by Roxy Queen
“Me either,” I confess. “But, for real, you may want to take a shower and wash the smell of my pussy off your hands, that’s the last thing I need to hear about tonight.”
Carter laughs and kisses me, ignoring Josh and the outside world for a couple more minutes.
Chapter 6
Caught in some weird world of in between, I drive the teens to the church for the Christmas Eve service. They volunteered to ride with me because I’m not ‘old’, like my sister and parents, but I’m not quite one of them either, even if I am screwing one of them on a daily basis.
Carter’s yummy smell of soap and detergent entices me from his spot in the passenger seat, his long legs giving him the privilege to ride shotgun. I keep my eyes on the road, not on him. Not on his movements. Not on his sex-satisfied grin. Not even on the fingers that just made me come. Twice.
The secret burns in the air between us. Josh knows but doesn’t care. Maddie? She’s clueless.
“The tree looks lovely this year,” my mother says as we approach the sanctuary doors. “The women’s group outdid themselves.”
Through the window the huge Christmas tree towers over the pews. Decorated with white and gold symbolic ornaments, each year the tree seems to get bigger and bigger.
My father holds the door for us and as I pass through last he wraps his arm around my shoulder. “Merry Christmas, Ruthie. I’m glad you came home.”
“Thanks Pop. Me too.”
“It can be hard to face your past, but you’ve always been strong.”
His words hit me as I enter the sanctuary and realize quickly it’s anything but a place of safety. Sure, my family is here. I have Carter, even though I can’t look, touch, or really even talk to him. But I’ve crossed into that surreal world of my childhood and youth, where everyone knows me. The minister and choir director. The moms I used to babysit for. The kids, grown up and teens themselves. I spot several former classmates, ones I’d never hoped to see again. Everyone here knows about my past and about Jamie and how I’m a flighty fuck up. “Book smart but not life smart,” they say. “Poor Ruthie, she had it all but let it slip away.”
They don’t say this today, though. It’s Christmas. One of the days people plaster bright smiles on our faces and pretend to be about love and Jesus. I wave to Kathy Stinton, pretending she didn’t stab me in the back in the eighth grade by telling Nathan Clark I liked him but then asking him to slow dance at the Valentine’s Party. I offer a fast smile to Amber Rhodes, mean girl number one in my class. Marcy Jameson actually gives me a hug when we pass her row.
“Ruthie, I’ve been thinking of you.”
“Aw,” I say, scrunching my nose. “You really shouldn’t.”
Jesus take the wheel and pass the communion wine. There’s no way I’m making it through this.
This trip down memory lane doesn’t even include the judgy looks from my mother’s friends. The ones that gave me bridal showers and felt Jamie’s dumping me was my fault. You know, because it was my fault he wanted to start over after med-school. That he felt exhausted by life and loving me wasn’t enough.
Whatever Jamie. What.Ever.
It’s all too much and I freeze in the aisle, unable to go further. “I can’t do this,” I whisper to Tara.
“Do what?”
“This…all these people. I think I’m having a panic attack.” I take a deep, rattling breath.
My sister looks at me hard before her eyes soften. “I have an idea.” She says, leaning around me. “Carter, sit next to Ruthie.”
“What?” I ask.
He shrugs and moves closer.
“Screw them. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”
“What the heck are you talking about, Tara?”
“Give those judgy witches something to really stare and talk about.” She jerks her head toward Carter and all his handsomeness.
“No way.”
“I’m game,” he says, looking absolutely sincere. Of course he does.
“This is totally awkward,” I say.
Tara leans in and whispers in my ear, “Jamie and family are on row three, left side. You can take the high road or make him and everyone else in here jealous as hell.”
My eyes fly to the seat she’s described and sure enough there he is. My ex-fiancé. Short, cropped, white-blonde hair and fair skin. The opposite of the bronze God next to me. Jamie smiled at his mother, completely comfortable. He should be, I suppose. I’m the one that took off after the break-up, leaving the questions to my parents to answer.
