DOCTOR'S ORDERS

by Bella Grant

  “I see,” she said quietly.

  “Is that out of line?” he asked.

  “No,” she replied slowly. “It’s not. It just makes me sort of sad.”

  “I’m sorry,” he offered, stumbling for the right words.

  “I still don’t understand why you left,” she said, her voice hostile.

  “I was afraid your neighbors would see me and recognize me.”

  “No one would recognize you,” she replied. “Plus, I don’t even know my neighbors. I keep a pretty low profile. You’re paranoid.”

  “I guess I am,” he sighed. “I just didn’t know it was such a big deal.”

  “Seriously?” she scoffed. “You thought it was cool to fuck me and bail? How do you think that makes me feel, waking up alone the next morning?”

  “I… I don’t know,” he confessed, confused by this turn in the conversation. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. As I said, I didn’t realize it was a big deal.”

  “You sound like an idiot,” Amelia snapped, and Theodore was shocked by the change in their dynamic. He had felt they were equals before, when he was admiring her. Now, as she stood in front of him, chastising him, he realized they really were equals and that she wasn’t going to make things easy on him.

  “I fucked up,” he said. “I shouldn’t have left.” Theodore stood up and walked slowly around the edge of the counter towards her. “Amelia,” he continued, “I didn’t want to leave. Nothing in me wanted to leave. I thought it was the right thing to do. I’m sorry if it hurt you. All I wanted was to hold you in my arms. Hell, I went home and fell asleep dreaming of you.”

  “You did?” she asked. Her voice was softer now, and she loosened her crossed arms as he approached.

  “Of course I did. You’re all I can think about now,” he breathed, feeling a rush of emotion as he closed the space between them and leaned his forehead against hers.

  “Don’t do it again, okay?” she said firmly.

  “I won’t,” Theodore answered. “I promise.” He reached out and pulled her into his arms, resting his chin on the top of her head as she nuzzled his chest. As he kissed her forehead, he noticed her skin was warm, and sweet, and smelled of coffee.

  CHAPTER 13

  Amelia felt herself on a threshold of emotion as Theodore kissed her forehead. Part of her wanted nothing more than to sink into his embrace and let herself fall head over heels for him. The other part of her—the part that had endured being bounced around foster homes without ever having a rock to cling to—refused to allow her to open herself up entirely for fear of being hurt.

  Theodore leaving had hurt her, and although she was somewhat satisfied with his explanation and could even see the logic in his reasoning, it didn’t quite eliminate the sting from waking to find him gone and her bed empty after the night they had shared together.

  Still, when he kissed her and told her he wouldn’t do it again, she wanted to believe him. “I get it, I really do,” she conceded. “I just don’t know where that leaves us.”

  “I think we should establish some ground rules,” Theodore said gently.

  “Okay,” she answered slowly. “Such as?”

  “Well, on campus we obviously can’t let on that we’re together,” he said, pausing to consider his next statement.

  “That sounds fair.”

  “I mean, I have so much to lose here,” he continued. “I’ve got tenure riding on this. And don’t get me wrong—I think it’s worth it, I just can’t let this ruin my career.” Amelia narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s not so bad for you,” Theodore rationalized. “You’d get a slap on the wrist. All the burden of blame lies on the professor in these situations. So I’ve got to be careful. I’ve got to protect myself—”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” demanded Amelia. “You’re going to stand there and be so self-absorbed that you tell me I’ve got nothing to lose here?”

  Theodore looked at her, surprised. “What?” he stammered.

  “You’re literally standing there telling me you’ve got everything to lose and I’ve got nothing to lose. You sound like an asshole right now,” she said flatly.

  “Whoa, where is this coming from?” Theodore asked, baffled by her response.

  “Wow. I just don’t know what to say to you if you can’t see it,” Amelia replied, shaking her head in disbelief.

  Theodore was silent a moment. “Okay,” he said finally. “Maybe that was unfair.”

