Sex, Time, and Power

by Leonard Shlain

  Elder women train girls very early for the mission they must accomplish postmenarche. During her initial contacts with the opposite sex, a young woman must learn to recognize the key landmarks of the male mind’s strange terrain and to assess quickly the outlines of his character. She must often make snap judgments so as not to waste valuable time that could be better used birthing babies with Mr. Right. The considerable advantages afforded her by her youth and beauty during this early period of her life serve her well.

  Her ultimate goal is to negotiate his willing surrender—preferably “unconditional.” She wants him to declare publicly that he will no longer seek the attention of any other woman and will devote his time, resources, love, and help to raising any children that may result from their passionate embraces. She knows that she cannot claim victory until she hears it in his voice, sees it in his eyes, reads it in his gestures, and feels it in her marrow. From a young woman’s perspective, this contest is a matter of life and death. At some tellurian level, she understands that she will soon be called upon to put her life on the line. If she survives the dangerous delivery of her offspring, she requires the impregnating male to make a very long and very intense commitment in order to maintain her health and ensure her ability to continue to birth intelligent babies.

  Anovulatory cycles grant her some leeway to experiment, but not much. Parents, older women, and her culture’s conventions constantly remind her that if she fails to secure a future reliable source of resources the result will be catastrophic. And it doesn’t matter how badly she herself wants to have sex—she must exercise restraint over her hormonal urges. She knows that her abilityto withhold that which a man so hungers for is her most potent bargaining chip. Her agenda differs so markedly from his at this stage of life that his extraordinary frustration is unavoidable. Her veto over sex is the primary source of her power and becomes the root of his anger.

  Many men resist the pull of misogyny and remain favorably disposed to gender equality. To a large extent, their mothers’ love undergirds their equipoise. Reciprocating that love allows them to translate the deep feelings they have for their mothers into loving relationships with their lovers, wives, sisters, and daughters. Maternal adoration is the balm that can offset the bane a man experiences when confronted by a woman’s repeated failure to cooperate with his sexual agenda.

  Unfortunately, war, loss, illness, and catastrophe may prevent a boy from properly bonding with a loving mother. Surrogate mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, teachers, and even fathers and grandfathers can often substitute for this crucial missing ingredient of a man’s character, but a subset of emotionally damaged men exists for whom the art of loving women is a difficult and daunting challenge. Moreover, not all mothers love their sons equally, and some even irreparably wound them.

  In general, without the unguent of a mother’s love to salve the erupting adolescent antagonism toward women, men may evolve a suspicious and angry attitude toward women, making it nearly impossible for them to love any particular woman. Many a woman married to a man lugging this lumber around in his unconscious storehouse has discovered that, despite her love for him, the structural damage stemming from his childhood remains too extensive to repair. The most critical choice of her life often turns into a disaster, for her mate will behave maladaptively toward her and disappoint as a father to their children. Of course, many exceptions to these observations abound.

  Through persistence, a woman gradually convinces a man to compromise his primary reproductive goal of unfettered access to a variety of women—a dream he relinquishes reluctantly, and one for the loss of which he never really forgives her. When he is young and his hormones are spiking, he is inclined to bargain away the right to be sexually free in exchange for exclusive sexual access. In the intense negotiation that occurs between the sexes, she wants him to make this key promise to her. The likelihood that he is in love vastly increases his willingness to please her by agreeing.

  Male leaders of religion, government, and culture further women’s agenda, because they understand that restraining the male’s sexual urges reduces conflict, aids babies, and provides all fathers with increased confidence concerning their genetic heritage. The immense social pressure of his culture is brought to bear on him. The weight of tradition, ritual, and taboo must be marshaled against his towering natural impulse to pursue Master Testosterone’s goal—all women, all the time.

