After Math

by Denise Grover Swank

  And he doesn’t want me.

  I take several deep breaths, counting to ten before I find the energy to walk to my car. Studying with Anne is a blur, and I go through the motions, forcing myself to concentrate.

  This is so unlike me that it shakes me to my core.

  By the time I’ve left Panera, I’ve regained control and even decided that I’m overreacting. So I have some schoolgirl crush on Tucker Price. Who doesn’t? This is a good sign, that I can actually have feelings about a guy, instead of the apathy I’ve had with every other guy I’ve gone out with.

  When I get home, I close myself in my room and pull out my homework. My fingers curl around my mechanical pencil and the lead glides across the paper, the crisp, smooth sound filling the quiet of my room. My lamp pools light on my desk. I’m in my own little world. Numbers and variables fill the page and my head, easing back the prickly emotions that make me uneasy. This is my nirvana.

  And for the first time, it’s not enough.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I’ve seen movies and read books in which the girl secretly pined for a boy who didn’t know she existed. I never understood why she didn’t move on. Why she got so stuck. But now I get it.

  I’m living it.

  Only it might be better if Tucker didn’t acknowledge me instead of showering me with niceness. We sit at Panera going over Tuesday’s algebra lesson. I’ve convinced myself that being with him in some way, even as a friend, is better than not being with him at all. He’s sweet and jokes with me, coaxing out my smiles. After thirty minutes, I’m more relaxed, and he seems relieved. He’s not awkward with this moody me, just subdued until I open up more.

  “Are we still on tonight?” he asks, but he doesn’t look at me. He keeps his gaze on the notebook in front of him.

  If I were smart, I’d say no. If I had any sense in my head, I’d convince the chancellor that Tucker needs another tutor. But my intelligence has fled along with my self-control and my common sense.

  He glances into my face as I hesitate, probably because I hesitate, and I see the fear in his eyes.

  He knows.

  Of course he knows. Why else would he apologize yesterday? He’d done nothing to apologize for. He knows, and yet he pretends like he doesn’t.

  I take several deep breaths and count to ten. I’m never nervous around Tucker, at least not until now. Now I’ve ruined everything.

  He’s still waiting for an answer.

  As much as I want to be with him, I can’t. It hurts too much. “No.”

  His eyes widen and disappointment sweeps over his face. “Why not?”

  I can’t admit the real reason why, and I don’t want to lie to him. I decide to tell him something that will make everyone happy. Everyone but me. “I already have plans tonight.”

  “Oh.”

  He doesn’t ask any more questions, but he’s quiet for the rest of our session. When our time is up, we pack up our things, and Tucker walks me to my car like he usually does. But this time feels different.

  I twist the keys in my hand. “So I’ll see you Thursday. You’re doing great, Tucker. You may not need my help for much longer at this rate.”

  He doesn’t respond for several seconds. “Then I guess I’ll have to work on looking more inept. I like knowing I have you to explain the lessons. You’re my safety net.”

  There’s affection in the way he says it, and I can’t help smiling. “I’ve never been called anyone’s safety net before. But the arrangement is that I tutor you until your grades have improved, and you no longer need me. As long as you need me, I’m yours.”

  Horror rushes in my head as I realize what I’ve just said, but Tucker smiles his sad smile.

  “You have no idea how much I need to hear that.” Then he turns and walks to his car.

  I watch him for a second then get in my car, processing the last hour in my head. I’ve made the right decision. For my own self-preservation, I need to create some distance between us.

  Before I leave the parking lot, I text Daniel and apologize for the short notice and ask if he wants to go out tonight. He answers me back within thirty seconds, asking if I want to go see a movie.

  This is good. I need to move on, and Daniel’s a great guy. So why does my heart hurt so much?

  I drive back to campus to finish my math lab hours. Between students, I text Caroline and tell her I have a date tonight. I’m glad it’s a text when she sends an excited Squeeeeeee!!!!!!

