2 Maid in the Shade

by Bridget Allison

  I flipped on the ceiling fan and headed toward the kitchen, knelt down, opened my bag and snapped on some heavy disposable gloves. I pulled out a sponge, some baking soda and a few spray cleansers before striding over to open the fridge. I stopped where the vomit should have congealed. It was gone. I knew the police took samples, but this was clean. The whole floor, in fact, was spotless.

  “Curiouser and curiouser”, I said.

  Lucy gave me a blank look. “Ah! You mean that the floor is so clean?”

  “Yeah,” I said slowly. The nagging thoughts which had been chirping at me over the past day collided into one epiphany.

  I grabbed my cell phone and hissed to Lucy—“Don’t start anything yet.” I opened the door to the patio and had a hurried conversation then stepped back inside.

  “You needed to call someone?” Lucy asked feigning a disinterested tone.

  “Yep,” I said smiling brightly.

  “Nothing interesting I assume?”

  “Hmm, pretty interesting, but private.”

  She bit her lip and turned back to the refrigerator as I opened it.

  Lucy gasped when we peered in.

  “Yuck! That woman saved everything.”

  I handed her a pair of gloves. “Seriously?” She asked.

  “Yep” I said briskly, “unless you want to go read or something.”

  “NO! No! Glad to help, but gloves?”

  “Gloves,” I said firmly.

  “At Mae’s?”

  “Especially at Mae’s,” I replied.

  Lucy said nothing, she was obviously dying to ask why I would particularly want her to wear gloves to help handle Mae’s old food, but she was trying a new tactic; pretending she wasn’t eaten up with curiosity.

  “Should we see if anything here is something the neighbors would want?”

  “Nope,” I said, “not this time.” I turned and winked at her, “Because it came from Mae’s.”

  “Who saved everything,” Lucy huffed in exasperation.

  “A lot of older people do, don’t forget what we had to clean up from your mother’s fridge after she died,” I said archly.

  Lucy shuddered then laughed. “I can’t imagine opening those doors with anyone who took that God-awful mess as lightly as you did.”

  I smiled and opened the door wider as I began to clear the shelves of half-eaten containers of yogurt, packs of duck sauce, a pint of buttermilk and assorted other items. Then Lucy held open the bag and I cleared the freezer.

  We worked in silence. Lucy pulled out the fresh vegetable bins off their tracks and took them over to the sink.

  “Hey, hang on a sec,” I said quickly. “Don’t use the disposal okay? Use the plastic bags.”

  She turned and raised her eyebrows then did as she was told.

  I stopped as soon as we finished and texted Jared. “Almost ready.”

  In a few moments I heard a car door slam and Jared and a cute little brunette came into the house. I handed him the baggies of food. “Hey Lucy,” he smiled, “never expected to see you in quite such a domesticated scene.”

  She grinned, “But I bet you’ve pictured me in all kinds of others.”

  He let that pass. “Y’all know Loretta? She’s with the crime lab.”

  After Lucy and Loretta reintroduced themselves through their tangled network of small town interwoven pasts, including hay rides and hi-jinks, Loretta nudged Jared. “Ready?”

  He turned to me. “I hope you’re not going to make me look like an idiot with this,” he said.

  “Not possible,” I said drily.

  Loretta snapped on a pair of gloves and took the only remaining item, the pot of stew I had so carelessly put in the fridge days ago. Then, before I knew it they were out the door. Jared turned back towards me and said “Okay if I stop by sometime?”

  I hesitated, “Sure,” I said, “it will be great to hear the results.”

  His jaw clenched a bit. “I can just email them.”

  “No, if you can, come by and tell me,” I tried to sound more enthusiastic.

  “We’ll let you know then.” And he was out the door.

  “Whoa,” Lucy said, “That was a serious waste of a potential booty call at the very least. Aren’t you the tiniest bit interested in keeping that one on the bench a little longer?”

  “Was it that bad? I was hoping it just made me feel bad.”

