Amber Nights - The Esquire Girls Series - Amber's Story (Books 1, 2, 3 & 4) - Box Set

by Cassie-Ann L. Miller

  Rage washes through me as I watch his broad shoulders, his perfectly-sculpted back, his silky hair. I walk up behind him and push him with all my force. He barely budges. “You did this to me,” I shout accusingly. “You made me want you. You begged me. You asked me to risk everything for you. And now, you’re just gonna throw me away? You’re just throwing me away like I’m nothing,” I cry. I push him again.

  The liquor sways in his glass but his body is unmoved.

  I have to get out of here. I’m leaving. I’m stomping towards the door when I feel the sharp ache of glass piercing through my flesh. A shrill yelp bursts through my lips as I stumble forward.

  Spencer spins around alarmed. In an instant, he’s set down his glass and he’s crouched down beside me. “Amber!” There’s panic in his voice. I try to push him off but the sight of my blood gushing onto the floor makes me woozy.

  He scoops me up into his strong arms, my tears clinging to his chest as he carries me to his bed.

  Chapter 12

  There’s blood everywhere.

  On the earth-toned carpeting covering the bedroom floor. On the cream-colored bed sheets. On the plush beige fabric of the upholstered bedhead.

  “Ouch!” I wince as Spencer holds a cotton ball dipped in rubbing alcohol to my wounded foot.

  “Shhh,” he says tenderly. His gaze still can’t meet mine, but now, instead of rage, it’s shame that veils his eyes as he strokes my shin affectionately. “Shhh.” He pulls gauze out of the first-aid kit next to him on the bed and bandages my foot. “I can call my doctor. He’ll come and make sure you’re okay.” His tone is quiet, soothing.

  “No – I want to go home,” I say, my voice so small.

  “Amber –“

  “I want to go home,” I insist. “I don’t belong here.”

  “Yes, you do. You belong here with me.” His eyes finally meet mine. Gleaming soft blue-green gems. “Please stay.”

  “No,” I cry. I have never felt so out of place and unwanted in my life. I pull my foot out of his grasp and ease to the edge of the bed.

  In a flash, Spencer’s hands are on my shoulders, gently pushing me back to the bed. I quickly give up my attempts to fight him off. “I haven’t been fair to you, Amber,” he says, his eyes misting over. “I’ve asked you for everything and given nothing in return.” His voice is so soft that it makes me ache inside.

  “Why did you treat me like that?” I whimper at the memory of how he had shut me out ever since he mentioned his dead wife’s name at the jazz lounge. The humiliation of his rejection burns in my chest with much more intensity than the pain caused by the cuts on the sole of my foot.

  He turns away from me.

  “Look at me, Spencer,” I demand softly.

  He forces his eyes to mine. He’s struggling. His breathing is ragged. Tears are welling up in the corners of his eyes.

  Alarmed, I sit up straight and run my palms down his cheek. “What is it, Spencer?”

  The first tear breaks loose and runs down his cheek with a reckless speed. “I – I don’t know where – I don’t know where to start.”

  I clasp my hands around his and wait patiently for him to speak again.

  “You remind me so much of her –“ He slaps his palm to his face to scatter the tears.

  Her name feels forbidden against my tongue. Like something I’m not allowed to say. But I need to know for sure. “Chloe?” I ask tentatively.

  “Chloe,” he answers as the tears burst out of him. He’s sobbing uncontrollably. “I’m so sorry, Amber. How could I do this to you?”

  I move closer to him and wrap him in my arms. Tears now flood my own face as I rock the beautiful man weeping against my body.

  Chapter 13

  Madonna’s “Into the Groove” fills the air.

  A sea of neon blue and lime green spandex crashes around me to the sound of the music.

  “And, one. Two. Three. Four – Keep up now – Five. Six. Seven. Eight. And, one –“

  I use my forearm to wipe the torrent of sweat beading down my face. My bangs are matted to my forehead and my bright yellow leotard is drenched. I look over at Hailey who looks like she’s about to pass out, yet she throws me a wink and pushes on.

  1980’s aerobics class is not my preferred way to spend a Wednesday night but it’s all I can do to keep from curling up into a ball in my bed and crying all night long.

  Yes – I’m suffering from withdrawal. I want Spencer.

  More than I want my job.

  More than I want to pop pills.

  More than anything.

  But I’m not willing to put myself through his brand of torture anymore.

  My life was fine before I met him and I just need to focus on getting back to that good place. I need to focus on my career and my friends and being a fun-loving, 20-something.

  I need to stop reading his pleading text messages over and over again. I need to stop replaying his apologetic voice messages all night long. I need to stop staring at the dozens of roses that he’s had delivered to my apartment…I need to move on.

  I toss a glance at Nadia, in her magenta bodysuit and an aqua blue headband restraining her wild afro. An ear-to-ear grin is splashed across her deep brown face as she bounces around on the instructor’s cue.