  Time drags, and I’m getting more and more nervous. Daniel texts and gives me the choice of a rom-com or an action movie. He seems surprised when I picked the action film and tells me it starts at seven forty-five, and he’ll pick me up around seven-twenty since I work until seven. I’m thankful there are few students waiting for help, and I get to leave ten minutes early.

  When I leave the campus, my stomach is a mess of nerves and fear. I reassure myself that people go on dates all the time. Daniel is not an ax murderer. We’ll be in a public place. But when I walk in the door, Caroline tosses her afghan to the side and hops off the sofa.

  “Where have you been?”

  I squint my confusion. “Working. Like I always do on Tuesday afternoons.”

  “We have to get you ready.” She drags me to my bedroom. Caroline seems more nervous than I am. I didn’t think that was humanly possible.

  “I’ve been on dates before, Caroline. Calm down.” I really need her to calm down. She’s freaking me out.

  Her eyes widen. “Dates? You mean those encounters with that beady-eyed science guy last year?”

  “He wasn’t beady-eyed.”

  Her head shakes in short bursts. “Oh, he was beady-eyed all right. He doesn’t count.”

  “He most certainly does count!”

  “Not like this. Daniel is normal.”

  I could argue that I’d had three normal dates other than the physics major I’d gone out with last spring, but I don’t see the point.

  Caroline deems all my clothes “hopeless,” and loans me a pink sweater that she says looks good with my complexion and dark hair. I draw the line at her putting on my makeup and fixing my hair.

  “For God’s sake, at least take out your ponytail.”

  Releasing an exaggerated sigh, I pull out the hair band and fluff my hair. “Better?”

  “I wish you’d wear your hair like that all the time.”

  “One step at a time, Caroline.”

  Caroline hands me a plate of pizza rolls she heated up, since I haven’t eaten since my partially eaten bagel at Panera. I’m brushing my teeth when the doorbell rings.

  Caroline’s eyes fly open. “He’s here.”

  “I swear to God, Caroline, if you don’t calm down, I’m going to slap you. One of us has to be calm, and it has to be you.”

  She takes a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m calm.” Barely. She opens the door and invites Daniel in. “So what do you crazy kids plan to do tonight?”

  Daniel smirks. “We thought we’d go see a movie.”

  I grab my coat off the chair and try to settle my nerves. Why am I so nervous? “Don’t mind her, Daniel. She’s scheduled for her lobotomy next week.”

  “Very funny,” she grumbles.

  Daniel and I walk to the parking lot, and I stuff my shaking hands into my coat pockets. He stops next to a pickup truck and looks at me apologetically. Most of the guys back home drive trucks, but the guys here at Southern tend to drive cars.

  “Sorry it’s so tall. It comes in handy with construction.” He shrugs and opens the passenger door.

  I have to step on the running board to climb in. Caroline wanted me to wear a skirt, but I refused because of the cold. Now I feel justified with my decision.

  On our way to the movie theater, Daniel tells me about his day and about working for his dad in Lebanon, Tennessee. He’s doing all the talking, and I’m grateful. The pizza rolls aren’t settling well in my stomach.

  After we purchase the tickets, Daniel gets some popcor
n and a drink, and we find a seat. Since it’s Tuesday, the theater is only half full. We’re early enough that we have a few minutes before the movie starts.

  Daniel takes a handful of popcorn. “So are you still tutoring Tucker Price?”

  My breath catches. I really don’t want to get into this with Daniel. “Yeah.”

  “That must be a bitch.”

  My mouth parts and I gasp at his rudeness. “It’s against the rules and unethical to discuss the people I tutor.”

  He scoffs. “Come on. Price lives his entire life seeking attention. You can’t tell me that he doesn’t expect you to talk about it. Hell, I’m surprised he hasn’t begged you to.”

  Tucker may live an attention-seeking life, but that’s not the Tucker I see. I refuse to share details of our time together. The Tucker I know seems vulnerable. I almost laugh at the thought, but I still feel protective of him. “It doesn’t matter whether he wants me to talk about it or not. I’m not going to.”

