Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  “However, I can be trusted to speak to someone and squeeze out of an inappropriate embrace by myself.”

  “Ah … so you admit it was inappropriate.” He smiled pulling me to him again. I rolled my eyes.

  “I quite like the jealous boyfriend thing,” I teased, “but perhaps next time play that role somewhere that we haven’t paid six quid to get in.” He laughed.

  “Come on, let’s get a greasy kebab and go home, to bed.” He squeezed my bum and leaned his head on mine. “Sorry, babe.”

  “It’s fine,” I sighed. “Ryan did look pretty hilarious on the floor.” We both laughed and made our way to the nearest kebab shop. We texted the others, and they arrived ten minutes later to order food. An hour later Robert and I were at my house, smoking on the back step to the orangery, staring into the sky.

  “I’ve been thinking about your little request,” Robert said, taking a lazy drag on his cigarette.

  “Which is this?” I teased.

  “About Diane.”

  “Oh,” I whispered, unsure where this would take us. I was determined to find that address, and he had agreed, but would this be something he could no longer do? Did he think it was too crazy?

  “I think,” he began, “that if we find that address and all there is there is heart ache then that would be catastrophic, and so I think we should take the car and take a trip that is more than that address.”

  “Like what?” I said excitedly, turning to him.

  “Like let’s plan a route. Let’s see some places and maybe have a few days in Cornwall. Let’s do our own tour of the Great British Isles and then go to that address.”

  “A holiday?” I asked.

  “A summer,” he stated. “Let’s have the best God damn summer seeing everything this country has to offer, build amazing memories, and then before we come home, let’s go to that address.”

  “But what if it’s too late and she’s gone?” I whined, “Like we left it too long?”

  “A summer won’t make all the difference. I just think we should focus on having a great time and then just call by the flat on our way home.”

  “Okay.” I smiled. “Great idea, we get out of this place, have a holiday, travel around, and then we hit the address and finally start to find my sister.”

  “Deal?” he asked, finishing his cigarette.

  “Deal,” I agreed, jumping into his arms. “It’s gonna be the best summer ever.”

  He kissed me and brushed the hair from my eyes. “And many more to come.”

  Sixteen

  Now

  Robert

  I sat in my car the afternoon after the charity event and prepared to ring my mum. I hadn’t got any jobs to do at home, I lied, but I could tell that Maria was getting sick of me, and that I was overstaying my welcome. It was best not to piss off the best friend. Also, I was having Devon tomorrow, anyway, whilst Grace was working, so I didn’t want to push things with them. The truth was that there were never any jobs to do around our place. Instead I had been to the gym and burned away some of my frustrations. The flat we lived in was actually a penthouse, and it was serviced. Even though my mum waited on my brothers and me hand and foot as kids, it still took some getting used to. Cecily had lived in the sprawling penthouse for almost a year when I moved in, and everything about it that I found strange, she considered to not be good enough. The service should be seen and not heard, so basically fairies should come in and clean the place, but we would never lay eyes on them. They stocked our fridge, made our beds, ironed our clothes and we tipped them at Christmas, but if Cecily saw one of them she would bark for them to leave. They quickly learned our routines. No one wanted to suffer the wrath of the American woman.

  She found the penthouse too small, whereas I found it not cosy enough. She found the amenities limited, whereas I had never had a coffee machine, juicer, and range cooker before. She complained about a lot and I would just nod, as I learnt early on with Cecily that that was the easiest way. She didn’t mean any harm, and it wasn’t her fault. She was just spoilt, not by affection, but by money. She had no idea how not to be. She was used to the finer things in life. She was accustomed to restaurants where meals cost more than most of my clothes, clothes that cost more than some people’s monthly incomes, and jewellery that cost as much as it did to run a third world nation for a year. She always had the best, so I never really understood why she was so dead set on having me.

