Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  After exhausting the beauty of Welch countryside, we hit Cardiff city and parked in a multi-storey car park to do some shopping. The camp sites had been well equipped, and we had actually managed a load of washing, but there were a few essentials that we had forgotten, such as some more modern music. I wanted sunglasses and Robert wanted some more shorts. We decided that we should find something that made our tape deck in the car compatible with our CD Players, and went to work finding the other stuff. After a couple of hours shopping and a McDonald’s, we headed back to the car and cuddled together.

  “Civilisation sucks,” Robert said, pulling me to him. “I much prefer the camping life.”

  “Yeah,” I sighed. “Too busy, too many people, and I had to wear make up.” He pulled me into a deep kiss as we approached the car.

  “You look gorgeous no matter what you wear.” He grinned at me, seductively. I grinned back and pulled away.

  “Come on, let's get going back into our own world.”

  “Can’t wait,” he said, releasing me.

  We got to a small campsite just outside of Weston-Super-Mare two hours later. Our plan, once back in England, was to travel down the south east coast, stopping at Exmouth, and many more resorts until we reached Newquay. Then we would stay there for a week of surfing, sunbathing, swimming, drinking, and relaxing, if that was possible. From there, we would visit St Ives, Land’s End, and make our way back through Devon. We had five more weeks and there was no rush.

  The time together was amazing. Robert wanted this to be a trip to remember, and everywhere we visited we collected postcards for our scrapbook. We would collect leaflets from places we enjoyed visiting, like Cardiff Castle. I loved castles. We took loads of pictures to develop later. The more days that flew by the harder it was to remember that this life was just temporary. We were lost in our oasis and every night we cuddled under the stars, kissing, laughing, and making love. It was the best time of my life. Robert breathed life into me, and I forgot the girl I used to be living with my mother in that museum that could never be a home.

  After three weeks, we reached Newquay. We made it to the camp site which was like a five star hotel compared to many of the other sites we had stayed at. It was the first week of August and the sun was beating down. There was a bar, restaurants, an indoor pool with slides, and an outdoor pool that we could sunbathe around. I had never been abroad, but Robert likened it to holidays in Spain as we baked by the pool and sipped beers from the poolside bar. We booked surfing lessons and frequented the local bars. On our third night at the site, we met Jonah and Al.

  “Hi,” they said, passing our tent one night as we relaxed with a beer.

  “Hi,” Robert said.

  “You two having a couple of weeks here?” the first boy asked. He was blonde with shaggy, curly hair, and a lean build. He pulled some cigarettes out of his pocked and lit one.

  “Nah,” Robert said, looking up at him. “Maybe just a week.”

  “Ah … we are, too. I’m Jonah, this is Al.” He pointed to his friend, a shorter brown-haired guy who was a little more round in the middle. “We’re off to uni in a month, so making the most of our freedom.”

  “Oh, cool.” Robert didn’t divulge that we were underage, but seemed to be enjoying connecting with other men for a change. “This is my girlfriend Grace.” He motioned to me. We all smiled and they sat with us for a bit drinking a beer and smoking.

  The next few days we had a couple of nights out with Jonah and Al, and they introduced us to more people they had met along the coast and at the campsite. There were a couple of girls, Stacey and Laura, who I chatted to easily, and Robert and I relaxed into a friendship with people who were eager to escape just like us, blowing off steam. After ten days in Newquay we headed down the coast and made our way to St Ives, where Robert had fond memories as a child, stopping at a few more beautiful spots on the way.

  When we got to St Ives, we had arranged to meet Jonah and Al for a drink again. They had attracted a few more followers by now, and we found ourselves partying with a large crowd at the campsite the first night.

  “Hey,” Jonah said, after a few beers. “We’ve all got tickets to Reading Festival, you should come.”

  Robert looked to me, “Ah … I doubt we’d get tickets now.”

  “One of the lads has a couple to sell.” He smiled through a drunken haze. “He’d give you a good price. It’s gonna be awesome.”

  “When is it?” Robert asked.

