by Meg Xuemei X
“You even called his name in your dream!” she curses. “You’re only fourteen and already a bitch dog in heat!” She finally gets to use that corny phase on me.
“Now tell me: has he touched you? Have you laid with him?” Her eyes roam over me and then fix on my breasts.
An image flashes by me. I once saw a pair of dogs mating in the street on my way to school. Adults used sticks to beat the beasts to separate them, but the animals stubbornly, boldly carried on their passion in public.
How dare this woman compare Kai and me to the mating dogs? How dare she defile the pure love between us? Rage boils under my skin.
For the first time, I fail to escape into my mental fortitude. I can’t picture blossoms fading in the wind or their fragrance lingering in the air. I can’t summon the migraine birds and send them to the Milky Way to bridge the path for Vega and Altair. I can’t go back to my ice castle either, for I threw the key away the first day Kai made me laugh.
A satisfied, mocking smirk pulls at the corner of the woman’s mouth. She finally makes me react. “Don’t think for a minute I don’t know what’s going on around my house. You look different ever since you shamelessly crawled into his bed and spread your legs for him. And you’ve grown more than four inches in less than four months. You boobs are like a sixteen-year-old’s now. Did he suck your tits?”
Catching the agony in my eyes, she flashes another victorious smile, but it doesn’t last, when she sees undisguised hatred burning in my eyes.
“How dare you!” She drives her fist into my jaw, sending me crashing against the wall. I taste something salty and metallic on my tongue before my head hits the concrete. Stars twirl in front of me in vast blackness.
She probably has broken one or two of my teeth.
I rise, wiping a flow of blood from my mouth with the back of my hand, locking my loathing look on her, daring her to try again. My fists form tightly at my sides. My teeth bare, my nostrils flare, and my body tenses like a bowstring. I’m ready to fight her until my last breath.
“You look at me like that again, I’ll gouge out your eyes!” she says with all-consuming viciousness.
“Come and get me.” I bite every word. The murder in my eyes has turned into a razor, ready to cut through anything, flesh or steel, in my way. I, Xirena, am not a scared little girl anymore.
She flinches. “You’ve brought shame to my house, you little whore!” And then she flees from my room. That’s a first. That moment, I realize that all bullies are cowards in disguise.
I slam the door shut. When I return to bed, my body is colder than ice, yet my head, my jaw, and my gums throb with unbearable pain. Under the old comforter, I’m shaking with fury.
Despite my exhaustion, I can’t fall back to sleep. I’d rather stay awake, so I won’t be jerked awake again or face with another nightmare.
At dawn, I doze off. A tapping on the door wakes me up. Cold light floods into my room and surrounds me. My father pushes open the door and stands at the doorway, glancing at me and quickly averting his eye. “Xirena, we’d like you to have breakfast with us.” He hesitates, then stalks further into my room, puts a small orange on my desk, exhales in relief, and exits as if he’s just accomplished a thorny task.
I know his wife sent him. The fruit is from her. Sometimes when she registers that she’s gone too far, she would put an orange or cookie on my desk. I’ve never taken her comfort snack. I receive her punch without cringing but never accept her pathetic display of crocodile-like kindness.
After I wash myself, I sling my schoolbag over my shoulder and walk through the dining room. From the corner of my eye, I see a bowl of porridge with a fried egg on top, a Chinese pork bun on a plate, and a cup of soymilk waiting for me.
“Come to eat, Xirena,” my mother commands.
“I’m going to school,” I answer coldly. Even hearing her voice makes my stomach sick.
“Do you really hate me that much?” she asks. “I may be strict sometimes, but everything I’ve done is for you. I discipline you, so you won’t make a horrible mistake. If you get knocked up, your whole life will be ruined. Do you understand?”
I head toward the door. She bounces up from her seat, following me. “Xirena.” Her voice chokes with emotion. “I don’t know how it came to this. All these years, all I’ve wanted is for you to bend a little. But you never bend. You won’t bend. Now I know. You’re too much like me.”
