Swinging by a Thread: The Misadventures of an Accidental Swinger

by Audra Morgan

  Shortly after learning about their breakup, we happened upon two profiles on a swinging website. They looked strangely familiar in terms of the wording and the pictures, although the faces were blacked out in all of them. Through a little bit of digging, we discovered that both profiles belonged to Adam. They were listed in two different cities, and both contained “certifications” from couples and single women he’d been hooking up with. Looking at the dates, we discovered that Adam had been fooling around behind Julie’s back since less than a month after they got together. We were horrified. We truly realized at that point that Adam was a smooth-talking sociopath who clearly had no love or concern for anyone but himself.

  Fast forward six months or so. We met and befriended a single woman, and one evening we joined her for dinner, then went back to her apartment so I could change for a party we were attending together. While walking past her laptop, I noticed a chat window open on the screen. I certainly wasn’t trying to snoop, but I happened to see the name in the window. It was one of Adam’s swinging website profile names. I had a moment of panic. We cared a lot about our friend and had her best interests at heart, but I didn’t want to appear weird or stalker-ish myself by saying, “Hey, just noticed you’re chatting with this guy. How about not doing that?” My interest in protecting her from possible harm prevailed, and I rambled out everything we knew about Adam as I stood there in her apartment. As it turned out, she had been chatting with him for a few weeks, he’d charmed the hell out of her, and they had plans to meet the next evening.

  Trusting our good intentions, she texted him immediately and canceled their plans. He called her rather than texting back, and he raised his voice and was quite rude to her. She told him that she’d been “warned” to avoid him, and he loudly demanded that she tell him who said something to her. Of course, I was standing there thinking oh shit, what have I done? Our friend told him she had nothing more to say, and she hung up and blocked him on her phone and on her chat software. She thanked us for helping her dodge a bullet, and we went on with our night.

  During the middle of the following week, I received a phone call from Marcia. She was hysterical. Adam had called her and accused her of spreading rumors and lies about him. When she said that she hadn’t even spoken to anyone in recent months (they’d taken a long break from swinging and lost touch with everyone in that realm), he began to yell at her, call her a liar, and threaten her. Marcia had no idea where this was coming from, and she was terrified. Of course I immediately told her I was the one who had warned a friend to stay away from Adam. I felt horrible that my attempt to spare one friend from harm caused another friend to be traumatized by this clearly off-balance man. It was obvious that there were some major cracks appearing in his charming façade, and I was a bit concerned about the fact that he could possibly become dangerous. He knew where Marcia and Alan lived, he knew where we lived, and he knew where our friend lived. Our only comfort lay in the fact that it would be a ninety minute drive for him to harass any of us in person.

  Over the next year, we met three additional single women who had met and been charmed by Adam. All three of them had had sex with him and were convinced he was absolutely dreamy. We learned that he actually went by two first names, depending on which profile online they had met him through. Fortunately, his work took him to another state, and we haven’t heard anything about him since that time. We both hope that Julie has moved on and has found a man who loves and respects her. We all suffered a little due to this sociopathic nightmare of a man, but certainly no one suffered as much as she did.

  Chapter Nine

  Swinging Bigots, or Can’t We All Just Get Along?

  You’d think that swinging would be a pastime for individuals who are liberal and open-minded, who have evolved far past the need to judge others based on race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. Sadly, you’d be wrong. In fact, the judgments don’t even stop there; they can be downright bitchy when it comes to the personal sexual interests of other swingers. I don’t get it. It seems a community that exists on the fringe of mainstream society would be a little more friendly to each other. Instead, small, exclusive cliques seem to pop up like zits on a teenager, and it leaves newcomers, and those who don’t fit into the cliques’ narrowly defined demographics, feeling lost and left out.