  Damn, what I would give to grin like that again.

  “Do you feel the pain?!?” the instructor shouts over the sound of the music while doing a series of jumping jacks followed by a weird hip-thrusting thing that sort of looks like she’s trying to bounce an invisible volleyball off of her pelvis.

  I wince at the irony of the question.

  Do I feel the pain?

  Hell yes, I feel the pain!

  Spencer has shattered my heart to shards. He’s torn me open and left me raw.

  I’m trying to convince myself that jumping around in bright-colored leg warmers and wristbands will help appease the burn. But deep down inside I feel like only another dose of Spencer Harrison will ever be enough to mend my broken bits and pieces.

  Chapter 14

  He stands and pulls me into a tight hug as I approach the park bench.

  It’s Thursday.

  Nearly a week since I’ve been away from him.

  It’s good to see him. To smell him. But my heart is rigid and guarded this time.

  “How’s your foot?” he asks as we settle into the bench.

  “Fine,” I say pulling a tight smile across my lips. I’m nervous. I don’t know how to be around him right now. The last time I saw him, he admitted that everything he felt for me was because I reminded him of his dead wife. Then, he spent the entire night apologizing and sobbing into my chest. I left the next morning feeling disoriented and hung over on confusion.

  He has texted me and called me and sent me gifts everyday since. He has begged to see me. I’ve resisted, but today, my longing to be near him has won out over my better judgment.

  He tips a plastic bottle of water at me. I take it and thank him before opening it and bringing it to my lips. The water is so refreshing. I hadn’t realized how dehydrated I was until I felt the first drops of liquid hit the back of my parched throat. It’s way too muggy today. It’s still so early in the season. I wonder if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest this New York summer.

  Spencer reaches around to the picnic table behind his back and grabs a brown paper bag. He pulls out two pita sandwiches that I’m assuming he picked up from a street vendor on the way. “Chicken or falafel?” he asks tilting them in my direction.

  I choose the falafel. I hadn’t been expecting food when I agreed to meet him, but I’m sure glad he’d been thoughtful enough to bring the sandwiches along because I’m starving after my ten-hour day at the office. I hum in pleasure as I bite into the delicious sandwich. Spencer sits watching me tenderly.

  That makes me uncomfortable.

  The look on his face is way too warm and fuzzy. I can’t deal with that when I don’t even know if I can manage to be near
him after everything he’s dragged me through.

  I fold the sandwich in the parchment paper it had been packaged in and set it down on the table behind me. I turn and face him, waiting for him to speak.

  He reaches down for my hand but I pull it out of his grasp. “Too much…” I murmur looking away.

  “I’m sorry, Amber. For everything. I’ve been an incredible ass. I know that.” His eyes are imploring me to forgive him.

  I can forgive him, but then what?

  I can’t forget how cruel he was to me the last time I saw him.

  I can’t forget the fact that he’s never really seen me when he’s looked into my eyes. That he only sees his dead wife in me.

  I can’t be with him.

  My impassive gaze has him off balance. “Amber,” he mutters my name.

  “Spencer, we obviously can’t continue this. I’m not who you’ve convinced yourself that I am. You can’t have Chloe vicariously through me.” Once I say her name, I wait for him to shut down like a computer that has just been infected with a virus. That’s what he always does at the sound of her name. but this time, his face barely twitches. He’s exercising self-control to the max. I continue “She’s gone, Spencer. Chloe’s gone…and I’m my own person. I can’t be ‘Chloe’ for you.” My tone is harsh. I know I’m hurting him. I try to convince myself that I don’t care.

  “Will you ever get it, Amber? The problem isn’t that I want you to be Chloe. It’s that I like you so much that I feel guilty. Like I’m betraying her every time I’m with you. What I feel for you is something I had reserved just for her. But you – you pull that out of me. And that scares me.”

  I feel a tugging in my chest. I can’t crack now. I know that Spencer is not for me. I’ve accepted it. My skin prickles with anxiety as I struggle to say the words I’d practiced in the mirror in the bathroom at work this morning. “Spencer, we shouldn’t see each other anymore. This relationship of ours moved way too fast. It’s not healthy for either of us. I’ll speak to Mr. Moretti and have him find a way to replace me in your file.” I push myself up to my feet.

  He springs to his feet to stop me from leaving. “Amber, I’m sorry – please.”

  An odd hush engulfs the space between us as we stand there looking at each other. He shifts from one foot to another. His nervousness is obvious.

  I’m the first to speak. “You were right the other night when you said that ‘we’ were a mistake.” I turn and take quivering steps away from him.

  His voice fills the air. I hear only dejection in his tone. “I’ve been alone for so long, Amber. When Chloe and our child died, I built a fortress all around me. I became a rich man. A powerful man. But I had no real purpose. My bank balance was growing by the minute but I had no one to share it with. I didn’t want anyone. I didn’t want anyone to take Chloe’s place…And then I met you. And my body told me that I had to sleep with you. But in my heart, I always knew that you were more. And it scared me – it still scares me. I don’t know how to be with anyone, Amber. But you can teach me again. Don’t leave, Amber. I need you.”

