Just Sex

by Kristen Flowers

  My hands worked at a furious pace as I ripped the plastic bag, broke the cookie open, and pulled out the small strip of paper.

  - If you don’t open up your heart to truly love, you’ll always be wondering what it is you truly lost.-

  I stared at the fortune and then at the shattered cookie in my hand. I looked back up across the street at the man hobbling away and toward the bright full moon framed perfectly above the street.

  My breath went still.

  Of all the people, on all the streets in New York, and of all the fortune cookies—he ran into me and gave me this fortune.

  I watched him slowly disappear into a crowd of people and then looked up into the night sky. “The old man under the moon.” I whispered to myself with a shocked smile.

  I gulped and turned around. Red and pink lights caught my eye as I turned to see little twinkle lights hanging on the patio of an Italian restaurant a few steps from where I stood. It looked very romantic, so it made sense that it was packed with couples on dinner dates. I thought about everything Tina had said.

  And I thought about the fortune cookie in my hand.

  A smile cracked along my face as I wondered what Ethan might say if I ever told him what had just happened. I could practically hear his laugh. My stomach flipped and for a moment I felt the strangest mix of pain and happiness. I missed the sound of his laugh and the sound of his voice. I thought about the last time we were together. It was the night we played the game he suggested. That was the night everything changed—for both of us. Only Ethan had been the only one brave enough to accept it and admit it.

  He was right. He was absolutely right. We were so free around each other. That was why we loved each other’s company so much. It was easy and fun and honest. I felt around him a way I had never felt around another man. I had just been so set on pushing away any feelings I wasn’t willing to admit until now.

  Before I could back out, I pulled my phone from my purse and pulled up his number. I looked at the photo I had of him and smiled sadly.

  “This is it,” I breathed out.

  I hit the little bubble beside his name and sent him a text message.

  I gulped down the last of my water and reached for the pitcher in front of me to get more when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I froze, hand hovering mid-air right next to the pitcher’s handle. I shut my eyes and took a couple deep breaths, forcing the image of Amanda out of my mind. The last time I got a text message during a meeting was before she stormed in, yelled at me, and then ended things.

  I tried to forget the bit about her rejecting me but, of course, that was all I could think about. I pulled my phone out from my pocket discreetly, which was something of a challenge now that my hands had started sweating. When I pressed the home button and saw Amanda’s name on the screen, I had to shut my eyes, count to ten, and take a second look. That was the last person I expected it to be, even though she was the only person I wanted to hear from.

  -I’m on my way to your office so we can talk.-

  I gulped. I looked around the table, but nobody noticed I was distracted from the presentation.

  I quickly tapped out a reply.

  -I’m in a late meeting.-

  Minutes passed and there was no reply. I started to feel more nervous than when I first got the message. A few minutes turned into ten and then fifteen. I started to wonder what was going on.

  “Mr. Wood, have you reached a decision about the newest buyer?”

  I looked up from the portfolio on my desk and tried my best not to look too caught off guard. The truth was, I hadn’t given any thought on it. Unfortunately, a decision had to be reached during this meeting. I was against the wall. I nodded slowly and reached forward for a sip of water.

  I was stalling and looking awkward while doing it. “I have but I’d like to put it to a vote.”

  There were murmurs around the room, which quickly quieted down as soon as I started gazing at everyone seated. I figured I’d say whatever the majority did. For the most part, the people in the room with me had great business sense and knew what was best for the company. “A blind vote, I’d like to clarify. So if you could collect votes? I’ll count them myself.”

  “Five minutes, everyone,” Mr. Mulligan said as he handed out slips of paper. Everyone around the table flipped through pages before scribbling their decisions down.

  I sat back and flipped through my portfolio, feigning interest. Even though I appeared to be scrutinizing every detail of the reports put together for me, all I could think about was Amanda. I couldn’t stop wondering she wanted to talk about. It didn’t make sense. We had done nothing but argue and she kicked me to the curb when I had the guts to finally tell her how I truly felt. Go figure, the first girl I could actually see myself with and this was how it ended.

  Not everyone turned in their vote yet, but thirty minutes after I received Amanda’s message, I saw her storm into my office for the second time. She immediately made her way toward the conference room. Thankfully, I snapped out of my thoughts and immediately shot up from my seat.

  “Excuse me, everyone. I have to take care of this,” I announced before rushing out just in time to stop her from opening the conference room door.

  I shut the door of the behind me, but that didn’t offer much privacy. I cursed myself for ordering the conference room be enclosed in glass windows. Everyone could see me standing in front of Amanda. That meant everyone I worked with saw how unsure and nervous I looked.

