Doing The Apocalypse Shuffle: Southern Prepper Adventure Fiction of Survival Grid Down (Old Preppers Die Hard Book 2)

by Ron Foster

  “You ain`t right boy!” Farley said chuckling.

  “Now you got me to thinking, Dump, how much of a batch of shine do you think that old man can brew anyway? What I’m asking is does he have one of them big two hundred fifty gallon tanks or is he a small distiller?” Farley questioned as Dump was busy second guessing himself if he actually needed or wanted another beer before going on their mission.

  “Hell, he’s got a three hundred fifty gallon thump still that I know about. Now I’m pretty sure if he had enough mash around to do a run he would be cooking. But finding sugar and corn or barley these days would probably be monumental. You want to go in the liquor business, Farley?” Dump asked.

  “No, I was thinking more on the line of mixing it with gasoline if Furley has the skill to get that high a proof of alcohol consistently.” Farley stated.

  “Oh he’s consistent, you better mix that shit fifty-fifty with water if you got any sense. In my opinion, he makes that stuff like the comic strip Lil’ Abner where they make the ol’ pickle juice with skunks and such. Now don’t get me wrong, you can pour a little of that stuff out and it burns blue fire when you light it and you can tell whether it’s drinkable, but the taste, tastes like the bottom end of a Libby’s corn can with rubbing alcohol in it Neither Furley’s booze nor him is aged to perfection and that wife of his is one ugly woman. I tell you what boy, that ol’ woman’s face would make a freight train take a dirt road. But she’s a kindly woman to everyone but Furley. What’s funny Farley, is that woman of his is the most suspender grabbing person that you will ever see and if she don’t have a mitt full of his overalls normally, she’s reaching for them to grab and get his attention about something. It’s funnier than hell because he’s got a habit of carrying a can of Red Man in the front of his overalls and when she gets to jerking on it you can see the can pop out the top of ‘em!” Dump said laughing. “That woman can make and cook some biscuits though, “Cat head biscuits” she calls them. You know what cat head biscuits are Farley? They the size of a kitten’s head when you cut a biscuit piece out of the dough before you stick them in the oven and the size of a cat’s head when they come out!” Dump said.

  “Oh yeah, Dump, I know all about those things – cathead biscuits, many a grandma has made those things for me. I bet there are a hundred recipes for those things, you got baking soda or baking powder or you just set them in the window to rise. I still have to smile to myself every time I go in a grocery store that you will occasionally see a sack of flour with a dish towel attached to it! Some folks still make those don’t you know, Dump?” Farley said with a smile.

  “Aw hell, most everybody thinks the first step of making biscuits these days is to whap a can of Pillsbury biscuits against the counter. Now in our times, it sounds funny for us to hear how our grandmothers would tell the folks making their dresses or underwear out of flour sacks let alone no matter how many of us moved out of the house ended up with how many kitchen towels that were passed down to us that came out of them flour sacks. I guess these days everybody’s going to have to relearn things but I can’t see anybody making things out of flour sacks or worrying about finding clothes because in modern society, there are closets are full of pre-made goods. Farley, on a somber note, there’s a lot of dead around here and whoever got Connors had to be just plain wicked to cut him that many times. What’s the old saying? Desperate people do desperate things and nowadays everybody’s desperate, but that looked like a psychopath or something like the cops say, there was anger or insaneness there. That wasn’t just a normal robbery for money or food.” Dump said somberly.

  “You said this wasn’t the first occurrence of somebody getting cut up like that. I assume Connors was armed, he’s a bar owner, right?” Farley questioned, cocking one eye at him.

  “Oh, he was always armed. He had his favorite pistols but you never could tell what he was carrying because he was kind of like a collector if you know what I mean. That’s another thing, Farley, there should be lots of different kinds of holsters, shotgun barrels, ammo pouches, butt packs, etc. around that place that’s not in the safe that we can gather up and salvage. Those are trade goods, they may not be what somebody wants but try and find you a leather worker these days. Barnett as you know has been kind of setting himself up as a trading post, could be we find a little value in those types of items. We need us a safecracker is what we need, Farley. Or at least, somebody that’s got some kind of idea of going about getting into one of those things. I would take a cutting torch to the hinges but as far as I know that one is made so that doesn’t happen.” Dump said looking towards Farley who was studying the roads in the distance and wanting to get back to his makeshift tribe and inform them of his plans.

  “I have no idea of how to get into one of those damn things, either, so as far as I’m concerned that’s what going to be classified as a ‘never’. I’m never going to get to it so I’m not going to worry about it and neither should you. Those guns are gone as far as we’re concerned. Now if he has as much money and as many guns as you’re talking about, I’m sure he’s got guns stashed in every room of that place. You got as many guns as you got rooms and I can guarantee you they aren’t locked up. Which brings us back to a new consideration that I’ve been thinking about, this little snatch and grab you got me going on?” Farley said pausing.

  “And that is what, Farley?” Dump said narrowing his eyes.

