Bonds of Need

by Lynda Aicher

  Kendra smiled. The distractions were nice, but more importantly they meant safety. She always did her runs during the day in areas full of people. Headphones were also out. She wanted to hear the footsteps that approached from behind, not be surprised by them.

  She checked her watch then upped her pace, loving the way her heart rated increased with the extra push at the end of a run. It broke the rhythm, put her body into an erratic jumble that matched her emotions and oddly made her feel balanced, which was a rarity in her life.

  Coming around a bend in the path, she saw him jogging toward her when it was already too late to turn around or dodge down another trail. He’d seen her too. Even though he was still a ways away, it was clear Deklan’s focus was on her. It’d been over two weeks since she’d fled from him at The Den; maybe he would ignore her. A moment later he smiled and gave a wave, causing her to almost stumble over her own feet.

  Not a fan of the whole damsel-in-distress scenario, Kendra slowed her stride before she did fall and make a complete fool of herself. She’d already done that in front of him once.

  Etiquette kicked in, and she managed a short wave back. Maybe he’d just jog on by. It wasn’t like they had a real reason to chat. Just because she’d let him spank her then freaked out in his club didn’t give them grounds for a friendship. Hell, they barely qualified as acquaintances.

  The fact that she wanted to talk to him had her running faster again. But there was nothing coordinated or soothing about her gait now.

  When he reached her on the path, Deklan executed a simple U-turn and came up on her right, matching her stride. She was instantly aware of him, her entire side tingling with the undercurrent of electricity that seemed to flow unseen between them.

  “Hi,” she panted, glancing his way. She knew she had to say something and that was about all she could manage around her stuttering mind. What did he want?

  He didn’t answer. In fact, he didn’t even look at her. He just stared straight ahead, keeping pace with her. His silence was more unsettling than the effects of breathing in his rich, woodsy scent. He smelled of sweat and man and reminded her way too much of their Scene in the Dungeon. She’d done her best to avoid him since that night. It hadn’t been hard, given that he worked nights and she rarely left her condo after dark unless it was for work.

  Now here he was, being normal and silent, acting as if they did this all the time. She gave him another side glance, trying to figure him out. His gray long-sleeved running shirt hugged his muscled torso and was darkened with sweat down his chest and under his arms, indicating he’d been out for a while. But he showed no other signs of exertion.

  Her pulse quickened with appreciation for his well-toned form. She was certain he was older than her by a good ten years, but he hadn’t let his body deteriorate. Not even a bit. Instantly she flashed back to the feel of his hard chest pressed against her back, his muscled thighs supporting his weight as he made her writhe in ecstasy.

  Clenching her lips, Kendra forced her attention back to the path, reminding herself that she couldn’t be attracted to this man. To any man, for that matter. There was just too much risk involved.

  Another five minutes, and she finally slowed to a cool-down pace, hoping the silent partner at her side would continue on without her. He didn’t. Slowing, he stayed with her.

  Once her breathing was regulated enough to carry a conversation, Kendra finally crumbled and asked, “Did you need something?”

  “No.” His voice was steady, not even a hint of breathlessness showing from his workout. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Never better,” she lied. The words easily repeated after months of practice.

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Why should I care?”

  She felt his gaze on her as he finally looked her way. “I want to help you.”

  “I don’t need any help.” Another almost-lie. The truth was, she didn’t know if she could accept any help.

  “Yes. You do,” Deklan said with conviction, not a hint of doubt or hesitation in the firm words.

  He slowed then stopped, and she was tempted to keep on running, but something compelled her to follow his lead. Maybe she was just tired of running—both physically and mentally.

  She rested her hands on her thighs and filled her lungs with slow, measured intakes of air before stepping onto the grass to start her cool-down routine. Ignoring his arrogant insistence, Kendra exhaled into a lunge, the burn of the stretch absorbing her focus.

  “I can help you if you let me.”

  Focus snapped. “How? What can you help me with?” Typical arrogant male, she grumbled to herself. They always thought they knew what the weak little female needed. She switched legs, leaning heavily onto her thigh to increase the pull along her calf.

  Deklan lifted his arms over his head, using one hand to pull on the elbow of the other to stretch his triceps. “I can help you accept what you need.” His voice was low and intimate, despite his casual actions.

  She studiously ignored the display of rippled abs that peeked out from under his shirt as he stretched. “What I need is for you to leave me alone.”

  “No,” he countered before bending at the waist to stretch the backs of his legs. His fingers hit the grass and he walked his hands forward until his head was next to hers. His blue eyes held hers, preventing her from looking away. “What you need is pain.”

  Did he really just say that? She stared at him, searching for the joke or, worse, the snide dig that was bound to come next. Instead she found concern and an unwavering belief in what he’d said.

  “No.” The denial was automatic, the rising panic just as reflexive.

  He kneeled before her. Immediately she was reminded of him posing just like that next to the spanking bench. The look on his face was almost identical to then, with all that patience and compassion showing in his eyes. “There’s no shame in admitting it.”

  Oh-so simple for him to say. She wobbled, having forgotten her stretch, and let her knee bend to brace against the grass. Giving a quick look around to ensure their privacy, she straightened her back and faced Deklan with all of the challenge that she felt. “What do you know? One spanking session with me, and now you think you know what I need?”

