Dying to Love Her

by Tina Martin

Clara frowned, confused. “I’m so not following you right now.”

  “Andre shouldn’t have to worry about me like he does. He has his company to worry about,” I said, letting out a frustrated breath, hoping she gets it this time.

  “And this is what you guys were arguing about? He cares about you too much and you, somehow, see that as a bad thing?”

  I covered my eyes and blew a breath, exasperated. “Jeez, Clara. You are beginning to sound like my mother.”

  “I’m sorry, but I’m really trying to see what the problem is and I just don’t see it.” She interlocked her fingers as she tried to conceal a smile on her face.

  “Okay, well let me say this one more time. Andre shouldn’t have to be worried about me. Clara, the man watches me sleep almost every night.”

  “And?”

  “If he’s watching me sleep, that means he’s not sleeping! He looks like a sleep deprived mess, albeit a fine one, but still...he has a business to run and I don’t intend to be the downfall of the legacy he’s built. I just think he’ll be better off if he divorced me.”

  “Oh, now you’re just talking a bunch of foolishness.”

  “Hear me out,” I told her. I needed to explain my position so that someone understood where I was coming from because, so far, I have no one in my court. Not Mom, not Andre’s parents and definitely not Andre. So after getting my thoughts in order, I said, “I feel like I’m going to die anyway, so what’s the point of Andre wasting a year or two on me when he could be with someone else whom he can love for an eternity? I’m sure the thought of being with someone normal has crossed his mind and I want to give him the opportunity to do that. I know he won’t leave me. He would never leave me. That’s why I left...for clarity and for him.”

  “Hmm,” Clara said, bouncing her leg up and down like she’s itching to say something, to make a point.

  Before she’s able to say anything further, I continued, “Andre is too good for me. I’m not ashamed to admit that...just like I’m not ashamed to say I don’t deserve all of this,” I said, looking around at this beautiful home, just as fancy as our home in Coral Gables, Florida. “You know me, Clara. How did I go from a one-bedroom apartment to this? This is not my life. For years it has been programmed in me that I didn’t have long to live...that I was dying. So that’s my mindset. I’m dying. Why add Andre to the mix? Why make him feel like he has to love me?”

  “I’m sure Andre loves you because that’s what he truly feels in his heart, Ava. But do you love him, because—”

  “Of course I love him,” I said, cutting her off before she could even finish her statement.

  “Then why are you trying so hard to sabotage your relationship with him?”

  Sabotage? She made it sound like I was intentionally trying to destroy my marriage, which is far from what I wanted to accomplish. I only wanted to give Andre space so that he could come to the conclusion that I wasn’t right for him – the correct conclusion of the matter.

  “You know the saying, if you love someone let them go?”

  Clara nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Well, that’s sort of what I’m doing. I’m letting him go.”

  “There’s one flaw with that.”

  “Which is?”

  “In a marriage, you can’t single-handedly decide to let go. There was to be some mutual agreement.”

  “Not necessarily.”

  “Okay, so if Andre comes here to pick you up on his private jet and whisk you back to Florida, then what?”

  “I’m not going back.”

  “Ava...”

  “I’m not. I can’t. I don’t want to be the focus of everyone’s attention. You should see how his parents behave around me...like I’m fragile...like I’m going to break, and maybe I am, but I don’t want the whole world to see me when I do, and I don’t want...” I stopped talking and focused on withholding tears instead. After my success at it, I continued, “I don’t want him to suffer when I die.”

  Clara dabbed her eyes. “Ava, I know it’s hard. I’m not in your shoes, so I can’t say for certain that I know what you’re going through, but I do know you have to stop focusing on dying and just live.”

  “I can’t live with that on my conscience. I just wish I never would’ve met Andre.”

  “But then you wouldn’t have Andrew.”

  Tears ran down my face. The thought of not having Andrew hurts me to my core. I love my son more than life, but my feelings on the decision to leave Andre were deeply entrenched.

  “Have you spoken to Andre since you’ve been here?”

  “Not much. He calls to say goodnight to Andrew, but since I told him I needed space, he’s giving me space...said he’s fed up with fighting about the same thing over and over again.”

  I stood up, feeling queasy. With a nervous stomach, I walked over to the bay windows, staring out into the yard for a moment. “He’s almost at his breaking point,” I said. “Andre is never angry about anything, but he was furious with me. I watched every wrinkle in his forehead deepen and the veins in his neck bulge when I told him I was leaving.”

  “He didn’t punch the wall this time, did he?” Clara asked, remembering that Andre had done something similar before.

  I turned my attention away from the windows and looked at Clara. “No, but if looks could kill...”

  I had never seen Andre so angry. Even when he first found out he had a son, and that I’d kept that from him, he wasn’t this angry. But while watching me pack my suitcase, he shot me a penetrating glare that made me shiver. Then he left the room, slamming the door to a close.

  “Andre’s a passionate man,” I said. “He’s passionate about his work—”

  “And about you. The man is craaazy about you, Ava, which is why I don’t think you should give up on him or yourself. With all the advances in medicine today, you have options. Throwing your hands up in the air and walking away shouldn’t be one of them.”