  “You think?” Amelia shot back. “Do you know what happens to girls who get caught in these kinds of situations? I’d probably lose my scholarship, for one. Goodbye degree. Not to mention the irreparable damage to my reputation. Do you know what an affair with my professor would do to my academic credibility? Despite the fact that I’m smart and capable, all my accomplishments would be written off as favoritism and sexual reciprocity. So don’t fucking stand there and wax poetic about everything you’ve got to lose, as if you’re the only one who’s out on a limb here. That’s unfair, and it’s bullshit.”

  Theodore stared at her, dumbfounded. “I’m sorry,” he managed to say. “You’re… you’re right. I was out of line. I guess I was just preoccupied with my own shit.”

  “Well I’m glad you realize that,” Amelia mumbled. Her face was hot, and she wasn’t quite sure where this surge of emotion was coming from except her lifelong inclination to battle social and sexual injustice. To find it happening to her now, with the first man she’d ever felt really connected with, was too much for her.

  “So,” Theodore said uncertainly. “Where does that leave us?”

  “I’m fine with keeping it secret,” Amelia replied. “I just want you to realize that I’m doing it for my own reasons, too, and you’re not the only one whose ass is on the line here. And if anything, that should make you feel better, because I’m just as invested in this as you.”

  “I guess it does,” Theodore replied. “So, we’ll keep us a secret then.”

  “Yes,” Amelia agreed.

  “And you won’t tell any of your friends?” Theodore asked.

  “No, of course not,” she replied. As soon as the words left her mouth, she realized that was a lie. Frankie knew. But Frankie was more than a friend. He was like her family. And not only that, he’d never tell. She wouldn’t go blabbing about it at the coffee shop to all the little ditzy girls who worked there. It was Frankie. He was different. He was safe. He understood.

  Theodore watched her intently as this thought passed through her brain. When she noticed the puzzled expression on his face, she smiled and pushed the thought out of her head. No sense worrying him with this, not when he was already being so weird. If anything, it would seem like she just lied to his face. And really, when she considered who Frankie was to her and the spirit of Theodore’s request, rather than the letter of it, she was being truthful.

  “So when will we be able to see each other?” she asked him.

  “I don’t know,” he replied. “I’m flat out this week with papers and exams and I have a chapter to finish for publication. How about Thursday?”

  “Yeah,” she replied. “Thursday’s good. Are we… are we still doing that panel discussion thing?”

  “I hope so,” Theodore said. “Please don’t leave me high and dry on that. I’m counting on you to make me look good.” He gave her a little smile, but the words sounded hollow to her. She wondered how they’d be able to navigate the sexual politics of professor and student. She wasn’t sure she liked him joking about using her to make himself look good to the tenure committee. Still, she rationalized, she was getting a recommendation letter out of it herself. As long as they didn’t get caught, it would all be worth it when she applied to graduate schools.

  “Do you want to come over afterwards?” she asked him. “On Thursday?”

  “Yeah,” he replied and gave her that crooked smile that had melted her heart so many times before. “I’d love to.”

  “Okay,” she replied.

  He lea
ned against the counter, watching her, and she suddenly felt very self-conscious. She kicked at a loose coffee bean on the floor before finally looking up at him and saying, “Well, I should probably close this place up. Early shift tomorrow…”

  “Right, of course,” Theodore replied, rousing himself.

  Amelia felt emotionally exhausted from their exchange. She was glad they had talked, but she wasn’t sure where they were. Secret, that’s where. They would pretend nothing was happening between them when on campus and in public, but that was easier to say than to do. She wondered if people would notice the difference and guess what was going on between them. Hopefully not.

  “Come on,” she said. “We’ll leave this way.” Theodore followed her to the back room of the café, and after she punched out on the time clock and pulled her jacket from the hook, he held it for her as she slipped her arms inside.

