Unbreakable: A Navy SEAL’s Way of Life

by Thom Shea

  “Jesus, what should I say; what would make any difference? You are there: what do I need to say or do?” I asked, knowing the answer would not be so easy.

  Stacy replied simply, “I don’t know. You are her father. Just talk to her.”

  “OK, put her on,” I replied, knowing this was gonna be tough.

  “Hi, Daddy—I miss you. Ms. Stacy said you aren’t going to come home until November. You are going to miss my birthday party again. You are never here for my birthday.” Autumn’s first words were already tough.

  “Oh, Sissy, I think about you every day. I can never make up for all the time I have been away from you. I am so sorry. How is summer going for you?” I asked, knowing my question was stupid. Autumn wanted me to come home, not ask about what she was doing.

  I added, “Do you have anything you would like to say to me? I know you are sad; I am, too.”

  During the long pause that followed, I felt like I was going into battle. Time was slowing down, and I had an ever-present buzz. I looked around the room and saw other men, like me, talking uncomfortably to someone on the other end of the line. My someone desperately wanted her daddy home, and I couldn’t give my daughter what she needed.

  “Daddy, Mom says you don’t love her anymore,” Autumn said.

  Damn, I never saw that one coming. I had been divorced from her mother for five years, and we had never talked about the divorce in any direct conversation.

  I replied, “No, Sissy, I don’t love your mother. I do love Stacy, and she loves me, and she loves you, too. That is the way of things now.” God, that sounded so fucking dim to say, but I couldn’t find words other than points of fact. I leaned back in my chair saying to myself, Boy, don’t ever be a politician. You can’t twist the truth to save your life.

  I continued, “Honey, daddy loves you every minute of every day. That is the truth. I am sorry I have been gone. This is my last deployment. When I get home, I am home for good.” I didn’t know that for sure. Part of me even felt like I was not going to survive this deployment, but saying so definitely wouldn’t help: “Sissy, daddy may not survive this, so stop crying and put Stacy on.” Yeah—that wouldn’t work so well.

  As I pondered what to say and what not to say, I could hear Autumn crying. I heard her call for Stacy, and without saying bye, she was gone.

  Stacy said, “Oh, Thom, I know that must suck!”

  I blew out a breath. “Wow! Oh, how a small girl can suck all the life out of you!”

  “Just leave it. You can’t make her feel better other than you surviving and coming back to us. You have to let this go, and get back to killing as many enemy as you have to, OK?” Stacy reminded me.

  “I know honey. I know,” I replied.

  Stacy continued, “Remember what I said? ‘Thom, I need you to come back to us. Do not fear dying. It makes you weak.’ The men need you. I can handle this until you get back. So get back to killing. It is what you do. I love you always.” Then she simply hung up. At least she didn’t mince words.

  When I hung up the telephone, the time warp stopped, and I noticed my shirt had sweat on it. Calling home and talking to your kids is like a work out! Some day, I am guessing when the kids are adults, they will reread this, and get it. I don’t get it now, but with time, maybe we can both work through the emotions.

  Lunch was truly tasteless after the phone call. Even the Dr. Pepper tasted flat. Walking from the air-conditioned space into the oppressive heat seemed the most normal sensation of the day thus far. Maybe going to the range to shoot my rifles would ease the weirdness.

  I grabbed a couple of my men, and we loaded our weapons and headed to the range. I think maybe everyone was feeling the tension of the mid-deployment mark or the fact that every single time we headed out, we were in serious gun battles fighting for our lives. Maybe we just liked doing this more than dealing with family. In the end, I think it is a measure of both, mixed with a desire to fight.

  Stacy Shea

  Children, I am writing these thoughts down for you because the last time we talked to your dad, I noticed the sadness from not connecting with you, Autumn, and noted the tension he was feeling from three months of serious combat. His extensive sharing with us of what he is doing and what he is going through, personally and with his men, makes me further worry something big and dangerous is on Bravo platoon’s horizon. I am worried we may have caused him to be more concerned with us back home than with his men and his mission.

  He so loves you, Autumn. I know your dad has missed many birthdays and special events in your life and how you can think he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to be here. Even when you ask him why, he seems to lash out and make the condition worse. He is physically and mentally a tough man, so he often attacks your tender requests with anger and hardness. Forgive him so he can find his own peace over there.

  I am at my wit’s end. We may have said the wrong thing to daddy. My team-guy wives’ group seems to be worried about other things, so I think I am going to follow Thom’s lead and reach out to Jerry and Tammy. We need help, and I am praying they may have experienced something like this in their lives so they may help us.

  I phoned Tammy. “Tammy, this is Stacy. Thom called yesterday and talked with Autumn, and she and he had a bit of a fight. He is so sensitive to Autumn’s feelings and wants so much to love her and be loved, and the conversation did not end up with a ton of love. I feel his whole platoon is on edge, and something big is coming up.”

  Tammy offered, “Stacy, you are a great wife to think about him in this way and not make him wrong for being a SEAL or wrong for wanting to be a loving dad to your kids, though he often says hurtful things. Men are a strange breed. Men who are aggressive and used to being around other SEALs have a hard time being soft, I gather.