  Initially, his concession does not seem all that important to him. His volatile mixture of love and lust persuades him that he is obtaining his heart’s desire. And then passing time erodes the fortitude underpinning his promise. Familiarity inexorably dims the intensity of his ardor for his mate. His hormones begin to back up against the door to the paddock and kick against the thin barrier that culture has constructed to hem them in. Neighing insistently, testosterone urges his faulty Executor to follow the evolutionary imperative adhered to by 99.9 percent of male creatures—to spread his seed far, wide, and often.

  A moment arrives in every husband’s life when he begins to question the fairness of his decision to pledge himself to one woman forever. (The same doubt also occurs to his wife, but she is less likely to act on it, because once she has children, deciding to leave her mate is a more hazardous and difficult course of action for her than it is for him.)

  Many men experience a sense of guilt for their sexual fantasies and/or transgressions, because their paleomammalian limbic brains rebel against their culture’s onerous restrictions. One part of a man resents women for preventing him from having what he wants. On the other side of this divide, a husband’s failure to adhere to his “I do” oath in particular, and the male gender’s failure to live up to women’s expectations in general, induces women to harbor a deep resentment toward the male sex. This mutual rancor abets the war between the sexes and renews itself in every generation.

  Further exacerbating his sense of pusillanimity when dealing with women is his stunning epiphany that his legacy depends on knowing for sure who his children are. Fatherhood is the least taxing route open to him to satisfy his longing to soften the terror of death. Knowing his children means he can deposit a part of himself—especially his name—in the next generation. Although he also has the alternative option of performing a memorable heroic deed, a sort of “memic” immortality, the more reliable method open to the average man would be to father children who adore and respect him.* And so a young man learns not only that a young woman can control his access to pleasure but that, further diminishing his negotiating stance, she is also the guarantor of his lineage.

  Besides their irritation with the hoops that they must jump through to convince a woman to sayYes!, men’s inability to maintain constancy to the degree that women expect fosters additional male frustration. Chafing under their load of “should”s and “ought”s, men crave to establish a social structure that will allow them to have their cake and eat it, too.† A man wants one woman to be exclusively his, and at the same time he wants to philander. He demands that all children “his” woman bears are exclusively his, yet he resists any restrictions on his sexual escapades even if they result in his illicit partner’s pregnancy. Men see no paradox in the contradictory goals of the double standard that grow directly from the three grand transformative insights—sex causes babies, everyone’s going to die, and “begats” ensure immortality. The resentment men experienced upon realizing their situation led them to resort to the powerful weapon they had at their disposal that they could wield against women—their ability to make public symbols. The institution of patriarchy came into existence because men needed, first, to control women’s sexuality and, second, to control women’s reproductive rights. A man’s control of the former ensured that he could relieve his intolerable itch on terms favorable to his sex; control of the second assured him his place in posterity.

  Male frustration over a female’s veto power over sex is the primary source of misogyny.

  Chapter 24

  Unknown M
other/African Eve/Modern Woman

  And perhaps the sexes are more related than we think, and the great renewal of the world will perhaps consist of this, that man and maid, freed from all the false telling and aversion, will seek each other out not as opposites, but as brother and sister, as neighbors, and will come together as human beings.

  —Rainer Maria Rilke1

  Our species is at a crux in its earthly history, aggressively mastering techniques that will let us guide and change our own nature…. The gate is ajar to a realm of wonders.

  —Melvin Konner2

  Two features of contemporary human society—pornography and cosmetics—encapsulate the dilemma confronting each sex. An odd couple, the two complement each other in many subtle ways. Both are estimated to be ten-billion-dollar industries. Pornography is very nearly the furtive habit of postpubertal boys and men. Cosmetics are very nearly the exclusive province of postpubertal girls and women. Both result from stresses unique to the respective gender. Let us first examine the animus side of this couple.

  Pornography is fantasy; the pornography industry is not. Revolving around the nuts and bolts of sex, pornography never involves romance.* The women in the male fantasy are nearly always strangers with whom he has not, and will not, develop any kind of emotional attachment. Pornography fulfills wishes that cannot be readily, if ever, attained in a man’s real life. Present in many variations, it plays out in three main imaginary scenarios. The first, nymphomaniacal pornography, depicts a man surrounded by multiple women whose sexual appetite is equal to or more voracious than his. Pedophilic pornography involves the fantasizer’s having sex with a child. The third kind, bondage pornography, portrays men physically restraining women, rendering them defenseless.

