Broken Lies

by Roger Williams

  “Wow!” he said aloud. Chase reasoned that truth must certainly possess the ability to defeat lies, but he guessed it depended upon what one did with truth, how one received it. Since truth is so often rejected because it is unfamiliar to a lie-filled mind, change apparently must come either from more exposure to the truth or a radical deliverance from the lies, which is what happened to him that night a few months ago on this patio.

  These reflections helped Chase understand his continual battle with mental and behavioral patterns of the past and why he sometimes regressed to that old man he swore never again to resemble. He realized that discovering his lies and obtaining initial liberty from them weren’t enough; more important he had to continue to reflect the truth about himself in everyday life, overcoming his previous habitual behavior.

  This would indeed be a battle, perhaps a lifelong war, and Chase knew he had to fight it not merely in times of relative bliss, such as when he and Linda enjoyed an awakening in their marriage, but through dark and challenging times—marital difficulties, bitterness and unforgiveness, tragedy, and even death.

  Mentally exhausted, Chase slowly rose, left his cigar on the ground, and made his way to the bathroom before crawling into bed. He looked over at Linda with a weak smile, knowing that his conclusions allowed him to overcome the daunting temptation to reject his freedom, at least this time.

  It took several more weeks to organize everything for the move. They found a buyer for their home. Escrow would close around the middle of August, giving them just enough time to settle in and to prepare the children for the new school year. They considered seeing Doctor Rhinegold once more but decided their marriage and family life were better than ever. Linda felt securer due to Chase’s transformation, and Chase no longer viewed Linda’s previous relationship as an issue. Their excitement about the move, along with the many preparations, kept them fully occupied.

  When the day finally arrived, they asked neighbors to help load the truck. Linda bought a few pizzas and drinks, which they all shared afterward. Chase climbed into the Ryder, while Linda situated the children in the car behind. Hoping they could relax and enjoy the trip, Chase had scheduled a full week of hotel stops and sightseeing along the way.

  Frank had to tolerate Allie’s impatience for the entire seven days. She wanted to make certain that he hired a landscaper to tidy up Chase and Linda’s yard, that he called the children’s school to verify their enrollment, that he finished a few of projects in their home, and that he phoned Chase from time to time regarding the family’s trip to the East Coast.

  Frank complied with all her requests, handing his wife the phone when she wanted to hear more about the details of the Macklins’ adventure. Allie shouted with glee when Linda told her about the Grand Canyon, the Rocky Mountains, the Children’s Museum in Chicago, and even about Amy and Ryan playing in the pool at each of the hotels.

  The Ryder eventually appeared. Chase stepped out both weary and ebullient, Linda and the kids right behind. Not a moment passed before Allie called out, “Hey everyone! Welcome to New York! I picked up some sandwiches at the deli. Are you hungry?”

  Chase smiled at her energy and efficiency. “Great to see you too! Let’s get this thing unloaded first.” They all exchanged hugs and then dove in for the next couple of hours. Several of Frank and Allie’s friends were there to assist them, the men happily doing all the heavy work while the ladies unpacked boxes in the kitchen.

  “Linda, this is going to be so much fun having you two around!” Allie exclaimed. “I’m so happy we’re going to be neighbors! Isn’t it all just so amazing how things worked out?”

  “Yes, it is! Thanks so much for helping us.”

  After the truck was emptied and the sandwiches were consumed, Chase and Frank returned the Ryder and then came back to assemble the beds and to arrange the living room furniture under Linda’s careful watch.

  The Macklins loved settling into their new home and neighborhood during the next few weeks. Even the formerly reclusive Ryan quickly made friends down the street in both directions. Chase wanted to try his hand at rewiring the ancient electrical work and at fixing some of the plumbing, but his ever-cautious brother convinced him otherwise.

  Allie had mostly recovered from her injuries. She and Frank shared dinner with Chase and Linda at least two times a week, stories of Lane and Kathy dominating most of their conversations. Though it was soothing to share these tales and to laugh together, they were haunted by memories of the tragedy. It seemed like yesterday; perhaps it always would.

  Chase often allowed his tears to flow unreservedly, no longer punishing himself by taking responsibility for the deaths but unable to find freedom from the utter despair of loss. However, he did not desire to be free of grief so soon; Chase somehow felt he would dishonor their memories by turning the page at this point.

  On a couple of occasions, Linda explained to Frank and Allie how different Chase had become, pointing to his attitude, to the way he communicated with and treated others, and to his tenderness. One night the conversation grew more intense. The four of them were at Chase and Linda’s, and the children had gone to bed at eight. It happened to be Chase’s birthday.

  “So tell us, Chase,” Frank said with a grin, “what does it feel like to finally come into manhood?”

  “Oh, thanks a lot!”

  They all laughed and raised their glasses for a toast. “Seriously, Chase,” Frank continued, attempting not to smile, “have you considered installing an elevator in your house since the stairs may be problem at your age?”

  Allie joined in. “Are you going to need any help showering or getting dressed? We could always chip in for a live-in maid!”