  “Nope, I think I can safely say that was at least as bad as you thought.”

  “Ah,” I groaned, “I just don’t know what I want any more Lucy.”

  “Just because you’re considering going vegetarian that’s no reason to throw the beef out.”

  “You certainly have a gift for hurling metaphors.”

  “Oh, alright, let me be frank.”

  “That will be a refreshing change from Lucy, what does Frank sound like?”

  “Frank is saying “I think you will always wonder if you don’t give him a shot.”

  “I sure feel like shooting someone.” I muttered.

  “Hmm,” Lucy cocked her head and pretended to be listening to someone. “What’s that? Okay, Frank says you don’t have to go that far just to see the deputy again.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Frank also says “don’t shoot Lucy, and you already shot Jared and shot him down. Conserve your ammo.”

  “I did sort of shoot him down, didn’t I? Well, you’ve just given me a good idea on how to patch things up with Jared; I’d hate to lose his friendship.”

  “Frank says “Now you’re talking.”

  “Frank can shut up now.” I smiled, “Let me just check this computer for Herb and Mae’s book and we can get out of here.”

  I pulled out two flash drives and turned on the computer. The network connected automatically. Mae’s bills were paid up for power and internet, lucky me.

  Lucy crept up behind me, her voice a husky whisper. “Why two? That must be one hell of a book, why don’t you take your gloves off?”

  “I thought Frank was going to be quiet, but why are you whispering?”

  “Frank never could keep his mouth shut; you should have known that before you agreed to be introduced. And I was whispering,” She cleared her throat and started speaking normally, “I was whispering because you look furtive.”

  “Listen to the nice vocab on you! Frank didn’t go to an elite boarding school for Southern young women did he?”

  She shrugged. “Frank has a tortured history, now, why do you look like you are doing something wrong?”

  I swiveled the chair around. “I’m doing something right just maybe not in the eyes of…”

  “Jared, Mae’s estate, and our general legal system?”

  “Maybe I’m just swiping a free copy so I don’t have to pay for it.”

  She looked at me dubiously.

  “Okay,” I snapped, “Nosy, I’m being nosy.”

  She grinned, “Nothing wrong with nosy, nosy I can get behind.”

  I leaned down and began to remove one memory stick while I replaced it with another and searched. There was the file I had been looking for; the book was saved under the original title with the date tacked on.

  I made a copy of both versions onto the second memory stick, capped them and stuck them in my front pocket. Just then a text notification went off, the text had an assigned tone personalized for Ben and I snatched my phone up and read. “Landed…see you in 21 days or so. Do miss me. When I deplane turning over my phone.”

  I typed back quickly. “I miss you now. Be safe.”

  “Huh,” Lucy said, “Ben’s gone?”

  I whipped around and she grinned. “Remember! Nosy I can get behind, literally.”

  “Yes,” I admitted, “Ben is gone for three weeks, mostly incommunicado.”

  “Wow, what the hell does he do that he can’t talk on the phone? I thought he was a consultant?” She brightened. “Is he in MI6? James Bond kind of stuff?”

  “Clearly you were reading espionage novels inside the cove
r of your textbooks during class at Miss Beaumont’s School for Girls.”

  “You can board ‘em but they don’t always take to the harness. So what happens when he gets back, what’s with the ring tone, isn’t that Kings of Leon? What song is that? Isn’t it “Use Somebody?” I can’t remember now, does Jared have his own ring tone? Is it “Sex on Fire?” Do I have my own? Tell me it isn’t the same as Mona’s! I remember hers, it’s Pink’s “Trouble.” Please say I don’t have the same one as Mona! I deserve my own ring tone! How about “Redneck Woman?

  “But back to Jared, hmm, you know a lot can happen in three weeks with Ben gone, and there is nothing official between you two yet. Zero accountability,” she said gleefully.

  I pulled up an adjoining chair. “Sit.”

  She panted like a grinning dog, laughed then sat and scooted closer.

