrapped with a ribbon. ‘Found those secreted in the kitchen,’ he laughed. ‘Hope Madame was not planning something useful for them!’ he grinned, whipping off the ribbon and opening the box. ‘Do take one,’ he said, holding it open for me.
‘Oooh, I love these, Ralph. They’re my favourite,’ I said, stuffing a big white one in my mouth, then roaming my eyes and fingers, moving in for the next one, taking up two this time. ‘Delicious!’ I spluttered, looking up at him with the chocolate dribbling down my mouth.
He stopped chewing and stared at me with a grin on his face. ‘No, don’t wipe it away,’ he whispered, shaking his head, coming closer as he pulled me to him.
‘What?’ I said, with my head leaning on his arm.
‘No, darling, you don’t really intend to lick that now, do you? Best leave it to me.’
‘Lick what? Leave what?’ I said, swallowing and laughing, feeling the thick sweet chocolate sliding down my neck.
‘This!’ he said, dropping his head without warning, clamping his lips on me. Then he gently kissed me, running his lips and mouth around mine, tasting the chocolate plastered on my mouth. Suddenly he pulled me tighter into his arms and kissed me hard, drawing out my breath, then plunging back in, locking his mouth as our tongues went deeper, searching and drawing on the other’s taste.
I could feel myself wanting to open, as the heat of passion started to take a grip. Then he stood back, looking at me with his eyes laughing softly, saying, ‘Hmm! That, my darling, is delicious.’ Then he dipped into the box and popped another one in his mouth.
‘Ooh, I liked that,’ I said, breathing hard, staring at him in astonishment with a ripple of delight and excitement running through me. I wanted more, as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
He just grinned back at me as he chewed, letting his brow lift, then he winked, giving me a sexy look, saying, ‘I knew there was a way to your heart. Eat up, darling, we might discover something even more delicious!’ Then he turned and landed the box on the table and whipped me up, sitting himself down, then sliding along the sofa, taking me with him. ‘Now for the chocolates,’ he said. ‘We really ought to have these with a nice dessert wine. I think there is a bottle in the fridge. Shall I go and fetch it?’
I hesitated, then heard him say, ‘Perhaps later. Meanwhile
, here are the chocolates,’ he said, leaning his arm across me and landing the box on top of my belly.
I picked up my wine, saying, ‘You have another one, Ralph, before I eat the whole box. Or take them away. I will be sick if I eat any more.’
‘Good idea,’ he said. ‘Now, I do remember earlier you made me a promise!’ he continued, running his hands along my leg then over my skirt and along my hips. ‘You do have a wonderful shape, darling,’ he murmured, stroking my belly.
‘That is very sexy,’ I murmured.
‘Yes, very,’ he sighed, kissing my face and barely whispering over my skin with his mouth. Then he sat up and reached for his drink.
‘Do you think we are acting like a couple of teenagers, Ralph? I mean—’
‘I know what you mean, darling,’ he said, interrupting me with a grin. ‘No, I would say they are acting like us!’
‘Like us?’ I said. ‘But we’re doing bloody nothing, Ralph!’ I snorted. Then I glared at him, saying, ‘Where do you get your self-control from, Ralph? You are made of bloody steel.’
‘Really?’ he said, raising his eyebrows. ‘So, pray, what is your secret? From where do you get your self-control?’ he said, looking at me with a smile ready to break out on his face.
‘Oh, yeah, I suppose you are right,’ I said, thinking about it. ‘So why are we being so self-controlled?’
He shook his head, saying, ‘I don’t know, why are we being so self-controlled?’
Suddenly I pulled away from him and jumped up, going to the centre of the room. ‘Well, I can tell you this now,’ I said. ‘I promised myself earlier, when I got dressed for dinner, you were not going to see these!’ I said, pulling up the hem on one side of my skirt and lifting my leg, letting him get a glimpse.
His shock at my suddenly moving slowly dissipated as his eyes lit up, taking in the sight of the stocking with the bare leg showing above. Then his mouth opened in a wide grin, saying, ‘Oh, you sexy little wench! Come here, you!’
‘No, forget it,’ I said. ‘You are not peeling your eyes on these again.’
‘Really?’ he said, letting his hands fall each side of him on the couch, getting ready to spring at me.
‘NO! Get stuffed. Don’t even think about it,’ I said, making for the door with a laugh fighting to erupt out of me.
‘I shall stuff you!’ he muttered. Then he sprang, and I whipped open the door, making straight for the hall, leppin outa me high heels. The next instant he was sprinting past me, flying onto the stairs and stopping with his arms held wide open, blocking my path. I nearly ran into him and stopped dead, saying, ‘Oh, bloody hell,’ spinning my head for a way to escape.
‘Now I have you, my beauty!’ he growled, making a leap and grabbing me up in two long strides. He held me out wide in his extended arms, shouting, ‘TO THE VICTOR THE SPOILS! You may keep the gold! But the wench is mine! All mine,’ he said, dropping me close into his arms and nuzzling my face and neck. ‘Yes, I have found my treasure,’ he murmured, walking back into the sitting room and dropping me on the sofa. ‘Move, woman, or I may be forced to titillate you with a feather. You may not like it,’ he said, lifting his jumper over his head, then opening the buttons on his shirt. Now,’ he said, whipping me up and sitting himself down, sliding along the sofa as he cuddled me to him. ‘Off with the skirt,’ he murmured, flipping me over and moving himself alongside me. ‘I demand satisfaction! Show me your treasures!’
‘No, I never break a promise,’ I said.
‘What?’ he said, grabbing my arms above my head and throwing his leg over me. ‘Do you intend resisting me, my little wench?’ he said, breathing close to my lips.