  “Jerry and I talk every night about what you may be going through and if we can actually say or do anything to help you. I will offer a story that may help. Jerry has four adult children from different wives. I have a daughter, who is not Jerry’s. I can tell you each child affects Jerry in different ways. He comes to me often to cry and let out his anger and sadness that he wasn’t a good enough father to them.

  “So, what I am offering is my solution. Men like Jerry, who are high achievers, who are always looking to make something new and to build a new business, need one thing more than all others. So few women get this point. Men who risk everything all the time need a good woman. It is rooted in their DNA. These men have 10,000 years of evolution leading them to having to have a woman to fall back on. Intimacy, sexual connection, and a woman’s openness to him will always lead him to be stronger and more available.

  “This open and willing sexual intimacy Jerry and I share makes him healthy, strong, happy, and, ultimately, allows him to actually let go of all his mistakes so he can live in the moment he is facing. I know I didn’t make this available to my first husband, and he dwindled from the lack, so we all suffered from my not knowing who I needed to be and how I needed to connect with him.

  “With Jerry, I immediately know I need to offer and be available for sexual intimacy when he is going off the reservation, so to speak. It is not a submissive offering; it is a power offering.”

  I brightened some. “I totally agree. Thom is exactly the same. I learned that even before we got married. I felt like all he wanted was sex, until I realized he needed that intimate contact because of the tons of stress he was feeling. When I would listen to those stresses and issues, I realized he really struggles with not being a good dad and not being around for his family enough. Once we had intimacy, he would actually be a better dad at home, and perform better at work.”

  Tammy replied, “Stacy, what he needs now is that same thing. I am sure the distance makes that rather difficult, doesn’t it? Even for you.

  “Think about how men have had to evolve over millions of years. Hunting and fighting off rivals who want his woman. Consider how he had to endure the constant fear of not protecting his family from all the
conditions. His body evolved to be stronger, bigger; his mind evolved to be aggressive and hardened to the terrible conditions he faced. I suggest evolution is still present and still going on.

  “Women evolved parallel to men, I think. They were always partners in the family, food, and stress, but women did not need the physical and mental evolution men did. She evolved to balance the man, not submit to him, like most women think.

  “Neither a woman nor a man can be very effective without the partner of the opposite sex. Each needs the other to perform. They need to be needed, and have to be 100 percent involved with every aspect of each other’s lives. Even the slightest separation causes catastrophic performance degradation for both.”

  I replied, “That is so true. Maybe I needed to hear that from someone else. Thank you so much. We are going to make a family video and send it to Thom so he can see and hear us and know we are loving and needing him. We’ll have to think on how to create sexual intimacy to span 3,000 miles, though. That is risky!”

  “Well, I am telling you one thing: his performance is limited only to the level of intimacy he gets from you,” Tammy replied in conclusion.

  “Stacy, I am sorry for the crap the other day with Autumn. All is back to normal now. We are planning another mission into an area with some angry men who need some love from us.” I am laughing as I write this. We just watched a predator feed, and saw fifty enemy fighters doing military training and such. They are deep in the mountains, so they surely feel safe.

  We are getting our tactics on and waiting for helos to be retasked to support our mission, which could take a week because of some previously planned stuff not involving us. I felt bad because last night, we had another funeral for three marines who died. I wish we had been there to help. We all regret not even being asked to support this Marine mission.

  I am back in my routine of working out, sleeping, eating, shooting, and planning. I like this rhythm—it’s nice. Often the mere fact of having something to focus on, something to endure other than the impending doom of hell, makes time go by faster. Anyone who has not chosen a life of constant endurance may think that makes no sense.

  Over the next several days, all of our effort is going toward practicing and rehearsing, and finally, readying our minds for this operation. Every bit of information about this operation is showing me the entire area is swarming with enemy. Yesterday, we spent three hours searching for a place without enemy to land the helos. Gonna be a really long night and a really long hike through the mountains. Those, too, look to be more rugged than anything we have seen up until now. Our route through the mountain passes and steep cliffs is going to be like threading a needle.

  As a result, we have all been working out a bit harder and longer. I even put on all my gear with the intent of lightening the load on my feet and legs, and discovered I needed every single item. After weighing my body fully loaded, I snorted out loud … 305 pounds! An additional ninety pounds of shit. So much for being light and maneuverable.

  It is 0400 hour, and Stacy should be on the Internet soon. I cannot wait to see and talk with her, and see the new Victoria’s Secret stuff she bought. Last night, we went to the coffee shop and there was a pretty British woman who was shaped just like Stacy. Made me really long for just five minutes with my wife.

  I sent Stacy the Yahoo! chat dialogue between Jerry and me earlier that night:

  Thom: “Jerry, thank you for being available for a real-time discussion with me.”

  Jerry: “Well, young man, I cannot think of anything more important for an old man, who holds the liberty and grace of the United States to be the single greatest thing mankind can preserve, to do right now than support a Navy SEAL in combat. You are doing something over there. Every citizen should do everything they can to support you.”

