Unbreakable: A Navy SEAL’s Way of Life

by Thom Shea

  After twenty-four doors, I felt as if I was in a gym squatting 2,000 total pounds, but when the door lifted on that twenty-fifth door and my laser scanned inside, I saw a child’s face looking out at me. Texas and I immediately moved on him, and once he and the room were secure, I called the ODA over and said, “No one inside. Right. You are now the prisoner handler until target is secure.”

  With the first section complete, I took the time to check in with my SEALs who were out to my right, supposedly 100 yards or so. Once I checked in with them on the radio, I said, “Turn on your strobe. I can’t see you.” After a bit of moving around to the back side of the building, (yes, into uncleared space), I found them in a grove about fifty yards ahead of us and to the right. I slowly attempted to retrace my exact steps, and once back to my men, I told them exactly where they were. Texas replied, “Thank God we aren’t in a firefight, because without strobes on, they look like the enemy.” I wrote that in my mental notes … keep us together; keep it simple.

  Here is where the plan began to break down. The canal was too wide and deep, and the bridge looked rather mined to me. So we called up the dogs and EOD and let them handle it. While we waited, the three of us (SEALs) took the delay to share some thoughts and jokes and redistribute some shotgun rounds back to Texas. As we watched the EOD gents kneel down, we passed around a can of Copenhagen and Mister All Around said, “I am swimming across. To hell with those mines.” With that, the ODA walked the bridge, and the SEALs jumped into the canal and waded across.

  At the top of the village, we found another minefield and decided that was as far as we were going to push this combined assault. We put our own explosives on the minefield in order to deny the Taliban their mines. Cascading back through the target, everyone attempted to go back the exact route they had come. When Mister All Around and I got back to the other side of the canal, we looked back up the alleyway everyone had gone down. I could see two of my men, Ground Launch and Carnie, on rear security. Everything seemed to be going well. In a split second, everything changed. I saw two Afghani troops working with us walking next to each other down the alley, then the bright light of an explosion. The ensuing dust cloud enveloped my men and the commandos. Silence.

  After a bit, Ground Launch broke the radio silence with, “Hey, I am going to need a medic over here.” My heart sank; could it be Carnie? Fuck. I grabbed Mister All Around to keep him from running into that minefield, and I called for some EOD and dog handlers to take point. When we finally got up to Ground Launch, he was kneeling over two of the commandos, trying to stop the bleeding. All four legs had been blown off. I scanned for Carnie and saw him kneeling over with his night vision off. Walking to him, I saw blood on his face in the outline of his night vision goggles. Apparently, the bone fragments had embedded into his face and missed his eyes completely.

  I walked over and put my hand on his shoulder. He stood up and said, “No more integrating with the ODA, please.” I replied with, “Got it.” As several of the medics began to work on saving the lives of the commandos, we all moved toward a security mode while we waited for the medevac helo to arrive. My men filtered toward Carnie in order to see him and ensure he knew they were there. Demonstrating your commitment to your buddies makes all the difference, and when I saw them do this, I had the sense we would be OK. That IED sealed our commitment to each other and ensured we would never make the mistake again of decreasing our capability. We were connected, committed, and angry.

  The helo ride back and the debrief were uneventful. We separated, and some of us went to breakfast; Carnie went to bed. We all left him alone because we knew the reality of being that close to an explosion needs some time to wear off. Sleep tends to solve a myriad of life’s problems, and I knew he needed time to work through that problem. I did, however, poke my head into his room that night and said I was there for him in case he needed me. I told him to call home; hearing his wife’s voice would help.

  With the conclusion of our first operation, we had time to meet all the key players on base who would have a role in our successes throughout the next six months. Many of Bravo platoon took their own private tours of the base, finding things no one else would find. Finally, I was invited to a platoon outing at a coffee shop hidden somewhere on base. I will be honest: it reminded me of where I met Stacy in Starbucks. The coffee shop became our after combat mission place to remind us all of better times.

  Only after things calmed down with Carnie and LT, and I discussed what we would do differently from here on out, did I finally call home. I recall being rather nervous because I couldn’t hide things from Stacy. She knew me well enough to get, from my voice only, what I was going through and facing. I am glad for that. I think hiding from your spouse or keeping anything from them is the worst. So, as I dialed the numbers needed to bypass the foreign codes and country codes, I took a deep breath and waited. After five rings, Stacy picked up and excitedly said, “Hello. This is Stacy.” I swallowed and replied, “Hi, baby. We are back. Sorry I didn’t call earlier.” BIG PAUSE. Finally, Stacy said, “Something went wrong, I assume.” I said, “We are all alive, but two partners got their legs blown off.” BIGGER PAUSE. “Thom, remember what I said. I need you to come back to us. Do not fear dying. It makes you weak.” I replied, “Yes, Honey: I remember.” Stacy finally said, “I want you to do something for me, please?” I was shocked at her immediately aggressive tone. So I tried to divert the conversation by asking how the kids were. She snapped, “Don’t worry about the kids. I got them. Thom, I want you to kill as many Taliban as you can. Do you understand what I am asking? I want you to promise me that is the only thing on your mind until you come home. Don’t worry about us; we are doing fine. Please say it out loud to me, right now.” I obliged. “Stacy, I promise to kill as many Taliban as I can,” I said. Oh, how a woman can set an Unbreakable Internal Dialogue in a man!