I do bend. I just don’t bend to people like her. “I’m nothing like you,” I say. I run down the stairs, three at a time.
“You’re my daughter, my own flesh and blood—” I hear her sobbing. Water is cheap.
I’m done with her, with my family.
CHINESE PORCELAIN
Kai’s graceful whistle of Auld Lang Syne has been summoning me for two days. I don’t move an inch in my cell.
I mistook myself for ice and unbreakable metal. It turns out I’m just broken Chinese porcelain. The moment I let Kai in, I became vulnerable. The light, heat, and bliss he brought into my world disarmed me, so my enemy found a way into my fortress.
I’ll have to let Kai go, for I’m planning to leave town. There is no need to burden him. I don’t know where I’ll go, but I don’t care. If cave women could survive thousands of years ago, so will I.
I still go to school.
On the second day, the twins wearing identical long, flowery skirts and high heels walk toward me while I sit under a tree, eating a cold bun for lunch. For the first time, their pack isn’t with them.
I shoot a weary look at the lunch boxes in their hands. Egg-noodles steam inside. The possible scene I anticipate involves—the twins throwing hot noodles in my face to avenge what happened in Kai’s studio the other day. I dare them to act, for I want trouble and I’ll make sure they eat those noodles along with dirt.
My eyes locking on them, I shift my position, ready to jump out of the hot noodles’ way, should they come flying.
Several feet away, Sha Sha stops, turning to her twin. “I’d like to have a word with Xirena alone.”
“I don’t like it,” the devil twin grunts. “I don’t trust her!”
“She’s okay,” Sha Sha says, hands her twin her lunch box and approaches me alone.
I stop chewing and lean against the trunk of the tree, regarding her. I don’t greet her or invite her to join me.
She bends her knees slightly, but after she glances at the patch of the untidy grass across from me, she straightens, not willing to let dirt and twigs get stuck to her skirt. “How’s his hand?” she asks. “Is he all right?”
I don’t want to explain that Kai and I are no longer seeing each other, so I simply say, “He’s fine.”
“He terrified me last night,” she says. “I’ve never seen him that cra . . . mad. I didn’t recognize him anymore. If you know the gentle and loving and fun Kai I know, then you know what I mean.”
“I find a wild Kai appealing,” I say, but I wear a blank expression. The image of a ferociously jealous Kai flashes before me, turning me on again. “But it was the first time he acted like that,” I add. “The trick is not to provoke him if you don’t want to see him in a fit of passion.”
“I’ve never provoked him,” she says with a look of accusation. Then she sighs. “He said you’re the only girl who makes him feel his every cell come alive. I didn’t believe that until I saw you two together. I saw how he looked at you. He’s never looked at me the way. He’s never looked at any girl that way. That’s when I knew I would never have him, at least not the way I want him.” Her eyes inspect me. “And you looked . . . different when you were with him.”
“To want is better than to have,” I say. And then I decide to be even kinder. “Kai and I have parted ways.”
She blinks in surprise. Then a blend of delight and ruefulness appears on her face. “Why?” she asks. “I thought nothing and no one could separate him from you.”
“He’s better off with any other girl than me,” I say.
<
br /> “I’m sorry to hear that.” Despite her intention to show more sympathy, her voice is eager and sincere. “But Xirena, you’re doing the right thing. I hate to see him break his mother’s heart, and I don’t want to see the whole town against you.”
“I don’t give a damn about the whole town,” I say. “But Kai will come to his senses and forget about me. Right now, he could use a friend.” I feel a knot in my throat as I picture Kai in Sha Sha’s arms, comforted by her.
She nods at me with appreciation. “Thank you.” She walks back to her twin, whispering something and leaving her sister. Without looking back, she sprints in the direction of the school entrance. I know she’s running to Kai.
“Don’t you want to have your lunch first? How am I going to eat them all?” her twin calls after her, but Sha Sha is gone. Ta Sha turns to me, but then quickly averts her eyes and walks off, her heels clicking on the ground with brittle sounds.