  He didn’t flinch away, not that she thought he would. He wasn’t that kind of man. His voice was hard and smooth as granite when he spoke. “You told me you need the pain to come.”

  Right. She closed her eyes, blocking his knowing look. Embarrassment flooded her face in a wave of heat that she hoped was camouflaged by the flush from her run. There was nothing to say to that. No way to counter the statement, and denial was pointless.

  She pushed to a stand and started back to her condo, the clipped stride nothing more than a cool-down walk. But of course he didn’t let her flee. Once again he was at her side, matching her pace and ruffling her composure.

  “Who did this to you?”

  His question seemed out of the blue, but she knew what he was talking about. After all, it was the giant effing elephant between them. But she couldn’t answer. The words stuck in her throat, which was clogged with shame, guilt and mortification.

  “Kendra.” He grabbed her hand, and an instant jolt of awareness shot up her arm. He eased to a stop and again she followed his lead before he stepped in front of her, his broad chest blocking her view. “Look at me.”

  She didn’t want to. God, she didn’t want to. She bit her cheek and willed herself to ignore the command. But she couldn’t. Every ingrained compulsion made her lift her chin until her eyes met his. The look of appreciation that covered his face was unexpected.

  “There’s nothing wrong with you.” When she started to look away, he grabbed her chin to stop her. She winced, expecting the hard pinch of fingers at her error. When he simply caressed her jawline with long, slow stokes of his thumb, she tentatively returned her eyes to his. Only then did he continue speaking. “I want to help you see that.”

  “Why?” She di
dn’t understand why he’d even be interested in helping her. “You don’t even know me.”

  “Because I want to.”

  She froze. His simple, straightforward answer didn’t appear to have any hidden meanings. No secret motives or ulterior goals that would trap her. Still she doubted. “But why?”

  “Because I see you, Kendra.” His tone was so certain. Strong without being commanding.

  Her breath hitched and the air caught in her lungs, as if her subconscious was trying to hold on to the words and all they offered. In the distance a group of birds chirped and sang in tune with the crying of a baby, but it all came to her as a muffled backdrop.

  “Really? And what do you see?” She tried to inflict doubt and cynicism into her voice, but it sounded weak even to her own ears.

  His thumb continued to play on her jaw as his lips curled in that half-smile, his dimple showing. She couldn’t look away even if she’d wanted to. “I see a courageous woman who is lost. Someone did you wrong. My guess is he used the guise of BDSM to abuse you until you felt ashamed of your need for sexual pain.” He searched her face, brushing the loose strands of hair away from her temple. The touch so light, so...caring. A brief flash of uncertainty marred his brow before it smoothed away as quickly as it came. “I’m also betting this man encouraged your need for pain while condemning it at the same time. And worst of all, he turned around and blamed you for making him do it.”

  The knife turned in her chest, the invisible wound bleeding with fresh pain. How could he possibly know that? Was she that transparent? No, damn it. He wasn’t going to manipulate her that easily.

  She pulled away from Deklan’s grasp, surprised when he let her go. “What do you know?” she snapped, pushing past him to get away.

  The light pressure of his hand on her arm was all it took to stop her from passing him. She stilled, even though she was itching to flee from everything he represented. But she was stalled by that one lone touch that seemed to tremble ever so slightly.

  “I’ve known both, Kendra,” he said, his voice low, like he was remembering as well as telling. “The pain from an abuser and the pain received from a sadist. They’re very different. One brings shame. The other pleasure. You know that. Otherwise you wouldn’t have done the Scene at the club with me.” He paused as another runner sprinted past, head bobbing in time with the beat of his headphones. “But you don’t believe it.”

  Kendra stared straight ahead, concentrating on the man playing with his black lab in the grassy field fifty feet away. The simple game of fetch reminded her how cyclical life was. Out and back, retrieve and return, over and over until you dropped from exhaustion.

  Deklan’s answer was so close to the truth. He had half her story pieced together after only one Scene. How much would he figure out after another?

  He stayed at her side, facing the other way, but his fingers continued to skim over the sensitive area of her inner arm through the thin material of her running shirt. Only a light pressure, a touch that was comforting. Not frightening in its aggression, but terrifying as hell in the temptation it stirred.

  “I want to show you that until you believe it,” Deklan continued, his voice hoarse. “We can sign a contract, lay down rules beforehand. I’ll do whatever you want to make you feel safe. But you shouldn’t fear what you need. You shouldn’t be ashamed of something that brings you pleasure. Let me show you how it can be. How it should be.”

  “And how’s that, Deklan?” The warring factions of denial and desire battled within her, making her bristle with indignation. “You gonna whip me a few times until I come? Tell me what a good girl I am before you slap me across the face? Maybe you’ll go for the nipple torture, squeeze them until I cry and then release the pressure, making me come instantly? Is that what you want to show me? Well, I’ve done all that.” Her crude answer was meant to make him leave. No Dom wanted a snotty sub. And damn it, she didn’t want what he offered. She couldn’t want that.

