Betwixt

by Melissa Pearl

  Dale slowly stands and puts his hands in his pockets.

  "Maybe. But would you have wanted Jody to live without you? Her big sister that she looked up to? What would have that done to her?"

  I close my eyes and shake my head, feeling the inevitable cold edging towards my heart. "It doesn't matter. It's over."

  "It doesn't have to be." Dale's voice is high and urgent. "Take this second chance, Nicole, make something of your life. Please. Please you have to fight."

  "I don't deserve a second chance."

  "Nobody does. That's the way grace works. Don't throw this away."

  Desperation is marring his features.

  I don't know what to say to him. I've never seen anyone beg with me like this before. He wants me to live. A shock of cold runs through my middle and I gasp. It moves through my limbs and the shakes grow with intensity... and then my nose is wet.

  I twitch and wave my hand in front of my face.

  My nose tickles.

  I scratch it, but the wet tickling sensation returns.

  "Nicole, are you still there?"

  "Yes." I scratch my nose again.

  "Are you okay?"

  "Something's tickling my nose."

  I shake my head from side to side as Dale jumps up, hope lighting his face like a bonfire.

  "Jester."

  Without a backwards glance, he runs down the hill, tumbling and sliding, calling for his dog.

  Jester barks back loudly. We follow the sound and soon stumble across a scene I'm not overly keen on seeing. Adam is standing above me, his hands in his pockets. He looks pretty shell-shocked as Jester sits by my ashen face, his tail thumping on the ground.

  "Good boy."

  Dale falls to his knees and slides the rest of the way towards me. He gives Jester's head a quick congratulatory rub then gently pushes the dog away.

  At first he looks a little lost as he gazes down at me. I don't exactly look crash-hot. In fact I look disgusting! My skin is so pale you can almost see the veins running below the surface. My lips are tinted blue and when Dale picks up my hand, I'm like a limp rag doll.

  Brushing the hair back from my face, Dale checks from my pulse, looks horrified then after a few more frantic finger jabs to my neck, lets out a relieved sigh.

  "Nicole, wake up." He gently runs his hand over my face then bends low to check for breathing. "This is not good."

  He looks up at Adam as he whips off his sweater and wraps it around me.

  "She's like an ice cube. We have to call for help. Get out your phone."

  Adam steps back.

  "I can't, man. I won't do it."

  Dale glares up at him.

  "Get. Out. Your. Phone."

  Shaking his head, Adam retreats further away. By some magnetic force his eyes are locked on my body. They are wide and filled with fear.

  "Dad will find out... and then we're all dead."

  Looking ready to pummel something, Dale reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his phone, with one hand resting on my forehead like a mother would, he lifts his other to check for reception. Glancing up at the phone in his hand, he swears and throws it on the ground. "There's no reception down here. You have to go up to the road and call for an ambulance."

  "I ca-"

  "Adam! You want to live with this for the rest of your life? She's dying! Now DO IT!"

  Once again surprised by Dale's uncharacteristic outburst, Adam stumbles backwards. His eyes are like saucers, swirling with a mixture of fear and something else I can't quite figure out.

  "MOVE." Dale's voice breaks.

  Adam blinks slowly then looks at my dying body one last time before making his way up the hill.

  "Do you think he'll do it?"

  "I don't know," Dale sighs. "But I'm not leaving you. Go back into your body. Please, Nicky. Wake up."

  "I'll try." I gaze at my lifeless form and close my eyes, willing the blackness to surround me so I can return.

  "I'm fading," I whisper.

  "Good, come back to me." He caresses my face while talking, looking at my eyes. I can sense how desperately he wants them to open. I squeeze my eyes shut again. Cold blood is running through my veins and the shudders work through my system again.

  A slow blackness starts in the corner of my mind. "I think it's working. Everything's going black."

  I open my eyes and spot Dale's hopeful expression. He's leaning over me, his face just an inch from mine.

  "Come on," he whispers.

  The blackness is closing in, blocking my vision of him. It feels different this time. Nothing hurts. If anything I feel like my body is filled with helium.

  "Nicole?" Dale touches my face.

  "I'm sorry," I whisper.

  "Nicole."

  I float away from him, the blackness consuming me as I'm lifted into the air. I can still hear his desperate pleas for me to wake up, but I can no longer reach him. Fear pulses through my system as I reach out into the blackness.

  So this is death. A black nothingness. I was hoping to feel some sort of peace, some sort of end to my misery, instead the fear builds in my system until I feel like I'm drowning in it.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  "Wait," I croak. "Wait, I'm not ready! I'm not done!"

  My voice echoes off the surrounding walls, making me quiver.

  "I'm not done." I scream again then curl into a ball as my fear-filled cries wash back over me.

  Where am I? My body trembles with sobs as I rest my head on my knees. Is this it? Is this what I'll have to endure for the rest of eternity? A black nothingness?

  I strain to hear Dale, but his voice has faded to obscurity.

  I strain to see what's in front of me, but when I reach out my hand, I can't even see my fingers wiggling.

  Forcing air into my lungs, I stand on shaky legs and try to move forward, cautiously taking small steps, unsure what I'll find.