I squeeze the half-eaten bun to a lump. Despite my hunger, I have no appetite anymore.
* * *
At night I pack.
The whistle of Auld Lang Syne blares outside my door. Kai’s here.
My heart aches with unquenchable yearning, so I find myself an excuse to see him: I should at least extend him the courtesy of saying a proper goodbye. Before I open the door, I warn myself not to fall back into the makeup routine with him. I’ll not let him sink with the ship.
Standing before me, Kai looks even worse than I. I’ve never seen him so ragged. His ebony hair is untidy, a lock of it dangling over the corner of his wild, bloodshot eyes. Faint bluish circles under his eyes overshadow his usually bright complexion.
I want to ask whether he’s slept, but I bite my tongue. I must stick to my promise of a brief farewell. His torn, edgy beauty touches me in a way I can’t describe. Drawing in a breath, I still myself, trying to mask my desire. I also vanquish a small hint of glee in my eyes. Evidently, Sha Sha’s persuasion failed again.
His stormy look wanes. But then quickly, dark fire returns to his weary eyes and burns like coal, replacing the delight at the first sight of me. “What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?” he demands.
“It’s not you.” I use the classical breakup line. “It’s me. You’ll do better than me. Goodbye, Kai, and take care.”
“Goodbye?” he asks harshly. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I won’t see you again. I’m not interested in you anymore.” I lick my dry lips. “I have to go.” Before I swing the door shut, he forces it back. I stumble, shooting him a hostile look. Let him hate me, then it’ll be easier for him to move on.
His hard-muscled chest rises up and down. The crossed look in his eyes morphs to anguish. I look down at the floor before my feet. My hand shakes slightly on the doorframe, unwilling but ready to close the door between us forever.
“Xire,” he says. The way he says my name still has the power to make my blood zip.
“What?” I say in a low, weak voice. “I really have to go.” But my body is reluctant to leave him. “Please just go.”
With a resigned sigh, he moves a step closer to me. “You gotta break this pattern of pushing me away for no reason. I wouldn’t have come if I knew your heart didn’t want me. But even if I’m a spring, I’ll lose the ability to stretch if you keep compressing me and bending me and then releasing me. One day I’ll not be able to come back for you, and we both might regret that we’ll never be together.” He sounds beaten and much older than his age. As he reaches out to cup my face, I turn my cheek to the side. I crave his touch more than anything, but I can’t bear to let him touch me now.
His hand freezes in the air. The warmth and longing that were in his eyes a moment ago vanish into thin air. In their places, murder blazes. “Who?!” he asks coldly, colder than steel. His face turns a hard marble.
“Who did this to you?!” he thunders.
I should have worn a scarf like I did during the day. I step back, about to turn away, but he has grabbed me. His iron strength anchors me, and his other hand gentle slides beneath my chin, lifting it slightly. His stare fixes on the deep purple bruises that crawl under my jaw and neck, which vandalize me like a huge, ugly cobweb.
“Who is the monster that hurt you?!” His fury is like the wrath of lightning, terrifying and unpredictable. I’ve never seen him like this. The sunshine boy has become a maelstrom.
“I fell,” I say.
“You did not fall! Someone did this to you!” he shouts.
“It’s nothing,” I say. “I fell!”
“You’re everything to me. So don’t tell me it’s nothing when you—” He pauses to contain himself. “Who hit you? I’ll not go away until I find out!”
I have no intention of having lightning explode right here and now, and I certainly don’t need any surprises interrupting my plan to leave tonight. “Wait for me in the Nest,” I say.
“I’m going to crush his skull with my bare hands for what he did to you!” he swears menacingly. “I’m not leaving! You’re not safe.”
“I’m safe for the moment,” I say. “I’ll meet you at the Nest in seven minutes, and I’ll tell you everything.”
Cold fumes still burn beneath his eyes. He brushes my cheeks with his calloused fingertips, gentler than he’s ever been.
“Please go now,” I plead.