‘Yes, I do! I’m not afraid of you!’
‘Well, then, may the Lord have mercy on your head,’ he said. ‘I intend to plunder you! Sorry, darling,’ then he lifted my jumper and ran his hands along my stomach and under my breasts. ‘Shall you or I?’
‘No, you first!’
‘What! But I am a man, darling, I call the shots here! You are my booty! You are supposed to say—’
‘What?’ I said, suddenly moving and sending him flying off the sofa. He twirled, landing on his hands, and I was flying over him, making for the door.
‘Oh, it’s fun and games, is it? The lady runs to protect her virtue,’ he said, haring out the door after me.
‘No, stop, Ralph!’ I shouted, making for the stairs and into his bathroom. I just got a foot in the door when I was yanked back.
‘Oh, we intend fighting to the death!’ he said, whipping me over his shoulder and marching me into his bedroom. Then he landed us both on his bed, saying, ‘Now I have you in my lair there is no escape. Do you wish to pray first? Because I have not eaten in a long time.’
‘Fuck off, Ralph! Get stuffed!’ I shouted, rolling away from him. Then I screeched laughing as he grabbed hold of my foot and yanked me back as he dived after me, giving me a slap on the arse.
‘Got you!’ he said, twisting me around and lying on top of me.
I was breathing heavily, wanting but not wanting.
‘Now,’ he said, holding my arms out and putting his full weight on me. ‘Shall I love thee, my comely maiden?’
I laughed with nerves and the excitement setting my insides on fire. I looked into his eyes, seeing them shining with the want. He wants to take me, and I want to open to him. I could feel the weight of him sinking into me, with the powerful strength of his muscles and the heat of his body as he stretched along me, responding to me as my body turned to melting liquid as our bodies touched. I could feel him growing very hard between his legs and I wanted to open mine and wrap them around him. He was breathing heavily and my chest was rising to meet his as our breath got faster.
But then a feeling of fear hit me. I could feel it locking tight, shutting me down inside, cooling me very rapidly. Somehow I just knew it was not appropriate right this minute. We are both soaring with very powerful emotions. I am ecstatic he loves and wants me; he feels the same relief we are still together. But he is not yet ready to make a clear commitment to me. It would put him under a burden, make him feel forced now to make a decision. He is too honourable, and it would probably destroy our relationship because he did not arrive at it freely.
I could see him reading my face, seeing my fear as we stared at each other. I watched as the intensity slipped away from him, letting his face settle into a more calm softness.
‘That was great fun,’ I breathed, letting my own face settle, becoming more placid.
‘Darling,’ he whispered, looking into my eyes as he spoke softly. ‘Whatever brought our paths to cross once more, I am so very grateful it has happened. You have made me very happy, darling. You are so dear to me. I love you very deeply,’ he whispered, then slipped his weight off me, pulling me into his arms and letting us lie quietly.
I lay with my head on his chest, enjoying him stroking my hair and running his hand down my back. Then I said quietly, laughing as something occurred to me, ‘You didn’t get to admire my sexy underwear after all, Ralph. I did warn you I’m not that easy to be had.’
‘Yes, darling,’ he whispered, shifting to look at me. ‘But I have that to look forward to,’ he grinned. ‘I shall await your pleasure, my precious,’ he said, pulling me tighter to him and kissing my head, then running his hands more firmly up and down me, saying, ‘You are an extraordinary woman, Martha. You have such insight but you use it in such a loving way.’ He sighed, settling me beside him then cuddling me into his arms and staring into the distance.
I rested my eyes on his face with my hand on his chest, seeing him looking very relaxed as he stroked me gently, letting his hand roam around me while the other one held me cradled into his chest. I gave a huge sigh of contentment but wondered, will I ever hear the day when he will say, Martha, I have made up my mind. I know what it is I truly want. I want to marry you. It gave me a little shiver of fear, knowing I may never hear that. So I couldn’t be truly contented with that nagging fear haunting
me. I am not too lucky when it comes to love, I thought, thinking if only I had half the luck in that like I do when it comes to survival. Then I always come up smelling of roses, no matter what. It could be a raging epidemic demolishing half the population but I would still be around to tell the tale. How lucky can you get? But Jaysus, when it comes to love, I’m on the sunny side of the street when the other is raining bleedin pennies! Jaysus, I thought, pinning my eyes on his face again and stroking his gorgeous soft skin. Hmm, I sniffed, he smells lovely. No, it’s too good to be true. I can’t see myself being called Martha Fitzgerald, wife of Doctor Ralph Fitzgerald. It’s like waiting to see if your sixth number comes up to win the lottery. No chance! I wouldn’t win a fucking argument! Still, I couldn’t be better off than I am right this minute, I thought, reaching up to kiss him gently on the lips.
‘Hmm. Delicious,’ he breathed. ‘Your kisses are so sweet, my little honeybee. Do you know?’ he half-yawned, covering his mouth. ‘I do think if we lie here for much more we shall be saying we slept together,’ he laughed, sitting up on his elbow and looking down grinning as he gently landed his finger, rubbing it along my face. Then he bent down and kissed my nose, saying, ‘Shall we see what is happening downstairs, or . . .?’
‘Or what, Ralph?’
‘Come along,’ he said, lifting me to my feet and hugging me, then he was heading out the door, saying, ‘I need a cigar and we must check to see if the fire is still burning. Don’t you think, darling, that will keep us out of mischief?’
‘No, what’s the mischief option? Mind you, I got very little sleep last night because of you and your bloody rowdy party and your floozy girlfriend!’ I snorted, thinking of that again.
