Chapter Forty Six
The trip to the east had shaken me to my core. The differences between the two cultures were stark and very clear. Ours was a society that tried to live correctly and do what was right, while theirs cared not a bit for humanity or justice. I knew my people had their problems and weaknesses, and with my pride, arrogance and self-centeredness I had more weaknesses than many others, but we as a people tried to do good, and that was the important thing.
What troubled me most about what I had seen in the east was that we were all the same people, with the same hearts and minds. The only difference was they allowed evil to take over their thoughts, and eventually to rule them. I could not allow evil to gain a foothold here. As I walked the city day after day deep in thought after my return from the east, I eventually came to the decision that I needed to finally teach my people about God.
I had done many things to benefit myself as I worked to become King over this land. But all along I had still unconsciously been following the same basic principles that had been taught me by my parents, and I now realized the society I had formed was based on those principles. Do good, be fair, have faith and take care of the family. These were the principles I had learned from my parents, who had been taught by God. Though I had often practiced these principles poorly, they had still guided me and directed my actions as I led my people.
Though many of my actions were done for self-serving reasons, I believed that I had still done well teaching and exhibiting three of the four principles to my people. For the most part, as a society we did good, were fair, and we took care of ourselves and each other. Where I had totally failed my people was in faith.
Because of my anger, jealousy, and self-centeredness I had tried to ignore God and strip Him of his power, pretending He did not exist on this side of the wasteland. Time after time He had shown me to be wrong and proved His influence over the world and all people.
It was known by everyone in the tribe that I had definitively said there was only one all-powerful God. Over the years I had mentioned God in passing and in general terms to many different people, and at different times I had spoken of God at greater length to people when they had expressed an interest in knowing something specific. But because of my selfishness and conflicted thoughts, I had never been able to stand up and address all the people about God or my beliefs.
To most of my people, my belief in one God was quite odd. Almost all of the people still professed to believe in multiple gods that had control over different aspects of life such as water, hunting or the wind, though as far as I could see they actually gave their gods little thought and ascribed to them minimal power or influence.
Just as I had taught the people how to live better; how to raise crops and livestock, how to weave and make cloth and soap, I needed to teach them about God. Teaching them how to live was giving them longer and healthier lives. Teaching them about God would give them knowledge they needed; a moral framework and belief system that would help them to live better lives. Hopefully, knowledge of God’s will would help them be better people, people more able to make the right decisions in their lives. People that would choose to do good and not evil.
There was actually not a lot I could tell the people, because God had not given mankind specific laws or rules to live by. But I needed to teach them that God was the Creator of the heavens and the earth. That He was the only God and He was all-powerful. I had to tell my people that He cared about us and wanted us to live good lives and treat each other and the earth with respect. I also needed to make sure they understood that God had given each of us a free will to act as we would choose. All of mankind was capable of both good and evil, and it was up to each person to choose how they would live their life.
I struggled with how to tell these facts to the people without sounding like it was just my opinion. I knew I only had one first chance, and I did not want to make a mistake and turn people away from God with what I said. There had to be some logical way I could give this information to them, and give it in such a way that they could and would believe. I considered many options, and finally realized I needed to get Kalou’s opinion.
It was after dinner and the boys were playing on the floor while Kalou and I reclined at the table. Garon had begun walking only a month earlier, and he was still unsteady as he toddled around the room. His feet could not always keep up with his desire to explore every corner of the house, and Enoch didn’t even bother trying to keep up with his little brother. He just sat on the floor playing with some wooden animals I had carved, all the while giving Garon a non-ending stream of directions and orders which of course went unheeded.
Kalou and I happily watched this scene. Occasionally Kalou would take a sharp breath as Garon made a particularly dangerous move, but for the most part we sat in companionable silence, relaxing and watching our children at play.
Although I didn’t want to interrupt this pleasant moment, the time was right, so finally I broached the subject I’d been putting off discussing with her. “Kalou, I’m stuck on something, and I’m not quite sure how to approach it with the people. I’m hoping you can help me out.”