  “Last weekend of August,” Jonah slurred, “great line up, The Darkness, White Stripes, Green Day. It’s gonna be a blast, perfect end to a wicked summer.”

  “We’ll think about it,” I said.

  Later that night we snuggled in our tent. “So do you want to go to the festival?” Robert asked. “It’ll probably take the last of our money, and my mum wanted us back that weekend.”

  “Doesn’t give us long to find Diane,” I sighed.

  “True.”

  “But it does sound like fun,” I said. Robert pulled me close to him.

  “This summer needs to be the best fun you’ve ever had,” he said, kissing me deeper. “So if the festival is something you wanna do, we’ll go.”

  “It’s already the best fun I’ve ever had,” I sighed between kisses, running my hands down his body.

  “Oh Grace, how the hell did I live sixteen years without you?”

  Eighteen

  Now

  After getting the kids to bed on Saturday night, Maria and I shared two bottles of wine, some nachos, pizza, and a lot of chocolate.

  “I’m always emotional after one of Jackie’s fundraisers,” Maria said, popping a chocolate into her mouth. “It’s like we forget all our shit and then the memories all start flooding back.”

  I placed my hand on her arm. “It’s worse for you,” I sighed. “All I had were distant memories of a family and an absent mother, you had the psycho brother and watched your dad get murdered.”

  “You make it sound so glamorous.” She smiled sarcastically. “I’m not sure how many more I can do.”

  “Well don’t.” I put my arm around her. “Let someone else speak out, and you just help in the kitchen.”

  “I would just feel bad if I turned Jackie down,” she sighed. “Now let’s cheer up, tell me about that phone call you had before,” she said, eyes wide.

  “Oh God, it was Robert. His parents have hot footed down here after hearing about Devon, and will be coming with him tomorrow morning to pick her up.”

  “Wow, the in-laws.” She smirked.

  “They are not my in-laws. God.” I rolled my eyes. “Barbara and Bob were like my adopted parents the year I was seeing Robert, and I feel like I’ve lied to them, too. They’re gonna hate me.”

  “They won’t. They’ll be relieved to see you and whatever they feel the minute they see Devon, it’ll all be forgotten.”

  “I’m nervous as hell,” I said, taking a huge swig of my wine.

  “Just stay calm. I’m here, and trust me it’s never as bad as you think.”

  “Thanks Maria,” I sighed. “Despite all our shit we’ve been damn lucky to find each other.”

  “Too right.” Maria smiled. “No one else would eat this much shit with me and watch trashy TV until we are fat, pissed, and happy.”

  ***

  The next morning I had to explain to Devon that she would be meeting her grandparents. This was the first she had ever had and most likely the only ones she would ever know. I also had to try and calm my nerves about seeing Robert’s parents. It was certainly one thing to face up to him after all these years, fight my attraction to him, and accept that my body would always react to him, but it was another to be drawn back into the Banford family. They were the sunshine in my bleak home life and the people who showed me what a normal family was. I repaid them by never contacting them ever again and hiding their first grandchild from them. I had no idea if they would understand why I didn’t want to go home, and why I chose to do everythi
ng on my own. I was worried that Barbara would be angry, and I rarely cared what people thought. I wouldn’t be a part of their family like last time, though. Robert had Cecily and I was only their granddaughter’s mother.

  I had to be at work by ten and so Robert would be arriving at nine to take Devon out for the day. I was so nervous and apprehensive that I didn’t sleep most of the night. They were the only family unit that I had been familiar with, and suddenly I was concerned that I would be judged, not just on my decisions, but for my appearance, my home, my daughter, and how I had brought her up so far. I was up at 7 am, before anyone else in the house. I ran myself a bath and soaked for a good half an hour with a book.

