Behind the Eyes of Dreamers

by Pamela Sargent

  “You know we can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “They’ll find us. We should go back, Suzanne. Come on, I’ll walk you to your dome.”

  “I’d rather not go back there right now,” she said wearily. She went to the side of the road and sat down on some grass. “You can leave if you want, Gabe, I think I’d rather be alone right now anyway.”

  “You’re sure, Suzanne? You’ll be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “You won’t do anything silly?”

  “No.”

  “Well, if you want to talk to me later or anything, feel free.” She watched him shuffle back down the highway, shoulders slumped forward.

  She pulled at the grass near her foot. Things were slipping away from her again as they always had. Her relationship with Joel had always seemed fortuitous. He had drifted into her life at a party she almost didn’t attend; he could very well drift out again and there was nothing she could do about it. At worst he would get involved in some foolhardy scheme with Gabe and the others, resulting in disaster; she was convinced that the Aadae could not be defeated. At best, he would stay with her and they would continue living in the dome as they had with no purpose other than constructing alien objects for the Aadae. The thought made her shudder. It was useless to look ahead; the best thing to do was to get through each day, forfeiting any hopes. She had practice at that already.

  A cloud danced in front of the sun, shadowing the road in front of her. She shivered in the cooler air.

  Joel had disappeared again. In the morning, his mat was empty. Suzanne, awake at dawn, was outside the dome, shivering slightly in the wet air.

  A heavy fog hung over the domed settlement, its gray masses almost indistinguishable from the metal domes. Its tendrils wound along the pathway and wrapped themselves around her feet. Suzanne stepped away from the doorway into the fog and was soon lost in its billowing masses, unable to see more than dim shapes. She was hidden and protected.

  She was not looking for Joel. She didn’t really want to know where he was and didn’t want to risk confronting him in the presence of someone else. She tried to think about him objectively in the gray silence. It was foolish to think she could be everything to him, that she could fulfill all his needs, particularly in the present situation. He had always come back before. She demanded little sexually, content to satisfy Joel’s needs with few of her own. She thought of Paul, whom she had loved while still in school. After two months, she had finally allowed Paul to share her cot in the dormitory room, twisting against him frantically during the night. She had satisfied him, but not herself. She avoided Paul after that. There was another, a boy whose name she couldn’t remember, at a party, and with him there were only spasms and a drained, nauseous feeling afterward. With Joel she acted, going through the motions but always distant, her mind drifting off as he entered her. At times she would feel a twinge or an occasional spasm. She knew she loved him, or at least had loved him once; yet if he had remained with her, never touching her except for a kiss or a few hugs, she would have been content. I can’t expect him to be satisfied with that; no one would be. Why shouldn’t he see someone else? It’s surprising he stays with me at all. Her heart twisted at the thought. Her mind throbbed, recoiling from the image of Joel with a vague female shape, and tears stung her eyes. She hated her body, a piece of perambulating dead meat, an anesthetized machine. No, not anesthetized. She could, after all, feel pain.

  She was lost in the fog. She no longer knew where her own dome was. She kept walking, thinking that if she could find the highway, she could reorient herself.

  “Hey.” She turned. “Hey.” Two young black men stood in the doorway of a dome, watching her. They were smiling, and one of them gestured to her. She fled into the fog, turning down another path and almost running until she was sure the two men were far behind. Then she suddenly felt shame. They probably just wanted to ask me something. She shook off the thought. I have to be careful. But she wondered if she would have hurried away if the men had been white. Her cheeks burned.

  She was more lost than before. She stopped in front of a dome and tried to figure out where she was. She should have come to the highway by now.

  She peered inside the dome tentatively, then stepped back. It was guarded by two Aadae. Inside, she could see aliens sleeping on the floor in the large central room. She had not seen the inside of one of their dwellings before, afraid of approaching one. The guards looked at her inquisitively. She backed away farther, trying to smile harmlessly, then continued on the path.