“Well I’ll try. What’s going on?”
“You know how I’ve said in the past that I wanted to tell the people more about God. That I wanted them to understand who and what He is, and what He’s done.”
“Yeah, you’ve said that before, but you’ve never really done anything about it. I know you’ve talked to a few other people besides me, but I don’t think most of the people in the city know much of anything about your God.”
“Exactly. Even you have a hard time with it. You always call Him my God, but He is everyone’s God, since He’s the only God. He created this world and everything in it. He made both our races, and He’s responsible for everything we know and have. And yet, most of the people don’t even believe He really exists, and that’s my fault for never teaching them about Him.”
“Well let’s be honest Cain. When you came to us, it was all about you. You were so powerful, and you had all your knowledge about how to do everything. Even though you had the mark and we knew we couldn’t harm you, you never gave us any details about what it was, where it came from, or why it was given to you. You’ve had plenty of openings over the years to talk about your... about God, but you’ve always focused all the glory onto yourself.”
“Even now, after all our years together, I know almost nothing about your past. I don’t know where you came from, or anything about your family. I could go on and on. Because of who and what you are, no one, not even me, has ever felt comfortable asking you any questions, so we know only the little bits you’ve told us.”
I considered this for a long moment, and then answered honestly, “You’re right, of course. I have always been arrogant and selfish. I’ve tried to take all the glory for myself, thinking I was better and smarter than everyone around me, even God. I have never wanted to listen, and I never thought anyone had the right to tell me anything. I would get angry if someone disagreed with me or tried to tell me what to do. Arrogance and selfishness are my problems now, and they caused my problems in my homeland, both with my family and with God.”
I paused here, and then slowly continued, my eyes fixed on the ground in front of me. “That is what caused me to do the evil I did, the evil for which God sent me away from my family.”
I lifted my head and looked over at Kalou. Her eyes were fixed upon me, a frightened look on her face.
She hesitated, and finally, gently, she said, “You know I love you, and that will not change. What did you do Cain?”
My eyes went back to the ground. I was too ashamed to lift them. No more lies, to myself or to others. For the first time I admitted it to myself, even while I said it out loud to Kalou.
“I... I murdered my brother.” I said, the words tumbling out in a rush.
She did not say anything, and after a moment I hesitantly looked up, fearful of her reaction but needing to see her face.<
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Her hand, which she had probably lifted in a reflex motion, still covered her mouth. Her wide eyes showed shock and sadness. Gratefully, I did not see there the disgust and hatred I had expected, and perhaps even deserved to see.
“I am so sorry Cain, sorry for both you and your brother.” She paused, and then gently asked, “What happened?”
Now that I had admitted it, both to her and myself, I would not lie about it ever again. I wanted nothing but the truth to come out.
I started haltingly, but as I continued the words spilled out as if I was in a race to get the truth finally in the open.
“I was arrogant and selfish almost beyond belief. I took everything I could learn from my parents and everything I could figure out on my own and I used it in my fields. Our crops grew abundantly, but I would not admit that God was guiding me, as well as blessing our family with His generosity through my fields.”
“I wanted all the glory for myself, and I chafed under my parents’ requirement that we return a portion of our bounty back to God. This we were supposed to do as a loving admission of our dependence and gratitude to Him. Though I gave God the required sacrifice of my fields, I gave Him no love or respect. There was no admission in my heart that any of my success was dependent upon Him. In my arrogance I believed my success occurred only because of my intelligence and hard work.”
“My relationship with God, which should have been one of loving gratitude and submission, was one of resentment and... it’s difficult to even say this, one of disdain. I could not admit that God had helped me in any way, and though I grudgingly gave a sacrifice of my fields, there was no sacrifice in my heart. No love, no fear, no admission of dependence. I was only fulfilling the requirements of my parents.”
“My brother saw this and he rebuked me. At the time I considered it meddling and conceit on his part. Now I clearly see it was out of love and concern for me that he did this.”