  I stand there frozen.

  My heart tells me to turn back to him and let him pull me into his arms and make it all better. But the memory of his rejection lingers in my mind. The sting is like a thousand wasps piercing into me.

  A soccer ball comes out of nowhere and slams me in the thigh, snapping me out of my paralysis. Spencer rushes to me as the teenaged boy who had kicked the ball in my direction runs up to retrieve it. “Watch it!” Spencer snaps at the stranger as he hovers over me protectively. The young man apologizes half-heartedly as he scoops up the ball and runs off.

  I shrug Spencer’s hands off of my shoulders. I speak without looking at him. “Goodbye, Spencer.”

  I feel my body drift out of the park and away from him.

  Chapter 15

  “Oh, there he is,” I coo.

  This is the first reason I’ve had to smile all week. This is everything.

  I reach out my fingertips and touch the screen. I caress my nephew’s smiling face through my computer monitor.

  “Say hi to aunty, Dylan. Say hi to aunty,” Eden’s face beams on the screen.

  Dylan gurgles and burbles and makes all the sounds that babies make.

  “He’s crawling now. You should see him. It’s hilarious. I’ve never seen somebody so happy to drag across the floor on their stomach. You should see him,” Eden gushes.

  I laugh. I tie the sash of my robe around my waist and check the time. 6:47 a.m. It’s still early. “Oh, I can’t wait to see him! When are you guys coming to New York?”

  “Actually, that’s why I wanted to speak to you – We’ll be there this coming Sunday,” Eden informs me.

  “Okay, did you guys reserve a hotel?” I ask taking a sip of my warm earl gray tea.

  “Ouch, Dylan. You’re hurting me!” I watch as Eden tugs a handful of her hair out of Dylan’s grasp. I laugh heartily. “It’s funny ‘cause it’s not you,” my sister snaps, irritated.

  “Sorry – He’s just so cute!” I say.

  “Whatever. One day, you’ll have your own baby and you’ll know what it’s like to be drooled on and peed on and to have your boobs ‘summoned’ at three in the morning,” she whines.

  “Don’t complain, Edie – you love it!” I coax.

  A smile pulls at her lips. “I do,” she confesses. “It’s the most awesome thing ever. Speaking of which, when do you plan to start kicking out some babies of your own? The clock’s ‘a tickin’, Bambi,” my big sister says, her face etched with worry.

  “Please don’t remind me about the clock, Edie. The clock is not an issue right now. I’m barely 25.” I feel a tad defensive.

  “What ever happened to that guy you were dating the last time I saw you?” she prods.

  “I told you, Edie. I’m not seeing him anymore.” I take a bite of my toast.

  “Well, that’s a shame. I was hoping you would work it out.” She sighs in frustration. “I wish you would just lighten up and live a little. Not everything has to be perfect. Sometimes, it’s okay to just roll with the punches.” Dylan starts slamming his tiny palms against the keyboard. Eden restrains his hands gently then kisses the side of his face.

  “But, you don’t even know what he did,” I whine.

  “I know you. And that’s enough.” My sister smirks at me through the computer screen.

  The last thing I want to think about is Spencer and the drama he’s introduced into my life. “I really don’t feel like talking about it, Edie,” I take another sip of my tea before changing the subject. “So, as I was asking – did you reserve a hotel for your trip?”

  Eden throws me a sheepish glance. “We were hoping we could just stay with you…”

  I glance around my cramped bedroom – my miniature bed, my overcrowded dresser, my constricted closet. The thought of having my two sisters, my mother, my father and my nephew in here for even a few seconds makes me feel claustrophobic. I sigh heavily. “I’ll book you guys a few rooms close to my apartment, okay?”

  My sister’s expression grows coy. “Gee…thanks, Bambi.”

  “No worries. But I’ve gotta go get ready for work now.”

  Eden looks down at her baby. “Okay Dylan. Say bye to aunty. Say bye-bye.”

  My nephew’s sweet face twinkles as I blow him kisses and say goodbye.

  Chapter 16

  “You’ve been sulking all week. What’s wrong with you?” Hailey is looking up at me attentively from where she’s sitting on the step in the fire escape which we’ve affectionately dubbed the “Esquire Girls executive lunch room”. Now Nadia, Ruthie and Luke all look over at me too.

  I take a bite of my tuna sandwich and silently evaluate how much of the Spencer situation I can reveal to my coworkers without cluing them in to the fact that I’ve screwed one of the firm’s biggest clients very much in contravention of the firm’s very strict “No Banging the Clients” policy.

  “I’m seeing this guy
–“ I am interrupted by Hailey’s excited cooing. “I was seeing this guy, actually – past tense – and I think he liked me because I reminded him of his ex.”