by Meg Xuemei X
Kai loves this girl so much that he’d rather not have fame in order to keep her all for himself. He even hides her from me. What am I to him? An artificial sweetener—a substitute for real sugar? My vision blurs for a moment.
“Wait a minute! She looks familiar,” Pau says. Then he shrieks, “Oh my God! It’s the ice girl who sometimes walks under Kai’s window. Kai used to whistle at her, but she ignored him like he was an annoying insect.”
“She treats you like an insect!” Kai says outrageously. “She treats me with respect and—”
“In your dreams, maybe,” Pau says. “I can’t believe she’s your secret crush!”
“I remember that girl,” Randi says. “I thought she was an alien princess from Planet Neptune.”
“Planet what?” Pau asks.
“Neptune is the farthest planet from the Sun in our solar system,” Randi says. “It’s primarily composed of ice and rock.”
“Exactly.” Pau barks in laughter. “I tried to talk to the ice princess once, and she sent me this bone-chilling look that almost froze my butt off. That night I had a nightmare. If there’s any girl Kai can’t seduce, it’s that one.”
Kai made a portrait of me? My mind goes blank.
“She smiled for him,” Randi says.
“He imagined it,” Pau says. “The sun will come rise in the west if that girl cracks a smile.”
“Get out!” Kai shouts. Then a fight breaks out in the room again, this time way more serious. I hear the sounds of bodies crashing and footsteps staggering, and someone crashing onto the heavy wooden door. “Next time you make fun of her,” Kai says. “I’ll break your nose!”
“Cool off, mad man!” Randi says. “We’re leaving.”
“We know who she is now!” Pau calls from outside the door.
“Shut up, Pau,” Randi says. “He’s already upset!”
“He used to be a good sport,” Pau says.
“Ignore him, Kai,” Randi says. “Can I come back tomorrow and stay with you? I don’t want to stay with Pau anymore.”
“Fine!” Kai says. “Come back tomorrow then. Now go!”
“Should I bring a model?” Pau asks.
“Fine! Leave!” Kai says. I hear the door slamming. The studio rattles. Footsteps retreat.
I throw the blanket off me and rise just as Kai reaches the rear window. He picks me up, and the tiles under my feet break. Kai holds me in his arms like I’m the treasure that he’ll never let go of. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs.
“I’ve learned that my boyfriend has a soft heart. That’s what happened,” I say. My fingers locked around the back of his neck, my feet dangle in the air, and my eyes search for the portrait of me.
“You admit I’m your boyfriend?” He grins. “But you’re wrong about my heart. I consider myself a tough guy.”
I ruffle his hair.
“You should be mad at me for having to hide you on the rotten roof,” he says.
“You really have a low opinion of me,” I say. “Why would I be mad at you when it’s not your fault?”
He sets me down on the floor. “If you fell, I’d never forgive myself.”
“I’d forgive you.” I walk toward my portrait and squat down before the canvas—the girl’s full lips are soft and delicately shaped. Her skin is like a lovely, pale lily. Her chocolate brown eyes hold all the puzzles of the world. And her stunning smile wanders on the verge of light and darkness.
No one sees me the way Kai sees me, and no one ever will see me that way. He truly loves me! When the moment of truth hits me, the screen door between Kai and me breaks, and I no longer look at love through glass.
“You didn’t want me to paint you,” Kai says with an uncertain look. “But I couldn’t resist it. I want you here with me all the time. When you’re not around and I miss you, I can look at her—you.”
“She looks nice, but you didn’t get her eye—my eye color right,” I say.
“Your eye color changes in different lights and mood.” He smiles. “I told you that you’re one of those who has a thousand looks. I never thought I’d meet someone like that.”
I ponder for a while. “I want you to show it to the public.”
Kai snaps his head to me. The reflection of the light through the window changes the specks in his eyes to fire amber, intensifying his gaze. I catch my breath.
“You’ll let me do that?” he asks.
“I’ll let you do anything that’s good for your career,” I say.