  “Thanks,” she said, smiling up at him and feeling, for the first time that night, that giddy feeling of romance that had swept through her the night they’d spent together.

  “Any time,” he replied, grinning down at her. He reached out his hand and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

  Without warning, Amelia rocked forward on her tiptoes and reached up to kiss him. Theodore wrapped his arms around her and pushed her back against the wall, moving his mouth softly against her lips. Amelia heard herself let out a little moan as his tongue traced the tip of hers, and reaching up, she ran her hands through his hair.

  “Call me,” Theodore said, when she finally pulled away. “Text me. Whatever. Just… don’t be a stranger,” he implored.

  “Okay,” Amelia promised. “I will. I mean… I won't. I’ll text you.”

  Theodore left the coffee shop before her, and Amelia watched his dark figure disappear into the night. She stood in the doorway for a few moments and considered texting Frankie, but for the first time, she didn’t really feel like sharing this experience with him. For once, it felt like only hers. And as she held it close—the thought of Theodore and his warm body pressed against hers—she was glad they were keeping it a secret. It was nice to have something that was hers and only hers.

  As she finished closing the coffee bar for the night, a wave of pain washed through her abdomen. Amelia clutched her stomach and leaned against the counter. She was surprised by the pain, but also comforted. After doing the math in her head, it made sense. Her period was a couple days early, but that wasn’t terribly unusual for her, and cramps were always the surest sign of it.

  She rummaged in her bag and found a tampon. Slipping into the bathroom in the back of the café, Amelia was surprised to find only a little spot of blood. Still, it was a welcome sight. She’d never been so relieved to see the faint pink signs of her period before. Even the cramps were lessening, and Amelia exhaled a deep sigh.

  After washing her hands, she looked in the mirror and saw the relief relaxing her face. That was a close one, she thought. But she had cramps. She had her period. She was not pregnant. Thank God, she whispered to herself. And I didn’t even waste ten dollars on a pregnancy test. Tonight was a good night after all.

  CHAPTER 14

  As Theodore left the coffee shop and walked away from Amelia, he was flooded with relief at her willingness to keep their involvement a secret. As he breathed a deep sigh of relief, he felt excited at the prospect of being able to continue this new relationship with her, and he relished the idea of it being consequence-free. As he felt this satisfaction wash over him, another feeling pushed in, leaving him doubtful. Was he treating her badly?

  Theodore kicked at a pile of leaves on the sidewalk and wondered if he was taking advantage of her. Amelia is a smart woman, strong and resourceful, he told himself. She wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want to do. But still, was it right? Was it ethical? This thought made him frown, and he felt agitated at the idea of using her. He didn’t think he was, but did that matter? Amelia shouldn’t be anyone’s dirty little secret, he thought to himself.

  She seemed totally okay with keeping their involvement private. As Theodore walked, his mind ran a gamut of emotions, from happiness to doubt. There was another possibility, one that bruised his ego more than anything. Perhaps she was ashamed to be with him? She had been forceful in her defense of her own risk in being caught. Her points were solid, and Theodore couldn’t deny that although she wouldn’t lose tenure like him, she would have certain doubts cast upon her ability simply for being caught with him.

  Is that all it was? Was it only that she didn’t want to be known as the girl who slept with her professor? Or was it something else, something about him, something that made her want to keep her distance? Was she as into him as he was to her?

  Theodore rubbed his hands over his face and let out an exasperated sigh. He had left the coffee shop feeling so hopeful and happy, but now his mind was riddled with little doubtful pockmarks. Although he didn’t know Amelia as well as he wanted to know her, he had no reason to doubt her sincerity. They were just looking out for each other, he told himself. And with that thought in his mind, he turned up the hill towards his office where he had a stack of papers that needed grading.

  As Theodore sat at his desk, making margin notes on the pile of midterm essays in front of him, he looked distractedly at his phone. Amelia was in his head, and he wanted to connect with her. He picked up his phone and opened a text to her. Thinking of you, he typed before deleting it and setting his phone aside. He wondered if it was too early to send her those kinds of texts.