  With that, Stacy said, “Call us back tomorrow, when the kids are awake. I have to go now,” and hung up. As I moved away, I knew Stacy was sitting in bed crying, but I got her point. She would not tolerate me calling with fear or misgivings in my voice. I do like the way she negotiates.

  ADAMANTINE LESSON FOUR

  Creating Love

  JOSÉ ORTEGA Y GASSET

  “Love … is eternally unsatisfied. Desire has a passive character; when I desire something, what I actually desire is that the object come to me. Being the center of gravity, I await things to fall down before me. Love, as we shall see, is the exact reverse of desire, for Love is all activity … It does not gravitate toward me, but I toward it.”

  My daughter Autumn—I have some time and wanted to tell you how important it will be for you to be a great mom, when it is time, and a great wife, as you develop into a woman. This will be the fourth task I ask of you. After that mission the other night, realizing life hangs on a thread here, I feel this is rather urgent.

  Again, I will share with you my own successes and failures with relationships and women. Hopefully, your mom will fill in the gaps I may leave out. As you grow up, please lean on her when “woman development” situations arise.

  Let me begin by saying, the woman makes the man. Many people you meet throughout your life will lead you away from that fact, suggesting either subservience to a man, or doing your own thing as a woman. The latter is the going trend, which leads to the term, “a catholic marriage,” where each person leads separate lives yet are married on paper. Both suggestions are not worth the effort, and both lack in the knowledge and practice of using your own Internal Dialogue to create a connecting dynamic for your family, your husband, and for yourself.

  Use everything you have been given to create a connection fundamentally rooted in one unique conversation: need to be needed as a way of life. You literally have to have your own Internal Dialogue to say, “I need him, he needs me, my family needs me, and I need them.” Any other Internal Dialogue will lead to smallness in your own achievements, your husband’s achievements, and your children’s develop
ment. You will all be less. And, Autumn, it is all in you and no other person.

  Stacy had a well-established, successful career in the investment business. She was living in Pennsylvania. I was living in San Diego, working as a SEAL instructor. I guess that is not something you see or read about every day, and it certainly doesn’t always lead to successful marriages, hence the 70 percent divorce rate in the SEAL community. Even Stacy’s development as a woman, a wife, and a future mom up to that point wouldn’t, to the outside observer, lead anyone to say, “That is why Thom and Stacy got it going on.” We were both recently divorced. You could even say neither of us looked like a good investment to anyone with regard to family and marriage.

  I was living in a two-bedroom condo, sharing time with my kids, while my ex lived six miles away. Stacy was living with her mother due to her mom fighting cancer, and they were helping each other recover.

  I was trying to fill the void my divorce created by racing professionally on the adventure racing circuit. Most of my time, when I wasn’t at work or with my kids, was spent in the back country … running, hiking, mountain biking, or paddling. Every month, I would pack my car and unite with my team to compete in forty-eight-hour non-stop multisport races, and sometimes, even ten-day races. I think I found intimacy and connection both with myself and others at the level that had been lost in the divorce. My own Internal Dialogue said I needed to race to be whole, and the team needed me. Most successful people find a way to be needed, yet never recognize the importance of the voice saying, “need.”

  On the morning I met Stacy, nothing truly significant was going on with me, or her for that matter. She had flown to San Diego for a business conference and had stopped in at Starbucks. By chance, I was in line directly behind her.

  I only vaguely recall noticing her—just another smoking-hot chick dressed to the nines. What caught my attention was the drink she ordered … a black coffee with four shots of espresso. I chuckled and remarked out loud, “You are gonna get hair on your back if you drink that. You know that, right?”

  She turned and frowned at me, then said, “Does that line ever work for you?” I replied, “Not a line at all. Just a disgusting drink.” Stacy looked at me and said, “Sorry; it didn’t work,” then paid and moved away. I ordered the usual … a perfect seasonal café mocha with peppermint.

  As we wandered about waiting for our drinks, I introduced myself. After a bit of chit chat and, if I recall correctly, a little suggestive eye contact, we exchanged phone numbers.

  I am sure other men and women have better and even more erotic stories of first encounters than ours, but rarely do they lead to marriage, children, and any profound sense of connection. The unique factor separating us from the hoard of mundane was, and still is, the state of mind we both had regarding marriage and life.

  The one unique thing about us at that moment in time—and I say that moment in time because it was not always that way for either of us—was who we were in relationships. Maybe the old saying that a life of excesses and failures leads to wisdom may actually hold merit.