  I, however, soon forgot about all the faces looking at us. I practically felt like I was on a stage. It didn’t matter. The only thing I wanted to pay attention to now was the woman standing in front of me. A part of me never thought I would see her again.

  “Amanda what- what are you doing here?”

  “I told you. I came here so we could talk.”

  “I thought we were done talking. Or yelling. Or pretty much done with everything having to do with each other.”

  She looked at me with wide eyes. I thought I saw sorrow in them, maybe even regret. I looked away for a moment, casting my gaze to the carpeted floor beneath me because I didn’t want to read too much into it. I didn’t want to project my own feelings and desires on her. Maybe she was here to make sure I understood nothing would ever happen between us. Finally, I looked back up at her and waited. I waited for what felt like an eternity to hear what she had to say.

  “That’s not what you want, is it?”

  “I told you that isn’t what I want.”

  “Okay,” she said softly. She hesitated for a moment after glancing over her shoulder at the people in the conference room.

  “Don’t worry about them.”

  Amanda cleared her throat and took a step toward me. My heart started to race. I never thought I would see or talk to her again, much less be this close to her. I thought about all the moments I had her in my arms. I remembered the last time we were together. There was something special about that night. That night was different; even if she didn’t want to admit it.

  “Ethan,” she finally said softly.

  Her voice was unsteady. My heart rate sped up even more. I stuck my hands in my pockets and wiped my palms down. This sort of nervous reaction was extremely rare for me. Not once in my life had I ever looked forward to sleeping with the same woman time and time again, talking to her, or just being around her.

  “I was wrong,” she said as she looked up into my eyes. They were watery with tears.

  I cleared my throat, but still my voice cracked, “You- you were wrong?”

  “Yes, Ethan. I was wrong. I was wrong about everything and please, please don’t make me say it again.”

  “But Amanda–”

  “Even deciding to come here was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I shouldn’t have flown off the handle. I shouldn’t have disrespected your workplace and embarrassed you. I’m sorry if that caused you any problems here.”

  My heart dropped. I could feel a pressure in my h
ead as I realized she was only there to apologize for her behavior and nothing more. Maybe the feelings between us weren’t mutual. A moment of despair washed over me as I thought about how stupid I was to tell her how I truly felt. There was nothing more to this meeting. She wanted to get this over with and be on her way, never to see or speak to me again. I swallowed the lump in my throat and felt it sink heavily in the pit of my stomach.

  “I see. Well, thanks for the apology but don’t worry, there were no problems.”

  “Ethan, please.”

  “What?”

  “That’s not all. Do you really think I’d come down here at night after everything that happened just for that? Do you honestly believe I’d come to apologize for interrupting you at work by doing the same thing again? Please, Ethan. Have a little more faith in me.”

  I gulped and responded in as steady and cool of a voice I could, “I can’t exactly have ‘faith’ in you after what happened.”

  Amanda looked away from me. She looked hurt, but I wasn’t going to take it back. It was honest and understandable. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and cleared my throat. If she was just here to rub in the pain she’d already caused, then I wanted it over with as soon as possible.

  “I can’t blame you for that. Fine. I can’t beat around the bush or try to hint at it. You need to hear it directly, right?” She paused, took a deep breath, and then turned to stare me straight in the eyes. Her dark blue eyes were filled with more intensity than I had ever seen. I felt a quiver run through me. “The thing I was most wrong about was rejecting you. I should have never done that. I should have never shot you down when you opened up to me. I told you coming here right now was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But you know what was even harder than that? Realizing how bad I’d fucked things up.”

  Amanda took another step forward. I could smell her. I inhaled the subtle, flowery scent that I loved so much about her. I looked at her lips and remembered how perfectly they fit with mine. I remembered the sweet taste of her breath and how smooth her skin felt on me. I could almost feel her warmth and every bone in my body ached to pull her in close to me.

  “Ethan, I was wrong the whole time to ignore my feelings for you out of fear. I made a huge mistake when you pushed past your own issues and told me how you truly felt about us. But all I gave you in return was pain. The truth was I was scared. I was terrified of falling for someone and getting hurt all over again. I buried my feelings deep down inside and tried to pretend they didn’t exist.” She drew in a deep breath and smiled as a tear finally tipped over and rolled down her cheek. “But that doesn’t work. You can’t just burry your feelings inside because they’ll always escape. And you can’t control how you feel.” She said as she tossed her hands up and let them slap back at her sides in frustration. “So, I’m just letting go. I’m not going to fight it anymore. I can’t fight it anymore. I love you, Ethan.”

