Women and Men

by Joseph McElroy

  You could feel her rubbing your back already, and you were hours away from a morning shower. Why was the guy coming out of the movie ahead of you like you were following him? Well, he had gone in and must come out: but it is Spence, who would make you feel drearily important, the way he is a retrieve-all of data so personal it is as unimportant as everyday life itself. You look up now on Election Day at the shower head of the hostess throwing its ray of weight upon you two together; and knowing like a good witness the dates when you were in New Mexico and when you were heading south through Bogota (where Spanish is as svelte as Florentine Italian) and in Caracas once heading north from the unconscionably disproportionate length of Chee-lay, and knowing just when you ran into the girl at Cape Kennedy, and just when the last time was that you were here in this city whose name should be Manhattan—though not knowing exactly when you decided to move back into an apartment you sublet unobtrusively for years—you figure that that jerk Spence knows such things on instinct, not because he is using you, much less following you—and, well, you can roll up that time belt, for the zone stripes run north-south the way the atlas always says, and you know the difference between Eastern Standard and Mountain, so just turn your face into this shower of Greenwich Village time and check out this smart kid whose keys you’ll leave where they are on the table, after brunch or whatever, and you see yourself doing it.

  "Do you have a sister, Jim?"

  "Brother. Married high school sweetheart. Took over her widowed mother’s haberdashery."

  Just turn your face into the talking tines of the silver disk of the latest-model shower head that foretells the imminent absence of both of you from this curtained bathtub—you first, your will says to her, its eyes shut; and hearing a stiff rustle of plastic and the slide of rings along the rod, then back along the rod as if she is tucking you in, your bladder tight-hot inside the watertight skin of your wet body’s belly lets go blind, down the watery drain, upon which you hear an "Ah" behind you, which is not some spirit wind upon the New Mexico plateau but Woman who exits right then reappears left, where she has peeked back in at one she probably loves but can’t see what your blind eyes feel bombarding your eyelids and you will not pass it on though terrible there in the shower head. Because you would not be believed.

  Would not believe yourself. Would you? Don’t answer. It’s not at this late date a mother’s suicidal disappearance, it’s more a future you’re in from which you’re obliged to make up the present, you got the technology to do it (and it’s got you).

  If this is the Void talking, well how come it’s got so much to say, an Empty Void (ha ha). To say about you is the answer. Now the girl got you into this hot shower and you can’t get out; but you do and she’s gleeful and now:

  you’ve dried her, she’s dried you—you’ll keep—he and she. But each puts the finishing touch to themselves, with corners of one big draping towel which he feels is now legally part-his.

  Then launched by the bathroom light switch you’re getting just off the ground into a new hall and into a room which, with its bright shades all the way down and except for the bed, looks darkly neat. The bed, whose own tossed wrap seems flat and simple like other beds, speeds you in your flight while the girl’s dark, pale room (but now with the pad of paper, the book, and the spot lamp on the night table on the near side) is a deep window, yes, that’s right, the room’s a window.

  Is it the Void that tells you you will forget?—forget being in two places at once while you were in the bath’s tent of steam raining down through slippery light? (Do you believe in One Void?)

  Or is it the girl, who, having flown you from a damp bathmat into a hall and over the pine-green pile of her bedroom carpet by a bureau with a deluxe blank check pastel-imprinted with a manageable landscape of butte, flowering desert, rose-tinted rock ridges, gullies, arroyo—into a flat cloud bank of cool bed, is asking if you wear gloves even when it isn’t cold, saying, "Hey I could borrow a car today, what about it?," while your palm rubs moisture down her shin, in the slowness that may catch up with the stillness of the window in you, and you wait for her to do something about that thumping on the front door that comes and goes and you’re beginning to think is future syndrome you’re in for, now that you’ve let a decision to come back to New York come to you.