  Thom: “That being said, I will get to the point, because we are often cut off of the Internet without notice. We are at the halfway point of this deployment. I have very little left I can teach these men; they are running on their own accord in order to survive and to take the fight to the enemy. So my first question is simple: what have you learned in business that may aid us here during the halfway point? Have you encountered any pitfalls, or anything great leaders or great business ventures do when faced with this mental and physical stage?”

  Jerry: “Very few people would ask that question. In the business world, several points are critical and few businesses see the middle being anything more than a place to count their profit or losses. I can tell you of a story I read as a young man, clearly showing how the middle of a big adventure is the most critical time.

  “When Shakleton led his valiant journey, he and his men found themselves in the middle of their journey with no food and half a continent still to traverse. He did something which stuck with me like no other sign of great leadership. He told the men a simple thing. He told them they were going to make it, and they were going to all stick together.

  “I did not think much of this when I read it other than thinking, ‘Well, yeah, who wouldn’t say that to encourage his men during desperate times.’ But, later, as an adult businessman, I faced an interesting challenge mid-cycle in a particular business venture. We were losing money, and the employees were not happy. I was not happy, and I could not find any reason to say the simple statement: they were going to make it, and they were going to all stick together.

  “In my mind, I thought a bloodletting would be required to fire the lazy, disgruntled employees, and I would have to take a big loss of investments. I could not say that simple statement out loud.

  “Thom, say that simple statement right now to your men. Don’t look for evidence to prove you will all make it. Just say it to your men, knowing you all are bred to react to the words of your leaders and make those words come true. Say it to yourself 1,000 times before you say it to your men. Make it ingrained in your brain.”

  Thom: “Jerry, I did read Shackleton’s voyage and don’t recall that. However, what they did was, and still is, impossible. No human can endure those conditions.”

  Jerry: “Thom, if you recall, he actually went back to get his men, without licking his wounds. He went back because he WAS a man of his word. You have to BE a man of your word. You have said to me that Internal Dialogue runs the show of human performance. So let me ask you, what Internal Dialogue are you using?”

  Thom: “Damn, that is a good point. Shit or get off the pot is what you are offering.”

  Jerry: “No, to the contrary. Don’t get off the pot at all. Get on the pot, and get everyone else on the pot. Tell them they are on the pot. Remind them of who they are and what they are doing. Make sure you are also fully in and not looking for a way out. Son, I want to tell you something. Never look for a way out. Always look for every way possible to get back in the game, whatever the game is.

  “You asked me the question, and that is my answer. Do it and don’t wait.”

  Thom: “Well, I agree with you. I am in. Thank you for the honest dialogue. And by the way, I want to meet you and shake your hand. Would you honor me someday by fulfilling that request?”

  Jerry: “Thom, Tammy and I love you for what you are doing. Stacy and your kids love you—never forget it.”

  Thom: “Thanks for that. Let’s keep this conversation going in two days. Will you be available same time in two days?”

  Jerry: “Thom, I am in all the way, so yes. Same time; same place.”

  A note from Stacy, Tammy, and Jerry:

  Children, your father missed his scheduled appointment with Jerry for yesterday. He has also not communicated with us for three days. He and I were going to talk the same day he had reached out to Jerry, but we never connected at all. I have been worried. I try not to show it with you three, but when Tammy contacted me that they, too, were worried, I completely broke down.

  I want to share here what we were writing with your dad. Jerry even suggested I should convey this message as it may be the last time we will hear from your daddy. I am cryi
ng terribly even as I write this.

  We three want to write down our special notes to you three, because this is so real and so vivid for us now regarding your daddy. Thom wanted to be able to tell you about his life and his love for you three, and we want to tell you about how he impacted us all.

  Stacy’s note:

  Autumn, your daddy loves you dearly. He and I talk often about how great a young girl you are and how powerful a woman is to the world. I know that may not capture your understanding as a young girl, but later, as a woman, re-read this book and try to see the wisdom in his words.

  He has spent every day I have been with him grappling with understanding how and why humans perform. This book has been an attempt to write down for you and your brothers exactly what he has learned, and why it is important. He has challenged you three with discovering those things for yourself through the challenges. He is a teacher, a doer, and leader in his core, and I am sad you may not have gotten to know this and be with him like I have and his men have.

  The one profound thing I want you to get from this book is a sense of how to listen to your own Internal Dialogue and how to shape it to make your life generous and moving, like your father has. I have listened to some great men fail miserably while trying to teach salespeople to perform, but I had never seen salespeople immediately perform better than when your dad taught my sales force how to listen and use Internal Dialogue to increase their sales.

  Garrett, you are your father’s most painful experience. He always feels like he let you down when you needed him most after he divorced your mother. You may not know this, but two weeks after you were born, he left on a deployment to Kosovo, and your mother had more than a difficult time being alone with two kids. He hasn’t forgiven himself, nor has he found his own Internal Dialogue to shape a new conversation that doesn’t make him feel terrible about not being around for you.