  Cecily chased me. I wasn’t interested in a relationship, considering that I had no time for one and certainly couldn’t find a woman who actually interested me. At university I had dated, shagged, and had friends with benefits, but no one seemed to stick. I spent so long looking for Grace in the faces of so many women in those first few years that it hurt too much to actually look at women after that, and I didn’t realise that until I met Cecily. I didn’t try to listen, to get to know or to enjoy spending time with anyone romantically. Cecily saw me, wanted me, and wouldn’t give up until I finally gave in. She was the first person since Grace who I actually gave my time to, who I actually enjoyed spending time with, all because she decided that we were meant to be, and being such a spoilt brat, she always got what she wanted.

  We had our routine. We had a great life and I loved Cecily, but not in the way that I loved Grace. I loved Cecily for helping me find happiness and for helping me see that I could do that, despite the loss I still felt. I loved Cecily for loving me, but Grace, Grace was so much more. So today I would finally tell my mum. Cecily was out shopping with a friend. I had been to the gym and rather than go inside and risk Cecily interrupting, I decided to sit in my car and call from there.

  “Hi Mum,” I said.

  “Oh, Robert,” she said, enthusiastically. I could tell she was busy. She was most likely in the kitchen, busying herself with some baking or something and holding the phone between her ear and her shoulder. It was 3 pm and Saturday afternoon was usually her clean up, bake, and wash afternoon, so that she could relax on Sunday with Dad. “My angel,” she said. I could almost see her smile.

  “Is Dad there?” I asked gruffly.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked straight away, sensing my tone. “What do you need Dad for?”

  “Nothing, I just want to know if he is there, and if you can both just come to the phone.”

  “Oh, Robert, you’re scaring me, what’s going on?”

  “Nothing, relax, but just get Dad. Is he there?”

  “Yes,” she sighed, exasperated. “Just let me wipe my hands.” I heard her laboured breathing and then she walked through to another room where I could hear the television in the background. “Turn it down, Bob,” she said. “Robert’s on and has something to say.”

  “Look mum I’m going to tell you, but just make sure you’re sitting next to Dad, okay?”

  “Oh, stop the dramatics,” she said. “Get on with it. What is the matter?”

  “Right,” I began. “A few weeks ago Owen bumped into Grace, working in a café in Leicester Square.”

  “Oh,” Mum said relieved, “Is that all? So she’s okay?”

  “Mum, that’s not all. I went to see her. I went speak to her, to make things right and …”

  “What?” Mum said, urging me forward.

  “Well she’s got a daughter, Devon, she’s six and …” I couldn’t get my words out, “and she’s mine, she’s my daughter, your granddaughter.”

  “What?” Mum gasped. I could hear the breath leave her, and dad suddenly took the phone.

  “Son, it’s Dad, what is it? What have you told her, she’s grey.”

  “Dad, I’ve got a daughter, she’s six. Grace had my daughter six years ago, and I just told mum.”

  “Bloody hell,” he said. “Christ!” he said again. We both stayed silent and then Mum took the phone again.

  “We’re setting off in half an hour and we’ll be there tonight. Book us a hotel, and I want to see my granddaughter, and get an explanation first thing tomorrow.”

  “Mu
m …” I began.

  “Robert, I will not back down on this. My first grandchild, and a girl to boot, and I assume you’ve had some time to get used to this?”

  “A few weeks,” I sighed.

  “Right, Bob, get your pants on, and let’s get going.”

  “Oh God,” I said, knowing that nothing would stop this tornado from rolling into town. “Right, I’ll book you a Travelodge, or you can stay here?”

  “No, we prefer a hotel. I always feel like I’m intruding in that huge flat.”

  “Okay.” I smiled, knowing how she felt. “I’ll book the one near us that you’ve stayed in before.”

  “Right,” she said. “See you in a bit.” She sounded emotional.

  “I ended the call. My mum had always been an act now and think later type of woman, always acting on her instincts rather than mulling things over. I was annoyed by her sudden need to be here, but at the same time it was completely in keeping with her character. She loved us boys so much and we were her life. She gave up work to be our mum, and so any change to our circumstances, and I should have known she’d come running.

