Bonds of Need

by Lynda Aicher

  She shook her head, her hair tossing against his shoulder. “How can you forgive me that easily? I was horrible to you.”

  “You were honest with me.”

  “I don’t understand,” she croaked, another sniff betraying her struggle for composure.

  He stroked her hair, his fingers straying to the smooth contours of her cheek. “You don’t have to. It’s been a long day. Let it go for now. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Why?” She sniffed. “Why aren’t you running?”

  He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight, her chest firm and comforting against his own. “Because I’m yours, Kendra. You own me.”

  A small gasp was her only response. Her hand fisted where it rested on his ribs, her legs tensing around his. But she didn’t pull away. She didn’t run.

  Slowly she relaxed, the stiffness leaving her muscles until her breathing flowed in a consistent pattern and her body twitched as the exhaustion pulled her into slumber. It was a long time before he followed. The simple pleasure of holding Kendra wasn’t something he wanted to relinquish. Ever.

  He had no doubts about his declaration. Kendra owned him, heart and soul. He’d do anything for her. Even let her go if that’s what she wanted come morning. If he’d failed her that miserably, hurt her that badly, he’d let her run.

  And it would kill him.

  * * *

  Deklan woke to the howling echo of the wind, the warm press of skin on skin and the soft tickle of breath against his neck. Fully awake an instant later, he took in his surroundings in the dim light of morning. Jake’s place.

  Dropping his head back to the pillow, he took a calming breath and hugged Kendra closer. He’d been out of the service for over five years and he still couldn’t shake the paranoid alertness that’d been drilled into him.

  Kendra shifted and murmured, “You okay?” Then as if she’d just realized where she was, she pushed away to prop herself up and stared down at him with wide eyes. “Oh...” He could almost see the memories as they flooded her, the events from the night before replaying in her head.

  “It’s all right, Kendra.” He cupped the back of her head, tugging her down. She resisted only slightly before resting her head on his chest. “We’re fine.”

  “Yeah, right,” she said with a sarcastic edge. “How can you say that after what I did to you?”

  “And what did you do that was so bad?”

  The quiet settled around them and he focused on the tingle of sensation that trailed behind the light touch of her fingers as she traced the outline of his tattoo. “I used you,” she said softly.

  “How do you figure?”

  “I took my anger out on you. I almost...” She wiped at her cheek. “I was as bad as him.”

  He pulled back, shocked at her words. “What? As bad as who?” He couldn’t see her face, but the tension had returned to her body and told him everything.

  “Eric,” she whispered after a moment. “My ex.”

  “How in the hell do you figure that?”

  “I didn’t listen to you. I beat you and then almost forced myself on you.”

  He flipped her over so fast she could only gasp and gape at him in surprise. He pinned her to the bed, careful to keep his morning erection away from her. “But you didn’t,” he ground out, his eyes drilling her with the force of his words. “You stopped. You did listen to me. You are nothing like that bastard.”

  She searched him, the remnants of her breakdown still visible on her face. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, her lips swollen, making her appear soft and vulnerable. “Why? Why’d you do it?”

  “What? Bind myself? Submit to you?”

  “Yes.”

  “I told you.” The answer was so simple for him. He brushed her hair away from her face, his fingers lingering on the shell of her ear. “You needed it. I didn’t trust myself to be the Dom, so I let you.”

  She shook her head. “Wrong. I was never the dominant in that Scene. You might have been bound, but you were still in control.”

  He couldn’t deny her words. “Does that make you angry?”

  She was silent for a moment, her face giving no hint to her thoughts. “Not really. It probably should, but I don’t have the energy to be mad.” She gave him a weak smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

  “I don’t want you to be mad. That wasn’t the point.”

  “And what was the point?” She looked so earnest as she waited for him to reveal the answer. The urge to kiss her senseless made his cock pulse where it was trapped against the bed. Damn, how he wanted her. Last night she’d driven him to the very edge and he’d almost thrown it all away just to be in her hot, wet pussy. She’d been right there, rubbing her wetness over his dick, and he’d been seconds away from thrusting into her and fucking up everything.

