Doing The Apocalypse Shuffle: Southern Prepper Adventure Fiction of Survival Grid Down (Old Preppers Die Hard Book 2)

by Ron Foster

  “Don’t give me that shit! I done saw you, Farley, drinking some of that damn brew you’re supposed to not be making! I can’t believe that you got them two young boys over here helping you run a damn still!” Charlie said like it was the end of the world as he knew it.

  “It don’t taste too bad, you want to give it a try?” was all Farley could say and poked a dipper in Charlie’s direction.

  “Aw hell, I’ll try it but what in the hell am I supposed to say you been up to? The girls sent me after you. You are caught by the way, Farley! Miss Feng saw you and Jeremy sneaking down the trail the other night and you got her to answer to, my friend!” Charlie said as the ‘oh shit!’ looks on everybody’s faces sunk down to a state of affairs that it was time for Farley to go to the woods again and could they come with him!

  Charlie sipped out of the dipperful that Farley shoved in his direction while he was trying to regain his composure and figure out how he was going to get out of this situation with kid gloves and tried a new bent on explaining themselves.

  “OK Charlie, you are a man of the world and you have been a soldier once or twice to trading with civilians on foreign bases and you know the value of this crap! I needed me something a little extra to trade since you won’t let me go out and look around folks houses for extra goods. So with a little bit of ingenuity and, how do I say this, you’re out of sugar now, I came up with a solution! These boys here got kind of sneaky and curious and wanted to find out what it was that I was doing hauling them sacks of sugar out of your kitchen and followed me one day. They said they were going to turn me in if I didn’t let them participate in helping run this still! So now you got me! I don’t let them drink by the way; I think I do that enough for everybody around here. But I have been teaching them a science lesson of sorts in the basics of chemistry and distillation. Do you think that might let me out of this hard corner you got me in?” Farley asked with a grin.

  “No, I think you dug that hole about as deep as you can bury yourself in with this one. You done some shit, Farley, but this stunt takes the cake! There is no way in hell I think you can excavate yourself out of this! Miss Feng has already got it in for you with your partying ways and getting her nephew to help you is sure to put your neck in the noose now along with Becky going to give you hell!” Charley wheezed, shaking his head and trying to get his breath back from that rotgut liquor that Farley had somehow managed to produce.

  “Those two damn little heathens blackmailed me! You know when we’re having problems with weapons and stuff we could have made Molotov cocktails for something, anything to be able to fight back with. I came up with a new old way to solve the problem for barter material. White lightning is top shelf trading material, you know. That and I like the taste of it.” Farley said, backing like a boxer getting on his bicycle to move around the ring in order to avoid his opponent.

  “That rope a dope shit isn’t going to work on me, Farley! It isn’t going to work on them, either. You done put yourself in the stew pot and I don’t know how you’re going to get out of there without getting scalded!” Charlie said fuming and taking another sip from the ladle.

  “How did you build this damn thing anyway?” Charlie questioned.

  “Oh, little bit of this and a little bit of that. I wasn’t going to have the boys out here at all at first but like I said they got me. Hey, check this out, Fong repel borders!” Farley said as Fong went over and got a Palmolive bottle full of his elixir and a lighter and shot a twelve foot flamethrower stream of fire towards the lake. “How’s that for a defensive weapon?” Farley said trying to undo the mess he had created.

  “Damn, that’s even worse, now you got them playing with flammables and explosive liquids!”

  “Well, can we tell them I thought about going into the tincture business? You know botanicals and herbs and that I needed something resembling vodka to do it with?” Farley said grasping at straws.

  “No, I don’t think that will work too well. You done turned their two little darlings into moonshiners and they aren’t ever going to forgive you for that, Farley!” Charlie declared.

  “But he doesn’t let us drink it!” Jeremy squeaked.

  “Damn right he don’t and it’s a good thing too! I catch you drinking that crap you are going to find out what a mean grandpa is all about!” Charlie said dismissing the boy as Fong put his hands up like he was surrendering from being caught with his hands in the cookie jar.

  “Houston! We got us a problem! Man, I can’t see any way out of this damn situation except that nobody needs to say a word about this situation! How about that, Charlie?” Farley said exasperated.

  “That won’t work, either. You’re caught, son. You know that old woman of mine! Man, I guarantee you she’s going to get it out of me eventually or she’s going to saddle up and corral one of the boys and get it out of them and I am not getting in Dutch all the time for crap you come up with, Farley!” Charlie said not wanting any part of Farley’s lack of judgment.

  “Ok, I got it: you know if I mix this stuff with gasoline 50/50 we can run your generators and the cars a lot longer. That’s transport, refrigeration, battery charging, etc. I am going to give to Miss Feng 25 gallons for her birthday. She can use it to trade, make tinctures with or mix with gas to run the generator and I will hook a hot water heater to it so she can have a warm bath.” Farley said, looking like he was going to get a bit tipsy by nervously sipping on his recipe for inspiration as he tried to come up with a story.