  “You’re right. I know you are, but I need to sort out my own feelings and what I really want.”

  “And how long is that going to take?”

  “Not sure, but I’ll be here until I work through it.”

  Clara stood up from her seat, walked over and stood next to Ava. “And I’ll be here whenever you need me.”

  I smiled at my friend.

  “I know you think I’m not particularly on your side about this, but part of being a friend is being honest and I honestly think you’re making a mistake. Now I do realize that you need time...shoot, sometimes, I have to give myself a break from Wesley, but I don’t walk away from my marriage just because things are stressful. If that was the case, no one would be married.”

  “You’re right about that,” I said.

  Clara brought her hands together to a clap. “Now that my work here is done, I must go home and cook dinner for the family. It’s looking like a hamburger helper type of night,” she said, grinning.

  I smiled too, walked with her to the front door and after giving her a hug, she left.

  I watched her drive away then closed the door, pressing my back against it, still feeling sick.

  Chapter 2

  Andre

  . ~ .

  ANDRE SAT MOTIONLESS, brooding behind his desk, reclined in a leather office chair, staring blankly at his laptop screen. The argument he had with Ava a week ago left him torn. Why’d he let her go so easily? Was that an admission that he thought she was right? That by loving her, he was unduly punishing himself into a life of misery that would ultimately end in utter disappointment, sadness and tears upon her untimely death?

  He did worry excessively about her. But what man doesn’t worry about the woman he loves? About his child? About their future? Was their relationship any different because she had a diagnosed heart condition?

  Why did I let her leave?

  The night of their fight, he’d come home from work excited about a possible new client, Flashtec Systems, and wanted to take Ava out to dinner to celebrate. Howe
ver, Ava wasn’t in a celebratory mood. She was despondent and feeling pity for herself, asking herself why she had to be in this predicament and what she did to deserve failing health.

  Andre should’ve grown accustomed to her negative outlook on life, on their lives together, but this time, he’d had it. Things had escalated before he even knew what he was saying and with his temper flaring, he agreed that she should take some time, figure out what she wanted in hopes that she’d come to the conclusion that he is what she wanted. A week later, he wasn’t so sure if she was what he wanted.

  He grimaced at this realization. Could he go back to being single and living without her, while sharing the one thing that bonded them forever – their son?

  He sighed with a heavy chest and heart, and without thinking about it, he dialed Todd’s number. He had to talk through this with someone and his best friend, Todd, was married. Who better to seek advice from than someone who was married? Who was probably going through, or had been through, the same things you were?

  “Yo, what’s good, Dre?” Todd answered.

  “Man...I’m dying over here, Todd.”

  “What’s up, bruh?”

  “Ah...” Andre sighed, then shook his head wordlessly. “Ava left.”

  “What!” Todd yelled into the phone.

  “She left, Todd. It’s sort of my fault, too, but either way it goes, she’s not here.”

  “Wha...why? What happened?”

  “She’s on this poor me crusade every time I turn around, and this particular time, I just lost it. I get so tired of trying to prove my love for her when she’s relentlessly set on being negative about her life and her health.”

  “Wait, wait, wait...what do you mean?”

  Andre put the call on speakerphone, then set it on his desk in front of him, rubbing his tired eyes. He wasn’t sleeping well. Honestly, he wasn’t resting when Ava was home because he was concerned about her health to the point that he’d stay up at night, to watch her sleep. With their relationship in shambles now, and her being in another state, he was too worried to sleep.

  “Some days she’s fine and our life is beautiful, ideal and I feel like the luckiest man on earth,” Andre admitted. “Then other days she’s in bed all day, crying or just so calloused she doesn’t want to talk to me. She’s mad at the world that she’s sick and she treats me like there must be something wrong with me because I actually love her.”

  “Wow,” Todd said, his voice sounding muffled and echoed by the speakerphone.

  “You know what she told me?”

  “What’s that?”

  “She said that I was in denial...that any man in his right mind wouldn’t intentionally love a dying woman. And you know me, man...I’m usually pretty levelheaded but she just wouldn’t let this go. After working all day, all I want is to come home to a loving wife and my son...spend time with them, but she was on this rant about how unfair her life is and how I deserve better, and now I’m thinking that maybe...” Andre paused, his eyes glossed over, not believing what he was about to say. “Maybe she’s right. What if marrying her is just as much of a mistake it was when I’d proposed to Michelle.”

  “Nah,” Todd said. “I was at the wedding. I saw the sparks flying between you and Ava. Everyone saw it...felt it.”

  “Then if there’s so much love between us, why is she in North Carolina and I’m in Florida?”

  “She’s in North Carolina?”

  “Yeah. She packed her bags and flew to Charlotte a week ago. She took Andrew with her.”

  “And you just let her leave like that?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t want to, but I did. That’s what she wanted, and I was honestly at the end of my rope with her self-pity. You should’ve seen how angry she was, man. She was yelling, crying, throwing clothes and once again, I tried, I really tried to console her and she literally pushed me away.”

  “Okay, now I know you’re exaggerating. Ava makes you look like a giant and you’re telling me she actually pushed you?”