  In nymphomaniacal pornography, insatiable women demand as much sex as the male could possibly deliver. In pedophilic pornography, the preference for children ensures that sex is nonconsensual. The dominance relationship that normally exists between an adult and a child, combined with the trust that children always place in adults, assures that the level of the child’s resistance will be minimal. In bondage pornography, a restrained woman cannot prevent a man from doing to her whatever he wishes to do to her. Central to all three types of pornography: The man does not need to ask permission to engage in sex. Moreover, he does not need to bring the woman something in exchange for her acquiescence, there is no negotiation, and he can leave anytime he is finished.

  Men purchase pornography because in real life they have discovered it is nearly impossible to find a willing woman who does not expect something in return for sex. And because men seek young, beautiful women, most men can never hope to attract women as young and beautiful as those they can see in porno magazines.

  Barely concealed beneath the veneer of civilized society, pornography’s ineradicable appeal exposes the deep well of resentment that men harbor toward women. Pornography would disappear tomorrow if women were as eager to have sex and behaved sexually as indiscriminately as men.

  On the anima side of this odd couple lies the effluvium of the vanity table. Women apply cosmetics to their face and body to increase their sexual attractiveness to men. No doubt exists that the application of cosmetics is a form of art. When performed artfully, the act bestows upon the artist a sense of accomplishment. In general, however, the fundamental motivation behind the purchase of cosmetics is to increase a woman’s sexual desirability. The Great Game cannot begin until a man expresses interest in a woman. The leverage inherent in a woman’s veto power is rendered useless unless a woman can attract a man. Therefore, most women firmly believe that they must accentuate their physical charms prior to advertising them.

  Women often seek to satisfy their own urges and, on many occasions, desire sex more than a man; this situation will occur more frequently over the passage of time, as a man’s sex drive wanes and hers waxes. Nevertheless, the threat of pregnancy, with its enormous implications, must give every young woman pause. This was especially true in the long period when effective birth control was nearly nonexistent.

  Natural Selection’s drastic reconfiguration of Gyna sapiens’ reproductive system resulted in many unexpected consequences. None would prove as rapturous, yet as anxiety-provoking, as the unique signal human females used to attract men. To understand better why this unusual adaptation was such a radical departure from the norm, a review of the standard that Mother Nature installed in females to signal the other three million or so coupling species’ males is necessary.

  In the majority of species, this is an olfactory alert in the form of pheromones. Among primates, a combination of sight, smell, and body language alerts males to the proximity of an estral female. Missing from the extensive species catalogue of sexual semaphores is the one that draws Homo sapiens to Gyna sapiens. Humans call this signal “beauty.”* Nowhere among the multitude is there another species in which a female’s overall appearance singularly activates male lust.

  No other female animal has to “dress to the nines.” Lionesses never experience a bad hair day. Young bucks fight over old hinds as fiercely as they do over young does. Ailing or disfigured female chimpanzees never worry that they may become wallflowers. An ovulatory female’s age, disability, complexion, figure, or hair tint virtually never interferes with a rutting male’s sexual fixity. Nonhuman males nearly always respond to a female when she wafts her ovulatory signal.

  Consider, then, the predicament of the sapients. Gyna does not manifest a consciously identifiable signal to alert her Homo. Lacking this staple of sexual attraction, Natural Selection had to invent a substitute rapidly to ensure that Homo sapiens continued to express interest in mating. In Her haste, the Red Queen picked a doozy. The unusual alternatives upon which She settled were youth, health, and beauty. Farther down the list were character, wisdom, intelligence, industry, creativity, compassion, and nurturance, all of which ran distantly behind the sexual troika.4

  The circuits that involuntarily swivel a man’s head to follow the gently swaying backside of a passing young woman are firmly soldered into his nervous system—a fact of life that has ever been thus and will always be so. Homo sapiens lust after Gyna sapiens who are young, beautiful, and shapely.