  “And there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to admit that you liked it.” He was staring at her now. She could feel his gaze drilling holes in the side of her head. But she refused to look at him, to let him see how incredibly close he was to the truth. “Not all of it,” he continued. “But there was enough of it that you enjoyed. Enough that it brought you back to a sex club even though I bet you swore to yourself you’d never return to one.”

  “You think you know so much.” Her throat ached, parched and filled with everything she’d been holding back. There were no tears, only the empty void of lost dreams and broken promises.

  “No. With you, I don’t know enough.”

  He didn’t know enough... She stood there stalled in limbo, her world balancing on a moment of indecision. The raw honesty behind his words made her wish—and dear God, did she dare hope? Could Deklan truly help her, or would he be the one to finally destroy her?

  Her conversation with Cali replayed one more time. Did Kendra have the courage to be true to herself? He was offering her exactly what she told herself she didn’t need. Only, she was lying to herself. Yet she wasn’t sure if she had the strength to take the risk. What if she was wrong about Deklan, like she’d been with Eric? On the other hand, what if this was her best chance of overcoming her past and she was too scared to take it?

  There were so many questions and no answers. And beside her, Deklan was waiting.

  * * *

  “There’s more to the story.”

  “I’m sure there is.” Deklan stared at Kendra’s profile, so strong yet vulnerable. Right then all of her emotions were held in check, not a glimmer of her inner struggle showing. “And that story won’t end unless you choose to change it.”

  Her chest rose and fell with each deep breath. Slow, measured inhales that told of the battle she was waging with herself. He wanted to push, to force her into accepting his offer. But that wouldn’t solve anything. And this was about her needs, not what he wanted.

  He’d held back the last two weeks, giving her time, waiting for the right moment to approach her. Even though he’d wanted to chase her down almost immediately, he’d resisted. It was a game of strategy, a sport he was trained to excel at. Only the stakes have never been as great as they were right now.

  Kendra kept her chin pointed high, exposing the long line of her neck and the sharp edge of her jaw. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, but small wisps curled in the damp moisture along her brow, enticing him to brush them away once again. Instead he scanned down, appreciation filling him. The tight running pants and top that hugged her thighs and breasts seemed to emphasize the power behind her toned muscles. She was strength disguised in a lean form.

  And damn how he ached to harness that strength...and then set it free.

  “I’m trying,” she said long moments later, only a hint of desperation showing in her soft tone. But it was just enough for Deklan to grasp.

  “I can help you.” Then he put it out there, that one last dare that said it all. “Trust me.”

  Slowly she turned her head, her bright blue eyes searching his face but giving away nothing. “How?” The doubt was clear, but this time it was edged with hope.

  “A step at a time.”

  “And if I fall?”

  “I’ll be there to pick you up,” he said, meaning every word. “Or let you go. Whichever you need.”

  The sun broke free to hit them with a blast of brightness that raced across the ground as it emerged from behind the clouds. The rays heated his face, putting hers in shadow, but it couldn’t hide the turmoil etched so clearly on it now. Perspiration gathered to trail a slow path between his shoulder blades, each inch downward tracked by his senses, ticking off the seconds as he waited for her reply.

  She looked away then down to stare at his fingers, which still skimmed over her inner arm. Physically she was so close, but the space between them felt like miles. “Okay.”

  Fuck, yes. The childish desire to whoop in victory hit him with a surprising punch. Not cool.
Thank fuck none of that emotion was displayed. She wasn’t a prize to be won, even if it felt like he’d been handed a precious gift nonetheless.

  “Okay,” he repeated, his relief exiting with the word. She studied him, seeming to wait for his next move. And what was that? For once his strategy had been consumed by getting her to this point. Now he needed to move forward with caution or risk stepping on a landmine and watching it all blow up. “At the club then? In public?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll draw up the contract. Two months, once a week minimum.” It was the Dom setting the terms now.

  “Okay,” she agreed without a hint of hesitation. “But I want rules.”

  “Of course. This is a partnership. Not a dictatorship.”

  She nodded, swallowed and took a step away before pausing. “I’ll be at the club at nine. We’ll sign the papers before we start.” She was all business, and he suspected it was her way of holding back the fear. Fine for now, but she couldn’t hide forever.

  “Email your terms. My name at The Den. I’ll be sure to include them in the contract. We can discuss the details when you arrive.”

  He trailed his fingers down her arm as she took off at a slow jog without answering. He forced himself to stay put as she retreated once again. Only this time, as he watched her blond ponytail bob and sway in time with her steps, he was filled with anticipation. The running pants hugged her firm ass, reminding him of how perfect it truly was. His palm tingled just remembering the sting from connecting with her flesh.

  He couldn’t mess this up. Somehow this had quickly become his most critical mission. He could help her. Heal her and make her see that she had nothing to be ashamed of. Focused on his task, he turned around and continued his run, his route taking him away from her. But that was only temporary.

  Soon she’d be right there with him.

  Chapter Nine

  She stumbled up the two small steps leading to her door before letting herself stop. Bracing a hand on the wall, Kendra leaned over and forced her lungs to take the deep gulps of air they desperately needed. Shit, shit, shit.