  “Ben is a financial consultant for corporations which want to invest abroad in countries where the government needs to be stable. But, it’s probably a higher return when the region looks to the outside world like it isn’t very stable yet. Risk, even just perceived risk, equals reward in finance if you have more information than your competitors.”

  “Okay,” she said, “I get that, kind of like investing in Joe’s hardware when you saw his boat got repossessed last year but you’re sleeping with Joe and he just bought you some expensive jewelry so you know…”

  I held up my hand in exasperation. “How about if you are in Syria after the elections are over, the President has been refusing to step down and then he accepts exile?”

  “That was a pretty sure bet already.”

  “Not if you don’t know the will of the people, the strength of his party, if all the military is on board, what they think of his replacement…”

  “Got it. Impressive.”

  “Impressive, but possibly something I shouldn’t have shared so you won’t either. Even with Rod.”

  She nodded thoughtfully.

  “And, in no particular order, no you don’t have your own ring tone, you have grown up with too much money and style to ever fit “Redneck Woman” and I have not thought of any song that fits you. Except for reasons surpassing all understanding “Sex on Fire” would suit you the way you heat up a room. But people might get the wrong idea.”

  We both laughed. “It’s true,” she said, “I can’t help it if” she burst into song “I’mmmmm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my jeans too sexy for my …”

  “Quit campaigning, and please for goodness sakes, stop singing, again small town, wrong impression. I know you’re the epitome of faithfulness, but I bet I couldn’t get many people to back me on that the way you act.”

  “Rod knows,” she said. “Rod gets it.”

  “I know he does. You’re both lucky, even if he is gone a lot.”

  “Boy I bet if you have something like “Sex on Fire” for Jared and Ben heard it he’d be jealous. Although if I hadn’t seen it for myself I couldn’t imagine jealous on Ben. He’s so stiff.” She sniggered. “So is he? Always stiff?”

  “Gah! How did I get into this conversation? I know better. But Ben is not someone you could get a rise out of easily.”

  She grinned merrily “Now is that a challenge?”

  “I know you better than that; I think Ben would see through you too and pretty quickly. You are all raucous misbehavior on the outside, complete propriety when necessary and extremely loyal.”

  “Would you believe me if I said Jared is just like me that way?”

  “Nope, and stop marketing mates to me.”

  “So Ben has another surprising side too? Is he secretly a bad boy?”

  “You MUST be trying to aggravate me! I just mean he keeps a lot of what he thinks to himself and few people can really get under his skin but when they do…”

  “He is a volcano ready to erupt!”

  “Fine, Ben is a volcano. He is also true. Definitely for better or worse material, in sickness and in health.”

  “And you would label Jared what?”

  “Break glass! For emergency use only,” I turned back to the computer and began closing down the documents.

  “It seems to me that a girl who says she is never getting married might need both. So, one you don't want to live without, one you could die without.”

  I froze. “That’s overly dramatic, but you really are deceptively wise.”

  “Don’t tell anybody.”

  “No worries. Right now I really hate that about you.”

  Facebook Post: “My method for getting what I want is: First I use honey, then vinegar, then more honey, then hydrochloric acid.”

  Chapter 10

  We went by “Pie in the Sky” and I picked up two fresh chicken pies of Diva Mama’s. Then I bought an extra six pack of the frozen individual ones for Mona and another for me. Lucy picked up several orders from the Diva Mama selection and some individual ones for her maid Betty.

  “How is Betty?” I asked idly as we were waiting to be rung up.

  A passing shadow crossed her face and Lucy toyed with her wild wavy hair for a moment before answering. She pulled at one ginger lock straightening it briefly before it sprang back into the ocean of thick waves and curls that looked so overpowering on her pixie frame.

  “Not great. I have to figure something out. She’s a proud woman. Thankfully, she is also forgetful. So if I tell her she cleaned a room already then she snaps at me.” She says, “I may not be what I used to be but I know what I know and I don’t need to be told I done cleaned that room!”