“I’ll come back for you if I don’t see you in five minutes. No one can stop me, not even you.” With that promise, he storms off.
I return to my room and quickly stuff all of my belongings—my textbooks, two sets of old winter outfits, and an old blanket— into my backpack.
ONE TRUE LOVE
A gust of bitter wind works its way through my coat and the layers of my clothes. Its sting is worse in the Ducklings’ Nest, as if it believes it can blow a cluster of stars from the sky and send them plummeting to Earth.
A dark silhouette stands still under a barren tree, unmoved by the howling wind. Only his black, wool overcoat flutters rapidly, indicating that its owner is of flesh.
At the sight of me, Kai breaks his stillness and strides toward me with urgency. I breathe hard to quiet my drumming heartbeat.
Without a word, he pulls me into a crushing embrace. I drop my backpack. All resistance leaves me. I bury my face under his chin to obtain warmth and strength. His scent of fresh mint and paints, blending with the smell of midnight and deep earth, blankets me like the safe forest I love. I try not to breath for a moment, but my lungs have filled with the scent of him and beg for more.
I shiver in his hold, overwhelmed by the feelings toward him that I still don’t want to admit to. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m leaving. I won’t be seeing him again after tonight.
He opens his coat and wraps me inside. The heat from his body radiates into mine. “I won’t leave you, Xire,” he says. “I won’t let you become ice again.”
I stiffen. “Do you pity me?”
“Can’t you tell love from pity?” he asks in a reproachful voice.
The love he has for me floods back and once again exorcises the madness of my hatred of the whole world. Fierce longing for him explodes in every fiber of my being. My arms creep around his waist and hold on tightly.
He adjusts his position to make me more comfortable and then presses me closer against his hard chest. “I love you more than life, Xirena. I’ve found you and I’ll never let you leave my side.” He bends his head and buries his face in my hair, as if he can’t get enough of my scent. “You’re my world.” He breathes warm air onto my skin. “You’re the blood that flows in me.”
And I know now, without him, my heart won’t beat like a human. I’ll not be human.
He soon notices my wobbly legs. I’ve been suffering from sleepless nights and exhaustion and starvation. “You need to sit down,” he says. Without waiting for my response, he swings my backpack onto his shoulder, sweeps me off my feet, and carries me to our usual spot. Having settled himself down on the trunk of a fall
en tree, he puts me on his lap.
“Now tell me.” Though his voice is gentle, it sounds more dangerous than when he was in his wrath. “Who hurt you?”
I tell him. I tell him I’ve been living in terror under my mother’s roof, afraid that every small move of mine will cause an attack from that woman.
It’s not easy for me to open up, but I trust Kai, and I want him to know me as no one has known me before.
My tone is flat, my voice devoid of emotion, but I’m watching every subtle shift in his eyes and every muscle movement on his face. There isn’t much change on his marble-like face, but his eyes blacken to the deepest shade of the darkest place.
I squeeze his arm to call him back. This hard, cold Kai unnerves me. I used to be ice, but I don’t want this sunshine boy to turn into a block of inhuman ice too.
“I’m not mad at you, love,” he says. “I’m mad at them; I’m madder at myself. How could I be so blind and deaf? How could I not know earlier?”
“Your music is always booming in your studio, so how could you hear? I always wrapped myself tightly, so how could you see?” I say. “It’s not logical for you to be angry at yourself when you hold no responsibility for any of this.”
Gently cupping my face, he peers into my eyes. “Are there other bruises on your body?” He’d have examined me if I were in his studio.
I give a small nod.
He turns his face away, but I’ve caught tears glinting in his dark golden eyes. He stays motionless for a while; only the arch of his throat moves up and down.
Nesting in his arms, comforted by his body heat, I doze off, until he rocks me awake. With my eyes half-open, I listen to the harsh wind punishing the barren trees.
“I want you to come to stay with me,” Kai says.
The sleepiness flickers from my eyes.
He draws back from me to look at my face. “I won’t allow you to be under that woman’s care anymore!” he then curses my mother, his eyes burning again.