  Browse the profiles of any swinger site and you will notice pretty quickly that many couples and singles boldly proclaim that they “play only within their race.” Okay, sure, fine, people have the right to their own personal attractions. After seeing that sentiment expressed again, and again, and again, though, it begins to feel like swinging is a segregated activity, with everyone seeking out only those of their own race and ethnicity. In my opinion, this sets a strange tone of unfriendliness, before anyone even meets in person. Moreover, I don’t actually believe that it’s just about sexual play, and about someone’s individual sense of what’s physically appealing. I’ve overheard enough racial jokes and euphemisms at swing clubs that I am convinced a big segment of the swing community, at least in my region, honestly only wants to associate with people of their own race. And again, they have every right to feel that way. And I have every right to think they’re assholes for it. I can’t imagine that sort of blatant racism in a knitting circle, or a church community; why is it so accepted and prevalent among swingers?

  Another mind-boggling observation we’ve made is that swingers are as homophobic as the general population, if not more so. While girl on girl action is not only accepted, but encouraged enthusiastically, many swinging couples want nothing to do with a couple or single man with even the slightest hint of bi-curiosity. These couples ignore the obvious fact that a bi curious man isn’t going to be attracted to, much less hit on, every single man he meets. Moreover, he’s certainly not going to make moves on a man who has made it clear he’s straight. With any swing encounter, individuals navigate through their own comfort levels and the comfort levels of the others involved. It is mind-boggling to me how a straight man can be so insecure with his own sexuality that he can’t bear to be naked in a room with a man who happens to be attracted to some other men.

  Just as couples feel the need to inform everyone that they play only within their race, couples likewise proclaim to the world that they don’t even want to meet a bi guy or a couple with a bi guy. And they often don’t even attempt to put it nicely. Some examples from profiles on a popular swing site:

  “If you are bi, bi curious, or anything bi at all, we are not interested in meeting you.”

  “NO Bi Guys! Male half is STR8 and doesn’t want guys checking him out!”

  “If you know more than the primary colors, you’re probably gay, and we’re not interested.”

  There are hundreds more like this, and some are even more outrageous. It’s just a sad statement that people can’t be more open-minded, in a lifestyle that is otherwise centered around progressiveness and willingness to be open to new things. It’s disheartening, and it also engenders an environment in which bi and bi curious swinging men must be very much “in the closet”, closely guarding their secret interest in men until they feel like they can share that information with someone. And should that friendship go south, they risk being outed to everyone else in the community. Ironically, the “enlightened” world of swinging is somehow still twenty years behind when it comes to issues of sexual preference.

  Chapter Ten

  Swinging with a Smile, or Sometimes Things Just Happen to Work Out

  Okay, so I’m sure by this point you’re reading this and wondering why in the hell, five years later, we’re still wandering down this precarious path. To be honest, we’re a lot less likely these days to try to meet new people, but we haven’t yet thrown in the towel. Sometimes things do work out perfectly, and for that reason, we do still occasionally meet up with couples and singles, hoping that we’ll hit the jackpot and meet people who are somewhat sane and free of issues and performance anxiety.

  We’ve had some truly fun
, carefree experiences over the last five years, and we look back on them fondly, even now. We’ve had carefully planned out experiences with people we chatted with for weeks before meeting, and we’ve had random, unexpected fun when we weren’t even looking for it. We hope to have more of both types of experiences as we continue on.

  We’ve learned a lot about ourselves on this journey, and we’ve learned a lot about each other and about our relationship. Even when things go horribly wrong, we come away from the experience with more knowledge, and as you can probably gather, with an interesting story to tell later on. We’re a lot more likely to be wary, and to not set our expectations too high, but we continue to seek out new opportunities for fun, and new people with whom to share interesting and unique experiences.

  My hope is that the next five years bring us a lot more uneventful fun. We’ve narrowed down the criteria of what we’re looking for to such a degree that we’ll probably meet considerably fewer people. Hopefully that also means we’ll have a higher ratio of good to bad experiences. And if all goes well, I won’t have enough new funny and traumatic stories to ever put down in a book. A girl can dream, right?

  Anyone Else Have Horror Stories?