  My heart skipped and lurched before it started rattling in my chest. Love. That was precisely what I felt toward her, but I was never able to identify it. All I knew was how she made me feel and how much I soared every time I saw her light up with a smile. I wanted to give her all the happiness in the world. I never wanted to give up the sound of her voice or the way her body felt when it was near me. It was love. I had never felt it before.

  “I love you too,” I breathed out. Amanda stared at me teary eyed. My vision blurred and I knew there were tears in mine as well.

  “You don’t have to say it just because I did,” she said with a tiny laugh.

  “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it,” I assured her. “I knew even before you did.”

  “Oh, really? When did you know?”

  “I knew from the moment I first saw you— the moment I hit you in the face.”

  “You mean the moment you disfigured me?”

  We both laughed. I looked at her shining eyes and wide smile and my chest tightened around the fluttering I felt inside. I had missed her laugh so much. Even after everything that had happened, the uncertainty, the sadness, the anger, and the awkwardness—even after all that, things were just so easy between us. Jokes could just roll of our tongues and we’d both laugh in delight.

  “That’s not actually when I knew you were someone special. It was two years ago when I put you in the taxi at the hospital and you drove away. We never exchanged numbers or last names. I watched the back of your head as you drove out of my life for, what I thought was, forever. Something inside of me hurt and I couldn’t make sense of it because we had only just met. That was when I knew.”

  “Ever the romantic,” she smiled warmly.

  I reached out and placed a hand over hers. Amanda stayed quiet, but I felt her small, thin hand curl into a fist underneath mine. I pulled my hand away and took a step forward. I towered over her and she had to look up to meet my gaze. We looked into each other’s eyes for a moment.

  “Amanda, we stumbled into each other at that bar two years later. What were the odds of that happening in a city of eight million? Really? Life doesn’t just hand people second chances like that. You have no idea how thankful I am that I saw you there and went to pick you up with one of the cheesiest lines I’ve ever used.”

  She beamed with laughter, “You didn’t even know it was me at first.”

  “Maybe I didn’t, but shouldn’t it tell you something that my eyes landed on you that night? I could have just as easily picked up another woman, your friend included. But you caught my eye. Don’t you think there’s a reason for that?”

  “I guess you have a point.”

  “Stop fighting it so much. I got a second chance, a real one, and I count myself the luckiest man in the world. I’ve got to be.”

  “Well, if you’re the luckiest man then it makes sense for you to end up with the luckiest woman in the world.”

  “We make quite a pair,” I whispered, inching closer to her.

  “We certainly do.”

  I placed my hands on her arms and stopped to savor the moment. I wanted to memorize the look in her eyes and every detail of her beautiful face. I reveled in the warmth under my fingertips and the palms of my hands. It felt like every inch of my body was trembling. I leaned my head in and closed my eyes.

  Our lips brushed and after a second or two, I kissed her. I kissed her in a way I had never kissed anyone before—full of affection. Full of love. Even though we had kissed plenty of times before, this one felt like it was our first. Because this kiss meant something different. This kiss represented the start of something new.

  I pulled away reluctantly and, from the corner of my eye, I could see all my coworkers looking on with small smiles. I ran my thumb over Amanda’s cheeks and brushed against the wetness of her tears.

  “Don’t cry,” I told her softly.

  “I’ll stop if you do,” she bargained.

  I tilted my head and furrowed my brows, taking my hand off her cheek to wipe my own. Sure enough, they were as wet as hers. I laughed, “I didn’t even realize.”

  “Feelings have a knack of sneaking up on you,” she chuckled.

  “They certainly do,” I muttered against her lips before kissing her again.

  It was sweet and slow.

  I savored every second of it, wishing it could last a lifetime.

  And knowing it would.

  The bright bulbs surrounding the framed mirror illuminated every inch of my skin. It was helpful for putting on makeup and taking it off. I swiped the sponge with liquid makeup remover across my cheek until the light foundation and other makeup came off. I leaned in and peered carefully at the outline of my nose. Some of it had smeared during the performance, but it was small enough that even the audience seated on the front row wouldn’t have noticed. I cleaned off the last bit of makeup and tossed the sponge into the small trashcan sitting atop the black counter.

  I leaned back and exhaled. It was a long day and tiring night, but every sore muscle was more than worth it. I was the last one
in the makeup room, lined with three vanity tables on each wall, so it was perfect to take a little breather before heading home. This was one of my favorite rooms to be in backstage because it was, in my mind, where the biggest transformation happened. I liked the camaraderie shared between the supporting cast in this room more than the privacy the lead roles enjoyed in their private dressing rooms.

  That wasn’t to say I didn’t one day hope to land the lead role. I was currently a supporting character, an important one, in a major Broadway production. I was over the moon about it. So my next logical step was to one day be the lead.