“You care about me more than I expected, Xire,” he says.
“Don’t be so sure,” I say.
A sudden cold blast sweeps across the room through the front window, sending a chill over me. The white, silk curtain billows in the wind.
“The window!” My voice squeaks.
He rushes toward the window, peeking out first before pulling back the panes. When he turns to me, he looks grim.
With a sinking feeling, I make my way toward him and look out through the thin curtain. My mother sits on a chair on the living room balcony, her eyes boring into Kai’s studio.
Blood drains from my face. I thought she’d ventured out to her Mahjong games, but that was just a trick. She was waiting for me to make a move. She even sacrificed her games, expecting a big reward—to catch me on the spot. Kai’s friends’ obnoxiously loud comments about the ice girl must have confirmed her suspicion. Unfortunately, there isn’t another ice girl in town.
I regard the woman. She wasn’t always a temptress. I remember a period when she loved to take me with her to the village where she was born, to show off her town woman’s status, which she gained through marrying my father. The village people would shower me with sweet rice wrapped in leaves. I used to have a good time with her.
When I turned seven, she turned into a bulldog. At that time, my brother was already a teen. Rumor had it he was involved in a local gang. She knew better than to pick on him. Besides, in Chinese tradition, girls are disposable, but boys carry the family flag.
My sister didn’t have my brother’s advantage in birthright either, so she took another route to make my mother leave her alone. Whenever she was physically punished, she’d cry from midnight to dawn like a little pig being led to the slaughterhouse. Our unhappy neighbors would file up to our door and ask my mother not to discipline her children in the middle of the night. My red-faced mother explained to them that she had slapped my sister at noon, but the ridiculous girl picked midnight to exact her revenge.
I was tempted to use the same means to get my mother off my back, but my pride got in the way. I wasn’t a copycat. And what worked for my sister might not work for me. She had great lung capacity and could easily emit shrieking vocal sounds for hours while I was cursed with a low, husky voice.
Soon I realized the only way for me to stop being the woman’s sole punching bag was to get the hell out of her house. When she threatened to sell me to strangers, my heart leapt with delightful expectation. For months, I stood outside the door before supper, eagerly waiting for anyone to come claim me.
My wish almost came true when I was near seven. An acquaintance of my mother’s started visiting us frequently. She had a pair of gentle, sad eyes. She made the best pancakes, with crispy white flowers between the crusts.
“I went to the cliff to pluck the wild flowers, so I could make flower pancakes for you,” she said.
“For me?” I asked in wonderment, wolfing down the delicious pancakes on my plate.
Sitting by my side, she nodded and watched me with a doting smile. “Yes, only for you.” Her smile broadened.
“But why are my brother and sister also eating your pancakes?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you stop them?”
She let out a soft laughter. “Don’t you worry, Xire. I have plenty for you. I’ll always have plenty for you.”
“Thank you.” My grin turned to a frown when I noticed my sister and brother take more pancakes from the big plate on the table. “I just don’t want them to take advantage of
your niceness.”
She laughed more. “My Xire,” she said, brushing a strand of sweat-soaked hair from my left eye, and then she pulled out a handkerchief to wipe the sweat from my forehead.
I hoped I could be hers.
I began to look forward to her every visit. I liked seeing the fondness toward me in her eyes. Of course, I wanted her flower pancakes too. And she promised me she’d always have plenty for me.
One day she didn’t come. I waited the whole day and constantly checked with my mother why the nice lady missed her visit and when she would come again. Until my mother’s palm landed square on my face.
The lady never visited again. I was disappointed for a long time, more in myself than in her for the abandonment. I thought I could be loveable when I saw the way she looked at me.
Before my sister left for college, she came to talk to me about the pancake lady. “She never came back for you,” she said, “You never knew that she was supposed to adopt you, right?”
I shook my head no.
“Mother agreed,” she said. “I was so jealous that you would live with the nice lady, who loved you. But she killed herself the night before she was supposed to come and take you with her.”
I didn’t speak for a while. “Why did she—do it?”