  She’d turned the tables, called his bluff and had almost won. She was a fighter, even if she couldn’t see that in herself.

  He pulled on his restraint and brushed a chaste kiss to her forehead. “To help you.”

  She sucked in a breath but didn’t respond. He could sense her shutting down, resisting him and his words. It was time to back off before she ran.

  An outline of light peeked in around the blackout curtain and he rolled away before the temptation drove him to do something they’d both regret. Being naked with Kendra in bed was a fantasy he hadn’t fully acknowledged until it was reality. But now wasn’t the time to do anything about it, even if he ached to do so. He refused to take advantage of the situation or her.

  “How does coffee and a shower sound?”

  She groaned, the longing clear in the sound. “Like heaven.”

  Chuckling, he gave her shoulder a shove. “Go and shower. I’ll start the coffee.”

  When she didn’t move, he turned to look at her, raising his brows in questions. The flush that crept over her cheeks was so fucking cute it almost made Deklan forget his resolve to be good.

  “I know this is going to sound stupid, given all that we’ve done together, but...” She bit her lip and peeked at him out of the corner of her eye. “Would you mind closing your eyes? I’m kind of naked here and...”

  He laughed. Her sudden shyness was a complete twist in character but somehow it was endearing. “Got it.” He made a show of placing his hand over his eyes, his grin filling his face. “Go.”

  He bounded out of bed as soon as he heard the bathroom door click shut. Pushing back the curtain, he took his first look at the damage from last night’s storm. The rooftop across the alley had a good foot or more of new snow covering its surface. A glance to the street showed the same, the pristine covering unmarred by car tracks or a plow path, confirming his suspicion that they wouldn’t be going anywhere soon.

  The sound of the water motivated him to get moving. Using Jake’s bathroom, he took a quick shower, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt hijacked from Jake’s dresser when he was finished. A quick hunt through the drawers, and he found a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt that he assumed were Cali’s and left them on the guest bed for Kendra to find when she came out.

  He flicked on the TV to the local news station and watched a few minutes of updates, confirming his earlier assumption that they were pretty much grounded for the day.

  The coffee had just finished brewing, the fresh-ground smell filling the loft when Kendra emerged from the bedroom. He glanced up and pointed to the bar stool. “Have a seat.” He grabbed the pot, set a mug down on the island bar and filled it with coffee. “Cream or sugar?”

  “No, thanks.” She sat on the stool and took a long drink, her eyes closing as the liquid hit her system. She sighed and smiled, her shoulders slumping, releasing the stiff posture she’d held. “That is pure heaven. Thank you.” Her eyes opened and a real smile curved over her lips. The first he’d seen on her since before the Eric incident. “For everything. The clothes, the coffee, the help. I don’t get it, but thank you.”

  He took up a position across the kitchen
, leaning back on the edge of the counter next to the coffee machine. “What don’t you get?” He picked up his own coffee and took a sip.

  “All of this.” She waved her hand in the air as she set her coffee down. “Why you’re being so nice when I was so awful to you.”

  The shower had taken care of most of yesterday’s damage, but her eyes still showed the remains of a good cry, and the weariness was etched into the tight lines around her mouth. Her hair was damp where it hung past her shoulders, leaving wet marks on the pale yellow sweatshirt.

  “I thought we talked about this.” He waited until she looked at him. “Yesterday was about you, not me. You did nothing wrong.”

  “Then why do I feel like I did?”

  “Don’t know.” He moved over to lean his forearms on the bar, his coffee mug hugged between his palms. “But I don’t see it that way.”

  She stared at her fingers, lost in thought as she traced the random patters swirling in the marble design. “Why are you being so nice?”

  He smiled. That one was easy. “Because I like you.”

  Her mouth dropped open to form a small O and he resisted the urge to laugh at her stunned expression. He’d keep repeating that sentiment until she got it.