  “Well look at it this way, normally if somebody says let’s go rob something it’s share fifty-fifty or whatever. We aren’t exactly going to rob nobody and I figure you got full rights to whatever is there but the question remains is that you’re asking me to put my life on the line for a $350 shotgun and you’re going to be loading up on thousands of dollars worth of guns and gear as well as food, and in my calculations that just doesn’t seem fair for me to put my life on the line for.” Farley said taking the fun of what was once a lark and a drunken deal to what was now a more sobered and studied appraisal of the situation.

  “Farley, if you don’t want to go just say so, I don’t know you from Adam as you say but I’m damn sure not giving you fifty percent just for you hauling it around in your van. Now, I can see how you’d be wanting a better deal than I offered you and I can make it up to you but I ain`t giving you half!” Dump said adamantly.

  “Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t asking for fifty-fifty, I was just saying you got to sweeten the pot a little bit and seeing there’ll be extra ammo and whatever available, that means I might be wanting part of that.” Farley said countering.

  “I have no problem gifting you an extra gun or maybe two and a bit of ammo to go with them, but keep in mind, Farley, if I wasn’t sitting here buzzed I could go round up half the county but you’re sitting here with me convenient at the moment.” Dump said with a sneer.

  “Hell, I’d be proud and happy if I had an extra pistol and some ammo.” Farley said extending his hand.

  “You got it, brother.” Dump said amenably then shook his hand and scared the shit out of him by grabbing him in a bear hug.

  Once Farley got his breath back from the big heathen that just got done squishing him he got in his van and proceeded home to tell his tribe he’d be back in a day or so.

  Farley wanted him a new toy.

  Photo c. Patricia Ann Lambert 2015

  10

  The Departure

  Farley pulled into the back gate and unlocked what was as far as he was concerned, the last functioning lock on this place. Note to self: find usable padlocks, Farley said to himself with a grin that his set of bump keys made anything he could find ineffective to normal folks depending on that type of security. Locks were only made to keep honest people honest, Farley thought. What is honest these days? What’s the new definition of that? And how in the hell was he going to explain to Becky and Mr. Wu that he was going off with a biker to collect a murdered man’s supplies.

  Farley looked over on the side of the road and saw of all things an armadillo “hot damn- pos
sum on the half-shell”! Those dang things had finally made their way all the way up here from Texas. What most people don’t realize is documented and looked upon as truth or fallacy that there was evidence or conjecture that they carried leprosy or not. Folks been eating them those armor plated things for years but if there’s one thing nobody wants it’s that dreaded disease and Farley wished he had the internet to ask those questions but it was a foregone conclusion in this world. No, its knowledge that you carry in your head or an old paperback book on the shelf that would determine a man’s fate from here on out, Farley mused. Things like how much to plant, how to handle insect problems, first aid for unknown ills, what roots, berries and leaves were medicinal and how to identify them was all contained in a non-electronic world of voices gone past. The latest greatest knowledge that so many of us were dependant on stored at the touch of a finger was past now, only those individuals with access to old paper books and what they carried in their heads was useful now. Memories would dim, books would be lost and would this survival knowledge ever be recovered or remembered in these post-apocalyptic times? No one man is an island or a rock, as Farley well knew.

  Farley unloaded at Charlie’s house with all the repercussions and scolding Farley predicted and all he said was ‘It’s all right’ before he started to explain that he had to go do something that they weren’t going to approve of but he didn’t have much time to go explaining about. He was kind of gruff and condescending and after he saw the words would have no meaning for them, wished them well and left to go on his mission with sayings that would be ok and they would remember the crap that he had taught them.

  “What’s up, Dump? I’m back! You ready to go?” Farley said as he pulled in front of the horseshoe bar seeing Dump sitting on his hog like he was ready to leave out before Farley got back.

  “I was considering looking for you but I didn’t know which way you were going, so let’s do this!”

  “You want another beer?” Dump asked.

  “Does a dog have fleas?” Farley said reaching for one.

  “Let’s do it!” Dump replied.

  Farley followed Dump on the cycle for about eight miles of country road before arriving at a red dirt hill going up to Connor’s place. Dump set his motorcycle helmet on top of his seat and grinned at Farley and said “Hey, look! That gate’s only about a hundred yards from us. Let’s walk up there first and see if it’s been messed with or not before we drive the van up.”

  Farley said ‘Fine” and then advised Dump to get on the far side of the road and they’d go up that way and see if the gate had been breached or not. After careful walking and listening, they approached the gate and saw that it had not been broken into and gave each other a high five that the road appeared to be clear.

  “Go back and get the van; matter of fact, you walk your ass back there and get the van and I’ll have the gate open by time you get up here!” Dump said with a grin.

  “Damn! Back to walking again, huh?” Farley said proceeding on his way before turning. “Hey Dump! You know this walking thing is something we’ve got to keep in mind. How much gas you got, man? The reason I’m asking is you probably get something like a hundred miles to a gallon of gas and I can’t even consider what a quarter of a tank is.” Farley considered.

  “I’m sitting on about half full, are you sure you got enough to make it up and back?” Dump said questioningly not knowing Farley was sitting on damn near full.