  I laughed, the imitation was spot on.

  “Let me guess, you clean before she gets there.”

  “Yeah, except the kitchen and the study. The kitchen is what she tackles before her stories come on the television. She falls asleep in her chair now. When she wakes up we fix lunch, and finish up the great room where I just scatter some things around. Then she does a little in the study. Rod isn’t around much so that isn’t too bad.”

  “I guess you can’t hire an extra maid.”

  “I wish; keeping the house up to her standards is wearing me out. Of course I could hire someone else, but word would get around, she would be ashamed.”

  “Can she retire?”

  “Sure, I set up an account for her years ago and paid off her house when Mother died, I told her it was in the will. But she would never make it in a nursing home and someone needs to check on her. That is just a fact.”

  “So I am sure you have thought of a backup plan.”

  “I have; many backup plans. The woman half raised me. I have to decide what’s fair to my family too.”

  “Rod always seems on board with whatever you want; I’m sure any choice you make will be good for the kids.”

  “How so?”

  “Example. Role model. Etcetera.”

  “True.” She said thoughtfully, “that is true.”

  The cashier, whose name tag said “Rose” rang up our purchases and sweetly complied with all the different packaging in each insulated bag.

  As we were turning to leave the bells on the door tinkled and a man walked in. “You got the Diva M-?”

  Rose pointed to the freezer case with the Diva Mama signature logo on it and smiled as she waved us out the door.

  When we got to Herb's with the stored document he looked relieved and grateful to see the memory stick. He awkwardly handed me a check and seemed touched by the condolences. I was pretty quick to mention I hadn’t actually baked the pie.

  “Come on in and have a piece,” he told us and we happily obliged.

  “I'm so sorry about Mae,” I told him as we grabbed plates and poured milk, “I know you were close.”

  “Yeah, but I had no idea she never filed those papers,” he shook his head. “Felt strange to be named as husband in the obituary. It feels wrong. I think Bill is upset about that too.

  “But legally, it’s a fact.”

  “Well….. Yeah,” he said digging into his meal, “I tole her Bill was a good ma
n but she was dragging her feet. She was going to marry him, no question; she was just worried about being stuck in her ways. You know, this town don’t take kindly to someone divorced twice. Once, they’ll forgive, twice puts you in a whole ‘nother category.”

  “My first wife, she died some years back.” He shook his head. “That gal; it was all different you know what I mean? I was lucky there. She was real close to getting engaged to my best friend. I was sure he was going to pop the question. Big group of us went out on the lake one day, berry picking, swimming, picnic…you know the kinds of things kids aren’t interested in anymore. And we were together, the three of us, just rambling in the brambles and suddenly I knew my friend was going to ask her soon. But he never got to, she got sick shortly after. Folks called it a nervous breakdown, but I stood by her. He didn’t. I knew she would be okay someday. She was, and she was real brave about it. She could have left town and gotten a fresh start somewhere, but she stuck with me. We got married and as grateful as I was to have her, that pretty gal thought she was the lucky one. Couldn’t convince her to have kids though; she was afraid the hallucinations would come back and she would be a bad mother. We was real happy though the whole time. She died in a car accident in the city.

  Never figured I’d get married again myself, but you know, you get lonely and sometimes you think companionship might be enough. It ain’t.

  I liked Mae just fine,” he continued, “but we never should of gotten married.”

  He wiped his eyes and pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and blew his nose.

  Lucy and I stared at each other across the table. “Yikes!” her eyes seemed to say, while mine were thoughtful.

  Herb took a big sip of milk and tucked his handkerchief away, signaling that sharing time was over.

  “Well,” he said with a smile, “you can’t expect that kind of luck twice in a lifetime.” He took a big bite of pie then stopped and chewed carefully “Good Lord almighty this pie is so good my taste bugs are doing a jig!”

  “You know, Diva is working on a vegetarian one, she has a portabella mushroom in the works already. You two should get together on something.”