“I don’t know.” My sister studied my face. “No one knew.”
Although all I wanted was to cry, I maintained an impassive composure. I’d vowed that no one would ever get a reaction from me.
I remove my stare from my birth mother and step back from the window. “She’s going to sit there the whole day,” I say.
“We’ll wait her out.” Kai regards my mother. “She’ll have to go to bed at some point.”
“Yes, she will,” I say.
“You’ll be all right.” His calloused thumb moves across my face, taking some of the edge off. “And I’ve got a good plan.”
After I squeeze into the oak wood chest, Kai pulls the front door open. I hear him stomp from the studio. A moment later, his bright whistle breaks through the air from under his window, but then trails off, announcing his temporary exit.
The door remains wide open for my mother to have a good look inside. Five minutes later—it feels like an hour—Kai’s whistles appear again, expelling my dark mood. Then he’s in the studio, playing one of my favorite songs in the stereo—“Time Flows, Love Stays.”
Through the crack of the chest door he left open for me to have air, I see him standing before the easel, scraping paint off the canvas.
I try to adjust my position to make myself more comfortable, but I can’t move an inch. I’ve grown a lot over the past few months. I don’t let my mind dwell on my discomfort, but instead focus on coming up with a plan to cope with my mother. So much for no complications before college!
Before the daylight slips away, Kai turns on the light. No sooner does he shut the door and windows again, before I shoulder open the chest door and struggle out.
Kai massages my numb limbs and sore muscles. “Your mother’s still there. She isn’t giving up,” he says. “I’ll have to leave you alone for a while, my love. If she sees that I’ve left, then there’s no reason for her to stand guard like a watchdog.”
I nod. “We must deliver the message that there’s no bone here.”
“You’re the juiciest bone to me, so I just couldn’t help but keep coming back to you.” He smiles, and I realize how much I’ve missed his sunny look.
I press my hand against his face. “Don’t let me wait too long.” I remove my hand.
“I’ll come back in an hour with food,” he says. “What would you like? Seafood? Noodles?”
“Seafood noodles,” I say.
He pushes a lock of my hair away from my eye. “I love you, Xire.”
My heart stops for a beat and then races again. My chest aches with a sweetness I’ve never tasted before, and I swallow hard. “Fine,” I say.
His smile broadens. This is the first time I respond when he professes his love for me. I’m not happy with the dull sound of “fine,” but I’m still not sure how to react to his passion.
“What will you do after I leave?” he asks. “I don’t want you to be bored.”
“I know how to kill time,” I say. “Maybe I’ll take a nap.” I dart my eyes to his king-sized bed at the far side of the room.
He follows my sight and then gazes back at me. A raw, wild look cruises in his smoldering eyes. Heat rises to my cheeks, spreading to my ears. I involuntarily part my lips. It’s become difficult for me to mask my emotions in front of him, and he’s getting better every day at capturing my true feelings.
Instead of leaving, he throws himself into the sofa and pulls me onto his lap, his cheeks rubbing against my hair. My spine melds against his chest. We fit so well and so naturally, and our hearts pound as one.
“Kai,” I say, struggling to be the stronger and crueler one.
“Yes?” he whispers in my ear in anticipation.
“Go.” I force the words out. “The longer you stay, she stays.” Curling my fingers to fists to give myself strength, I slip off his lap.
“We aren’t fugitives, but we act like criminals. One day we won’t hide anymore!” He strides in reluctance toward the door. Before he pulls it open, he turns with a slow smile. “Should I tuck you in?”
I wave for him to leave in exasperation, but when the bottom of his black overcoat flaps in the wind at the open doorway, all I want is to run to him and pull him back and beg him to stay and never leave me.
The door clicks. Kai leaves.
For a moment, I don’t know what to do next. A voice tempts me to go through every piece of his personal stuff. Kai’s voice echoes in my mind, “Xirena, anything you want, take it—I’ve given you my heart. What else won’t I give you?”