  Replacing periodic, swollen, flaming red vulvas and monthly titillating aromas with a never-used-before signal created a unique quandary for Gyna sapiens. Before she can exercise Original Choice, a woman must first project the image of being youthful, healthy, and beautiful. Enticed by one or more of these elements, a man’s courting behavior involuntarily flares, resulting in his lingering long enough for her to have the opportunity, if she is so inclined, to ignite the kindling necessary to encourage further exploration between them. Only with time will he discover that a woman may possess additional worthy attributes. Should a woman observe the erosion of Mother Nature’s paramount “attractiveness index” during her daily mirror inspection, she will, to a lesser or greater degree, grow anxious, for she intuits that her ability to beguile a man will also diminish.

  An example of women’s desire to appear youthful is their generous use of hair dyes. Throughout their reproductive lives, women stay keenly attuned to the attributes that attract men. It would not have escaped women’s perceptive notice that Caucasian children commonly begin life with a lighter shade of hair than they will exhibit as adults. Men unconsciously associate dark hair with maturity, gray hair with old age, and blond hair with youth. Because men constitutionally prefer youthful-looking females, women dye their hair blond more than any other color. All women, including non-Caucasians, have intuited that gentlemen prefer blondes.5

  A further feature investing a woman’s hair with sexual overtones is the curious fact pointed out by Alison Jolly that, unlike the hair, fur, feathers, and scales of other animals, a human’s is not self-maintaining. No other female animals feel compelled to wash, shampoo, curl, perm, or style their crown tufts. Hair’s centrality as a sexual signaling device can be measured in the amount of time and energy humans, particu
larly women, expend fashioning their scalp hair.

  Underscoring Mother Nature’s bizarre choice of beauty as the human female’s primary sexual signal was the substance She chose to boost a woman’s charm most in a man’s eye. Underpinning the full lips, high cheekbones, firm breasts, smooth skin, beguiling shoulders, and taut behinds of a young Gyna sapiens lies Mother Nature’s secret enticer. Instead of gorgeous colors, fantastic markings, sleek hides, sumptuous fur, bright feathers, or polychromatic scales, Mother Nature decided to use fat—common, greasy, yellow, subcutaneous fat. Positioned alluringly beneath the skin in just the right proportions and in just the right places, oleaginous avoirdupois can drive a man wild with intoxicating desire.

  No other female creature uses adipose tissue as the infrastructure of its primary sexual signaling device. Few animals, other than sea mammals, even possess subcutaneous fat deposits. Humans sport ten times more fat cells under their skin than other land animals, easily surpassing even rotund pigs in this category. 6

  The human male is a consummate hunter. His success depends on his constant alertness for the slightest movement occurring in the periphery of his field of vision. The motion sensors out in the extremities of the male retina can detect a nearly subliminal shudder at the edges of his line of sight. “Critical flicker-fusion threshold” is the point at which a human can distinguish that a light is being turned on and off, just before it alternates too rapidly to be noticed. Men surpass women at this skill.7 This attribute, so essential to hunting, was shanghaied into the service of Natural Selection. The Red Queen engaged a man’s hunting rods to attract him to a woman. When a man says, “She caught my eye,” he means it both literally and figuratively, whether it is the slight jiggle to a woman’s breasts when she moves, the captivating commotion of her buttocks when she walks, or the curve of her ankle, calf, and thigh. The jazz-era pianist Fats Waller best captured men’s fascination with a woman’s subcutaneous fat deposits when he crooned, “It must be jelly, ’cause jam don’t shake like that.” Paradoxically, fat plays a lean role in a male’s attractiveness to a female. Chiseled muscular definition and washboard abdomens devoid of subcutaneous fat are the physical features most likely to “catch the eye” of a woman.