  No, you have not fooled the Void, you’ve used its flow to let yourself forget for a time not any new and unheard-of time belt beaming its numerous at-onces through your wet navel here, say, to your dry ears off at Ship Rock, say, hearing a Navajo sheepherder’s son turned tribal-spirited hustler brief you while you stare off at the Rock where the ghostly sun stands on the sheer brown face of its lower lofty sharded cliffs with all around it the sky that the businesswoman behind you says is supposed to be turquoise, male if clear, female if mottled, it’s business information nonetheless, and you think of breakfast, three brown eggs scrambled with sweet red pepper and mushrooms and onions and nutmeg and salt. What the hell is this Void you don’t get out of your head?—run for office like Lincoln to forget the Void but who is going to capture thirty votes by spending an afternoon cradling wheat in an Illinois field as if the men he worked beside were candidates he ran against? no, you’ve used its flow, alloyed with hers soaping you and flying you, to annihilate the shower head, latest model, steam needles you gargle, tines fine enough to breathe like a scented ozone of coke dust ripe for gasification, a hot-and-cold bombarding massage combing your skin as each arc like a drawn line dissolves its color into mere water of rivulets and drips and eddies.

  But what about the shower head?

  That it talks? or talks to you?

  "It’s gonna happen," the Navajo said. "You could help." Tell the world, that’s what you newsmen’s supposed to do—that was what your father on his front porch said: ‘77/ tell the world": if someone asked if, say, he’d seen his cousin’s daughter’s new boyfriend, the sulky-driver from upstate New York—and now here come the Indians, stealing a march even on the archaeologist Indian watchers in their cubicles in Santa Fe and Albuquerque and the engineers down at Socorro—yes here come Indians turning turning turning beyond a burst of arrowheads far out in the cloud-feathered cradle of the sky hooped and woven in smoky inertias by (hey!) the first Indian women astronauts hunting happiness the grounds for which may be achievement, and right behind you this Navajo promoter turning beyond to what’s down not up, what’s right there underfoot—well, not right there but far down—the geothermal tap, the well of energy-steam which, given a shared technology, a Navajo operation proposes to mine.

  Meanwhile, the blonde, serious Albuquerque businesswoman you smell behind you waits to renew her quiet theme. Her pitch isn’t like that of Raymond Vigil the Indian. His is a shade hidden by the ail-too-well-aged tale he tells as if you hadn’t had it already long ago in a life where you were a reader, he’s selling it and now it’s another story, the Enchanted Mesa of his cousins (Incorporated for better flow—a hundred cars a day comes to twelve hundred dollars a week American to support the pueblo as an institution, literally, no joke, you’re adding it up not counting private enterprise—and now here comes electricity). However, the Albuquerque businesswoman’s story hides less: what? her? what else? not her kids who go to bilingual school and whom she took to lunch at the Western Skies Hotel yesterday, and not what she frowns about, shakes her slightly silver-sheened blond-ash (good) head at, and just about breathes (out as in): the environmental impact of an airport they’re talking about for smaller planes under twenty thousand pounds: but (no) hides what else? a tender, firm, speechless sight of what could still happen in the land if only the river flows clear, if only the horizon can be tilted another way so the strip-mine boom (read bomb) towns may slide elsewhere whose concept breathes its (can that be chlorine-rinsed) air-conditioning off the drawing board’s horizon or off the wall onto the very neck of Ship Rock—and if only the toxic output from future plants can be solved not by water of San Juan River but by decision, by foresight—yet in this so abstrac
t nation (of men within men within men) her tender freedom of sight equals also that American speechlessness you knew in the car coming out here through a reservation so great it can be comprehended only on a map or in the cleft lines in the blooded faces of sun-banished Indians your ignorance mixes up with other burnished Indian faces, and she said, "These little farms—it’s a museum! But the blood’s still here if we leave them alone."