  “You guys are horribly cruel, especially since you’re older than me! I’m only thirty-five. Just wait till you’re forty, Frank.”

  Linda cleared her throat. “So honey, what would you like to accomplish in your next thirty-five years?”

  The others chuckled but then realized the serious tone in her voice.

  Chase stared at the ceiling as he considered the question. “I think that I simply want to enjoy the moment, and by that I mean allowing myself to live within time rather than becoming a mere observer of it.”

  “You’re getting deep,” Frank said, looking at the others for support.

  “Maybe so, but I’ve had a lot of time to think about things these past few months.”

  “When?” Linda asked with a mischievous grin.

  Chase rolled his eyes. “Well, despite the fact that we’ve been incredibly busy since the move, everything feels new, more peaceable, and time seems much more manageable, maybe not because of the area but more due to the things I’ve undergone this year. You guys know what’s happened to me. If I do live for another thirty-five years, I want to be able to look back and to know that I overcame what previously kept me from who I was meant to be, rejecting the lies I had so long believed, and that I lived my remaining years according to the truth of who I am.”

  The others sat in silence for a moment, so he asked them, “Does this make any sense to you guys?”

  Allie spoke up. “Sure it does! We all could use some positive change, but not everyone will experience what you did.”

  “I’ve thought about that too. And though I agree with you, I’m convinced everyone lives with lies that need to be exposed and destroyed. They may or may not be similar to my own, but they nevertheless exist.”

  “What would you say is your biggest?” Allie wanted to know. “That is, if you don’t mind telling us.”

  “Not at all. My abandonment issue is near the top since I think it opened the door for other lies to enter. I was certainly plagued with them prior to Dad leaving, but I’m sure that event solidified what already existed.”

  “What do you think is one of mine?” Frank asked meekly.

  Chase thought for a second. “Probably that you�
�re smarter than me!” he answered with a loud laugh. “Got you back!”

  “Okay, okay, but seriously now.”

  “Seriously?” Chase fidgeted. “I don’t know, maybe fear of rejection.”

  “Why would you say that?” Frank asked with a puzzled frown.

  “Just a hunch. Lane and I—” Chase suddenly stopped, chest heaving in and out. Taking a deep breath, he continued. “Sorry about that. Guess I still have a hard time mentioning his name.”

  “We totally understand,” Allie said with a sniffle.

  “Anyway, Frank, the two of us got most of the attention, he the jovial one, me always in trouble. Could it be that you felt left out and a bit rejected, which in turn maybe led you to believe a lie that you’re not very, um, valued or accepted?”

  “Never thought about it.”

  “Well I don’t want this to turn into some sort of a therapy session, but I do believe it’s healthy to consider the possibilities. We shouldn’t ignore what may help free people from false perceptions of themselves, thoughts that more than likely affect their behavior.”

  “Okay, doc, we got it!” Frank said, hoping he spoke for the rest. “Everyone want a refill?”

  “I want to hear more!” Allie said eagerly, holding up her glass.

  Chase shrugged. “I don’t know what else to say. Thanks, Frank.”

  Allie sat forward. “Well what about abandonment? You’re saying that came from your dad’s choice to disappear?”

  “Absolutely,” said Chase without hesitation.

  Allie dropped her head. “I think my problem is feeling rejected by God.”

  Chase shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve never been able to have children. Even talking about it after all these years is difficult. It’s just that … well everyone else I know has children, so why not me? What did I do to deserve this? It seems like punishment or something.”

  “By God?”

  “Yes.”

  “I wouldn’t have a clue. What do you think, Linda?”

  “Oh, thanks,” she said, rolling her eyes at Chase and twirling her curls. “Well, Allie, if God is who I think he is, he wouldn’t sit up there in heaven and choose this person to have children and that person not to have them. So I guess what Chase is suggesting is that maybe you’ve bought into some sort of lie, not just about God but about your own feelings of unworthiness.”

  Tears suddenly streamed down Allie’s face. Frank set his glass down and put his arm around her, wiping a few from her chin. “Don’t cry, Allie. You’re not unworthy. You didn’t do anything to deserve this.” He looked toward this brother for help.

  Chase cleared his throat. “Listen, Allie. This may be the beginning of something good for you. For me, revealing a lie became the starting place toward becoming free of it. Now I’m not an expert by any means, but perhaps you can explore feelings of unworthiness and shame, and if you discover these are the lies afflicting you, see if you can embrace the truth about yourself. It will typically be the opposite of what you’ve believed. This may not be easy, but I know it’ll be worth it.”

  “Thank you,” Allie managed to say in between sobs. She then held out her glass with a forced smile. “Happy birthday.”

  CHAPTER 22

  Chase found work after a couple of months. The owners of the chemical company finally decided to employ him at a distance to supervise their national sales force. Even better, a manufacturing company out of Syracuse, expanding throughout the country, needed someone to coordinate marketing and sales nationwide. He would need to commute to the corporate office every Monday but could work the rest of the week out of his home via the Internet and telephone, ideal in that Linda would be able to assist him. Juggling two similar positions proved challenging, but he loved it.