  Daniel leans back and views me through narrowed eyes. “Don’t tell me you have a thing for him. I thought you were different than every other girl at this school.”

  The blood in my veins catches fire, and I have trouble catching my breath. “I’m here with you, aren’t I?”

  He shakes his head. “That doesn’t prove anything. It’s not like he’s going to ask you out. You’re not his type.”

  His insult is clear. I’m not good enough to garner the attention of Tucker Price. I wonder what he’d say if he knew that Tucker had come over to my apartment the night I met Daniel and that Tucker spent the night in my bed. But the truth is he’s right. Tucker will screw every other girl on campus, but he’s not interested in me.

  Daniel quickly realizes what he’s said and panic spreads across his face. “That didn’t come out right.”

  I clench my teeth to stop my chin from quivering. His statement has hit too close to home.

  He leans closer and takes my hand in his. “Scarlett, I swear that came out wrong. I just meant that he usually goes out with girls who are loud, obnoxious, and flashy.”

  I agree with his assessment, but I’m still hurt and consider leaving.

  “Scarlett, I’m sorry. Price and I have history, and I took it out on you. It wasn’t fair.”

  The lights dim and the previews start before I can answer. I’m angry with myself when tears sting my eyes. The fact remains that Daniel’s telling the truth. I’m not Tucker’s type, and Tucker has made it painfully clear he isn’t interested in me. Nevertheless, while I like Tucker, it’s not for the reasons every other girl on campus does.

  I like him for the person he lets me see and doesn’t share with anyone else.

  That thought is what keeps my butt glued to my seat, and my hand in Daniel’s firm grip. That thought is more dangerous than anything Daniel might inadvertently say to me, because that thought encourages me to hope for things out of my reach.

  I try to pay attention to the movie, but I can’t focus when I’m concentrating on not hyperventilating. I start reciting prime numbers up to seven hundred and forty-three in my head, then move on to square roots with rational numbers. Old soothing habits I picked up in middle school. When one of Momma’s boyfriends lived with us for two years of hell filled with drinking, smoking, loud arguments, and police visits every time he resorted to taking his frustration out on Momma with his fists.

  When the movie’s over, I’m exhausted in every way—physically, emotionally and mentally. Daniel wants to stop and get something to eat, but I can’t do it. I can’t fulfill this social role a minute longer than I have to.

  Daniel pulls into the parking lot of my apartment complex. I open the door before he has the engine turned off.

  “Scarlett,” he calls out, worry in his voice. “Hold up.” He jumps out, running around the front of the truck. He intercepts me, grabbing my arm. “Wait.”

  I try to look into his face, but I can’t make myself do it. I’m embarrassed both by my behavior and what he thinks of me.

  “Scarlett, I think we got off to a rough start here, and it’s entirely my fault. I’m sorry.” He pauses, and I lift my chin to look at him. “Just because Price and I have had our differences doesn’t give me the right to treat you the way I did. You’re stuck tutoring him, and I should be understanding of that. I get it.”

  I want to tell him it’s okay, but I can’t make myself do that either.

  “Will you give me another chance? Please?”

  I want to tell him no, but when I look at the evening objectively I can’t say he did anything terribly wrong. Everything he said was true, even if it came out wrong. No one is perfect. Lord knows I’m far from it. “Okay.”

  He wraps a hand around the small of my back and pulls me gently to his chest while his other hand cups my cheek and lifts my face. His lips brush mine, and when I don’t pull back, he takes it as encouragement. His tongue runs along my bottom lip before seeking an opening to my mouth. I let him kiss me, and while I kiss him back, hoping that this time will be different, that this time I’ll feel something.

  His hand on my back slides to the front and finds the opening to my coat, then settles on my hip.

  I wait for the feelings I’m supposed to feel and although it’s pleasant, it’s far from earth-shattering.

  His hand slides upward, and I involuntarily stiffen. Daniel stops, lifting his head. “Can I see you on Thursday night?”

