Just Sex

by Kristen Flowers

  I huffed and shoved the package of cookies aside. I knew it wasn’t true, but he still ruined the joy of gorging myself with sugar. “I’m not desperate. Actually, I’m seeing someone.”

  True to form, Zak laughed annoyingly, “Oh, the poor guy.” He kept laughing for a few more seconds.

  Maybe it was out of anger and for all the wrong reasons, but I went for it anyway. “Go fuck yourself, Zak.”

  He mocked being hurt. I could picture him clearly, clutching his chest and contorting his face like I had just shot him through the heart. When he finally stopped his noises of pain I decided to come clean. “You know him, actually.”

  “Did you poach one of my buddies behind my back?”

  “Not exactly,” I told him rather sheepishly. “It’s Axel.”

  Zak's laughing and playful jokes went quiet in an instant. My heart sank and I started to feel a bit nervous, thinking I had made a mistake to bring it up so soon. Just before my mind went totally into overdrive he spoke up, “Oh Randy. Oh shit.”

  “Don’t call me Randy,” I snapped.

  “Fine,” he bit back.

  “What’s the problem?” I tried to sound firm when I asked, but I knew Zak would pick up on the quiver in my voice. I was nervous, but I hoped he was done messing with me and, if he was being serious, that he didn’t try to make light of it.

  “Axel,” his voice was angry. “Fuck. I'll kick his ass.” He was getting overprotective, but this time I wasn’t sure just how serious he was being. Either way I couldn’t imagine an actual fight between the two so I decided not to worry about it.

  “No you won't,” I finally teased. “He's like double your size.”

  “Stay away from him,” Zak warned. He wasn’t joking and I could tell he didn’t care for the comment I had just made either. It was a rare occasion I got this side of my older brother so it made me even more concerned.

  “And why should I?”

  “Don’t you ever wonder why I stopped talking to him? Guy is a giant douche. I swear, he thinks he can just buy the world and everyone in it. I wasn't his friend; I was his employee.”

  There was disappointment in his voice. I realized this really was the first time he had talked to me so openly and honestly about what happened between him and Axel. Apparently that was all one big letdown and now he was worried the same thing was going to happen to me. I had a twinge of unease inside my gut. Guilt, sadness, and paranoia all mixed into one jumbled mess.

  I pursed my lips and buried my face in my hand, sighing into it. I started thinking about how Axel hired me. It all started with me being his employee, so how could I even try to ignore what Zak was warning me about? Being my regular client wasn’t enough for him; Axel had to nab me away from the rest of the world and make me his personal therapist. I was now essentially at his beck and call; I even signed my life away at his request. And through it all he had treated it like the most trivial thing in the world. I felt my stomach drop further. It burned. I hated feeling like I had made a terrible mistake, that my brother was totally right about all this.

  “Look, Mira, all I’m saying is don't let him treat you like just some hired hand. Don’t let him treat you like crap the way he is with everyone he hires. He just thinks of them as people he throws money at, like they’re less than him or something. You're so much better than that, sis.” Zak sounded genuinely concerned for me.

  I didn’t want him to worry too much about me, especially not for this. He had done enough by being so honest. I wanted to resent him for bursting my bubble, but deep down, I knew it was for the best. Living on cloud nine only made the fall that much harder and with someone like Axel I really needed to stay grounded. Plus, I was getting misty at my big brother being so protective of me. It wasn’t something I wanted to take for granted. I figured living in my little dream land where Axel was concerned also shouldn’t be taken for granted.

  “I know,” I said softly. “I’ll think about everything you told me, Zak. I know you’re only doing it because you care. Just remember I value myself too much to let some dude treat me like crap, okay? I won’t let him get away with that.” I was trying to placate his feelings, sure, but there was truth to my words.

  “I’m glad to hear it, sis. You should value yourself.”

  I felt my chest swell. It was rare for Zak to earnestly let me know he thinks I was amazing so when he did it really got to me. “Thanks, Zak.” I was about to end the call but I added, “You should too, you know.” I told him I loved him and he said he did too. Then the call was over. I curled up in bed feeling crappy from the conversation.

  “This sucks,” I complained to the empty room. I really wanted to think I wasn’t stupid for going after Axel when I had the chance, but it was hard to think anything else. I loved it, but I didn’t want to be played a fool.

  I sat up and stared at the open door of my bedroom. I placed my hand on the fluffy comforter and felt how soft it was. I thought about how I had never gotten Axel in my room. We had only ever done it in the massage room at his workplace and on his schedule. I slammed my fist down on the bed angrily. Maybe I already had been played the fool and I just didn’t want to admit it.

  I pushed myself up off the bed and went to the liquor cabinet, where the leftover alcohol and chocolate syrup from Shellsea’s last visit was stored. I made a chocolate martini, just as strong as Shellsea had during her own moment of despair. When I caught a whiff of the stuff it dawned on me that excess and taking what I wanted was what got me mixed up in this mess to begin with. My journey toward ‘moderation’ and ‘Zen’ was correct the whole time.