What did I do? I found myself a teenage boy toy and fucked him senseless for months on end. That’s how I got over Jamie. That’s how I moved on. My Carter moving inside me.
We slide into our pew, with Tara and Carter taking a place on each of my sides. Carter moves closer than he should, ready to play the game. I’d fight him but his warm shoulder against mine makes me feel better already.
“Relax,” Carter says, his thigh brushing against mine. He smiles and I can’t help but return the gesture.
With Carter next to me, things feel right for the first time in days. I drift in and out of the service, listening to the music and trying to get into the spirit of things. I share a hymnal with Carter, allowing even more contact. We’re like the other couples scattered throughout the church. My parents. Sean and Tara.
As we wait our turn for communion I see Carter pull a blue paper card from the back of the pew. With one of the short, stubby pencils he writes on the paper, out of my sight.
“What?” I whisper, but he shakes his head.
The ushers approach our row and it’s time to take communion. He folds the paper into a tiny square and stuffs it in his pocket as we walk down the aisle to the altar.
I hold eye contact with Jamie when we pass their row. He nods and smiles, but his eyes don’t stay with me for long. They sift to the hand wrapped in mine, then up to the person who’s with me.
Tara lifts an eyebrow just as realization crosses Jamie’s face and admittedly, my heart swells. My family may think this is a fake, pity-fueled relationship, but one person knows the truth about me and Carter. Jamie knows we are a real couple and that’s all that matters to me right now.
We take communion, one at a time, before kneeling at the altar. I close my eyes and say a prayer. Thanking God for my family. For my life in Raleigh. For Carter and for him being with me this Christmas. When I open them again, I see Carter has already moved back to the pew but the tiny square of blue paper lies on the smooth wood altar in front of me. I pick it up and open the paper while the congregation moves quietly around me, busy with their own families or worship.
The paper itself is for the canned food drive, listing the dates and times of the event. I flip it over and see the words meant for me.
“I love you more than you can comprehend. Merry Christmas.”
Chapter 7
When we were little, my dad would dress like Santa, leaving boot prints by the fireplace. Like every other child, I was completely convinced Santa devoured the cookies, milk and carrots we left for him and the reindeer. I was a true believer.
Maddie’s the youngest, and at sixteen she’s a little old to play Santa, so instead we drink eggnog and stuff our faces with sweets while we take turns hiding presents under the tree. Pop went to bed an hour ago when Maddie and Josh insisted on watching a 24-hour Christmas movie marathon of the same silly movie. Sean sits with them, reciting every line. It’s cute and makes me wistful for my own family unit.
My mother appears close to midnight and hangs a stocking on the fireplace. The name Carter is stitched across the front.
“You didn’t have to,” Carter says, hopping up from where we’re playing cards with Tara.
“Everyone needs a stocking,” she says, as though this is fact, which I guess it is.
Tara jabs me with her elbow. She points at Carter’s back, his shirt taut across the shoulders from wrapping his arms around my mom. “For real. What’s the wingspan on th
at? And have you even seen his fingers? What am I asking? Of course you have.”
The stocking brings the cutest smile on Carter’s face and it’s infectious. Tara must feel it as well because she hops up and gives him a big hug, too. Good grief.
When she’s done she sits back down and says, “Jamie was so jealous tonight.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“No maybe about it. He cornered me after church and asked me about Carter.”
“No way.”
She takes a sip of her drink. “Yep. Totally. Jealous.”
“What did you say?”
“I said that you met him at school. That he’s from Raleigh and came down to spend the holiday with the family. And that you seemed really happy.”
I laugh. “Good one.”
“None of it is a lie. You do seem happy.”
I spread my cards across the carpet. “I am.”
Carter joins us back on the floor and picks up his cards. “Your mom is really nice.”
“She is,” Tara says. “She’ll be so much happier once Ruthie settles down and produces some more grandkids.”