  While we’ve certainly met people who at least claim to have never had a bad experience with swinging, we’ve also met more than a few couples who have their own collection of funny, terrible, scary, and outrageous swinging stories. If you have a true story you’d like to share, I’d love to read it! As I receive stories, I will add them to this book, so that readers can enjoy a few laughs at your expense too. Besides, it’s cathartic to share, isn’t it?

  If you’ve purchased this book for Kindle, updates are always free, so once any new material has been added, you will be able to download the revised version at any time. So please, share your stories, and include your email address so that I can notify you when it has been included in the book. Please be sure to use pseudonyms if you don’t want your real first names used. Include your city and state if you would like me to list it, as long as you don’t feel it will jeopardize your anonymity. Submissions can be sent to AudraMorganBooks@gmail.com - I look forward to reading and sharing your stories!

  It’s Only Fair to Share…

  You’ve hung in there with me through a bit of a rollercoaster ride, and I’ve received several emails from people who wanted simply to know, why have I continued this seemingly perilous journey? Well, as I said, there have been some good times. They’re simply not as humorous! I’ve given it some thought, though, and I’ve decided to share a few of the highlights with you. The following three short stories are ones I wrote for Tyler after a few of our more satisfying encounters. I’ve changed the names, but the stories and the emotions behind them are authentic. Perhaps it will give you some hope that it is indeed possible to have drama-free fun while swinging – it just takes some patience, and I suppose a little bit of luck!

  Austin

  “Are you almost ready?” Tyler called from the small, but well-appointed hotel bedroom. “For once, you are the one making us late!”

  I quickly finished my makeup, glanced in the mirror and silently wished I had packed more clothes, then walked out with a nervous sigh. “Yep. Let’s do this thing.”

  We realized the extra cost of a downtown hotel was well worth it when we stepped out into the surprisingly comfortable night air and made our way to the bar up the street. A little hole in the wall with a small crowd and cheap drinks – perfect. As we walked through the door, we immediately recognized our new friends. We’d connected with them via a swingers’ website a month or so before, and we’d emailed and texted back and forth quite a few times. They seemed intelligent and friendly, as well as quite attractive, but we never truly knew for sure until we met in person.

  Felicia was a cute girl, short with a brunette pixie haircut, huge eyes, and a sweet smile. She was wearing a plaid sundress which made me once again regret that all I’d packed was jeans. Felica hopped up from the barstool to hug us both, and her slightly too-high-pitched voice made me grin to myself. Matthew then stood to greet us. He was a bit taller than I had expected, with an almost messy mop of brown hair and a goofy grin. His geeky t shirt made me smile; as nervous as I’d been, I quickly realized we would all get along famously.

  We ordered drinks, then found a table away from the bar where we could talk more easily. Felicia told us about her week; she was the manager of a farmers’ market, and clearly much more granola than we’d ever even hope to be. She was friendly and funny, though, and her horror stories about various customers she’d encountered throughout the week had us both in stitches. Matthew bemoaned his status as cog in the corporate wheel, then shared a story about his involvement with an improve comedy troupe. His personality was so engaging that we imagined his performances must be a riot. And honestly, nothing is sexier to me than a good sense of humor.

  The conversation and drinks flowed freely, and time passed much more quickly than it should have. It was almost midnight, and I knew we had to be up and at the river by ten o’clock for our day of tubing with Tyler’s high school friends. In a shocking display of vodka-fueled assertiveness, I blurted out, right in the middle of another of Felicia’s humorous work stories, an invitation to return to our hotel room. Matthew and Felicia looked at each other, smiled, and stood up, clearly accepting the invitation. We exited the bar together, and I pointed awkwardly in the direction of our hotel, which was just about 6 blocks away. Tyler put his arm around Felicia as they walked up the street, and I smiled as I watched the two of them giggle at whatever Tyler had just told her. He’s a pretty damned funny guy too, if I do say so myself. Matthew caught up and followed suit, putting his hand on my shoulder and smiling shyly. The gesture was appreciated, but I hoped he’d become a bit more assertive before too much time passed. First moves were not my strong suit.