  “I got it, let’s do this!” Farley said resuming his way.

  Dump and Farley drove up to the house and noting nothing was amiss as they presumed, set about looking over the goods in the house for future potential use after Truck used that key to get them in.

  Farley was impressed that evidently his former boss had trusted him enough to supply him with the ‘keys to the kingdom’.

  Farley’s idea of a gun in every room did not prove true although they searched high and low for whatever might possibly be there. They did end up with a couple firearms and the traditional ‘It’s a snake!’ gun at the back door but evidently most of the firearms and ammunition were under lock and key. The booze on the other hand in back of the well-stocked bar in the rumpus room was something that became a distraction and even though they were not supposed to be imbibing they decided to partake of a shot of Jack or two after the scowls were off their faces and the grins began again.

  “Yo, Dump, does he have any boxes around here? Seems like its moving day, you know what I mean? I mean it would take me a liquor store of boxes to carry all this out with us!” Farley declared contemplating the amount of bottles behind the bar.

  “That’s a damn good question! How in the hell are we going to carry all this shit out of here?” Dump asked.

  “I don’t know, dump all the dressers out and use the drawers?” Farley questioned.

  “Yeah, like your mini van could fit a chest of drawers in there!” Dump said studying the wealth they couldn’t take off with them.

  “Screw the whiskey! Let’s go in the kitchen. How much food did he have or whatever? Whiskey is nice but I want some rice and beans, you know what I mean?” Farley said heading in that direction.

  “I don’t know what he had.” Dump said, following him in to what looked like Old Mother Hubbard’s bare cupboards.

  11

  Planning The Birthday Bash

  “Hey Farley, you got any ideas what we can give Miss Feng for her birthday? I was going to give her a fancy hair comb that I had with me, problem is I still like it for myself. Those boys came up with the greatest gift imaginable so far!” Becky said.

  “Charlie asked me the same thing yesterday and I’ve been pondering on that question myself. We could give her some jewelry but she wouldn’t want it because she’d think I probably stole it from somewhere. Wait a minute now, I got it! Go find Charlie and bring him down here. We got to go in this together.” Farley said with a big grin.

  “What is it? Tell me!” Becky implored.

  “No, I am not telling you. Go find Charlie and come back here while I see what we can put together to make the gift while you’re gone. I haven’t done this in a while and I got to see if my old fading memory serves me.” Farley said smiling gleefully antagonizing Becky by not giving her any further hints.

  “Damn it, Farley. Don’t be a pain in the ass. Come on now tell me what it is you have in mind!” Becky said reaching over to snuggle Farley and trying to con him into telling her by teasing and flirting at him.

  “No, that’s not going to work! No cheating now! Go find Charlie and I’ll tell ya’ll what we got in mind.” Farley declared.

  “Ok I’ll be back in a minute but this better be good after you putting me through all this misery! You sure you won’t tell me before I leave?” Becky said looking at him all puppy eyed.

  “Now quit that and go get Charlie!” Farley chuckled giving her a hug back and sending her on her way.

  Becky took her car instead of walking to go get Mr. Wu and Farley just shook his head at the waste of precious gas but it would have taken her at least 20 minutes to walk over there and twenty more to come back if she hadn’t taken her vehicle. Farley went back to his cabin and commenced to rummage around finding bits of this and bits of that to create what he thought might be one hum dinger of a birthday gift if he could manage to pull it off.

  “Damn it, I got everything I need to get this thing done except some alligator clips! Now where the hell am I going to find me some alligator clips in these days and times? Hmmm, what can I use instead? Paper clips? That might work, I don’t know about the plating on them things, though. Darn that Miss Feng, I know I could get exactly what I want from that marina up the road, but my three weeks ain’t up yet. At least I had fun with Dump going through that house the other day and I can still remember Miss Feng’s face when she saw me carrying that pillowcase of goods I brought home with me saying “You bad Farley!” until I calmed that old woman down. I swear I’m going to ask Charlie one of these days if he’s sure
or not if she wasn’t Viet Cong instead of being on our side! I best not start that shit!” Farley said chuckling to himself, trying to figure out what a replacement for alligator clips was.

  Farley was still rummaging around in his stuff and staring at various odds and ends trying to figure out what he could use to complete the birthday present when Charlie and Becky drove up.

  “OK, Farley, tell me your big damn secret now. I got Charlie with me. What is it you got in mind that we should give Miss Feng?” Becky asked as Farley smirked at her that he wasn’t going to tell her just yet, enjoying the moment.

  “Come on, Farley, tell us what it is! Miss Feng is beside herself because she can’t come along she has an idea it has to do with her birthday and she’s going to be needling me as soon as I get home anyway. The longer it takes you telling me the more hell I got to pay when I get home!” Charlie said smiling at Farley to hurry up and spill the beans.

  “Aw, come on now! It isn’t often I can create my own form of entertainment around here, are you up for a guessing game? I’ll give you a hint!” Farley said before two synchronized moans shouting “FARLEY!” encouraged him to quit bedeviling the pair.