  Charlie regarded him for a moment looking at Farley’s sly grin of achieving a “Eureka moment” before busting out laughing and declaring, “Farley you got balls like a big brass monkey and some of the damndest, weirdest ways I ever seen about getting out of trouble but that offer of a hot bath once in awhile might just work. Congratulations, boy, you have achieved the impossible!” Charlie said as the boys whooped up this getting the hell out of the frying pan and the fire moment.

  “That story might work for Miss Feng. If I tell her, your good intentions might not get lost in the translation but I don’t think Becky will buy it and will probably see right through you. That woman studies you by the way, Farley. I see her looking for hidden meanings in what you say or admiring you when you do right. You better have all your ducks in a row and a straight face if you are going to pull that one off. Did it for Miss Feng! Ha! That is funnier than hell and what’s worse is that you might very well get away with it! I better heed my own advice and not bust out laughing when I hear you trying to tell it to her. Boys, if you get caught up in this grandiose bending of words, you best say that you didn’t understand what was going on because your butts are on the line also.” Charlie said with new admiration for the man to fabricate such a tale to save his ass that somehow seemed to end up being believable. The only problem was he wasn’t sure if everyone could carry it off with out letting the cat out of the bag.

  “OK, we got to act like this stuff is poison and not fit for human consumption. It needs to sound like you will die by just getting it on you at a certain stage if you’re not protected so they won’t think about us possibly consuming it.” Farley said polishing the apple for sale.

  “That is going to get you in a world of trouble, Farley, you need to rethink that. You putting those two young boys in danger is bound to be going to cause you a world of grief worse than having them help you make a batch of moonshine.” Charlie cautioned.

  “Wise words, buddy. You got any suggestions then?” Farley said revaluating the situation.

  “Well, you could allude to just adding food coloring to it like you did about making something appear to being agricultural gas for trade that they understood.” Charlie ventured.

  “Yea, I could say something about if you add it to shaved ivory soap you get napalm or something or other but they would be back on my case again. Guess the main thing is I don’t get caught drinking it and you neither, Charlie, or them two song birds are going to try to peck our eyes out. Hey, they don’t know shit from shi
nola when it comes to different forms of alcohol. We can tell them this stuff is like rubbing alcohol that everybody knows you can’t drink and that they are dumb to even accuse us of such!” Farley said loving it when a plan came together.

  “You just ain’t right, Farley, that’s one devious mind you got working for ya.” Charlie guffawed and shook his hand.

  “You know what’s a bitch, Farley, after you give it to her for her birthday, she’s going to send Fong down to help you make it and if he don’t she’s going to fuss at him to get going!” Charlie laughed.

  “I could also put a small amount of it in a solar hot water heater I been thinking about so it won’t freeze this winter.” Farley said coming up with a further use.

  “I love it when a plan comes together! Hey, Jeremy, you going to make sure Fong gets up and helps us run the still?” Farley said.

  “Boy, I heard some whoppers in my day, but Farley, I don’t know about you!” Jeremy said slapping his buddy Fong on the back that now he was going to have to get out there and carry the load and thump the still and tend fires instead of him sneaking out in the middle of the night.

  Charlie said “Farley, I still am not over how actually funny this might turn out. You painted your damn self in a corner and the only one looking like they may be a pole cat would be Miss Feng if she don’t accept your present! This is going to be one hell of a birthday party! Too bad we can’t drink some of this shine to celebrate it!” Charlie said, grinning at Farley.

  “Who said we can’t? How are they going to know any damn difference with what I spiked the punch with. They already know I’m going to do or try something like that anyway. Don’t drink the fruit punch, by the way boys.” Farley said, messing with his moonshine helpers.

  “Farley, you are what my old school teacher used to call a scoundrel!” Charlie said.

  “Yea, but I’m a damn good one!” Farley said chuckling.

  “Now then, you boys blackmailed the hell out of me to let you help out in this little endeavor and you nearly got me fried so guess what I got on you now? If I hear one word spoken about this stuff, I’m gonna go off and get amnesia and leave you with the ruckus you created.” Farley said, patting Jeremy on the head just to piss him off because the boy hated that and Farley knew that just to aggravate his new charges once in a while.

  Charlie laughed seeing the boys’ response as he reached over and did the same thing to Fong saying “I got ya!”

  .

  “Now the shoe’s on the other foot isn’t it, you little hobgoblins!” Farley said as the two boys looked at each other and went ‘Uhhhh” as they realized Farley wasn’t going to let them get away with putting it over on him.

  “Hey, Jeremy, you know next time I need water from the lake to fill up my toilet we got us a new word I’m going to whisper to you, you know what that word is? Moonshine!” Farley said while contemplating a new way to mess with the younger generation.

  “Works both ways, Farley! Don’t you start nothing! Next time you want to come over to the house and act all innocent and tell me to go to bed, I’m going to tell you the same!” Jeremy said.

  “OK, truce then! We know nothing, we say nothing, ain’t that right, guys?” Farley said as they all a round of high fives.

  The motley crew gathered up and put the fire out on the still and headed for home and tried to put on happy faces to go see the Feng.