  We arrived at the hotel in no time; it was surprising to us, as first time visitors, how small downtown Austin was. The silence was deafening on the elevator to the fifth floor. Everyone seemed nervous and excited as we half-stumbled out of the elevator and made our way down the hall. Entering the hotel room, the four of us crowded onto the sofa and made small talk for a bit. We discovered that Felicia and Matthew had been swinging for only a few months, which explained the nerves, but we were fairly confident everything would turn out okay in spite of their lack of experience. As usual, Tyler made the first move – how does he always manage to do that? He’s normally so reserved, but he seems to know exactly when to come out of his shell. I was relieved by this fact, as I’d rarely been able to take the plunge myself. During a pause in the conversation, Tyler slipped his hand behind Felicia’s neck and pulled her towards him. She let out a soft moan as he showed off his rather impressive kissing skills, and I smiled, knowing Felicia hadn’t seen anything yet. Matthew took Tyler’s lead and leaned in to kiss me. Surprisingly, his skills weren’t so bad at all, and I immediately became even more optimistic about the night.

  During the kiss, I snuck a peek over Matthew’s shoulder to see Tyler slip Felicia’s dress over her head. Delighted there was no bra to contend with, Tyler began to explore her breasts with his hands and mouth. She sighed and reached her hands behind his head to grasp his neck as she leaned back and closed her eyes. Matthew noticed that I seemed distracted by the view, so he pulled away and we both enjoyed the show for a while before turning our attention back to each other. Feeling rather generous, I slid down to the floor, undid his jeans, and began to lick and suck his cock. He seemed to enjoy it and began gently pushing my head down onto him, slowly at first, and then faster. He moaned each time his cock hit the back of my throat. One of my favorite parts of sex has always been to give someone else pleasure, so his obvious enjoyment thrilled me. I looked over and noticed Tyler watching me with a sly smile, and I reached out to grab his hand as my other hand worked the base of Matthew’s cock.

  Tyler suggested we relocate to the bed, as the sofa was beginning to seem a bit cramped. In no
time, clothes flew off and were tossed onto the carpet, and we all piled into the big, comfortable bed. Tyler pulled me closer and kissed me deeply, sending chills down my spine as Matthew and Felicia embraced beside us. Tyler ran his fingernails gently down my back with his left hand as his right hand firmly grasped my throat. I gasped as the light scratches became more and more intense, and Tyler kissed me even harder.

  Suddenly remembering we weren’t alone, and indeed had guests to entertain, he released his grip on me and gently pushed me back towards Matthew and Felicia, who were still caught up in a lingering kiss. I kneeled next to them, caressing their backs as they finished their kiss. Felicia turned to me and gave me a brief kiss, then she pulled away to look at me. She pulled me closer and kissed me again, this time more lingering, then she guided me into Matthew’s arms, and he kissed me longingly. He fell back onto the pillows, and I awkwardly tumbled onto him. I lay on top of him and kissed his face and neck, all the while hearing the soft, feminine sounds of pleasure coming from just next to me on the bed. I couldn’t see Tyler from my position, but I could tell he was eating her pussy, and that he was doing a damned good job of it. Felicia moaned more loudly, arching her back as his tongue and fingers evidently found the perfect spots.

  Matthew, apparently one to always follow the crowd, flipped me over and slid down past my breasts and belly, ending up resting between my legs. He tentatively kissed and licked, not sure if it would be well-received. With a clear view of Tyler pleasuring Felicia, I was overwhelmed with desire and pushed Matthew’s mouth against my pussy. As his tongue gently circled my clit, I began to moan and arch my back to increase the pressure of his mouth on me. I was usually unimpressed with most men’s skills in this department, but Matthew did not disappoint. Hearing my moans, Tyler looked up at me, smiled, and reached out to caress my arm. Locking eyes with him, I felt nothing but pure happiness. In that moment, it paradoxically felt like we were the only people in the world. And that was just fine.