  I promptly walked over to the sink and poured it down the drain.

  It was time to get my life in order.

  It was time to head out for practice, but I wasn’t ready to go yet. There was no one to watch Molly; I couldn’t bring myself to hire any of the nannies I had interviewed and I wasn’t able to schedule a last minute slot for her at the daycare. I was frustrated and stressed. I couldn’t miss practice; coach didn’t like anybody to skip practice, ever. I knew there was only one option, but I didn’t like it and I knew the coach and teammates wouldn’t either.

  “Shit,” I muttered under my breath just in case Molly was hiding somewhere near me. The last thing I needed on top of everything off was for her to go off spouting curse words in front of others. I had to take her to practice, but I wasn’t prepared for it. I scurried to stuff essential items in a reusable tote bag and called out for her. She didn’t show up and the house was silent. I got irritated. This wasn’t the time for games.

  “Molly,” I called out again, walking toward her playroom. Sure enough, she was wearing a little apron over her clothes and was hiding in the standing closet for some reason. She popped out and screamed. I didn’t have the energy to act scared, but when I saw a pout form on her lips I immediately tried to fix it.

  I dropped to the floor and crawled backward to the other wall, bringing my legs up as I pretended to shake. I clamped my eyes shut and yelled, “Monster in the closet!”

  Molly let out a shrill laugh and screamed, “No, daddy! It me! Molly! Molly, Molly Molly!”

  I cracked one eye opened and peered at her before letting out a very loud and exaggerated sigh of relief. “Oh! I was so scared!”

  “I got daddy!” She ran to me hopped straight into my arms. I pulled her in tight and kissed the top of her head. As much as it broke my heart to end this moment, I was already running late for practice. I knew the coach would be irritated when I showed up late and with my kid. That wasn’t quite the stellar return I had in mind during all the time I spent on the bench.

  “Alright kiddo,” I said in all seriousness. Molly slid off and sat on the floor, cross-legged and with her hands in her lap. I smiled tenderly thinking she was all ready for kindergarten, but I quickly had to push that thought out of my mind because I got emotional. “Guess what? You’re coming to practice with daddy today!” I tried to sound as upbeat about it as possible just to get her
excited.

  She clapped and jumped up and down before running right back into my arms. It was extremely rare for her to go out with me during practice and she had a much different recollection of how it went than I did. She didn’t pick up on the eye rolls of my teammates when she started screaming or the annoyance everyone felt when she got insistent on playing with the football.

  It was always a bit of a mess and hard to deal with, resulting in significantly less productivity and positivity. I didn’t hold it against the guys; they all loved Molly otherwise and totally fawned over her, but to have a toddler disrupt practice was a different story.

  “Daddy already packed up for you so it’s time to go,” I told her. She instantly looked around her playroom and started running around, grabbing things at random.

  “I want these.”

  Sometimes it amazed me just how strong of a character she was for being so young. I heaved a sigh and tried to reason with her, “We don’t need to take all these, sweetheart. I packed your favorite dolly and a couple dresses and another toy. We won’t be too long.”

  “But I want these,” she said flatly.

  She had her ‘no discussion’ look on her face. I hated contradicting her, but this time I knew there was no way around it. “I’m sorry, Molls. We can’t take these today.”

  She instantly flew into a fit of the kind she rarely had; I couldn’t believe my luck that she was choosing to behave this way today of all days. She stamped her feet and spoke loudly, “No! I want these! I take these!” She picked up the toys and clutched them tight to her chest, but some of them fell out of her grasp.

  My hands grabbed the sides of my head as I looked at her with exhaustion. It took way too long to finally pack up her and her toys to go to practice. I was already late as it was.

  “It’s about time you…” The coach was ready to give me an earful when he spotted Molly getting tugged behind me. He gave me a look before turning on his heel and walking out of the tunnel and onto the field, where the rest of the team was already warming up.

  “Are you done being mad at daddy?” I crouched down in front of her. She promptly looked away from me, her little arms crossed. I looked to the massage room and wished I could just leave her in there and not have to bring her out on the field with my teammates. I only hoped that she would be too busy being angry with me to not cause much disruption during practice.

  Maybe I’d get lucky and she would just sit on the bench, dutifully playing with her doll and keeping to herself. I knew it was a long shot, but at the rate we were going I had at least a bit of hope for that best-case scenario. I took her hand and she reluctantly walked with me out to the field. All the guys turned to stare at us. I could instantly feel the tension.

  I lead her over to the bench and saw her continue to keep glancing over at the team; I knew she wanted to greet them like always, but she also wanted to keep her angry act up. She was hardly this petulant so I just dropped it, especially because I had kept everyone waiting long enough.