  “Where you been? What you do?” Miss Feng questioned as she inspected her nephew for cuts and bruises and wondered why Farley seemed to be suppressing a grin.

  “Now, Mama, they were just down there skipping rocks on the lake, doing what boys do. We just hung around awhile and checked on the smokehouse” Charlie began before Becky started questioning Farley on the same subject.

  “You been up to something, you are smirking about something, Farley! What are you smiling about?” Becky asked.

  “Nothing much we were just talking about all the surprise things we have for Miss Feng’s birthday. Aren’t you a darlin’.” Farley said patting the diminutive woman on the head to piss her off just because he could.

  “I tell you, Farley; no pat me on the head! Big tall ugly Farley! Why you pat me on the head? I no like.” Miss Feng said pushing him away.

  “Because you so cute!” Farley said leaning to give her a kiss on the cheek and then going ‘oh hell’ as he noticed her eyes narrowing as she smelled his breath.

  “I don’t understand you, Farley. You walk outdoors sober and you come back stinking! You been drinking with my boy?” Feng said hands on her hips.

  Becky reached over at Farley and grabbed his shirttail and said “What the hell? You have only been gone an hour! Where did you find something to sip on this early in the day?” Becky said in anger just to be on the side of Miss Feng, Farley’s favorite nemesis.

  “Now that’s a hell of a thing. I get run off walking a mile or so to round up the boys and some woman wants to spank me because I forgot I had a few of them itty bitty miniatures like you used to get on the airplane in my vest pocket that I forgot that I had left over from one of the Prepperstock’s I had attended. I showed it to Charlie and we both went what the hell does cinnamon flavored rum taste like and it was just the one, so we gave it a try.” Farley said trying to appear sober.

  “Yeah, right, how many did you actually have?” Becky asked and Miss Feng looked at Mr. Wu considering the same.

  “Now sweeties, don’t be fussing today, we just had us a little wandering and pondering. The boys are here and we’re all safe and it’s Miss Feng’s birthday party in a few days so we are allowed a few secrets we don’t want to discuss! And we were just having us a conversation about how this lovely day should be spent.” Farley said.

  Charlie who was the far more sober of the two for the moment saw the opportunity to save Farley’s ass and said, “We thought that you shouldn’t do any cooking for your birthday at all and we were just going over the menu.”

  “It smells like brandied cherries were on the menu.” Becky said before going ‘oh hell, don’t say anything about booze around Miss Feng’.

  The boys decided they needed to help out on this little bit of conversation here and told everyone that they had set out extra lines to try to get a great big blue catfish for the menu because Miss Feng seemed to like that kind of fish better than whatever else lived in the lake.

  Miss Feng chattered and stuttered and said in her beloved broken English what wonderful boys they were to consider such and Farley and Charlie, in spite of themselves, could not stop grinning at each other. They did however, look over at the boys to tell them not to lay it on too thick or they would surely get caught and the conversation moved on to the here and now and more important things.

  12

  Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep Will Scatter

  You become the monster you fear the worst, so the monster won't overtake you.”

  Suzanne Weyn, The Bar Code Tattoo

  Becoming what he feared the most was what Farley feared most. A gun prepper gone looting is the same as a desperate unprepared marauder. For many preppers before the collapse their solution to helping themselves after a disaster somehow fixated on guns and ammo. They got more prepared to shoot someone rather than prep more food or learn more about self sufficiency.

  The will to succeed is important, but what's more important is the will to prepare.

  -Bobby Knight

  That there were now plenty of armed people in the world looting to survive he had no doubt. The monsters he feared were good people gone bad, bad people gotten worse, preppers turned marauders. There is nothing more primal than a hungry man seeking food; actually there is nothing more primal than a hungry man with a child and a wife.

  He does not care about laws, rules, the prepper community or anything similar.

  He has simple tasks that he will try to do at all costs, to feed his kid, his wife and himself, to have safety. Does he obey the invisible rules? No, in most cases he will not. Who would just go int
o the forest to die because it is not appropriate to cause problems for your neighbor or because they were a fellow prepper?

  If you looked at Farley for the last few months you would not find desperation, but determination, will and hope, but he felt himself changing. It was happening and Farley needed to deal with it, he was becoming the enemies he feared because he feared they would fear him and shoot him as one of them, the enemy.

  That Farley would be fearless in trying to protect everyone they had no doubts, that this testosterone fueled trait of his would cause both them and him grief was pause for conjecture as he seemed to like to wave caution to the wind and want to do stuff on his own that needed reeling in from time to time.

  If Farley got mad about something he was wont to go out and try to take care of it himself, he made it apparent he didn’t think you would be of any help to him and most likely get him killed and yell at you to stay in your place. Such outbursts usually came after he was taken to task for undue risks that could affect them all and if his begrudging explanation and apology was not readily received he would get mad and go demonstrate some kind of bullshit macho getting his pride and his honor confused schoolboy resistance to the notion by standing in front of trouble when he shouldn’t.