“My brother Abel had a close and loving relationship with God. He respected God and praised Him constantly, in his heart, though his songs, and in the way he lived. He was truly dedicated to God in a way I could not even begin to understand.”
“But I did not respect my brother because I felt he was wasting his time. I resented that while I worked to produce food for the family, Abel spent much of his time in reflection and praise of God. In hindsight, it is clear to me that Abel had the loving heart that God desires, while mine was too filled with pride to let God in.”
“As time went on, my disdain for both my brother and God grew. What did I need God for? Why did my foolish brother waste his time believing as he did? I tried not to let my true feelings show, but my brother, seeing in my behavior that something was amiss, continued to come to me, encouraging me and trying to turn my heart. Instead of gratitude, I was angered by his actions. I considered him to be intruding into my life, and I became increasingly angry and resentful whenever he spoke to me of my attitude.”
“I worked hard to grow my crops, and I could not believe it when one day God was pleased with Abel’s sacrifice and not with mine. This was an insult to my pride, and I became even more resentful of Abel. I decided I would never let him lecture me again.”
“God warned me. God saw what I could do if I did not control myself, but I ignored Him. My heart was filled with anger. I told myself I was righteously angry because God was unjustly favoring my brother. I now see I was self-centered and full of jealousy because God did not think I was as perfect as I saw myself to be.”
“For many years I have told myself... actually tried to convince myself, that I acted thoughtlessly out of blind rage, but I know this is not true. In reality, I wanted no competition. In my self-centeredness I thought if my brother was no longer there, God and my parents would finally see how wonderful I was.”
“Only one day after God Himself came to me and warned me to beware and master my sin, my brother lay dead with my knife in his chest.”
“Oh Cain!” Kalou looked at me with sorrow in her eyes.
Continuing on I said, “The moment he fell, I knew what I had done and regretted it, but yet I still could not bring myself to admit my guilt. In my heart I continued to blame Abel for my actions.”
“God showed me mercy. He gave me this mark so no one would murder me the way I had murdered my brother, but He sent me out of my homeland, never to return. The only direction I could go was east, so I crossed the wasteland and found you and your tribe. ”
“In all the years I have been with this tribe, I have done many good things that have helped the people, things that I believe God wanted me to do. But everything I did, I did for myself. I continued to arrogantly believe I had all the answers, and I acted out of selfish pride and ambition, wanting only to be first in the eyes of everyone.”
“I believe that I have slowly become a better person as my responsibilities to our family and the tribe have increased. But when I went to the East and saw how those people acted, I realized how similar to them I have been. I now see how my arrogance and self-centeredness has caused me to sin all through my life.”
I finished, “Kalou, I know I will sin again because I’m human. But I vow to you, I will do my best to never again be that self-centered man; that man who thought only of himself and what he wanted, no matter the cost to others.”
“Cain, I know better than anyone how arrogant and selfish you were when you came to us. I saw it clearly in your actions and your words. But I also saw that it wasn’t always only about you; I saw that you truly wanted to help us improve our lives. Over the years you have changed, slowly yes, but you have changed from a man that looked down on us as ignorant and inferior into a caring leader that the people truly want to follow.”
“In the beginning we followed you because we felt forced by your mark, your knowledge, and your strength. For a long time many in the tribe thought you were a god and they followed you out of fear. But now everyone follows you out of respect. They recognize all you have done for them, and they see how you want to help the tribe in everything you do.”
Nodding, I said, “I’m so glad to hear you say that Kalou. All I can see in myself is my selfish thoughts and deeds. It is good to know that others see the good I have accomplished, even when I was doing it for myself.”
“When I crossed the wasteland all those years ago I dreamed about building a kingdom, and the only reason was to have absolute power to do as I wanted. Now that I’ve finally finished building the kingdom, I realize that what’s important is not having the power to do what I want, it’s having the power to help others. Having the power to bring people together and teach them. Teach them about growing food and building houses and tools, yes, but also teach them about God, and teach them not to make the same mistakes that I made.”