  As if on cue, his phone lit up with a message from Amelia. He wondered if she had been looking at her phone, too, and seen the little ellipses that indicated he was typing. I can’t wait to see you again, she wrote.

  Theodore felt a little flutter in his heart. He was crazy to doubt her. He was being neurotic and ridiculous to get so caught up in his head. He couldn’t keep the smile from his face as he wrote back. Can’t wait to wrap you in my arms. Thinking of you. Very distracting.

  He hit send and leaned back in his chair. He hardly noticed the footsteps approaching his door as he sat with his hands laced behind his head, thinking about Amelia.

  “There you are, Theodore,” the sharp voice clipped at him. “I wanted to check in with you about those faculty senate meetings and make sure you’re keeping up with everything.”

  Theodore sat up quickly, his hands falling to his sides. Catherine, his Department Chair, hovered ominously in the doorway.

  “Oh, hello,” he said quickly, clearing his throat. “Um, the faculty senate meetings are going fine. Just very time consuming,” he admitted.

  “Yes, they are. And are you keeping up on grading and such?” she asked, scanning the mounds of papers piled in drifts on his desk.

  “Of course,” he replied a bit defensively. Catherine had a way of making him terribly uneasy.

  “Excellent,” Catherine nodded with a quick jab of her head. “Social life isn’t too distracting?”

  Theodore narrowed his eyes at her, confused. Did she know something? How could she know about Amelia? There was nothing to know. “No, not at all,” he replied skeptically. “Why do you ask?”

  “No reason,” Catherine said, sounding a bit flustered. “I just wondered how you were settling in.”

  Theodore wasn’t quite sure, but he thought he saw the hollows of her cheekbones turn a little pink. “Okay,” Theodore replied. Catherine made him uncomfortable, and he was ready for her to remove herself from his doorway. “Well, everything is under control here. Just trying to finish up some grading,” he gestured to the piles of papers with his red pen.

  “I see.” Catherine smiled awkwardly. “Well, carry on then. Let me know if you need anything. My door is always open.”

  “Right. Uh, thanks,” Theodore nodded. “Will do.”

  His pulse slowed as she turned and walked away. His guilty conscience over Amelia was going to get him in trouble. He couldn’t quite tell, but he had a vague suspicion after this interaction with Cat
herine that perhaps she was interested in him. Which, honestly, was the last thing he wanted. He didn’t need any more attention on him right now than he already had.

  The following week passed in a frenzy of work and grading, warmed by the development of his relationship with Amelia. They found a groove together, and he was able to fall back into step with her in class, convinced that no one could tell anything was going on between them. Amelia returned to being his perfect student. He took great pleasure in their academic discourse, and although it took a decent amount of restraint to avoid grinning like a fool at her, he kept it together in class.

  Theodore was relieved to find that the two girls who had missed most of the extra credit project meetings were back in class. Their timing was convenient, as Theodore found himself in dangerous territory being alone with Amelia on campus. Having two other students as a sort of chaperone-buffer was the most effective thing he could think of currently, and between the four of them working together, they were able to finish the project quickly.

  As Theodore eyed Amelia over the top of his laptop, the other two girls working diligently in the corner, he smiled at her, and she blushed. That flush of pink across her cheeks made him twitch in his pants, and he had to take a deep breath and refocus all his attention on the linguistics article he was citing from the Shakespeare Quarterly to calm himself again.

  As the girls shoved their books in their bags and put on their coats, Theodore said, “Thanks for your hard work tonight, ladies. It’s good to have you back. I think with one more session we should have it wrapped up.”

  “Thanks, Professor Bell,” the girls chimed as they left the office together.

  Amelia was stalling, waiting for their footsteps to disappear down the hallway. “So,” she said finally. “What are you doing tonight?”

  Theodore grinned. “You?” he asked coyly.