“Shut up.”
“Please. I peaked too soon. I should have held out for their retirement before knocking out those two. Insta-babysitter.”
“You had kids pretty young, right?” Carter asks.
“Yeah.”
“What was it like? Having them early?”
Tara shrugs. “It was okay. We missed out on social stuff with our friends. I always thought I’d live in New York or something but I wouldn’t trade it. Why? You planning on making babies with that girlfriend of yours?”
He smiles, his eyes dart to mine. “One day.”
Is he serious about having kids with me? I doubt it. He’s too young to know what he wants, hell I have no idea what I want, but the idea of that kind of life with Carter is appealing even if it’s out of reach.
“You’ll be like, the hottest dad around,” Tara says, cheeks and nose red from the rum. “Total DILF.”
“Thanks.”
“That’s a real thing, you know. DILF. I overheard Maddie’s friends talking about it. Right Mads?”
“Mom, don’t be gross.”
“Sean made the list,” Tara brags in a false whisper. How much eggnog has she had?
“Carter’s really great with kids,” I say, before realizing that’s information I shouldn’t have. “They love him.”
“Yeah,” Carter says, blue eyes flashing back and forth between us. “I was telling Ruthie that I’m a lifeguard and swim coach in the summer. I love working with kids.”
Tara tips her mug of eggnog back and finishes her drink, eyes on me the whole time. “I wish we had a lifeguard like you at my pool. You could give me mouth to mouth anytime.”
Her implication is thick and my eyes widen. Carter’s cheeks flush, which only proves how embarrassed he is, because Carter is hard to humiliate. “Okay guys,” I say, taking everyone’s cards. “It’s late and I think we need to head to bed. Santa needs time to fill the stockings.”
I help Tara off the floor and pawn her off onto Sean. Hopefully she’s too drunk to remember most of this in the morning. Thank Goodness.
Maddie shuts off the TV, and I collect the cups and plates and put them in the dishwasher. By the time I come back out, the house is dark. Everyone’s gone to bed—including Carter. I touch his note from earlier in my pocket. It’s all I need.
*
Since there are no little kids, we agree to meet around ten for presents and brunch. My phone buzzes under my pillow at eight and I paw for it in the dark. It’s no surprise Carter’s up already. His workout routine has him up by six every day. Sleeping until eight is a luxury.
Merry Christmas!
Where are you?
In the kitchen
Alone?
Nope
I roll over and see that Maddie is still sleeping, arms and legs bundled under the purple comforter. I rack my brain for somewhere to meet.
Off the basement there’s a storage room. Meet me there in ten. Bring presents.
I brush my teeth and hair before pulling on a hoodie. I grab the remaining present from my bag and stuff it in my front pocket. In the hallway I hear a cabinet slam in the kitchen, signaling that either my mom or is dad already up, preparing for the day. I tiptoe past and sneak downstairs.
Carter waits behind the door like the best present ever.
“Hey,” I say, going directly into his arms. His lips are warm and soft.
“Sleep good?”
“Maddie snores.”
He laughs and squeezes me. “Really?”
“Yes, I think she has allergies or something, but it’s like sharing a room with a gorilla.”
“Ow, what’s this?” He points to the lump in my shirt. I pull it out and hand him the box wrapped in gold and red paper.
“Open it,” I say.
Carter leans against the worktable and unwraps the box. “It’s a Gorman,” I say, when he sees the watch. “It will monitor your heart and pacing. It also has a GPS. It’s like a robot for your arm.”
Carter pulls it out of the package and straps it to his arm. His smile is huge. “Thank you. I’ve been wanting one of these,” he says, checking it out. “It will take me all afternoon to figure out how to use it.” He kisses me again and moves his lips to my ear and down my neck. His hands fumble near the hem of my shirt but I stop him.
“What?” he asks.
“Um…my gift?”
“What? Sex isn’t a good enough present?”