Kalou asked, “Well, where do you go from here? Now that you’ve come to this decision, what’s next? Are you just going to call the people together and tell everyone about God?”
“Yes, but I feel like I’ve only got one shot, and I want to make sure I tell them everything they need to hear. I can’t force anyone to believe me or believe that there’s only one God, but I need to give them all the facts so they can make their own informed decision.”
Kalou smiled, “I understand. But it shouldn’t be all that hard to get them to listen, you’re the king.”
“True. I’ll call a meeting at the public building and order everyone to be there. But just because I make them listen, that doesn’t mean they will understand or believe; that has to come from them. So I’m just going to tell the truth. I’ll tell everyone about my past and why I’m here; I’ll tell them everything I know about God, and then it’s in their hands.”
“Do you really have to tell them about your past? About your brother?”
I nodded earnestly, “Yes I do. I need them to know I have been guilty of arrogance and deceit, and I committed a horrible sin when I killed my brother. I need them to know I regret my actions, and I am constantly trying to change for the be
tter. I want them to understand that all people have free will, and it is possible to change who we are if we want to change and are willing to work for that change.”
I continued, “Also, it was because of my brother that I know for a fact that God exists. First, though I did not sleep He spoke to me in dreams to warn me of the evil place my arrogance and anger was taking me. After my deed He came to me in a blinding light. In fear and shame I fell to the ground and could not raise my eyes, but we spoke together. He sent me away from my family and my homeland, but He gave me the mark I carry out of His mercy. In order to tell the people the truth about God, I need them to know the truth about me.”
Kalou nodded, “I understand, but it will be difficult. When will you hold the meeting?”
“Three days from now, on the seventh day. That is the day God rested after He created the earth, and the day my family always rested. That’s why I have always had our tribe rest on the seventh day. Now I can actually tell the people why we have done this since I became the leader.”
Kalou agreed, “That’s a good idea. Everyone loves the rest day, and it will be good for them to finally know why it’s special.”
I finished by saying, “So three days from now the tribe will gather in front of the public building at midday, and I will finally tell them the truth.”
This decided, I changed the subject to another important matter. “But now I need to show you something, something I brought from my homeland that is very special to me. I have kept it hidden all these years, waiting for the right time to show it to you.”
Kalou was startled, “What? What have you kept hidden from me?”
“I’ll be right back,” I said, going into our sleeping room. There I carefully lifted some boards and removed my mother’s painting from its hiding place.
I returned to Kalou’s side, and as I slowly and carefully unrolled the hide, the painting emerged. It was a picture of an obviously happy family, painted in loving detail. There was an attractive couple in the center, and standing beside them two small boys. The boys appeared to be close to the same age, and even in the painting you could see all the life and energy the family had. It was an amazing and beautiful sight.
Kalou looked at me in surprise, her eyes wide. She didn’t know what to say. Finally, “What is it? How did you do that?”
“I didn’t. My mother painted it when I was a boy. It is my family. That is me, next to my father.”
I pointed to the boy standing next to the large, handsome man. The man’s hand held the child’s in obvious tenderness. Just looking at the painting made me miss my family so much, and made me regret my sin almost beyond the point I could bear. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I turned my head away.
Kalou saw my reaction and gently touched my shoulder, “I’m sorry Cain.”
“I’ll be all right... It was a long time ago, but it’s my fault that everything changed. My parents must have felt so much pain because of what I did. They lost both their sons because of me.”
I paused, and took a deep breath, “But I can’t change the past. I love you and the boys, and even if I could, I wouldn’t go back there. I am happy here with you and the life I have.”
Smiling gently, Kalou said, “I’m so glad. That means everything to me. Is there some way to put the painting up so we can see it? If that is what you would like.”
“Yes. I want to put it up. It is a thing of beauty, and I want to see my parents and be reminded of where I came from.”
Kalou said, “Good, I’m glad. It's incredible! Your mother must have been a very special woman.”
“Yes she was. And three days from now I’m going to tell everyone about her and the rest of my family.”
In The Beginning Page 46