  There seems to be nothing around me. I don't know what I'm standing on, I can't feel anything.

  "Hello? Please, can anybody hear me?" My voice sounds small and foreign.

  I stumble backwards and fall to the ground. The shudders are returning, filling me with dread. There is no escaping this.

  My eye catches a small glimmer high above me.

  I focus on it as best I can. It looks like a star and seems to be falling towards me. My eyes are transfixed. As it gradually descends my new world gets brighter. I glance around me. I'm sitting in a bubble. As if some kid has blown one from soap suds and I'm caught inside. I spot Dale on the ground below me, he is frantically doing CPR on my limp body. I wince and turn away. His desperation is heartbreaking.

  The intensity of light around me is growing stronger as the star continues to descend. I wonder if it's going to land on me as my eyes squint against the bright glare. I raise my arm and cower away from it. Landing just in front of me, it burns so bright it sears my retinas. I blink at the blotches impairing my vision.

  The light starts to fade. As I win the blotch war, my vision clears and I am soon staring at the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

  Air rushes out of my lungs in a big gush.

  "Jody?"

  "Hey, sis."

  She grins, that little impish one I always fell for.

  "You look..." I reach out to touch her, but pull away last minute. This is too weird. Am I really looking at my sister? She looks exactly like she did when she was nine, except glowing and radiant. Her smile is filled with light and love, her eyes are glimmering. My hand drops to my side. "You look beautiful... the same as you were."

  She shrugs. "I thought it would be easier for you to see me this way."

  "What do you normally look like?"

  Her dimples jump into place. "You'll see."

  "So I go with you?" Hope spurts through my system followed swiftly by despair.

  Jody's head tips to the side as she studies me.

  I look away from her assessing gaze and cross my arms.

  "We both
know I don't deserve to, Jo."

  "Why not?"

  "You know why?!"

  "Nicky, you need to understand this. It's not your fault."

  "I shouldn't have locked you outside." I shake my head.

  "I shouldn't have climbed that tree."

  I glance at her with a frown.

  "I should have come when you called me."

  "I should have done the right thing and left you alone. There were a million other things I could have been doing that day, but I chose to annoy you. I knew how badly you wanted to finish that cover, but I wanted to play. I was trying to punish you."

  The defensive walls inside my chest start to crumble as I fight to win the argument. "I'm your older sister. It was my responsibility to care for you."

  "You never let me down, Nicky." Jody's voice is quiet and sure, leaving no room for objections. "I adored you every day of my life. You were the best older sister ever and I'm so sorry you've been suffering because of me."

  "How can you be so forgiving?" Tears bubble on the edge of my lashes.

  "That's easy." Her eyes light with a warm smile. "I love you."

  I can do nothing but grin back as I swipe at my tears.

  "I've missed you so much. You were such a ray of sunshine, remember how Mom used to say that all the time."

  We both chuckle, but mine quickly dies away. "Home's not the same without you."

  "I know and I miss you guys too."

  "I wish I could turn back time and change what happened."

  "Life doesn't work that way." Jody shrugs. "Besides, I'm happy, Nicky. It's so amazing up there."

  She points in the direction she descended from.

  "Better than anything anyone could possibly imagine." She shakes her head, looking blissfully happy.

  It sounds amazing. I look up and feel the tug of curiosity.

  Jody holds out her hand.

  "You don't have to be afraid. I'll take care of you."

  She giggles.

  I smile at the sweet sound and reach for her hand. A shout from below grabs my attention. I glance down and watch Dale lean over my body, pumping my chest, forcing me heart to reignite.

  "No! Nicole! Come on!"

  I pull away from Jody, my heart splitting open at his cries.

  "He's a really great guy." Jody's voice catches my attention. "I like him better than your other boyfriends."

  "He's not my boyfriend," I murmur, unable to tear my eyes away from him.

  "Well, he should be."

  Sadness swamps me as I glance back at Jody.

  "I guess he never can be now." I shrug my shoulders and turn back to face her... ready to join her in this mysterious life of light.

  Jody raises her little hand and steps away from me with a soft sigh.

  "If you went back, what would you do with your life?"

  "I don't know."

  Jody's eyes take on a granite quality.

  "You've been punishing yourself for my death... partying, hanging out with people who don't care about you, dating guys who only want one thing."

  She looks a little broken over it all.

  I flush with guilt and look away from her.

  "That would have to stop."

  My air supply is cut short and I look over to her with wide eyes. What is she saying?

  "Do you think you could do that?" Her question is said with a strong voice, way older than her nine years. I suddenly feel like the junior as I dip my head and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

  "Nicky? Do you think you could?"

  My brain ticks over with images of what my new life could be like. I'd have a few road blocks to face before I got to where I really wanted to be. Could I overcome them?

  Eventually I nod.

  "Yeah, I think I could."

  "No more slips up?"

  Her face is stern, her childlike innocence nowhere to be found.

  I swallow my chuckle.

  "I'll try."

  "No, you have to promise. Promise me it will end."

  The earnest seriousness in her eyes makes my mouth go dry.

  "I promise." And I really mean it.

  Her face flashes with disappointment and she nods.