  New Mexico is more outside-controlled than any other state, yet in itself more foreign, magically foreign, you’re pretty certain the economist in Farmington said to you at the moment your eye sockets began to feel anesthetized from the mescal and thawed-out orange juice, and you saw this gentle old leftwinger from the McCarthy and even Roosevelt days now day-to-day studier and teacher of Indian resource economics (to Indians out at that underfunded outpost community college in the town named for the Rock Ship Rock) as a great man—yes, quietly and factually forewarning that in two, three years they would need more two-thousand-megawatt generating stations and you figure twelve new strip mines roughly for two stations, but is "out-of-state" anti-Indian? yes, because the supplier and profiter is non-Indian—even if he was here first, your bad knee jokes paining you—while the economist mentions a rug auction tomorrow evening and you both get into family and he speaks factually, not wearily, not intensely, of a still undivorced wife a little too near, and a daughter and almost imaginary grandchildren too far. He thinks the economy is history, he has a steady view, but he isn’t where he was a generation ago and the western world might wind up devaluing via police-state order and rebuild on the Austrian model and maybe nobody important wind up dying of gold hoarding: but he doubts that scamario, he thinks the corporate cooperative will have to self-destruct rather than rebuild out of world poverty and he wonders if you could design a nuclear device that would confine itself to non- or m-human target-structures—but he isn’t interested in black-humor technology, he is for local economics, the irrigation project—it didn’t sound like overall history, which you have always declined to take a view of.

  Farms—the environmentalist lady dreams of—encased in this transparent air you’re not used to taking in. You know that she, here two miles from the astoundingly near Rock, has a sense of you, that you wouldn’t get sentimental about legend/religion, yet that you have not yet refigured how to do your work so that it matters. A sense of you, she has, you (well) might skip the trip to Socorro, get the volcano man on the phone, maybe he can talk a more layman’s geotherm. You’re serious, she guesses (hits upon it, lo acierto). That is, serious about something else which may be volcanoes or idleness or privacy, but may be something to one side (both sides) of this assignment that’s your job, so much to either side of it that she’ll have to be framed by these margins of yours or she’ll just have to take off her public environmental concern and let the craziness the two of you are giving off speak to eclipse this infernal garrulous Navajo whom you do ask in self-defense to return your rental car to Farmington and you’ll go south with the woman, Dina, and why doesn’t he get going where instead he’s totaling you with the high place accorded the Navajo woman: she rules the hogan almost; yet where are the hogans?—show me a hogan—these pole-supported, earth-covered mound-houses, where are they? (are they the polygonal wooden cabins you see?)—north pole is Corn Woman, south is Mountain Woman, west is Water Woman, east pole is Earth Woman.

  There’s a void fading out and you a reciprocal window fade nakedly in, into just a shifting weight of plasm, it’s what you are on this New York Election Day, plasm recalling in of the girl Barbara-Jean’s voice up there on the pillow that she said at Cape Kennedy she was there for a magazine that you now know more about but last night she hardly talked of because she started you in a western direction—you feel a slowness, greater and greater, turning you back into the rest gap inside you, groups of powers gimbaling the window far away in you, computerized adjustment with an equally far away outside—what groups? they are in communication—fades out, leaves one dark twinkle in the hair of her puff, primes this globulet of light there flowing through her legs, but it’s shower water, there comes a thumping on her front door again and you taste rose-flesh in the drop of her shower water on your tongue, determining to have what’s here—the margin is the center, forget Spence in the movie and the Chilean economist three, four years ago at Cape Kennedy—so long as the girl isn’t responding to the door. And so you won’t talk now for a long time of circling her as she circles you, turning the bed warm again, and the interruption once tight with the touch of chill for a moment between bathroom and bed crossing the palm of your old hand, now gets bigger and softer. Void fades out and the silver-disk shower head is no more the brain and no more that mutation beyond terror both future and past that could not be believed if voiced to this girl who’s of a scientific mind for a journalist, and would wonder what you thought you were laying on her, what being in future reinventing the present meant and as for public events threatening to be news, there’s private life and public life and always was.