  I shake my head. “I have a big test in set and logic on Friday. I need to study.”

  “Surely you can squeeze me in a couple of hours.”

  He knows how worried I am about this class. I’ve told him so multiple times. “No. It’s Friday or nothing.”

  Irritation flashes briefly across his face. “Okay.”

  For the life of me, I can’t help wondering why he wants to go out with me again. I can’t figure out why I’m agreeing.

  “I’ll walk you to your door.” He removes his hand from my waist and returns it to my back.

  I lightly push his arm away. “That’s okay. I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later.”

  He doesn’t look happy. Maybe he wanted another kiss at my door, but he says, “Okay,” and returns to his truck. I walk across the parking lot as he drives away. I pause halfway up the stairs and turn around, sitting on the step and lean my head against the railing. I can’t walk into our apartment and face Caroline. She’s going to want details, and I can’t bring myself to share them yet. There’s no doubt that tonight was a disaster.

  What the hell is wrong with me?

  This isn’t the first time I’ve asked myself this question, in a multitude of situations. But this time specifically I’m referring to my inability to feel anything when being kissed by a man. Maybe I’m just too broken.

  That’s the part that scares me the most. That I’m too broken to love anyone.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I sit on the steps for at least ten minutes, crying out my heartache and anguish. I’ve gotten control of myself when a dark figure turns from the street and jogs across the parking lot. He’s wearing a gray sweatshirt, and the hood is over his head. His muscled calves stick out from under his long shorts, and I know who it is before he’s at the bottom of the staircase, pulling back his hood.

  Tucker.

  He looks up and sees me.

  I wipe my fingertips across my cheeks and keep my gaze on him.

  He takes in my movement. I’m sitting in the shadows, and I’m grateful he can’t see my face. I’m sure my nose is red and my eyes are swollen.

  He leans over his knees, out of breath, his eyes still on mine. After several seconds, he climbs the steps, one slow step at a time until he sits next to me and takes my hand in his, lacing our fingers and squeezing.

  I close my eyes and lean my head into his shoulder.

  We sit like this for several minutes, maybe longer. I lose track of time because all I know is that sitting like this with him feels so right, so perfect.

  His thu
mb rubs the back of my hand, making slow circles, and I feel the tension leave my body.

  Finally, he breaks the silence, his voice soft and soothing. “Want to talk about it?”

  I shake my head, my temple still pressed against his shoulder. Tucker is the last person I want to tell about my night with Daniel.

  He pulls his hand from mine, and I’m sure he’s about to leave, but he wraps his arm around my back and pulls me against the side of his body. His free hand picks up my hand, curling over the top so his fingers now caress my palm.

  “Do I need to kick the shit out of someone?” His arm tightens around my back. “Because if I find out who made you cry, I’m liable to do just that.” His words are soft, but somehow I know he means every word.

  I shake my head again, burying my cheek into his chest. I must be dreaming because this can’t possibly be real. Tucker has not shown up outside of my apartment. He’s not holding me in his arms. Why is he here?

  I look up into his face and his gaze lowers to my mouth. His arm tightens around my back, and he closes his eyes, pressing his forehead against mine. For several seconds, our breaths mingle and we’re breathing each other in. I’m amazed at how right this feels. Like I’ve been searching my entire life for this peace I feel in his embrace.

  His head rises, and he gives me a sad smile. “I need to go.” But he doesn’t release me, instead looking into my eyes.

  “Okay,” I whisper.

  “Thursday?”

  I nod. “Thursday.”

  He sighs and climbs to his feet. His hand reaches for mine, and I put my palm in his. His fingers curl gently around my hand, and he pulls me to my feet. “Are you going in now?”

  “Yeah.” I feel calm enough to face Caroline, although I’m not sure what I’ll say to her.

  He releases my hand and smiles.

  “Goodb—”

  Tucker places his finger on my lips. “Don’t say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.” Sadness creeps into his eyes.