For a moment I almost say yes, because honestly, it’s all I need. Him. His hands and mouth. His cock. But he’s got an annoying smirk on his face and I know he’s stalling.
“What did you get me?”
He takes my face in his hands and kisses me again, softly. I have the urge to make love to him, not fuck, but you do that in a bed not on the worktable in your parent’s basement. We part and his eyes flash to mine and I realize something. “You’re nervous?”
“No.” He shifts on his feet. “Sort of.”
“Is it that bad? Did you get me a teddy bear? I promise I won’t laugh or anything. Whatever it is, you know I’ll love it.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, square box. It’s not wrapped other than a thin sliver ribbon crisscrossed over the top. A tremor runs through his normally steady hands. He places the box in my outstretched palm.
“It’s not an engagement ring,” he blurts.
It may not be an engagement ring but it is a ring. Silver with flowers engraved in the metal. I pick it up and see that the markings go all the way around.
“It’s beautiful,” I say. Something catches my eye on the inner rim of the ring and I hold it up. It’s an inscription.
Carter closes his hand over mine before I can read the inscription. He licks his lips and says, “I love you. I want you to be mine for as long as you’re willing. This doesn’t have to be forever. I know you have your reservations even though I don’t. I’m in this until the end, but just understand I’ll follow your lead.” He swallows. “I’d like you to wear this ring. For me. And if you want, one day I’ll replace it with the real thing.”
He takes his hand off and I see the word written in fine script.
Mine
“I’ll wear it,” I say, caught up in the moment. Caught up in his words. Whatever Carter wants from me, I’ll give to him. It’s my weakness. He’s my weakness.
He slips the ring on my finger and it’s a perfect fit.
“Yeah?”
The nervous look falls off his face and is replaced by the handsome, sure man I know and love. He picks me up by the waist and kisses me, sealing the deal we’ve just made.
*
Other than Maddie not getting the new iPhone she wanted, Christmas is uneventful. In a house full of adults, the spark of excitement cultivated by Santa is missing, but it didn’t matter. The silver ring burns in my pocket, a constant reminder that he
loves me and I love him and in two days we’ll be out of here to continue our lives. To fuck and frolic at the beach.
More than once I catch Carter looking at me. His eyes claim me between bites of pancakes, through present openings and with each Christmas song on the radio.
“Ruthie, hand me the flour,” my mother says, after we’ve finished gift opening. The men are in charge of the living room. Getting rid of the trash and recycling all the paper. My mother, sister and I have to get the food ready for the party tonight.
“My friends all think it’s crazy we have this party on Christmas day,” Tara says.
“It’s tradition,” my mother replies, stirring the flour into the bowl. She’s making one last batch of cookies because Carter and Josh have eaten more than their share. “My mother invited the neighbors over and then took over once we had a home of our own.”
“I only accept it because of nap time. That’s really the best part of the day.” After our huge brunch and pre-party preparations my mother always forced us to take a nap before guests came over. That is another tradition that never died—even though we were all adults. The only people that fight it are Maddie and Josh.
My mother is an amazing hostess so there isn’t much to do once we get the house cleaned up. I’ve just filled the cooler with beer and soda when I’m given approval to take a break.
“Nap time,” my mother calls, shooing everyone to their rooms. She and my father disappear into their room. Sean goes ahead to the guest room and I spot Tara cornering the kids. Carter lingers on the edge.
“I’m not making you take a nap. Watch a movie or something in the basement—but don’t come up for a couple hours or Moms will put you to work,” she says.
“Grand Theft?” Josh asks Carter. “I’ve got Madden, also.”
“Do you mind if I take a run?” Carter asks my sister. Aw, she’s sort of become his surrogate mom. Weird.
Tara looks him over. “I’m pretty sure my mother thinks you’re an angel sent from above. You can do whatever you want. Just be quiet about it.”
I follow my sister upstairs. “I love how you make them think they are getting out of naptime so you and Sean can get it on.”