After pacing in his studio for several minutes, I abort the plan of rummaging through his belongings. I end up in his bed, burying my face in his pillow, and inhaling his intoxicating, lingering scent. As the evening deepens, I order myself to get up, not wanting him to catch me in a weak moment. I idle toward the window and look through the curtain. My mother still hovers on the balcony like an angry vulture.
On the shelf, I find a popular novel that blends martial arts and romance, and start reading it. When I’m half through chapter three, my mother deserts her post.
Lights glare from her kitchen and dining room. My family must be having supper. This could be the perfect time for me to race down the long, open corridor and disappear into the shadows of the night. But I hold back. Saturday is the big Mahjong day. My mother already sacrificed the afternoon’s game for nothing. I bet she won’t let her big night go to waste when the prospect of catching me has turned out to be unpromising. For starters, she never saw me enter Kai’s studio in person, and after all the stunts Kai and I have pulled off today, she is unsure whether I’m hiding inside. Otherwise, she’d have banged on Kai’s door to shame and punish me in public.
Half an hour later, my parents exit the apartment building, heading toward their games. My mother trains her eyes on Kai’s door, gnashing her teeth. I smirk behind the curtain. Catch me if you can, witch.
Putting on my disguise, I wait for seven minutes and then dash out of Kai’s studio. As soon as I get home, I shrug off my brother’s old overcoat and bury it under the old shoes in the box.
I move to the kitchen and take a small helping of the leftovers. While I’m eating, Kai’s whistle breaks through the air. I fly to my room, turn on the light, and stand by my window.
I watch him open his door. A second later, he leans against his window and gazes up at me. He looks relieved, but then ache of pining etches his face.
The seven yards between us is the expanse of a silent sea that we can’t cross. It reminds me of the fate of Vega and Altair.
In Chinese folklore, Altair is the Cowboy, and Vega the Weaving Maid. The Weaving Maid weaves silk robes of excellent quality for Heaven. When she falls in love with the Cowboy, she
abandons her position to be with him. Heaven doesn’t like it and puts the Milky Way between them. Only on the seventh day of the seventh month of every year are the lovers able to cross the vast sixteen light-years of the Milky Way and spend a night together.
That night in my dream, Kai crosses the Milky Way and finds me. He sits on my window, stroking his guitar, singing a new song he wrote for me “I Dance with Her in the Forest.”
With my cheeks resting on my palms, I gaze at him, outlining his sensational eyes and his kissable lips in my mind. A violent wind blows, wiping the smile off his face and breaking the music. Kai plummets from the high window.
“No!” I lunge toward him, bending myself over the windowsill. I grab his wrist just in time, but he’s too heavy. My breath labors, but I won’t let him go. He starts loosening his grip, not wanting to drag me down with him. But I’d rather fall together.
“Don’t quit on me, Kai!” I shout.
A hand grabs my hair, forcing me backwards, pulling me away from Kai. “No! No! Kai!” I cry. I kick, fight, and scream while still clutching Kai’s wrist. My efforts are failing. The pain is so severe I suspect my scalp is tearing from my skull. Kai’s fingers slide from mine.
I scream again, fluttering open my eyes. It isn’t a dream anymore. My mother has dragged me out of bed. I stand barefoot in my old, ragged underpants, my hair still tight in her grip.
I don’t know what is worse: the pain radiating from my head, the icy air in the room, or my mother’s cheap, suffocating perfume.
The woman suddenly lets go of me. While I’m still disoriented, the back of her hand slaps across my face. I duck, and the hit falls between the juncture of my jaw and neck, whipping my head to the side.
“Where were you today?” she asks. Anger distorts her face.
I take a moment to right myself. “Doing homework at GaoHong’s house,” I say. My face is expressionless despite the pain.
“Liar!” she hisses. “The neighbors saw you coming out of the devil boy’s room the moment I left with your father.”
“They must have been mistaken.” I adopt a bored tone. “The neighbors live on vicious gossip like leeches on blood.” I intend to be provocative. I want her to get over with punching me rather than talk me to death.