  She collided with someone. She opened her mouth to apologize, then threw her hands in front of her face and managed to suppress a scream. A bald, wizened figure stood there, clad only in a dirty robe. It was no more than five feet tall and its greenish-yellow skin was stretched tightly over bones. It stared at her blankly and she recognized the violet eyes of the Aadae. Its robe hung open, revealing a penis no thicker than a finger. The blue stone on its forehead seemed to wink at her.

  One of the males. She felt nauseated. The figure tried to reach for her, his lips drawing back across his teeth in an imitation of a smile. She moved back, trying to ward him off with her arms.

  Then another Aada was beside him, holding his arm. She recognized Neir-let. The Aada was whispering to the male in her own language. The male, still grinning, sat down.

  “He frightens you?” Neir-let asked. Suzanne sighed with relief. “He is harmless.”

  “I didn’t know … I haven’t seen a male Aada before.”

  Neir-let looked puzzled for a second, then nodded. “Male. We have few, enough for children. We always have few. This one is old and no longer wise.” The male was drooling and picking at his toenails. “Soon his mind will join the others above. In his travels, he may see our home again.” Neir-let sat down with the male, her arm across his shoulders.

  “Do you miss your home?” Suzanne said impulsively. She was suddenly curious about the Aadae, who as far as she knew rarely talked to anyone. Neir-let seemed to sigh.

  “To you, Suzanne, I will talk,” said the alien. She was shocked, not realizing that Neir-let knew her name. “You have a gift, I know. You have brushed those above once in the dawn. Do you remember? You fled from us.”

  Suzanne struggled with her memories, then recalled the morning she had seen the Aadae seated on the highway, staring into the sun. She nodded silently.

  “Yes, I miss my home. I will not see it again as I am. But I could not stay there knowing that other minds would die. Your world is much like ours, but the small differences bring me sadness. Yet I could live here with my daughters and be pleased.” Neir-let paused. Suzanne sat down near her, for once unafraid. “But we must leave here and the home of my daughters must be the ship.”

  Leave here. If we wait long enough … “Why are you here?” she asked.

  “So that you will not die.”

  “You’ve killed so many of us, though. Why?”

  Tears glistened in the alien’s eyes. “If we had not, others would have joined them. Then all of you would die. It is a painful thing, Suzanne.” Neir-let patted the male alien on the head and trilled to him. He nestled against her. Suzanne was at peace, strangely, not wanting to leave Neir-let’s side. The fog had lifted slightly. I should get back to the dome, she thought, unwilling to move.

  From the corner of her eye, she saw a shape leave the doorway of the dome where the Aadae slept. She turned to face it. Joel. The shape disappeared in the fog and she could not be sure.

  Neir-let was still singing to the male Aada. Suzanne rose and began to thread her way through the maze of paths. She could see more clearly now and soon managed to find her own dome.

  She hurried inside and up the stairway. In her room, Joel lay on his mat, seemingly asleep. Yet his breathing was shallow and his hair and face were dotted with small beads of moisture. She wanted to speak to him, to question him. She clamped her lips shut and curled up on her own mat, nursing her pain and
her fear.

  She had to talk to Gabe. She had to tell him what Neir-let had said.

  She went looking for him as soon as she was through with her work for the day. The bright sunlight had burned away the fog of that morning and by noon the weather was hot and humid. A group of people, among them Oscar Harrison and Asenath Berry, had gathered in front of the dome when she left, speaking to each other in low, angry tones. One man reached out and grabbed her as she passed and she tried to pull away.

  “Let her go,” said Oscar. The man released her. Suzanne retreated, then looked back. Everyone in the area seemed to be leaving the vicinity as if expecting trouble. Joel was still asleep upstairs and for a moment she wondered if she should go back and wake him up. Better to let him sleep; he’ll miss the trouble. She went on to Gabe’s dome.

  Gabe was not in his room. One of his roommates, a frail-looking Chinese man named Soong, looked up as she entered.

  “Do you know where Gabe is?” she asked him. “I have to talk to him.” She felt impatient, on edge. “It’s pretty important.”