  “Yeah. That’s how angry she was...now I’m sitting here wondering why I get punished for loving my wife so much.”

  “Dre...man, I—”

  “Is it possible that I love her too much? Can that happen?”

  “I don’t think it’s possible to love someone too much.”

  “Be honest, Todd. Let’s say Sasha was sick. Would you try your best to love her harder than you would if she wasn’t sick...if she was in perfect health?”

  “I would just love her.”

  “Then maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong. I’m trying too hard, but either way it goes, you would think Ava would be appreciative of how I bend over backwards for her.”

  “I hate to say this man, but a little space between you two might not be a bad thing. If that’s what it’ll take for her to understand you, then give it to her. But don’t let too much time pass without talking to her.”

  “I talk to her every night. She’s just very short. I say a few words to her, she lets me say goodnight to Andrew and that’s about it.” Andre leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, rubbing his tired neck. He was stressed and tense, not looking forward to going home to an empty house – not seeing Ava or Andrew. He missed them. He needed them. What was the point of having this successful life without his family to share it with?

  In the early days, when Rockwell Computer Components was just getting off the ground, he didn’t date much. The company required too much of his time and hadn’t allowed him to get serious with anyone. After the company’s fifth year, he was a little more relaxed and had started dating again. He’d courted some beautiful, successful women who were also entrepreneurs and he’d also dated some ordinary women.

  Never had he dated a woman like Ava. She was a gem, truly one of a kind. Her health condition aside, she was the perfect mate for him. But as in business, there comes a time when hard decisions had to be made. If Ava couldn’t accept him, then he would have to let her go. Even when his heart, his mind and everything within his body told him that she was the woman for him, he couldn’t allow her negative outlook on her own life, and their marriage to ruin him. It was one of those “if your right hand makes your stumble” type situations. However, he’d rather die than cut her out of his life.

  Chapter 3

  Ava

  . ~ .

  RAIN – SOMETHING ABOUT it brings purity to the earth, a way of washing away the old, bringing on the new and preparing the world for brighter days. However, as I lie in the center of the bed, entangled in beige covers on this chilly, April night, I see no light at the end of the tunnel. My glass is always half empty.

  My pessimistic attitude started when I was a teenager – when I fully understood what the doctors meant when they put an expiration date on my life. Something changed in me – something that I wish I could flip a switch and turn off or hit the reset button, go back to that time and see the bright side of the situation. I would change my attitude and be one of those people who saw the good in everything. Like the type of person who could spill coffee on a new shirt and reason that the shirt wasn’t meant for them and they’d just buy a replacement. I couldn’t be one of those people who, no matter what’s going on in their lives, they always maintained a certain level of appreciation for what they had. What do I have to appreciate? Being sick?

  I remember times in my teens when the few friends I did have would invite me to their homes, to the mall, to a movie and I always turned them down. While they were busy talking about boys, shopping for cute school clothes and spending exorbitant amounts of time planning for prom, my childhood was ruined. I neglected to do a lot of things my peers did because I had absolutely no motivation to enjoy my youth.

  For one, I didn’t have a boyfriend. Boys didn’t pay much attention to a girl like me and I could care less. I didn’t want the attention. That’s why I made no efforts to fix my hair, wear makeup or dress nice. My entire wardrobe was jeans and plain T-shirts in varying colors. I didn’t giggle when
cute boys walked by, or make any attempts at eye contact or flirting. I didn’t want to be bothered.

  That attitude spilled over into my school work. I was an ‘A-B’ honor roll student when I thought I was “normal”. However, when I found out my fate, my grades took a nose dive and for the first time in my school life, I was a ‘D’ student. I no longer had the drive other students had to strive for perfect scores so I could land a college acceptance letter. Besides, I wasn’t supposed to live long enough to finish college, so why waste time trying to get there?

  Marriage definitely wasn’t in my plans. I was a lost cause – invisible to men and I knew I’d die a virgin with my mom by my side. I lacked motivation to do anything. I didn’t keep myself up. I didn’t do so called girly things – like shave my arms and legs, wear makeup, spend unreasonable amounts of time conditioning and styling my hair, choosing my clothes carefully, painting my nails and getting pedicures. I was just existing, waiting to die. Dying alone is what I wanted. Why did I deserve love when I wouldn’t live a full life? How would that be fair to the poor soul who would fall in love with me? That’s why, when I went to Nassau to experience things, I had no intentions on falling in love and getting married.

  So why did I chose Andre?

  He asked me out. In my entire life, he was the only man to notice and strike up a conversation with me. I was baffled when he approached me, looking extremely handsome and rugged, wearing nothing but navy blue swim shorts and a bright smile. I remembered the shades he wore, how the sun glistened on his light skin, how his abs were toned and how the sexy bit of chest hair made him so incredibly male. And he was much taller than me – so polite and charming – too good to be true.

  I thought his asking me out was just a vacation impulse, like trying some crazy food for the first time just because you know you’re on vacation, and you want to experience new things, make memories and do something different just to say that you’ve done them. When I’d gotten to know him, I realized that nothing about our meeting together was an impulse. It was a deep connection we shared, a connection that neither of us saw coming.