  Mum took losing Grace badly, too. Since the night that she stayed with us after her mum’s accident, my mum always felt protective of Grace and treated her like one of us. She was the welcome girl in a house full of men. When I came home without Grace after the summer that we broke up, Mum was fuming. Not just because I had left her, but also because I had left her alone in a strange place, and she worried for her like she was her own child. So perhaps coming to London tonight wasn’t just for me, or for her newly acquired granddaughter, but perhaps it was for Grace. After all these years she could finally see that she was all right.

  ***

  I made my way inside our building. I was sweaty from the gym and flustered from my parents snap decision to visit. I had no idea what to tell Cecily, and if they were meeting Devon then she would question again why she couldn’t. It wasn’t easy to explain as I didn’t understand it myself, but I just wanted my life with Cecily to be separate from that with Grace and Devon. I should have wanted Cecily involved if I really saw a future for us and really intended for us to get married then I should introduce them. The problem was that I wasn’t sure that that was my future anymore. Seeing Grace again had made me realise what love was and how it felt to be overwhelmingly protective, attracted, and obsessive about the person you love. Cecily wasn’t that for me, but I was that to her, and this wasn’t fair. I was sparing her feelings by staying with her, but at the same time was I just avoiding the inevitable. Even if Grace didn’t love me or want to be with me, I deserved to keep looking for someone who I loved like I did Grace. I deserved my other half.

  I got in the lift to our floor. I pushed the button, and as usual, it shot upwards quickly and opened at our front door. As I entered I could hear music and so I knew that Cecily was home. I made my way into the expansive open kitchen and helped myself to a juice from the fridge.

  “Robert!” she called and her voice sounded strange. It was then that I noticed the music filling our home through the sound system was actually some jazz style musician, perhaps Norah Jones, and I wondered what the hell she was up to now. I made my way to our room and she shouted me again, “Robert!” This time she was a little less patient.

  “I’m coming,” I said, sipping my juice. “Are you stuck somewhere?” I pushed the door open and words failed me, as there on our bed was Cecily, draped on top of the bedding wearing a very sexy Basque, stockings, and suspenders.

  “Hello darling,” she purred. “I’ve bought you a little present.” She pulled herself up to her knees and looked up at me through her lashes, smiling seductively. My body reacted to the sight, my dick twitching, and I smiled. She did have an amazing body. Her legs were so slim and perfect, her skin soft and taut over areas that other women held some weight. Yet her breasts were just perfectly plump. She was phenomenal to look at and also an animal in bed.

  “Cecily, I’ve just got back from the gym. I need a shower.”

  “Don’t ruin this Robert,” she purred. “I don’t care how sweaty you are, get over here.”

  I sighed and made my way over to her and she smiled seductively. She pulled me to her as I approached and began to kiss me passionately, her tongue roaming my mouth, moaning. I pulled back a little and placed my juice down on the floor to join her on the bed. Her kissing was arousing me beyond belief. She pulled at my t-shirt and took it over my head, as she did I caught a whiff of myself and was disgusted.

  “Honestly, Cecily,” I said between kisses. “I’d much rather do this if I smelled a hell of a lot better.”

  “Fine,” she pushed me away. “Why not avoid having sex with me for another day, asshole.” She spat at me, and just like that, my libido was squashed.

  “Cecily, I just want to clean up, that’s all.” I stood and she rolled to the other side of the bed glaring at me.

  “All excuses Robert, we haven’t had sex since I got back from New York, and the co-incidence isn’t lost on me.”

  “What co-incidence?” I asked, knowing the answer.

  “Miss Grace, the love of your life, back on the scene,” she spat.

  I sighed and rolled my eyes. Had it really been that long since we had had sex? I had lost track of time or not cared one bit. I wasn’t sure which was worse. “Cecily …” I tried to approach her and she slunk past me to her expansive walk-in wardrobe. I followed her inside. “I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry you’re feeling neglected, but I owe it to my daughter,”

  “Oh don’t give me that shit, Robert, this has fuck all to do with your daughter and you know it. It’s her!” she screeched, grabbing her dressing gown and covering herself up.