  Didn’t she do that at dinner before the movie? Not his westward grandmother Margaret who passed muster but the negotiator Karl immune from search who packed a very small Japanese pistol into a room in London that was right next to the room where erstwhile presidential timber Stassen of whom she had but dimly heard went even further than the long way the mythic little bit of him was said to go in 1957. He’d gotten the Russians actually interested in a couple of aerial surveillance plans, but then on the day that Karl had the pistol, Stassen spilled one of these schemes to the Russian, forget his name, and the West Germans and the British found out and got mad— they hadn’t been told; and Eisenhower’s face was red with rage because here we were with the Russians again and he was trying to soothe the British after not backing them on Suez, and Foster Dulles, who was Secretary of State as you know, had for his beloved West Germans all kinds of Presbyterian good manners in the breach of which created by poor Stassen’s jerkwater impulse Dulles aimed at Stassen a backfire that blew him right out of a job. (But "How could this Karl get into the talks with a pistol on him? I didn’t know the Japanese made pistols"—"Same thing in Stockholm I think it was and there he was assistant to one of the sub-principals entrusted with the most finely boring technical details, you know"—actually in those days less the unmaking of weapons than making them on a rational schedule of rationed balances.) Mayn’s westward grandmother Margaret on the other hand: she saw the Statue of Liberty in pieces on Bedloe’s Island in 1885, she must have been twelve?, and her father, who took her on these short trips from the New Jersey town where the family paper had run weekly since at least 1834, sent her in ‘93 to Chicago to cover the World’s Fair. ("The World’s Fair? Fve got pictures of the ‘39 World’s Fair, my father met my mother there, they were standing outside the Finnish Pavilion and some kid’s green balloon with Minnie Mouse on it blew by and Dad captured it and returned it to the kid, who was French.") It was called the World’s Columbian Exposition, and Mayn’s nineteen-year-old future grandmother took issue with a famous reincarnationist named Carl Browne whom she heard hold forth and he introduced her to the famous Jacob Coxey ("Who?") who organized an army of unemployed to march on Washington the following year.

  ("But why didn’t you take over the paper—what was it called?") the Democrat, and up to when Margaret’s grandfather became publisher in 1854, it had weathered many attacks beginning with the scurrilous and unspeakable and dastardly charge in its first months that it would publish only until the fall election, that being its only aim, but the attacks came from the same landowners who thought Jackson’s war on the Bank of the United States was a left-wing stampede to anarchy, the same who had been known to pay laborers with notes below par value on a bank seventy miles away, and the same who agreed with Justice Story, who was one of two pre-Jackson dissenters on the Taney court, in ‘37, that to build the toW-free bridge, the Warren Bridge, across the Charles River in Boston was tantamount to raping decent monopolist stockholder
s of the already existing bridge at a time when the political routine of exclusive charters granted (as they put it) to businesses meant that—well, the editor of the New York Post was saying, The City is trapped, we can’t get our potatoes, we can’t get our fuel, without paying some damn monopoly that’s finagled a corporation charter out of a clutch of crooked legislators in the statehouse. (Lawmen, newsmen. "What, Jim?") Newspapers don’t give away a million loaves of bread any more, like when Jacob Coxey’s Army of the unemployed moved on Washington in ‘94—the New York Herald, can you believe it? ("The promotions have just gotten bigger, Jim, I got news for you! But . . . your grandmother went to Chicago at nineteen?")

  Something like that. Of course by then it wasn’t just your advertisements that showed you what was going on in town, for in the 1830s and ‘40s it was Congress, the legislature, politics, foreign news—not much local news; and she used to show me the ads for the stagecoach even before her own time that took people, her grandfather’s subscribers, to Hightstown to meet the railroad train, or to Key port to meet the steamboat. ("What river was that?"—"Oh it must have been the Delaware.") That is, if the steamboat made it. ("What railroad?"—"The Camden and Amboy; big inverted-cone stack, two pair of high wheels back by the engineer’s cab, two pair of little wheels up front by the cow catcher, and the big wheels came right up inside the railing with its little brass posts, twenty that ran clear round the engine"), and even fifty years later it was Chicago those subscribers wanted to hear about in the Windrow Democrat ("Windrow . . ." Jean says the word—), June 1893, headlines THE CHICAGO FAIR—Two Windrow Girls Visit the Great Exposition—An Interesting Account of What They saw—A Labyrinth of Crystal Rocks— Fooled by the Mirrors—The Germans Everywhere Ahead—("The World’s Fair"—"Yes, and she and Florence were almost afraid as they wended their way toward the New Jersey building . . ."). Margaret wrote,