  Mr. Soong smiled. “He is being entertained by a young lady, I believe, a few domes down. He has been away all night. You can find him there, but I do not know if he wishes to be disturbed.”

  The old windbag. “Which dome?”

  “I am not sure. If you wish to wait here, you are welcome. Please be seated.” The man nodded toward one of the mats which crowded the floor. “Gabe was indeed overwhelmed by good fortune. He was surprised when the young lady appeared last night and invited him to share her company. Usually he is back by morning, but she was a very attractive woman.”

  And he’s always complaining about his lousy luck. “Thank you,” said Suzanne, trying to be as dignified as Mr. Soong. “I’ll come back later. Please tell him Suzanne’s looking for him; he’ll know who I am.”

  She went back out the door and down the stairway. She paused in the downstairs room, wondering if she should talk to Felice. Then she remembered the angry crowd in front of her dome. I can’t go back there.

  For the first time, it occurred to her that Neir-let might have spoken to her in confidence. Perhaps she didn’t want Suzanne speaking to anyone else about their talk; maybe she would be angry if she found out she had. She shrugged off the idea. It couldn’t hurt to tell someone and it might prevent them from acting rashly. She remembered the burned bodies on the highway. They could afford to wait, knowing that the Aadae planned to leave.

  “Suzanne.” Gabe was standing in the doorway. She hurried toward him. He was smiling contentedly. “I finally had some luck, this girl I hardly know …”

  “Mr. Soong told me.” She tried to smile back.

  “Don’t look so irritated. I’ll start flattering myself by thinking you’re jealous.”

  “Gabe, I have to talk to you. I was talking to one of the Aadae last night and she told me they were going to leave eventually, I don’t know when, but that’s what she said.”

  “Where did you see her?”

  “I just happened to run into her, I was wandering around. Gabe, if we can just wait …”

  “Suzanne, they won’t leave until they’ve accomplished their purpose, whatever that is. It could be pretty hideous, you know.”

  “Neir-let said they want to keep us from dying.”

  Gabe wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. “No doubt she was speaking figuratively.”

  Someone outside was shouting. Suzanne shook her head and began to move toward the doorway. “What’s going on,” she said listlessly. Something seemed to be keeping her from looking outside.

  Gabe was pulling at her hand. “Don’t talk to Neir-let any more,” he muttered. “In fact, I wouldn’t advise talking to any of the Aadae unless you can’t help it. Some people don’t like it; you could get into trouble.”

  She was suddenly annoyed by Gabe. She withdrew her hand and went outside. A small group of people were standing in front of her dome. She wandered toward them. Something was in the doorway of the dome. She moved closer.

  She saw Joel. A shock seemed to strike her body, paralyzing her. Blood rushed to her head and face. Her skin crawled over her stiff muscles, a cold piece of iron was resting in her belly.

  Joel was hanging by his neck in the doorway. He had been stabbed several times. Someone had ripped off his shirt, revealing long scratches on his chest. His feet dangled loosely from his legs. Above him, someone had posted a sign: COLLABORATOR. His eyes were closed, the long lashes shadowing his cheekbones.

  She began to push people aside as she walked to the doorway. She stumbled near a knife carelessly abandoned under the slowly rotating body. She picked up the bloodstained weapon and began to hack at the rope that held Joel by the neck.

  “Suzanne.” Gabe was near her. His voice seemed to reach her ears from a distance. “Come away from here.” She continued to cut the rope until the body fell at her feet, a flesh-covered sack of bones. One hand draped itself across her left ankle, then slipped away.

  She stepped over the body into the large central room. No one was there. Unfinished metal devices were strewn across the floor. She heard footsteps clatter near her and turned around.

  Asenath Berry crouched on the stairway. Her blue eyes were hidden behind dark glasses. The redhead had a large knapsack on her back. Suzanne moved toward her, still holding the knife.

  “Wait!” shouted Asenath, holding up her arms. “He told us everything before he died—he admitted it—we made sure of that. He told them everything he knew about our group, about our plans. They promised him a reward.” Asenath continued to creep down the stairs. “He was a traitor, do you understand? He was looking out for himself.”