  On one of those Mondays, around six at night before Chase came home, Linda prepared for Tuesday’s workload. An email with an unfamiliar address caught her attention. Out of curiosity she opened it, gasping when she realized its source. He heart raced as she read it.

  Dear Linda,

  It’s been about six months since you put an end to our beautiful relationship. I know you asked me not to contact you again, but I became concerned when I drove out to Glendora this morning, found your home, and discovered that your family wasn’t living there any longer. The neighbors told me you moved to upstate New York. What was that all about? I don’t want to have to track you down, so just let me know that you’re okay. You can use my new email address.

  Your good friend,

  Stan

  P.S. Just to let you know, I still have my same cell phone number.

  Linda closed the email, trembling and confused. She reopened it, fingering her curls, staring blankly at its words. How would she deal with this? Should she respond? Dare she inform Chase? What about a phone call to Doctor Rhinegold? She took a deep, slow breath, feeling alone, isolated, and helpless. Her tears fell softly onto her hands, frozen on the keyboard. It wasn’t her fault, she assured herself. But then why the shame? Why continued secrecy? Why—?

  “Hey Linda, I’m home!” Chase called out, bursting through the front door. Linda quickly hit the delete button, emptied her email trash, used a nearby Kleenex to fix her mascara, and stepped out of their home office.

  “Hi, honey,” she managed to say as cheerfully as possible. “How was your day?”

  “Well I’m going to need some help since corporate wants to open up a distributorship in California. Great news but a lot of work. Hey, what’s wrong?”

  “What do you mean?

  “You’ve been crying.”

  Linda bit her lip. “Well … yeah. I just received an email from you know who.”

  “What? No way.”

  “I’m sorry. I thought this thing was totally over. There’s been no contact all these months, but I guess he changed his email and sneaked one through on me.”

  “Can I see it?”

  “I already deleted it. I wasn’t even sure about telling you.”

  Chase reached out to embrace her, caressing her back with both hands. “I’m glad you did, really glad you did. Listen, you don’t have to respond to this Stan guy.” He said his name with disgust. “Just ignore the jerk. He’s not worth it.”

  “Thank you, hon’,” Linda said with a huge sigh, giving him a kiss. “Thank you so much for understanding.”

  Chase didn’t feel all that understanding. He knew that this was not a game, that a predator, a tormenter, a destroyer still lurked and that there was only one way to deal with such a person. Without emotion, resolute in his decision, Chase said, “Give him a call and hand me the phone.”

  “What?”

  “I’m going to talk to him.”

  “Chase, don’t do this to yourself; it’s over.”

  “That’s what you keep telling me, but obviously it’s not. Let’s put an end to it once and for all.”

  “Really? You really want to talk to him? What will you say?”

  “I don’t know. Just get him on the phone.”

  Linda slowly punched in the numbers and handed Chase the phone with incredulity.

  “Linda? Is that you?”

  “No, it’s her husband.”

  “Oh. Where’s Linda?”

  “That doesn’t matter. Listen, dude, you’ve been stalking my wife for months. This is it. You’re done. No more contact. Understand?”

  “Coming from you? No. I’d like to hear it from her own lips.”

  “You already have, moron! Your charade is over! I’m telling you right now—”

  “I love her.”

  The words struck Chase full force in the abdomen. Struggling to maintain his composure, he held the phone away from his ear, trying to formulate a response. Instead, he hit “End” and threw the phone on the sofa.

 
“What an idiot! That guy’s a complete jerk. And by the way,” Chase added angrily, “change your cell number. I’ve told you that before.”

  “I will,” Linda answered meekly. “And Chase, thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  He stormed up the stairs, still shaking from the confrontation. She stared at her phone, stupefied, and shook her head, wondering.

  CHAPTER 23

  Linda thoroughly enjoyed working at home with Chase, sharing her experience in marketing and completing most of the necessary organizational tasks that Chase would have neglected. However, the next few days proved rather tense, Chase avoiding eye contact and Linda feeling insecure and needing comfort. He even returned to an old habit of staying up late to watch a Lakers game so that she would be fast asleep before he retired upstairs.

  “Are we ever going to resolve this issue?” she wearily asked one night after dinner.

  “It’s up to you.”

  “Chase, I don’t want to fight any longer. It doesn’t even feel like a fight. You did the right thing in calling him, and now it’s over. Why can’t we simply move past it all?

  “I already have.”

  “So why are you punishing me with your silence?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not certain what to believe any longer.”

  “You don’t trust me?”

  He wanted to. He knew he needed to, particularly since his inability to trust had been identified as one of his lifelong lies. “I trust you, Linda, just not him. Can you give me more time to process it all?”

  “Why don’t we process it together?” she pleaded. “After all, I am involved in the situation.”

  “I’m aware of that. Listen, why don’t we simply forget the whole thing until … unless he contacts you again. I can bury the issue. Let’s move on from here and consider it resolved.”