  His stomach rumbled and he used the excuse to give her room once again. He opened the fridge and checked out their options. He took his time digging around in the crisper drawers, letting his words sink in. He’d never shied away from what he wanted and he was done hiding that he wanted Kendra. “Looks like Jake has the makings for an omelet. Cali must be rubbing off on him.” He grabbed the veggies, cheese and eggs and set them on the counter.

  Kendra took her coffee over to stare out one of the large windows. It was a dance he was doing now. An undefined one that had him stepping forward and back to keep her from sprinting the fuck out of there.

  Deklan was more at home in Jake’s kitchen than the owner was, and breakfast came together quickly. The low sounds of the local TV station highlighting the aftermath of the storm played in the background, while the smell of the sautéed vegetables and eggs added that intimate morning vibe that was cozy and downright homey.

  “Omelets ready,” he called out, setting the plates on the bar. Wiping off his hands on a towel, he grabbed two forks and set them out. “More coffee?”

  Kendra wandered back to the kitchen from the sitting area where she’d been watching the news and set her empty mug out for refilling. “You’re constantly surprising me,” she said with a shake of her head as she sat down.

  He choked back a snort and turned away to replace the coffee pot. He’d been surprising himself a lot lately as well. “Why do you say that?”

  “Savior, Dom, chef. Is there anything you don’t do?”

  He shrugged, looking away, the praise feeling awkward on his shoulders. “Windows?” That got the laugh he was looking for. The full sound helped to ease the ache in his neck that hadn’t quite relaxed since he’d pulled Eric off her yesterday.

  “So you are human,” she joked, picking up her fork. “That’s good to know.” She moaned in appreciation after taking a bite of the omelet. “Wow. You really can cook.”

  He ducked his head under the guise of picking up his plate to eat. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

  “Is that...” She tilted her head, leaning to the side for a better look. “Is that a blush I see?” Her face lit up, a smile beaming. “It is. Oh my God, the mighty Deklan can blush.”

  Scowling, he shoveled a forkful of eggs into his mouth. Her laughter was almost worth the embarrassment.

  “Sorry,” she giggled. “I shouldn’t laugh. I hate it when people laugh at me.”

  He shrugged. Normally he did too, but it wasn’t such a big deal with her. “I guess I earned it after last night.” He winked, letting her know he was teasing.

  She returned his smile before taking another bite of her eggs. Gesturing with her fork, she motioned toward the window and swallowed. “It doesn’t look like we’ll be getting out of here this morning, huh?”

  “Nope.” He watched her reaction. “Does that bother you?”

  “Not really. I didn’t have to work today anyway.”

  “It doesn’t bother you to be stuck here with me?”

  She eyed him as if trying to judge if it was a trick question. “No. Why do you ask?”

  “Just making sure,” he answered honestly. He collected the empty plates and took them to the sink to rinse off. The dirty dishes were stacked in the dishwasher before he turned back to find her studying him. “What?”

  “Nothing,” she said, a glint in her eye hinting she was bluffing. He started to comment but got distracted by the glimpse of her midriff as she stood and stretched her arms over her head. “So what should we do today?”

  There was a whole truckload of shit they needed to talk about, but it was obvious she wasn’t ready to do that yet, so he took a side step. “Movie?”

  “Sure.” She headed toward the television. “What’s Jake got?”

  “He has Netflix. Pick something out and I’ll finish up.”

  Deklan wiped down the counters and sent off a few quick texts to Seth and Jake before settling down on the couch next to Kendra. She’d curled up at the far end in a kinked-up way only females seemed to manage. A blanket was tucked around her legs and she’d crammed a pillow under her arm propping her head on her hand.

  That wasn’t going to work. Opening his arm wide, he motioned to her. “Come here, Kendra.”

  She hesitated for a moment, her eyes cautious. It was another long second before she shifted to snuggle against his side. He wrapped his arm around her and scooted down on the couch until her head rested on his chest. Her sigh as she relaxed within his hold was perfect.