  When Devon woke up, Max wasn’t far behind, and we all settled into the kitchen for breakfast. As we sat there, I watched Devon intently, all these years she had only been mine. True, Maria and I had shared our kids, but our babies were only ever ours, and I selfishly worried about sharing Devon with her family. She was so confident, so clever, and so aware of herself in ways that I never was at her age. She hid from no one and was never afraid to ask a question. At her age I was afraid of my own shadow as my life had taken a tumble years before, and I wasn’t allowed to ask any questions. Her beautiful blonde hair fell down her back and framed her angelic face. She really was exquisite and she was mine. I had made her. I knew they would love her, but I was also so scared that she would love them more than she loved me.

  “Devon,” I said whilst she chewed her cereal. She looked to me. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this, and so I thought it best to broach the subject whilst we were all following our usual routine. “Daddy is bringing his Mum and Dad with him today.”

  She looked at me. “His Mum and Dad?” she said, thinking about what I had just said.

  “Yes, his parents are visiting him and wanted to meet you. They are your grandparents.”

  She continued to eat. “Is that okay?” I asked.

  “Yep.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve always wanted a Nana.” She smiled at me. “Or a Grandad like the old man off Up.”

  “Ah …” I smiled. “They’re not as old as the man off Up, but they are you’re Nana and Grandad. They might want to be called Grandma and Grandpa or another name, so we’ll see what they choose, okay?” I said.

  She nodded at me. “Okay, mummy.” Her mood lifted after that, and I could tell she was excited to meet more people that she could finally call family. Again, I realised that I had failed her. I had no one and I had not provided anyone for her. Thank God I could be everything for Devon that I never had in my own mother. I loved her more than my own life and at moments like this I could never understand why my mum could never love me enough to be sober or live in the present we could have created together.

  I blow dried my hair, straightened it and my fringe, applied some make- up to accentuate the features I had, and dressed in my work uniform. Devon chose a denim skirt, tights, and jumper combo that she was pleased with, and at nine on the dot the doorbell rang. We made our way down to the front door together, and I took deep breaths as we mounted the stairs. We reached the heavy oak front door and I opened it wide as a gust of cold air blew in. I saw Robert first who smiled at me as he always did, drinking in my appearance. Devon ran to him and jumped in his arms, as if she hadn’t seen him yesterday. Then I allowed my eyes to roam and saw Barbara stood slightly behind Robert to the left and Bob next to her. Barbara’s eyes were on Devon and they were filling with moisture as she watched Robert hoisting Devon into his arms.

  “This is my Mummy,” Robert said to Devon, “and my Daddy.” They both smiled broadly at Devon and she smiled to them.

  “Hello, Devon,” Barbara said, choked with emotion. “You are your daddy’s double. You really are.” She sighed and she looked back to Bob who was also smiling.

  “Hello,” Devon said with confidence, “and what do you like to be called Nana or Grandma?” Barbara laughed a little and her smile broadened, if that was possible.

  “Nana would be great,” she croaked.

  “And you can call me Grandad,” Bob said, approaching her and putting his hand out for her to shake. She did and laughed.

  “You’re funny,” she said. Robert squeezed her tighter, and I stepped back into the hallway, feeling intrusive on their family moment.

  “Come on,” I heard Robert say. “Let’s go inside, it’s freezing.”

  “Oh yes,” Barbara said and then we were in the hallway facing each other. I smiled lamely at Barbara and Bob, unsure what to say. Robert came to stand next to me, still holding Devon.

  “And of course you remember Grace.” He smiled and Barbara took a long look at me, as did Bob.

  “Of course,” Barbara said, the emotion still evident in her voice. With that she stepped forward and engulfed me in a hug. “Oh, Grace,” she whispered as she held me close, and tears began to fill my eyes. “I’m so sorry you had to do all this on your own.” I had no words. She pulled back and held me away from her at arms length. “You are more beautiful than I remember.” She smiled. “And I’m so happy to see you safe after all these years.”

  “Thank you,” I croaked, “I …” I had no idea what to say.

  “Come on,” Robert said. “Grace will be late for work. Let’s get upstairs and talk there.” He led the way and Barbara followed. Bob came to stand next to me and wrapped his arm around me.