  The redhead was only a few feet away from her. Suzanne lunged toward Asenath, knocking her on her side. She lifted the knife. Asenath’s foot hit her hand, knocking the knife across the room. The redhead tried to climb to her feet. Suzanne grabbed the curly red hair and began to pull at it silently.

  Hands clawed at Suzanne’s legs. “Stop it!” Asenath was screaming. Holding the prostitute’s head with one hand, she started to punch her in the breasts.

  “For God’s sake!” Gabe’s big arms were around her, pulling her away from Asenath. She sagged against him, suddenly exhausted, staring at the clump of red hair in her left hand. Asenath got up and scrambled out the door.

  Gabe was shaking her by the shoulders. She managed to get free and saw the knife against the wall near the stairway. She picked it up and tucked it under her belt. Then she walked outside.

  The small crowd was still there. Ignoring them, she grabbed Joel’s feet and began to drag him along the pathway behind her. The people moved away from her, receding until she could see no faces, only blurs. She dragged Joel past the gray domes until she reached the side of the highway. She collapsed next to him, one arm across his chest.

  I should have been with you. She drew his head near her chest. I should have helped you. I didn’t even talk to you. I didn’t even try to find out what was wrong.

  She waited, watching the body, thinking that he would start to breathe again, that he would speak and hold out his arms to her. You once told me you were a survivor, you would live forever. He would hold onto her and she would take him back to the dome and help him recover.

  She waited. A few people hurried past her and on down the highway, toward the city. They were leaving, ready to make plans and take their chances away from the domed settlement.

  She waited. Joel did not move, did not speak. She began to dig his grave in the dirt, scratching at the soil with her knife and hands. She continued to dig until her hands were bleeding and her shoulders were stiff and sore.

  She looked up. The sun had drifted to the west. Joel was covered by evening shadows. Overhead, the silvery aircraft of the Aadae hummed past, heading for the city. She stood up, staggering a little, and watched them.

  The towers of the city gleamed. Several aircraft were hovering over them, insects over a crown. The sudden flash of light
almost blinded her. She stumbled backward, closing her eyes.

  When she opened them, she saw only blackened ruins where the city had been. Then the charred hulks collapsed before her eyes and she saw only a burned-out pit. Nearby, she could hear the strange mourning cry of the Aadae.

  She dropped to her knees and began once more to dig.

  Suzanne lay in her room. Now and then, she heard footsteps pass the door. Bits of conversation would drift from the main room up the stairs to her. She lay on her mat, her arms and legs held down by invisible bonds. Occasionally she slept.

  Time became waves washing over her gently. She floated, occasionally focusing her eyes on the ceiling. A dark shape with flaming hair leaned over her and she saw it was Neir-let. “We must finish our task,” the alien whispered. “Please help.” She closed her eyes and when she opened them again, the Aada had disappeared.

  Joel was near. She could tell that he was trying to be silent so he wouldn’t disturb her. He was rummaging in the kitchen, trying to cook the blueberry waffles he had surprised her with one Sunday morning. She turned on her side and saw Gabe sitting against the wall.

  “I didn’t know what they were going to do,” he said. “It was a trick, that girl taking me to her room; they knew I was his friend; they didn’t want me around.” She opened her mouth, trying to speak. Her lips were cracked and dry. Don’t worry, she wanted to say, you can stay for breakfast; Joel doesn’t mind. She closed her eyes and felt a wet cloth on her face.

  When she woke up again, she was lying under a long coat. Someone had removed her clothes. “I washed you off,” said Gabe. He was holding a glass of blue liquid. He lifted her head and helped her sip some of it.

  “How long have I been here?” she managed to ask.

  “Days. I thought you were going to die.” He put her head back on the mat.

  “No, I won’t die.” She looked at her arm on top of the coat. Her hands had become bony claws, the blue veins which covered her arm were a web. “I won’t die,” she said again, in despair.