  She was perfect.

  The movie was a recent action-adventure that held no interest to Deklan. He couldn’t think about anything but Kendra. Her hair had dried and the soft ends caressed his arm every time she moved, like the teasing brush of a feather. Her deep, even breaths indicated she was relaxed but also reminded him of her firm breasts, the barest hint of her nipple jewelry rubbing his side through the material of their clothing. Maybe that was his imagination or wishful thinking, but it didn’t matter. He knew it was there.

  The urge to keep her curled within his protection forever was so strong he almost sighed in contentment. There was a quiet in him that he only had with her. The clean smell of the standard bar soap in Jake’s bathroom was wrong on her and he hungered for the faint lilac scent that was Kendra.

  She smoothed her fingers in random patterns over his abdomen, making him inhale against the desire that flared. He bit back a curse and laced her fingers with his, halting her movements to keep his cock from tenting the sweatpants. The ache to have her was reaching an almost unbearable point. Where were the goddamn snake pits when you needed them? The mechanical disassembly of his gun replayed in his mind once again, a task he knew better after his many weeks of abstinence than he had when he’d actually done it every day. He played with her hair, letting his hand thread through the locks, the silky texture running past his fingers in mental time with each gun part that came off.

  She was so close, exactly where he’d wanted her. Not in a Scene or under contract. It was just her and him without the pretense or excuses. And now it wasn’t hard to imagine keeping this or to see a future with her. This, right here, was what he never let himself imagine having. Yet the barriers between them were still so huge.

  Walls never stopped him before, and his shoulders tensed at the thought of kicking her when she was down. But they had to tackle the issues now or they might never overcome them.

  And losing her wasn’t an option. Fuck what he’d said last night.

  She was his.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “Why lilac?”

  The out-of-the-blue question yanked Kendra out of her thoughts and tore open the door of the cozy haze she’d been drifting in. There was so much she owed Deklan—words, explanations, apolo
gies, thanks. All morning she’d taken the chicken way out of avoidance and he’d let her. Until now.

  The coffee she’d consumed earlier churned and burned in her stomach as she mentally prepared for the conversation to come. Deklan had shown her nothing but patience and kindness since that very first night she’d begged him to spank her. Would that still hold after they talked? She wanted to hope so, but purging her demons would mean she had to risk losing Deklan.

  And that was so much more than she’d risked by running away from Eric.

  She’d kept her shame hidden from everyone for so long and now she was going to bare her soul for the second time in two days. It should be easier the second time around, but it wasn’t. There was so much more riding on this discussion than yesterday’s.

  She waited, pretending to watch the car barrel off the edge of the parking deck, tires squealing, to magically land unscathed on the neighboring rooftop, escaping the bad guys who chased them. If only real life could be choreographed to land without bumps, bruises or scars.

  “It’s a good memory,” she answered Deklan, knowing it was just the start. “Every year when I was younger, my family would take our yacht from Chicago up to Mackinac Island for the annual Lilac Festival. We’d spend the week there, stay in the Grand Hotel and ride our bikes around the island. And the lilac bushes were always in full bloom.” A sigh escaped as she remembered the sense of security and closeness she’d felt during those trips. “It was the one time my father would take time off just for us.”

  “How many siblings do you have?”

  “Three. Two older, one younger.” She turned down the volume on the television now that the noise was an unwanted annoyance neither of them cared about. The remote bounced down the couch where she tossed it and she turned her face into his chest to hide from his perceptive eyes. “Jane is the oldest, then Christopher, me, and Emily is the youngest.”

  “Is your family close?”

  “Not really. That’s what made that trip special. On the island we were a family. Otherwise, we were mostly raised by nannies. My dad’s life is his company, and Mom’s purpose is to support him. Social circles, image, presentation—it’s been hammered into us since we were born. It’s all about what people think and see, not what’s real.”