  "Then you have a choice."

  My heart does a slow double thud before taking off like a race horse.

  "I do?"

  "Yeah," she sighs. "I'm allowed to give you a choice. I don't really want to."

  She looks to the ground.

  "It'd be great to have you up there and you'd be so happy. Life down there is really hard and your road to recovery is going to be long and painful."

  She looks up, her big blue eyes glinting like a salesman's. A deep dimple appears on her left cheek and her lips twitch.

  "But if you want to, you're allowed to return."

  I study her for a long beat, knowing what she wants... then I look through the bubble back down to earth. Memories of my last few days caught between life and death flood my brain... Dale's smirk, Adam's pale fear, my Dad's guilty tears and my Mom's silent sorrow. I look up at the light and once again feel a tug towards it. It's stronger this time so I look away.

  "What will happen to everyone I leave behind?"

  "I can't see into the future." Jody shrugs.

  I frown at her.

  "But you just said my road will be long and painful."

  Her eyes pop wide with an 'are you kidding me?' look.

  "You've been hit by a car. I'm just using common sense."

  Laughter bursts out of me before I can stop it.

  "You always were smarter than me, Jo." I shake my head and look to my feet. The weight of the decision is huge. I've hated my life for so long and now I have the perfect escape, but...

  I flick my watch strap a couple of times then look across at Jody.

  "I really want to come with you." I force my lips to smile. "But I can't do it to Mom and Dad." I gaze through the floor and watch Dale urgently trying to resuscitate me. "I can't do it to him."

  When I look back, Jody is gazing at me with a resigned smile.

  "He told me you'd say that."

  "Who?"

  She shrugs.

  "The one who believes in you."

  My brows dip with confusion.

  "Don't worry, you'll get to meet him one day, but for now just know that we're both watching you."

  The thought that she might be talking about God flitters through my head. My brain flashes with a quick 'I don't believe in him', but it's followed by a swift, 'are you sure about that?'

  I shake my head. That's a question for another day.

  Stepping forward, Jody rises to her tip toes and wraps her arms around my neck.

  "I love you, Nicky."

  "I love you too." I squeeze back as hard as I can, enjoying the familiar feeling of my sister, wrapped in my arms. I try not to imagine what life would have been like had she not died and I then have to try extra hard not to imagine returning to earth without her.

  She squeezes me back then pulls away.

  "Remember your promise."

  "I will."

  Our parting smiles are filled with warmth and affection. My tummy rumbles with giggles as Jody turns away and does a few quick dance moves we'd worked on as kids. She turns back with a cheeky grin and then starts to float away from me. I watch her ascend. When she is once again a tiny dot, the bubble around me pops and I'm falling.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  It’s hard not to scream as I rush towards the earth. All the pain that had been numb inside the bubble returns. My arm starts to scream, my knee starts to throb and my head is pounding as air rushes back into my lungs and I cough.

  "Oh, thank you, God."

  Dale touches his forehead to mine and whispers his gratitude again, placing a long, soft kiss on my forehead.

  I try to open my eyes and look at him, but all I manage is a brief glimpse of his face next to mine. I close my eyes and wince as another cough makes my body spasm.

  "It h
urts." My words are slurred and I want to weep, but my body can barely function.

  Dale brushes the hair back from my face.

  "I know," he sounds as though he's feeling my pain, "but help's on the way. It'll be over soon, okay. We'll get you warm and safe. You're gonna be fine."

  His voice is shaking. I feel his strong hand rubbing my good arm and his lips are once again on my forehead. "I think you have hypothermia, that's why your skin's so cold." He tucks his sweater more firmly around me. "Come on, Adam. Hurry up!"

  His voice is starting to fade as blackness blurs the edge of my vision.

  "No." Dale shakes me gently. "Stay awake. You're not allowed to sleep until the paramedics get here, you understand me?"

  I want to nod, I want to say yes, but I can't do either. My tongue feels swollen and my cracked lips can't move.

  I squint my eyes open and glimpse his agonized expression.

  I so want this to be over.

  My mind calls out for Jody.

  "Let me come back. I've changed my mind."

  Then those images from before whistle through my head. Gritting my teeth, I try to will my brain away from the liquid slosh that threatens to drown me.

  I force my eyes open and search for Dale. Thankfully he looks at me. His smile is radiant.

  "Hey. Stay awake, okay?"

  "I can't," I whisper.

  "Yes you can."

  I grimace as I try to make sense of what he's saying. I need something to keep me here. I can't stand this floaty feeling tugging at my mind.

  "Where's Jester?" I force the words out.

  "He's at your feet."

  "Keep talking," I slur. "Tell me about the day you brought him home."

  Dale chuckles.

  "Well..." His voice washes over me like a soothing balm. I cling to it as he walks me through his first meeting with Jester. The story is sprinkled with his classic sarcasm that keeps pulling me back to the present. Laughter lines the edges of my brain and my lips want to smile, but then it all stops.

  At my feet Jester jumps up with a loud bark, followed by a low, threatening growl.

  I open my eyes to see his teeth barred and his black eyes narrowed for the kill. I glance at Dale.