  For me, I wanted to date and marry God. I knew I needed a woman who needed me. I didn’t want something less. To that end, I was faced with a dilemma. My Internal Dialogue didn’t give me access to a great woman, and my lifestyle didn’t either. What woman—what God—would even date a Navy SEAL, divorced with two kids, who races in 700-mile multisport races? For that matter, what stripper would even date one with that track record? I am sharing this because, although I knew I needed a woman who needed me, my Internal Dialogue said women are evil and bring you down. I had enough evidence around me to validate that. You must first learn that Internal Dialogue can create, or it can go with the trend. Practice creating your own Internal Dialogue, designed by you, versus letting the world tell you who you are and then following the sheep off the cliff.

  The one thing we discovered after actually reconnecting by phone and Internet weeks later was the similarity in our points of view. I had never met a woman who so openly embraced and expressed a desire to be a mom, while supporting a physical and naturally violent man. The connection was electric. Not hiding part of me in order to have love and connection felt good. She gave me space to be me, and, in turn, she got space to be Stacy. So, we both created a new Internal Dialogue, saying simply, “I need you.” Our new Internal Dialogue gave us tons of room to have a relationship.

  I think most people, when searching for God, do not realize He has faults. And, let’s just say the search for God in relationships isn’t viewed as a matter of service. Service is truly the state of mind that works in relationships … it is all about them.

  Service is about treating the other person as if they were God. In point of fact, however, God has faults, and what most people do with those faults is deal with them instead of giving a ton of space to those faults. I noticed Stacy and I gave each other’s faults tons of space. In effect, we didn’t deal with or try to reason with the faults. Instead, we dealt with each other as if the other were God. We dealt only with what we were creating the other person to be.

  That mindset, and consequently, those actions of giving space to the bad things and dealing only with the greatness, allowed even more greatness to come out in the other person. Stacy got access to being a great woman, a great mom, and a stunning wife by me not dealing with her oh, shits and bad ways. In effect, the things causing her to fail in other relationships most certainly came up during our courtship and marriage, but I gave them space and dealt with the greatness in her.

  Stacy, in turn, gave tons of space to my failings, my indiscretions—my smelly feet, as it were—and dealt with what made me powerful. She fully embraced and supported me as a violent warrior. I bring that up because current society and politically minded people never talk about it. The Spartan Wife is a cliché or even a bad word. The current trend is to equate the phrase Spartan Wife with the N-word for black people. I hold Stacy, my Spartan Wife, equal to God, and am not ashamed of it. Don’t you ever be ashamed of it, either.

  In turn, all the space given to fail, to make mistakes, caused many to go away or even die. I know this is truly counterintuitive. Giving space to the bad and dealing with the good springs from the grace of an Internal Dialogue of need to be needed. Dealing only with the things in others that make them powerful, while giving space to their weaknesses, literally reshapes the other person. Changing the other person never occurs to you. Dealing with greatness signals to the other person they are great, so why not be great?

  How does this work in reality? I know words on paper are fun to read and make sense, but in the back of your mind, you may not see a way to make it work. That’s why, in my opinion, self-help books don’t resoundingly make a difference to anyone. Love thy neighbor as thyself gets lost because you try it, and the neighbor shits on you, then you deal with the shit and give space to others’ greatness. You spend every waking minute dealing with shit from others, and you move away from them. Instead, what works is the opposite. The neighbor shits on you, and you give it space. Acknowledge the shit, then give it space. Deal with what is powerful. For instance, Stacy had to give space to my going to war and being alone with two children who were not hers to begin with. She then dealt with me being aggressive and violent, and embraced and promoted those traits. She dealt with being a mom to our kids and embraced it full throttle.

  Need to be needed works in combat as a rallying point—even for the hardest of men in the worst conditions. Men who survive when others fail have a need to be needed. The need to be needed by a woman is paramount for the development of a man … any man, really. Also, the need to be needed works between men in combat. We need each other, not just for combat, but also for the connection to each other. Embracing this understanding does not make a man soft. This is actually what sets successful men apart from failures. History is rife with accounts of successful men having a strong woman; it’s equally rife with failures having no woman to need. I can’t think of one single man who doesn
’t have a woman behind his successes. That doesn’t mean in any way that woman was his wife, but behind every great man is a woman.

  Autumn, I suspect you will be the same. You will make your man. I don’t have to be around for that to be true. You will find intimate moments of connection … times when your man is alone, yet he can feel you near him. Your nearness will make him powerful and successful far and above what he would be without you. I suggest his endurance in business comes from the need to be needed you will provide him.

  I don’t think buildings would be built if men were alone. Hell, why even make a fortune if you have no one to share it with or do it for? I know I wouldn’t achieve anything difficult if not for Stacy, who fosters and embodies that need in me.

  So my fourth task for you is this: find, discover, and create an Internal Dialogue with a man that says, powerfully, “I need him, and he needs me.” I know this will take a great deal of time, and yes, mistakes will be made. Men will not know what to do with you. I suggest they will ask less of you or push you toward subservient crap. Be patient, strong, and never settle. Hone and reshape your own Internal Dialogue, and do your best to push away those who would lessen you as a woman. Don’t fall prey to sex as the only way to connect. And trust me, that will be a hard feat in itself. Oh, don’t confuse love and lust with the power of how your own Internal Dialogue will connect all things. Look to Stacy as a guide.