  And that was when I saw Mira standing at the mouth of the hallway to the field, watching me with Molly. I was so relieved to see she had come early that I failed to notice the look on her face. There was no smile or affection. She was serious and standoffish, but all that was lost on me. I started running over to her without mentioning anything to the coach or my teammates.

  “Hey, Montgomery! Now where are you going!”

  I just waived the coach off and kept running, not caring that the man would be fuming with me later. I stopped in front of Molly with a smile, “Am I glad to see you! Would you mind watching Molly while I practice?”

  Mira bristled. She drew herself up to her full height, crossed her arms, and I saw her entire body tense up. “So that’s why you’re glad to see me,” she said.

  “Mira-”

  She shook her head and interrupted me. “I'm your therapist, not your babysitter.”

  I recoiled a bit. I didn’t know whether I should be hurt or angry. It didn’t necessarily occur to me that I could feel both at the same time. “I thought you two got along.”

  “We did,” Mira said. She paused and looked over at Molly. Her gaze softened and she took a deep breath before turning back to me. “We do. We do get along.” She looked back over at Molly, who as just sitting on the bench watching my teammates warm up. “She’s adorable and we have fun together.” I felt hopeful. Maybe I had struck gold. Sure enough, Mira finally agreed to watch her for a bit during practice. “Don’t make a habit of it,” she warned me.

  I was beyond relieved and happy. I thanked her before excusing myself to run back to the team and join them for the end of warm ups. I kept watching to make sure Mira reached Molly okay. I was curious if my daughter’s anger would let up now that she was with Mira. Sure enough, it took only a couple minutes to happen. I was finally able to really get into practice, but every once in a while I looked over at the bench where Mira sat with her. I’d catch glimpses of them laughing or talking or playing with the doll. It made one of the most genuine smiles I had ever had spread across my face.

  “Keep your head in the game,” the coach warned in a low voice during a water break. He pulled me aside. I didn’t think the coach suspected anything between Mira and I, so I figured he was just talking about keeping an eye on my little girl.

  “I am,” I told him.

  “Well, do it more,” the coach persisted before shoving a cup of water into my hand and walking away to yell at another teammate. I huffed but gulped down the water anyway; I was still the best damn player on the team. It didn’t matter if I was injured or had my daughter around. I wasn’t the type to constantly screw something up, even when hours of practice went into getting it right. I knew the coach was just mad about the whole situation. I couldn’t really blame him, but it still bugged me to be yelled at like I was some irresponsible teammate. I practically was the team.

  I turned to look over at Molly and Mira. I stood there for a moment as I tried to make sense of the relationship I had with Mira. It all seemed undefined—like I was entering uncharted territory every time we were together.

  I gulped and found myself wishing I had more water because my mouth was feeling suddenly dry. I shook my head crumpled both cups in my hands and focused on how well Molly and Mira got along. I stood there and watched them play together and I felt something warm in my chest; then the whistle blew and I had to get back to practicing.

  I did my best to keep focused on the game, if only to prove a point to the coach. After completing a particularly difficult play, I turned to see both Molly and Mira watching me. They were smiling excitedly and Mira was pointing me out on the field, explaining something to Molly. I loved how they looked together. It truly looked like Mira played with Molly like a mother would, not like a nanny. I felt like there was real love there, not like she was playing with her for a paycheck.

  I felt a jolt in my stomach that shot up to my heart. Coach yelled at me to get my head on straight, but I just shrugged him off. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way Mira was with her. I had never seen another woman interact like that with Molly. Was it because she loved Molly? Or because she loved me?

  Maybe I was being ridiculous or maybe I was finally picking up on something; maybe I really had struck gold. I pushed myself to get through the rest of practice and mumbled something at the end about having to watch my shoulder to try quelling the coach’s anger. As soon as we were done, I ran over to Molly and Mira feeling more excited than ever. Mira was still a little tight-lipped around me.

  “We can skip today’s session if you’re feeling a tired. I’m feeling a little loose today anyway.” I said as I rolled my shoulder in a circle.

  Mira shook her head, “I came here to do my job.”

  I didn’t want to argue or get into anything so I just took Molly’s hand and we followed Mira to the massage room, but as soon as we turned into the hallway, we were stopped by Dr. Killian. He had a strange look of disappointment and anger written over
his face.

  Something was definitely wrong.

  The three of us stopped in our tracks, but Molly tugged at Axel’s hand; she didn’t know what was going on. I gulped nervously. Something didn’t feel right.

  “Just a moment Doctor.” Axel said as he crouched down in front of Molly. “Daddy has to have an important talk with this man, okay? Can you be good and keep quiet?” Molly nodded and pressed her lips together in a fine line. Axel smiled and nodded before standing back up and facing Dr. Killian.

  “What is it?”

  I was unsettled by Axel’s way of talking to the doctor, especially because I was panicking like a mad woman on the inside. I noticed that he was holding a paper and my heart started to race, breath coming in short and fast. Axel turned to look at me. I could tell he wanted to comfort me.