  “Cecily, what do you want me to say?” I sighed.

  “I want you to say it’s me you want, me you love, and show me some God damn affection so I can feel less insecure about your first love re-entering your life.” I stayed silent and looked to the floor, rubbing the back of my head, unsure what to say.

  “I’m trying to make this work,” I sighed. It must have been the wrong thing to say as Cecily screamed and began throwing her shoes at me.

  “You shouldn’t have to try with me!” she shouted. “This should be easy, us, me and you. I’m your fiancée for fuck’s sake. It should be her you have to TRY with!” she ranted.

  I shielded myself and tried to approach her again. “Cecily, please.”

  “No, Robert, it’s my God damn fault. I forced you to date me, forced you to fuck me, forced you to live here, and convinced you that I would be the perfect wife. I tried too hard to be exactly who you wanted, but I’m tired.” She fell to the floor in tears and my heart sank. She never cried in front of me and suddenly I felt tears spring to my eyes as well.

  “You didn’t force me,” I said miserably, sitting next to her on the floor. “I wanted all of that. I wanted you, you healed me.” I put my arm around her.

  “You wanted me. Exactly, past tense. You wanted me because I made myself everything I thought you wanted. You don’t know the real me.”

  “I do,” I smiled, squeezing her to me. “You didn’t hide her that well.” She smirked, too.

  “I’m so tired, Robert. I’m so tired of fighting to get what I want and to make you stay. Then I saw her and she doesn’t have to try … she’s just it … what you want.” She said it so matter-of-factly that I wasn’t sure if I should respond.

  “I want to honour our commitment,” I sighed.

  She jumped up, wiped her eyes, and glared down at me on the floor. “Don’t do me any favours you chivalrous British bastard. I don’t need you to try anything for me. I want you to want me, to need me, to fucking love me. I deserve that for once in my God damn life.” I stood and tried to hug her to me, but she pushed me away fiercely. “Fuck you, Robert Banford, I won’t fight for my lost cause anymore, GET OUT!” she shrieked.

  I left her dressing room and she slammed the door as I did. “I am going for a run!” she shoute
d through the door. “And when I get back you and your shit better be gone. What you can’t take, I’ll donate.”

  I didn’t argue. Finally I was being released. I suddenly felt relieved. For three years Cecily had given me no choice and she had convinced me that this was the route my life was taking. This wasn’t just about Grace for me; it was about Robert and the man he used to be. The man who used to have choices, dreams, private heartache, and personal space, which was something that Cecily forcibly removed. Tonight I was being stood down and I could breathe. I made my way to my own dressing room and packed what I wanted, what I needed, and then I called the Travelodge and booked two rooms, not one.

  ***

  I called Grace on my way to the Travelodge an hour later, my car loaded with clothes, memories, and the one lamp that belonged to me.

  “Hi,” she answered quietly.

  “Hi,” I said also in a quiet voice. “Am I interrupting something?”

  “Oh no, sorry,” she said a little louder. “Everyone’s just watching a film that’s all. What’s up?” I could tell she had moved out into their hallway now. Their flat was so welcoming, so homely, and so much like Grace that it hurt the first time I went there. I was stuck with sterile and impersonal, and in her flat I saw everything that I missed.

  “Erm … I told Mum and Dad.”

  “Oh,” she said, “and?”

  “And they’re on their bloody way down.”

  “What … here?” she barked.

  “Well, London, yes. Not your flat or anything,” I said with a smile. “Don’t panic, I’m sure everything will be okay. I just wanted to check that I could bring them with me to pick up Devon tomorrow?”

  “Oh, um,” she said, and suddenly I questioned if this would be okay. I had assumed that she would be glad to see them, but she seemed apprehensive, “Robert, I …”

  “Grace, I think my Mum would love to see you,” I offered.

  “But what if she’s mad? What if she hates me for what I did? Keeping Devon from you all.”