  “Thank God for sons,” he sighed. “I’m no good with emotional women.” I looked to him and he smiled, giving me a squeeze. “Good to see you, kiddo.” He winked.

  ***

  When we got upstairs, I introduced Maria to Barbara and Bob and made everyone a cup of tea. Robert offered to drive me to work, but I didn’t want him to go out of his way, plus they had a day out together planned, and so he reluctantly accepted my decline. Maria was going to be spending the day cleaning, and then perhaps taking Max to the park, so I left everyone in the flat as I headed to the bus stop.

  “Okay, bye everyone,” I said slipping my coat on. Devon ran to me and gave me a kiss. “Be a good girl,” I whispered as she hugged me.

  “I will,” she said.

  “Oh Grace,” Barbara said. “I was hoping we could all have dinner tonight when you finish work. I mean Bob and I are only here a few days and …” I was a little blind sided and wasn’t sure what I thought about it.

  “Oh mum,” Robert said, obviously surprised. “Devon has school tomorrow and Grace will be tired …” He looked to me, his eyes wide, and I smiled to him in response.

  “No, it’s fine. Yes, that would be great. We would love to, wouldn’t we Devon?”

  “Yes,” she said excitedly.

  “Great.” Barbara smiled. “I would like to catch up with Grace, as well,” she scolded Robert and he glared at her. I left them to their staring and turned to the door, grabbing my bag and keys and walking out. I made it to the front door of the building when I heard Robert behind me.

  “Grace,” he said, running down the stairs, looking delicious as usual in his blue jeans and cream woollen jumper. I turned to him as he landed face to face with me in the hallway. My breath caught at our closeness and my heart rate sped up slightly with his proximity.

  He stepped back a little, awkwardly. “Yes?”

  “I just wanted to say I’m sorry about all this, and I hope you don’t feel uncomfortable about my mum and dinner. She’s always just pushing.”

  “It’s fine.” I shrugged. “I get it, she wants to see as much of Devon as she can and I can’t blame her. I have denied her from you all for so long.”

  “She wants to see you too Grace. She wants to get to know you again.”

  “Why?” I shook my head slightly.

  “Because,” he moved a little close again, “they both loved you like one of their own and you were important to all of us.” I shook my head again. “They love you Grace.” I looked up into his eyes, the eyes that had always given me comfort, love and affection when I was so severely lacking it. “Like I
do.”

  “Robert,” I pushed him back a little, to give me some space.

  “Grace, I need to tell you something,”

  “I’m going to be late Robert.” I turned to leave annoyed that he was professing his love again.

  “It’s over with Cecily,” he spat. “I’m staying in a hotel, I’ve moved out.”

  “Oh,” I said with my back to him, unsure how to process the information and unsure of what he expected me to say. My body reacted to his news with a joyous warm feeling; it was a traitor to my common sense. He came to stand behind me and put his arms around me.

  “I know you’ve got a lot to think about, and we’ve got a long way to go,” he whispered, “but please know Grace, it’s always been you. I’ve always wanted you, looked for you, loved you, and since that day that I walked back into your life I’ve never been more sure about anything … ever.” I was frozen in his arms, not knowing what to say or how to get out of this embrace without throwing his beautiful words back in his face.

  “Robert,” I sighed. “That’s lovely, but I’m a different person now. You don’t know me anymore.”

  “I know you, Grace, and I know that you’re the same girl, just tougher and more independent, and the more I see, the more I’m sure.”

  I nodded and turned in his arms. “Robert, we have Devon to think of and there is so much water under the bridge.”

  “Grace …” his big blue eyes bored into mine, “tell me if you don’t feel the same, tell me if it’s all gone and you don’t feel for me what I feel for you.”

  I shook my head; I couldn’t deny it. “Robert, please, I can’t do this again. I can’t love you like that again.”

  “I swear I’ll never let you down again, Grace. Look, let’s not get heavy; let’s just … date. Can I take you out?”

  “Is this a good idea?” I groaned. “What if it doesn’t work out? What about Devon?”

  “It will,” he said, resting his forehead on mine. “It will.”